Hi there all you wise and knowledgable types…
I’m having a problem. I’m currently in a long distance relationship (I’m at university and she’s at home). We talk every day and I’m always loving and supportive (in my opinion), yet she is dissatified, says shes ‘in the background’ and doesn’t feel loved.
This is really confusing for me as I thought everything was great and that i WAS being loving and making her feel important…we’ve talked about it and it seems like we’re having a major communication problem.
So here it is: has anyone got any wise words? Anyone been in/is in a long term relationship or had similar problems? What happened? HELP!
I agree. Make the most of your years at University, green_dragon. These are truely the halcion years, and if you don’t make the most of it, you may regret it.
They’re right – the fact that she’s feeling this way, and that it’s a long distance relationship, means that the best thing to do is to break up. An important lesson to learn is that sometimes the timing of a relationship is off, regardless of how great the two of you could be in other circumstances, and it would make both of you miserable in the long run to try to force it.
I’m sorry, but I really think you should break up. Good luck.
I can give you my honest advice, or I can make it optimistic. Can’t have both in this case, I’m affraid.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’ll share with you my experience with college (aka university) life, FWIW. When I was an 18 year old freshman, I lived on a hall with ~25 other guys. About half of them came to school and their sweetheart was still at home, or otherwise in some long distance situation, by Christmas, half of them had broken up. By spring break in March, so had the other half. Very very very few long distance relationships last through college. It is a time when you will go through huge changes, and it is just too hard to keep up with that other person. Focus on your studies and making the best of the University experience. I am sure you will meet many interesting people there. Good luck!
OK people so you’re all unaminous it seems. A couple of other points though, especially regarding the last post:
I’m in 2nd year now having stayed together through the first year with relatively few hiccups
There’s no-one around me who I’ve had any connection with all this time and the same for her
I’m not in denial here, I hear what you’re saying but I do want to explore alternatives. This is a serious, long term, commited relationship and I don’t want to throw it all away lightly!
Well, Jesus son, don’t listen to a bunch of complete <potential> wankers on an anonymous message board then!
I stand by my advice, but only you can decide what is best and right for you. If I may be permitted to read between the lines here, it looks like you are searching for some reason to hang on when you know you shouldn’t because it is scary to think of being alone. But again, what do I know?
Well you do have a point, however I’m trying to cast a net to find people who’ve had similar experiences. I have enough of a brain to filter out what the wankers say. In fact I posted a message here a coupla years ago about the same girl in a different situation and someone gave me some very good advice which basically led to this lasting this long, so I live in hope.
Maybe I am scared of being alone. Does anyone like being alone?
Maybe I’m worried I might not find someone like her again.
green_dragon, your relationship may be the exception, but be aware of how difficult a long-term relationship is, at the end of which you may break up anyway. I stubbornly dated my high school girlfriend all through college, half of which was long distance. We broke up after college, and now I wish I had dated other people while I was in college – it’s a pretty unique chance to meet lots of different people, and have different types of relationships, varying from casual sex to serious relationship.
I had a long-distance relationship starting about a year ago, with a guy that I met through a friend in college, so we completley lived in different cities, and were even farther away when i went home. We were together for about 5 months, and then we broke up (well, he dumped me). But it was mainly a lack of communication. (He didn’t tell me I was clingy and expected it to fix itself, then ignored me and didn’t call me for a week, then when I tracked him down, he dumped me. ) I’d say the fact that she’s telling you that she’s feeling ignored is a good step. Communication is essential in any relationship but most especially in a LDR. Try your best to keep the talking open, see if there’s anything you can do. I wish you the best of luck, but realize that sometimes there’s nothing you can do and life just isn’t conducive to you two being together right now.
I’ve been in a relationship for 2+ years, about a year and a half of it has been long-distance. We’re both in college, but I was in the process of getting my papers in order for a transfer when we started dating. It can be done. It helps that we are not far away from each other and both have cars–we make an effort to see each other most weekends. And we also spend huge amounts of time talking on the computer. You just have to make a conscious effort to interact with your SO every day.
About whether or not to keep the relationship together, I dunno. In my case, I know that I could theoretically be dating scads of people in college, as Giraffe points out…but I’ve never met anybody who I ‘clicked’ with so well as my current SO. And I know I’m not the least bit afraid of being alone, so that isn’t a factor. So here I stay.
I dont think the problem is with you exactly, if she feels like shes in the background I’d guess that she doesnt have as much going on in her life as you do and is unhappy about that. ( I’m assuming) She might wish that there was a quick fix to you guys being together or she is insecure and waiting for the day that you’ll be seeing each other again. Sometimes ldr just sputter out.
Mr. Dragon, ask her to be specific about the kind of things that will make her feel loved.
So often when people don’t feel loved, it is because they don’t know how to make themselves happy; they depend on someone else to do it for them. Encourage her to find things outside of the relationship which will enhance her self-esteem.
Don’t worry about tomorrow or next year. If you genuinely love her, the time won’t be wasted even if the relationship doesn’t survive.
And if it does survive, you will be glad for the effort.
By the way, the book which most influenced my own self-esteem was Revolution from Within by Gloria Steinem.
Hey, I’ve kinda been in this same situation, but from her point of view. My boyfriend and I live about an hour and a half away from each other. He visits me every weekend (he’s so good to me), but sometimes I just get so down and feel so lonely. We talk every night, like y’all, and it was always those few nights he didn’t have time to talk to me (other plans, studying, papers, whatever) that made me feel worse.
I’ve learned that I just really needed a hobby. As dumb as it sounds, that was the problem. When I started going out with friends more, playing my music more, and really concentrating on my studies, I started to have nights when I didn’t have time to talk to him. I think that helped us both - we each had free time and weren’t so clingy.
I don’t know if your situation is the same - like I said, I still get to see Paul almost every weekend (we rarely go more than 3 weeks apart). Perhaps your girl should try to do something just for her. I just know I spent too much time waiting by the phone to make sure I didn’t miss his call - I’m much happier now even though I miss a couple.
I’m glad to see that there are people here who support what’s been going round and round in MY head…that is, if I think I’m doing ok, could the ‘problem’ that she’s perceiving with me have something to do with her…I know that she’s very stressed most of the time and her self esteem is awful (despite being very fit and attractive, which always puzzles me…) so maybe theres a limit to what I can do in the way of changing my behaviour.
So how do I talk about this with her without it sounding like I’m throwing up my hands and saying ‘its not me, its you!’?
Dude! Your in college! These are going to be the years you look back to most in life when your an old fart. Do you really want to fill those memories with: “yeah I used to call home to my highschool sweetheart alot” Hell no you don’t! Enjoy these years my friend and don’t waste your love’n on just on girl.
How old are you? If 22 or younger, move on, it’s over.
How often do you see each other? If more than 3 months pass without seeing her, move on, it’s over.
How often do you talk?
How long have you known each other?
I’m in a long distance relationship. I live in LA. My GF lives in Boston, working on her PhD. However, we are both in our late 30’s. I have gone out to see her every month since she’s moved there. We talk, usually ever day. Plus I send her e-mails and cards (chicks like that kind of stuff:D)
And here’s the kicker. We’ve only been romantically involved for 8 months, but we’ve been close friends for 14 years. (long story short, we each harbored a secret attraction to the other that we kept quiet for fear of ‘risking’ the friendship)
So, if you really love this girl, keep trying. Ask her what she needs from you. Tell her what you need from her. It might work out. But if you’re young and have to go long periods of time without seeing each other, then these thing work against you. And long distance relationships are always a risky propostition.
