Ok, here’s the deal…
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now, we have been best friends for over seven years, and we are both seniors in high school. Next year we will be at different colleges which have about six driving hours and no direct trains or buses connecting them. He will have a car at college next year but I won’t. Within the next two months we have to make the difficult decision of whether or not we are going to try to stay together next year. Everybody has had different opinions and I still don’t know what to do. What do you think? Why? Any personal experience stories would be greatly appreciated.
I’d try to have the understanding that you guys are free to date elsewhere, will see each other when you can (probably won’t be too often to be realistic), and will take each day as they come. Keep it flexible.
You’re really not going to know what you’re going to feel like till you’re in school. Best not to have any promises lingering over your head.
If it was meant to be, you’ll feel it, you guys will find each other after you both graduate, maybe sooner.
Why are you going to different schools anyway?
Aw, sounds like me and my husband. I broke it off with him when I started college…and 5 years later we got married. So, there’s always hope either way!
It is very common, though, for couples from high school to break up during their freshman year in college. Basically, it’s like starting a new life when you go to college and an old relationship feels confining - like it’s not allowing you to move on. One time when I was in college, “Loveline” came to our school (both Drew and Adam) and Drew went off on how common this is. Whether or not you feel he is a credible source is up to you. Not that I’m saying this will happen to you - I’m just saying that it happened to me.
Long distance relationships have been known to work, though. If you guys truly love each other, then it should work out just fine.
My girlfriend and I are sorta doing the long-distance thing right now. We started dating about 7 1/2 months ago, but college breaks being what they are, we go through periods of not seeing each other (like the three-week winter break; we spent the whole Spring Break together in New York) - and since I’m doing this internship thing in NY, we didn’t see each other for ten weeks while she was back at school (end of March until last Thursday, when she took a break from studying to fly out and visit me for 5 days).
It’s rough, but we’ve managed by talking on the phone and online a great deal. I think we’re lucky in that this has strengthened a relationship with an already solid base - it was easy to tell every time we got back together. Sparks definitely flew every time, and with us they’re usually flying to begin with. 
Of course, we definitely wouldn’t choose to do this; we’re definitely looking forward to being back together full-time in September. We’re not going to see much of each other this summer. Her family is coming to NY in a month, so I’ll see her for a few days then. I may visit Texas the month after that, and she may come here again before we school.
I have to admit I don’t feel that this is a particularly instructive case - I think our relationship has a lot of unique wrinkles to it. But if you want the encouragement, you can find it. The major difference is obviously that you’ll be apart most of the time, whereas my girlfriend and I are together most of the time. And the high school thing DOES make a difference - college is very different, and a lot of people choose to go their separate ways. I imagine it’s hard to get a fresh start at college if something like a relationship is tying you back home. But then again, I’ve seen people do it, so while it’s hard, it can’t be impossible.
My first two LDRs broke up, one after five months, one after three months.
The current one is working. Oh man is it ever. And not a single one of the warning signs I got in the first two. Not even the horrible raging loneliness, even though he’s across the ocean this time. I just have this very calm feeling that I’m not going to let something as trivial as five time zones get in the way of the great romance of my life. Not happening.
If this is the one, you’ll know.
I love you, Tom.
No. Next question? 
2 friends of mine have a monogamous long distance relationship thats working out famously.
I should probably keep a lid on this since it’s not from my own experience, but I don’t think the ‘date other people but sorta stay together’ thing works. Just keeps people in suspense without giving you the enjoyments of the original (long-distance) relationship or the new relationships at school. And I’d imagine it makes the relationship tougher when you’re together. I think it’s probably better to make a decision (stay together or don’t) than try a piecemeal solution that may not make anyone happy.
Kermit,
I’ve been in one that definitely didn’t work…when I first went into college and my BF (at the time) went into the Air Force. It wasn’t really a matter of us being apart, but I did realize that we didn’t want the same things out of life and it would be better for me to end it. I did so, as soon as was feasible.
I am currently living with a guy that I was in a LDR with for a year and a half. It takes work, a lot of trust, and more communication than you could ever imagine, but it’s doable.
There is no right answer, only time will tell.
~J
Maybe I’m in the same situation as most people who go into or decide not to enter long distance relationships, but I feel like I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if i don’t.
If I try to make this work and put forth all the energy and trust adn everything that it takes to make a good long distance relationship work then I am probably going to end up missing out on a large part of the college freshman year experience, whihc if we break up I know I will regret. Then again if we break up before we leave for school then i maybe sitting around somewhere lonely and drunk ten years from now thinking if only we had stayed together. Neither really seem like the greatest options in the world.
Also he is one of my best friends EV-ER and I don’t want to have to feel bad calling him, to share news or chat randomly or if I get homesick next year, if we break up. I don’t want to be the ex-girlfriend that won’t go away.
There is also the little matter of finding out what he is wants or is willing to do…
I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, before it became not-so-LD last december.
We’re now happily married. Stick around and I’ll let you know how well it keeps working (don’t hold your breath on it failing, though - we’re both stubborn as all hell - which helped.)
OK, here’s a story for you. Background you need to know:
(1) I have something of a driving phobia. Not enough to stop me from ever driving, but definitely enough so that normally, the only time I’ll go out is when I absolutely have to (work, grocery store, occasional visit to best friend).
(2) I detest winter and cold weather. For me, anything below 60F is “too cold.” My “test tube” is in the state of NJ and for years I harbored fantasies of moving to someplace like AZ. The only thing that’s stopped me was certain life and then financial issues. All right, here we go now.
My best friend, who’s known me since 1989 and is well acquainted with all of my idiosyncracies (there are lots!) including what I just mentioned, “decides” that she’s found the perfect man for me, i.e., exactly my type in terms of intelligence, personality, interests, humor and as if that’s not enough, what I consider good-looking (our respective tastes in men differ in that regard) – and she decides to fix me up with him (he’s an old friend of her husband’s so that’s how she knows him) – even though his house is in NH!!! (What’s wrong with this picture? LOL)
Well, I let her give him my email address and we emailed a few times. The following weekend he came down to NJ (he has family and friends here) and the four of us (my friend, her husband, me, and this guy) went out to eat and see a movie. The next day on his way back up north he stopped by here, we had a wonderful time swilling coffee, talking and watching a couple of movies, and next thing I knew, not only was I thoroughly and completely besotted with him, but he was calling and emailing me practically every night, and he stepped up his visits down here more often. Finally, I started going up north myself even though the driving usually scares the living daylights out of me.
In any event, we’ve been dating LD for 6 months so far and I’m still as crazy about him now as I ever was. Now I know for a fact that if we’re ever going to live together eventually, I’m the one who’s going to have to move up there (I thoroughly understand and agree with his reasons for not wanting to live where I do), and I can tell you that as horrible as winter is where I am now, it’s much worse where he is. He’s mentioned the idea of “if things keep going this well with us, you could move in with me” in conversation; we don’t have any present definite plans to do it right now (both of us have been burned, are working out ‘trust issues’ and prefer to take our time before making such drastic moves) but much to my shock, I’m actually THINKING about it because I think he’s so wonderful.
Though I gotta say now that I’ve experienced it, NH is wonderful once the snow goes away, and snow or not, there’s a level of incredible peace and quiet where he lives, and lots of privacy…these are the reasons why I agree with his refusal to ever move anywhere near where I live now.
Prior to this, I had two other LDRs. The first (I was pretty young, i.e., 21) resulted in my moving up north to a snow-infested frozen waste; we lived together for 3 years but in the end I broke up with him because we drifted apart. The second one (ten years after the first one ended), the guy moved down here to be with me. We were together 6 years total, the last two and a half of which we were married. Then he cheated on me and left me for his (very young) girlfriend, so needless to say I filed for divorce.
In any event, my experience so far with LDRs is obviously mixed, so I’d have to conclude that the “success” of one depends on pretty much the same things that a local relationship would – the level of caring, commitment, values and goals of the couple in question. Not to mention that while the relationship remains LD it would be wise to cultivate a tolerance for frustration since LD lovers don’t get to see each other as often as local ones.
In your case, Kermit216, if you’re only 17 or 18 (as being a senior in high school implies), from my standpoint (both with LDRs and being 42 now) I think that while it’s your call and not mine, you’re a little young to be making plans for a future with any guy, local or long distance. IMO, your focus should instead be on your studies, building your own life and becoming an independent and self-sufficient woman.
OK, here’s a story for you. Background you need to know:
(1) I have something of a driving phobia. Not enough to stop me from ever driving, but definitely enough so that normally, the only time I’ll go out is when I absolutely have to (work, grocery store, occasional visit to best friend).
(2) I detest winter and cold weather. For me, anything below 60F is “too cold.” My “test tube” is in the state of NJ and for years I harbored fantasies of moving to someplace like AZ. The only thing that’s stopped me was certain life and then financial issues.
All right, here we go now.
My best friend, who’s known me since 1989 and is well acquainted with all of my idiosyncracies (there are lots!) including what I just mentioned, “decides” that she’s found the perfect man for me, i.e., exactly my type in terms of intelligence, personality, interests, humor and as if that’s not enough, what I consider good-looking (our respective tastes in men differ in that regard) – and she decides to fix me up with him (he’s an old friend of her husband’s so that’s how she knows him) – even though his house is in NH!!! (What’s wrong with this picture? LOL)
Well, I let her give him my email address and we emailed a few times. The following weekend he came down to NJ (he has family and friends here) and the four of us (my friend, her husband, me, and this guy) went out to eat and see a movie. The next day on his way back up north he stopped by here, we had a wonderful time swilling coffee, talking and watching a couple of movies, and next thing I knew, not only was I thoroughly and completely besotted with him, but he was calling and emailing me practically every night, and he stepped up his visits down here more often. Finally, I started going up north myself even though the driving usually scares the living daylights out of me.
In any event, we’ve been dating LD for 6 months so far and I’m still as crazy about him now as I ever was. Now I know for a fact that if we’re ever going to live together eventually, I’m the one who’s going to have to move up there (I thoroughly understand and agree with his reasons for not wanting to live where I do), and I can tell you that as horrible as winter is where I am now, it’s much worse where he is. He’s mentioned the idea of “if things keep going this well with us, you could move in with me” in conversation; we don’t have any present definite plans to do it right now (both of us have been burned, are working out ‘trust issues’ and prefer to take our time before making such drastic moves) but much to my shock, I’m actually THINKING about it because I think he’s so wonderful.
Though I gotta say now that I’ve experienced it, NH is wonderful once the snow goes away, and snow or not, there’s a level of incredible peace and quiet where he lives, and lots of privacy…these are the reasons why I agree with his refusal to ever move anywhere near where I live now.
Prior to this, I had two other LDRs. The first (I was pretty young, i.e., 21) resulted in my moving up north to a snow-infested frozen waste; we lived together for 3 years but in the end I broke up with him because we drifted apart. The second one (ten years after the first one ended), the guy moved down here to be with me. We were together 6 years total, the last two and a half of which we were married. Then he cheated on me and left me for his (very young) girlfriend, so needless to say I filed for divorce.
In any event, my experience so far with LDRs is obviously mixed, so I’d have to conclude that the “success” of one depends on pretty much the same things that a local relationship would – the level of caring, commitment, values and goals of the couple in question. Not to mention that while the relationship remains LD it would be wise to cultivate a tolerance for frustration since LD lovers don’t get to see each other as often as local ones.
In your case, Kermit216, if you’re only 17 or 18 (as being a senior in high school implies), from my standpoint (both with LDRs and being 42 now) I think that while it’s your call and not mine, you’re a little young to be making plans for a future with any guy, local or long distance. IMO, your focus should instead be on your studies, building your own life and becoming an independent and self-sufficient woman.
Oh crap!
I’m so sorry, everybody! I did NOT mean to post that twice – my darn browser was acting up again!
Please forgive me!
Break up. Not break up as in “I never wanna see you again” but as in “let’s see other people and maybe we’ll get together sometime, but if we don’t no hard feelings either way, mmkay?”
I say this because college is a good time to be completely unattached. There’s gonna be men, men, men, honey. You’re young. You’re vital. Live it up! Don’t go through 4 years stuck with the same guy when you can be out there mingling, dating all sorts of guys and starting to learn what you REALLY want in a guy. Sometimes what you want at oh, 22 isn’t what you wanted at 18. Now’s the time to start “scanning” your “must have” list and pruning it a bit.
You’ll have the rest of your life to be with the same guy after you find the one you wanna be with. And don’t get me wrong, if you run smack dab into “THE ONE” your junior year or so, by all means snap him up.
But don’t go into college with a guy, especially one that’s gonna be a few hundred miles away! It’s bad enough having a boyfriend RIGHT THERE in the same town when you’re first starting college – I mean, at least he’s there and you can see him and you still have the whole lovey dovey thing goin on with him, even if you’re still missing out on the fun of meeting a bunch of new people, some of whom are ahh, really cute. But how much would it suck to have all your fun ruined by a boyfriend that you almost never see? Not that I’m saying you would, but you might end up cheating simply because you’re lonely, or you meet some guy that reminds you of your man, etc. etc. Or you may end up biting the bullet, resigning yourself to being alone but being miserable the whole time.
Live it up, babe!
Ditto much of what Matt said. I’m happier with him, and feel more ‘settled’ than I’ve ever done before. I feel like I’m more in love with him every day. I feel like we have had to woo each other due to the nature of our relationship, we have to put thought and effort into expressing our thoughts and feelings, and in doing so, I feel closer to him than I’ve done with anyone. He knows more about me than a single other person, because we communicate in voice rather than by touch. I’m more sexually satisfied than ever before because we ‘fit’ each other perfectly. Every minute I get to spend with him is a treat, and I hope that, even once we’re living together in wedded bliss, I will remember what it was like to be apart from him and know not to take him for granted, even for a second. I love you too, boo.
If you know, you know. Trust your instincts - it won’t always be easy, but if he’s worth it and you two are right together, it will be fine.
I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years; it worked out well enough during the time we were apart. We’d dated about 6 months in grad school, then both went to different schools after the first semester. We spent 2 years living 6 hours apart, then 2 years living 15ish hours apart, then 1 year living on opposite sides of the country. Then I moved here to be with him, caught him with a prostitute, and ended the relationship.
Anyhow, THAT part aside, the relationship worked during the seperation because we were both honest and understanding about basic human needs. People need others in their lives, not just in their minds. So, I had my friends, male and female, he did too, and we had a bond that didn’t seem to change if we were together or not, it was just a natural coupling.
It’s hard sometimes, just because of them not being right there. My husband now is gone for weeks at a time fairly frequently. I miss him horribly, but I have a nice sense of peace knowing the strength of the relationship makes it work out just fine.
LDRs can work, if you’re both prepared to put the same amount of effort into it. I’ve been in one for nearly five years - my partner works in Europe, I live in the UK. We see each other for a maximum of four days every month!
In between, we communicate by email, text and chat (rarely by phone 'cos he hates using the things) so most of the time we know what’s going on with each other. We don’t really have mutual friends as such, he’s been out of the country and lost touch with a lot of people, I’ve only recently moved into his house and have made friends that he only occasionally meets.
We have built up a lot of trust in each other, we have to because it would be very easy for either of us to cheat with a reasonable certianty of not being found out. But neither of us wants to do that, so our relationship works out very well.
At the end of June he finishes his job and will move back here permanently - that’s when things might get difficult! We both have our own lives, our own interests and he’ll need to make a few friends of his own. Given the levels of trust etc already established between us, I’m really hopeful that this is going to work out really well.
So you see, distance isn’t always a barrier to a good relationship. However in your case, I think the fact that you’re both very young and heading for college will place a lot of strain on your relationship. College is a great experience and to get the most out of it, you have to put a lot in. You’ll both end up with new interests, friends and all that stuff - if you can’t share that with each other then you have to really think about whether you want to continue with your relationship as it stands, or whether you should take a break from each other and see how you feel when you’ve spent a little time apart.
Again I ask: Why are you going to different schools?
Maybe there’s a really good reason, but whatever it is, it says to me that you guys aren’t planning each other into your immediate futures.
I still say officially break up, but with a long weekend romance clause and calling privileges “as friends”
This will probably get you through the first month. Then your first batch of exams comes up, study groups form, the calls come less frequently, gradually you ween off each other, and maybe see other people, but at very least you’re not trying to reach across 400 miles for love and support.
This only works if you’re prepared to hear him tell you that he’s seeing someone else, and are prepared to tell him about your romantic life as well.
You’ll come back to each other if it’s meant to be.