Is it OK to not like a kid?

[loshan]

We live in the mountains and our land backs up to national forest land. As a result, we get lots of visitors throughout the year.

My SO's nephew comes up alot with his son, and every couple of months he brings his best friend and his kids.

I have no problem with any of them, with the exception of the 10 YO. He irritates the hell out of me. For instance, tonight when they arrived, I had baked a cake. I asked if they wanted a piece...well of course...YAAAY CAKE! When I hand him his plate, he looks at it and says "What is this? What's in it anyway?"

I don't think it comes across in my interactions with him, I try to treat him just like all the rest, but his blossoming personality grates on me badly.

When I mentioned this to the SO, he was incredulous. "What kind of a problem can a 47 YO woman have with a 10 YO?" "He's just a kid." ...etc, etc.

I don't expect him to be anything but a kid, but I just can't help my gut reaction to him. The SO has decided that this is some defect in me (he loves kids....any and all, and neither of us has any of our own.)

So what's the consensus? Does not liking a 10 YO make me awful....or normal?

[Kyla]

Of course it's okay. Kids are people too, and some of them have lousy personalities and are jerks. I used to be an elementary school teacher and I really disliked several of my students, who were awful brats.

[don't ask]

I used to absolutely loathe one of my best friend's kids. He just had a full-of-himself personality that gave me the shits. I only used to see him once or twice a year and was thankful because it was hard not to be mean to him.

As he got older I found he'd changed and I liked him more. Now he is in his mid 20s and lives in the same city as me. We are firm friends and regularly get together for things that we both like - trivia, bands, sport, drinking and eating. This despite me being his father's age.

[The Devil's Grandmother]

Originally Posted by loshan

I don't think it comes across in my interactions with him, I try to treat him just like all the rest, but his blossoming personality grates on me badly.

The kid probably knows. People often do.
I agree with Kyla, people who claim to love all children/dogs/whatever either haven't met an asshole or are in denial. (I don't mean to be harsh on your SO, but how much does he really interact with the kids?)
I had a cousin was a jerk from birth. I sometimes felt bad about how I disliked him, so I kept giving him second chances. Last time I saw him he was about 17 and still jerky. I hope he got better.

[loshan]

Thanks, you guys made me feel like I'm not really a monster. On this issue anyway.

Not having my own kids, I just don't have the exposure to know if this is "normal" or not.

I have wondered if maybe as this kid gets older and "grows into" or "out of" his sanctimonious bullshit, maybe I'd like him.

He's a smart kid....just no "people skills", as my mother would say. And he's bossy and opionated, just like someone whose screen name appears at the top of this post.

[Jake Jones]

It's absolutely okay to not like a kid. Some kids display no redeeming qualities whatsover. However, until that kid becomes an adult, you owe it to everyone to keep your opinion to yourself.

People don't change very often as adults. Kids change all the time.

[loshan]

Originally Posted by The Devil's Grandmother

(I don't mean to be harsh on your SO, but how much does he really interact with the kids?)

I thought that also. He loves all his and my (very numerous) nieces and nephews, all the neighbor/friend's kids, and he is GREAT with children of any age, but doesn't have day to day interactions with any but one nephew.

He's also the guy who always WANTED kids (I didn't. At the ripe old age of 3, I announced my intention never to have them and have felt that way pretty much all my life). So I'm sure that colors his opinion.

[loshan]

Originally Posted by Jake Jones

It's absolutely okay to not like a kid. Some kids display no redeeming qualities whatsover. However, until that kid becomes an adult, you owe it to everyone to keep your opinion to yourself.

People don't change very often as adults. Kids change all the time.

Which is why I never said anything to anyone 'til tonight. He asked if I liked "John's" kids and I told the truth...."I have a problem with "Trevor.)

I would never, ever say anything to Trevor, his parents or anyone but the SO and a few, select, distant friends.

[loshan]

Originally Posted by loshan

So I'm sure that colors his opinion.

Missed the edit.....

AND MINE.

[Jake Jones]

Originally Posted by loshan

Which is why I never said anything to anyone 'til tonight. He asked if I liked "John's" kids and I told the truth...."I have a problem with "Trevor.)

I would never, ever say anything to Trevor, his parents or anyone but the SO and a few, select, distant friends.

I certainly wasn't accusing you, just sharing my general opinion. I don't have now, nor will ever have children, like you.

I do believe that kids should be somewhat sheltered while they are kids. If the parents can't get their kids to stop being dicks by the time they reach adulthood, the matter of blame is mostly irrelevant. Just another asshole in the world.

Mostly though, the only shitty kids I've met were spawn of shitty parents, so I tend to not associate with any of them when I can avoid it.

[monstro]

I have a low tolerance for certain personality flaws--and I don't really make an exception for kids even though are not self-aware yet to control themselves yet.

Sometimes the kids in my own family say or do things that, at least in that particular moment, make me don't like them. Some people like the raw honesty that children have, but I don't. Especially if they're at the age where it's not cute anymore.

I'm totally old-school...or at least I have this fantasy that I am. I don't like kids talking to me any ole kind of way. If a kid had acted like the one in the OP did, I probably would have said something "Do you want a piece or not, kid? You do? OK, then. Take the plate and sit your ass down somewhere. No one has time for your 21 questions."

Yeah, the kid would probably not like me afterwards but at least he'd watch his mouth when in my presence.

[handsomeharry]

SO could be trying to pull your chain. Mighty suspicious that he asked you that question. What would prompt it?
SO is being a 'wit' it seems to me.
Also, of course it's alright to not love all children. That is why Eddie Haskell is still so well remembered and revered.

Best wishes,
hh

[Ca3799]

I, too, remember being shocked at myself the first time I ran across a kid I just couldn't like and, Lord knows, I did put quite a bit of effort into it.

The fact is that kid is an annoying, sneaky, manipulative, destructive and whiny little sh*t. I put a lot of effort into developing a friendship and understanding with him and his family, but I just gave up on the lot of them after a while.

I have a lot of kids in my house- mine and half the neighborhood it seems like. My DH and I joke that we run a teenager flop house.

On the one hand I like having kids over. I like kids, and I know where they are and what they are doing. On the other hand, my house can sometimes turn into a 'kid dump' for parents who don't want to deal with or feed their own.

There are always kids you like more and kids you like less and sometimes it's just a matter of finding common ground and having clear rules for kid behavior that will keep things running smoothly. I'm used to kids new to my house pushing the envelope to see what they can get away with or where the boundaries are, but that kid, I'm sorry to say, I just had to give up on.

I find the kids that are the worst behaved at my house are the ones that the parents don't interact with as much as they bark orders at. These kids are not used to having conversations with adults and sometimes it takes a while to get them to elevate their game.

[WhyNot]

Every adult asshole was once a child. Generally, they were assholes then, too. (The corollary to this is that most assholes get old. Old assholes are still assholes; age does not automatically give assholes wisdom and charm.)

However, yes, it's possible for them to grow out of it, so you should try to keep it to yourself. One of my goddaughters was a Grade A asshole from birth to about age 15. Now she's 18 and getting to be quite a lovely person. I'm glad I didn't let my dislike of her show much when she was younger, or I wouldn't be getting to know the charming young woman she is today.

[AClockworkMelon]

Don't sweat it. The way you feel about Trevor is the way I feel about children in general.

[Ephemera]

I dislike my nephew, or one of my cousins that's also his age, and though I'm not mean to them, I don't really hide my opinion of them to anyone that asks. Anyone that claims to like every child, animal, or whatever is full of it.

[loshan]

[quote=monstro;13407942]If a kid had acted like the one in the OP did, I probably would have said something "Do you want a piece or not, kid? You do? OK, then. Take the plate and sit your ass down somewhere. No one has time for your 21 questions."
QUOTE]

I told him it was cake, frosting and poison.

[dangermom]

Good for you. I probably would have looked at him, looked at the cake, and said, "You don't want it then? OK." And given it to another kid. He can have cake when he can act like a civilized human being.


ETA: my kid would have asked what was in the cake, but she would have done it politely and explained that she has food allergies.

[Ogre]

Some kids totally make my smackin' hand itch. Some are as agreeable as can be. I can say the same thing about adults as a group, so don't feel like a terrible person.

[Teacake]

That's absurd. No-one would expect a kid to like every adult, no-one expects any kid or adult to like all their peers, so why should there be any expectation that as an adult you should like every kid? There are several kids I have to deal with who I can't stand, with good reason or just because they're people and so am I. Sometimes we don't like each other.

[loshan]

"You ARE making us lunch for when we get back from snowmobiling, right? Cuz cereal is not that good of a breakfast."

Yeah, lunch will be ready. For everybody else. Cereal all day for you kid.

[StuffLikeThatThere]

My neighbor kid is really, really annoying. She's 12? 13? Right around there. She is sullen and pouty and yet somehow wants to be a teacher's pet (I'm involved with our local schools in a teacher-ish capacity, though I am not a teacher). She brags about her skills at everything, which in reality are generally acceptable but not outstanding, and puts down other kids in sly ways. Also, she consistently tells whoppers.

I try to keep several things in mind. First, up until a couple of years ago, her life was pretty unstable. Things have really smoothed out and stabilized for her, but I imagine it will take a while for life to feel really safe. Second, I think she has no sense of self-worth, and so she's trying to be clever and brag to make up for it. Most of her lies are positioning to make herself feel better. Third, she's thirteen (or thereabouts). I was supremely annoying at thirteen, and look at me now! It's just a miserable age.

So generally, I do my best to be kind and generous to her without allowing her to take advantage of me or the other kids with her BS. I believe this is the correct course of action.

But dear God in Heaven, she is ANNOYING!

[ShelliBean]

My oldest has one friend that I don't like. I can't put my finger on it exactly. He's never done anything wrong, really. He just rubs me the wrong way. Upon meeting him a few of my friends have had the same reaction. It's kind of an attitude or way of talking to you that says "I may be 6/8/10 and you are an adult, but I am clearly the superior here." Like the day I overheard the two boys discussing some electronics and he had something my kid didn't so the boy walked up to me and wanted to know "Why haven't you bought him a computer yet?" It wasn't inquisitive. It was accusatory. I simply asked him if he would like to pay for it - but it is stuff like that all the time.

When we found out they were moving I was oh so sad, then my SO and I privately did the dance of joy.

[phouka]

When I became a teacher, I knew there would be kids that I liked so much I'd have to be careful not to show favoritism. What I didn't expect was that there would be kids I disliked so much, I'd have to work hard not squish them like bugs.

It was usually a kid who had a terrible sense of entitlement, or was cruel to other kids, or was a complete drama queen. When that was the case, I had to focus on the behavior and not the kid. If the behavior was not acceptable, I squished the behavior. ("Student, we don't treat people like that. This is your one warning. Do it again, I call your parents. Do it a third time, you go to the office.") I also had to make a point to reinforce the good behavior so the kid didn't feel like I hated him (even if I did).

The thing is, actions shape feelings. So, when I started praising the kids I disliked when they were behaving well, the kids behaved better, and I found that I disliked them less. In some cases, the kids behavior improved so much that I found I really had started to like them.

[FairyChatMom]

I have a nephew I can't stand. He's 20, and he's been a rude brat since he was a kid. But being the only boy grandchild on that side of the family, he can do no wrong. He can't manage a "Hello" for us ever. Nor does he feel compelled to say "Thank you" - I knitted him and his sister afghans for Christmas - he neither acknowledged nor thanked me for it. I went so far as to write to him and ask if he ever received it - no reply. Whenever we leave a place we've been where he's present, we play a game "Did he talk to you?"

And it's not a shyness or awkwardness issue - I've watched him with other people. Apparently, it's just us.

No biggie. He's not getting gifts from me ever again. He'll be graduating from college soon. He might get a card. I'm not sure he's worth the price of the postage.

[loshan]

Originally Posted by ShelliBean

"I may be 6/8/10 and you are an adult, but I am clearly the superior here." Like the day I overheard the two boys discussing some electronics and he had something my kid didn't so the boy walked up to me and wanted to know "Why haven't you bought him a computer yet?" It wasn't inquisitive. It was accusatory.

THIS.

AND THIS.

"Some kids totally make my smackin' hand itch"

I'm not being very articulate this morning. But you guys have hit the nail on the head, and are making it much easier to be around him today.

A safe place to bitch is a wonderful thing.

[FuzzyOgre]

Speaking from personal experience, it sounds a little like Aspergers/Autism Syndrome. I was bad for a certain bluntness like that. Rubbing people the wrong way seems to be the Aspie shibboleth.

What really tips me off is the "what is this, whats in it?" statement. Everything to me was(and still often is) its own object, its own type. Does that make sense?

If it were me offering the cake, I would have answered "worms, slugs and snail turds". The reaction you get can be very telling.

Oh, and its ok to dislike kids. I do. But as someone said, its unfair to hold it against them: they might turn out ok in the end.

[statsman1982]

To paraphrase George Carlin, kids are like any other group of people. Some winners. A whole lot of losers.

You are under no obligation to like a kid because he/she is a kid. But, as others have said, the personalities of children are fairly mutable, so keep it to yourself until he's an adult.

[Tom Tildrum]

He's entering the age range where a lot of kids become loathsome for a while.

[FriarTed]

Originally Posted by loshan

"You ARE making us lunch for when we get back from snowmobiling, right? Cuz cereal is not that good of a breakfast."

Yeah, lunch will be ready. For everybody else. Cereal all day for you kid.

Was this just now? Please tell us that you'll stick with this & how he reacts!

Does he have trouble walking? 'Cause he's got some big brass ones.

[loshan]

Originally Posted by FriarTed

Was this just now? Please tell us that you'll stick with this & how he reacts!

Does he have trouble walking? 'Cause he's got some big brass ones.

Yes, just before they left for the morning ride. And, No, he'll get the same pizza everyone else gets.

Of course, I could add a crunchy topping of Fruit Loops and Coco Puffs to his slices.

[Peremensoe]

Some respondents seem to feel the kid shouldn't have asked what was in the cake. I understand he may have done so in an obnoxious way, but I think the best bet is often to ignore the obnoxious aspect and respond as if the best-possible interpretation is the only one. Pretend he's your friend, saying "ooh, what's in this," with enthusiasm. So respond, with enthusiasm, about the provenance of the recipe, the great ingredients you used, how good it was the first time you had it, so on. Whatever the differences are between this cake and whatever "cake" was to him previously, cast them as good things--because they are, right?

Look, it's clear the kid can stand to learn better modulation of his remarks. (Plenty of adults, too.) But when he says "cereal isn't that good of a breakfast," he's absolutely correct, and probably repeating or paraphrasing something his parents have told him. And when he says "you are making us lunch," I understand it came across as commanding, but again, I suspect the most productive response is to pretend it was said better. If you act like people around you (and not just kids) have only the best possible intentions and implications, often you'll find that they modify their behavior to be more in line with your favorable interpretations.

[loshan]

I will try that spark240.

BTW, I agree that cereal "isn't that good of a breakfast." And "parroting the parents" was the first thought I had when he said that. Everyone else had scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and toast. The cereal was his choice.

[Peremensoe]

Originally Posted by loshan

BTW, I agree that cereal "isn't that good of a breakfast." And "parroting the parents" was the first thought I had when he said that. Everyone else had scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and toast. The cereal was his choice.

Interesting. Well, I suppose one way to apply the approach I described would have been to act like he was regretting his own poor choice. Say, with sympathy rather than reproach, "yeah, I guess you wish you'd had some eggs and hashbrowns, now. They were good. Well, lunch will be good too."

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by loshan

"You ARE making us lunch for when we get back from snowmobiling, right? Cuz cereal is not that good of a breakfast."

Yeah, lunch will be ready. For everybody else. Cereal all day for you kid.

Originally Posted by loshan

I will try that spark240.

BTW, I agree that cereal "isn't that good of a breakfast." And "parroting the parents" was the first thought I had when he said that. Everyone else had scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and toast. The cereal was his choice.

At this point, I'm wondering what's wrong with your SO that he doesn't see how incredibly obnoxious this kid is.

[rhubarbarin]

Hell yes, it's fine and totally normal. Some kids are little shits. Sometimes even your own kids are unbearable.

I enjoy the company of kids, like most kids, and I'm pretty patient, but kids are people like everyone else and there will always be some I like, some I don't. I have certain standards for basic politeness and I do best when I can discipline/correct children for misbehaving; that's not really allowed in most situations anymore, with parenting norms these days. It's hard when kids are rude and obnoxious and I just have to take it. I do get mad about it sometimes. I never, ever take out my irritation with some kids by snarking at them - most kids who act this way just haven't gotten negative feedback about it from the adults in their lives. There are a ton of parents who don't discipline their kids at all, and it's not really the kid's fault that no one tells them or shows them how to act right.

Sometimes there's copious good parenting and discipline, and the kid is still a PITA in some way. What are you going to do?

I love my boyfriend's nephew dearly and have known him his whole life, but often he really chaps my ass and has since he was 2 years old! His sisters, on the other hand, I never get annoyed with - they are just more polite and enjoyable to be around. I don't beat myself up about it - the kid can be rude and annoying, and has a strong personality his parents haven't dealt with before. He'll probably turn out well in the end, and a lot of time I think he's the cutest.

[Chefguy]

I dislike most male children under the age of twelve. They're generally obnoxious and ill-behaved and I have zero tolerance for it. I'd blame the parents, but I didn't even like my own youngest son until he was about 20 years old and had finally outgrown his stunted maturity.

[ZPG Zealot]

[quote=loshan;13408168]

Originally Posted by monstro

If a kid had acted like the one in the OP did, I probably would have said something "Do you want a piece or not, kid? You do? OK, then. Take the plate and sit your ass down somewhere. No one has time for your 21 questions."
QUOTE]

I told him it was cake, frosting and poison.

If an adult told me that when I was a chiild, I would have responded by dumping the uneaten cake in most visible garbage can. With so many people having either food allergies or religious proscriptions against eating various foods under various conditions, having someone ask what is in a food item offered to them, seems perfectly natural to me. In fact, when I am a host I ususally offer such information upfront (along with a few alternatives) when offereing refreshments.

[StuffLikeThatThere]

[quote=ZPG Zealot;13408827]

Originally Posted by loshan

If an adult told me that when I was a chiild, I would have responded by dumping the uneaten cake in most visible garbage can. With so many people having either food allergies or religious proscriptions against eating various foods under various conditions, having someone ask what is in a food item offered to them, seems perfectly natural to me. In fact, when I am a host I ususally offer such information upfront (along with a few alternatives) when offereing refreshments.

Sure. And if the kid had said, "Excuse me. Does this have tree nuts in it?" we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[ZPG Zealot]

[quote=StuffLikeThatThere;13408859]

Originally Posted by ZPG Zealot

Sure. And if the kid had said, "Excuse me. Does this have tree nuts in it?" we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I suspect we would. "What is this?" and "What's in this?" are rather innocent question people with allergies or food taboos ask all the time. The only people I have observed get angry over those questions were ready to take offensive over anything. In cultural situations where many types of people interact it is consider de riguer for the host to provide this type of information so guests can make informed decisions about their food choices.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally Posted by loshan

We live in the mountains and our land backs up to national forest land. As a result, we get lots of visitors throughout the year.

My SO's nephew comes up alot with his son, and every couple of months he brings his best friend and his kids.

I have no problem with any of them, with the exception of the 10 YO. He irritates the hell out of me. For instance, tonight when they arrived, I had baked a cake. I asked if they wanted a piece...well of course...YAAAY CAKE! When I hand him his plate, he looks at it and says "What is this? What's in it anyway?"
..............snip....

So what's the consensus? Does not liking a 10 YO make me awful....or normal?

Sounds like the parents were lax in teaching him appropriate social behaviour (or at least how to pretend).

And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with you regarding how you feel. What a insufferably snooty bratty way to behave! This boy is definitely old enough to have learned how to behave properly in a social setting such as the one you describe.

[CanvasShoes]

Originally Posted by loshan

"You ARE making us lunch for when we get back from snowmobiling, right? Cuz cereal is not that good of a breakfast."

Yeah, lunch will be ready. For everybody else. Cereal all day for you kid.

Good grief! What a mouthy little brat!

[Kaio]

Yeah, I recently visited my extended family, and my 10-year-old nephew was, to put it mildly, very controlling. I wouldn't admire such a trait to begin with, but it's also a particular hot-button with me. I avoided him for the rest of the trip, though I didn't say anything. His older sibs seem to be turning out okay, though, so I'm hoping it's something that he'll outgrow in short order.

I dislike kids in general, but I'm okay with them for the durations that they can act civilized and adult-like. I'll leave once they revert to type, though.

[loshan]

ZPG: Although I can see that being an issue, and I always ask parents for this info if their kids are eating at my house, this particular child has been around here more than a few times and doesn't have food allergies.

He's just lacking in manners and has a condescending attitude about damn near everything.

When they came back from snowmobiling, he informed the SO that, "you guys really should get new snowmobiles because those don't look very good." Not, "thank you for letting me ride". NOT, "wow, that was fun".

And, just like that, I saw understanding dawn on the SO's face and I am no longer a horrible person.

[even sven]

Kids can be annoying, but I think you still owe it to them to try to guide them and work with them. Part of growing up is finding your independence, and I think most kids go through a stage where they try to assert that by showing disinterest/disdain/snobbiness towards adults. It's a way to differentiate yourself from the adults in your life..."Oh, you like cake? Well, I don't like cake." The trick is to show them that it isn't working, and encourage them towards a better path towards independence.

[flatlined]

I am childfree by choice. I like kids, but the idea of being responsible for a human life 24/7/365 for at least 18 years makes me want to curl up under the bed and hide.

That being said, if my nephew had DEMANDED to know what was in the cake, I would have taken his plate and handed him the cookbook while serving cake to everyone else. If the ingredient list had pleased him, I'd serve him some cake too, but I wouldn't get up from the table to do it. He would have to wait until after I was done enjoying the cake with everyone else. I would discuss the recipe with him and answer any questions he had, but he'd have to wait for the cake.

Now, if he had asked if there were nuts in the cake, I'd have told him "No, David. I know you are allergic to nuts. You are my favorite nephew, afterall. I want to keep you around for a while."

Family members usually know about other family members' food preferences and/or allergies. I don't cook for strangers, so don't usually have to worry about keeping ingredient lists in my memory.

edited to add that while I read while I eat, I don't let people who have to be reminded to wash dirty hands before eating to eat and read my books. This applied to an ex-boyfriend as well.

[River Hippie]

Originally Posted by Kyla

Of course it's okay. Kids are people too, and some of them have lousy personalities and are jerks. I used to be an elementary school teacher and I really disliked several of my students, who were awful brats.

Agree with that.

[Rex Goliath]

Originally Posted by loshan

I asked if they wanted a piece...well of course...YAAAY CAKE! When I hand him his plate, he looks at it and says "What is this? What's in it anyway?"

Honestly, this sounds like me when I was a kid. A lot of that sass is learned from TV, because on television characters that talk like this are considered charismatic and independent. (House is an example.) My childhood was spent in a house where opinions are kept to oneself, and to this day I have problems expressing my opinions in a healthy, non-asshole way.

I grew up my whole life hearing "don't you talk back to me", "don't be a smartass", and "if you were my kid I'd beat you with a belt" but I honestly had no idea how what I was saying was offensive. Some kids are somewhat lacking in self-awareness, are completely unable to detect the tone of their own voices or the effect that their comments have on others.

For kids like me, keeping your mouth shut or yelling are not useful. They either reinforce the negative behavior of just make them think you're an asshole, and not worth listening to. Politely demonstrating a nicer, more effective way to express that particular opinion is, in my opinion, the best way to help the kid.

YMMV

[WhyNot]

Originally Posted by ZPG Zealot

I suspect we would. "What is this?" and "What's in this?" are rather innocent question people with allergies or food taboos ask all the time.

No. Not if they want to stay alive. Name the allergen/s, and I'll tell you if any of them are in there. Not just because it's more polite, but because it's safer that way. I may forget the cinnamon in my chili if you just ask me what's in it ("Oh...onions, tomatoes, beef, chili beans... y'know, chili stuff!") but if you specifically ask me if it has cinnamon, I'm far more likely to remember that, oh yes, this time I did put some cinnamon in, even though I don't always do that.

My daughter is gluten intolerant. I don't expect everyone to know what "gluten" is, or what ingredients have it, or to give her a list of ingredients which she won't understand anyhow. I do expect her to politely say, "Mrs. Smith, I can't eat wheat or rye or barley - are any of those in this cake?"

[CanvasShoes]

Originally Posted by loshan

ZPG: And, just like that, I saw understanding dawn on the SO's face and I am no longer a horrible person.

Oh good! Now you don't have to go around with him secretly thinking you're mean or something.