Step parents: Any way in hell you would honor this?

[Shakes]

Having dinner tonight with a friend of mine.

He tells me that his step daughter's father wants him to "Stop making her root for the (Dallas) Cowboys."

The daughter is about 6 or 7 (I think). Whatching football is a bonding activity for the Step dad and daughter.

He says he's trying (or was trying since FB is over now) to tone it down out of respect. I say he's crazy. The fathers request is laughable at best.

Snide comments about the Cowboys aside, what do you guys think?

[Rand Rover]

Originally Posted by Shakes

Snide comments about the Cowboys aside, what do you guys think?

I think someone needs a kick in the balls (and it's not your friend).

[Taomist]

I think I'd let him know that you're certainly not forcing her to like any particular team; hell, you can show her all the different teams and she can choose her own to root for!
She might like some other cuddly animal, or maybe ravens!

But if she likes Dallas, then daddy's just gonna have to get over it.

[Otara]

Sports teams are a bit like religion. Baffling and stupid to some, while life and death to others.

Being a step-parent is hard work, and where possible its definitely worth avoiding 'you're taking my child away from me' scenarios unless its plainly a case of no matter what you do, you're stuffed, because the person who loses most in those situations is always the child.

The mother presumably has an opinion on the issue.

Otara

[Ladymarmalade]

Of course it's not really about that silly issue, but about bio father feeling his place is being usurped or something. It's a stupid argument, don't engage. I think the stepdad is very wise. Stay away from anything that causes trouble, right or wrong, because the child is the one who ultimately pays.

[Lucky 13]

Yeah, I'd say stay out of it also. The child can root for whatever team she likes, and the parents, on both sides, are just going to have to put their big kid undies on and deal with it. My BIL is a USC fan, and I imagine he's envisioning my toddler nephew's future of Trojan football glory even as we speak. My niece (his stepdaughter), on the other hand, is in 8th grade and planning to attend UCLA. She even owns a Bruins T-shirt. BIL is learning to live with it.

[Sofis]

To demand that a child stop liking a certain sports team would be unreasonable, certainly. However, we are at the tail end of a game of Telephone here, and do not actually know that this is what was requested. If, for example, what the father wants is for the girl to stop going on about how supporters of the wrong teams are horrible impotent morons who are so stupid they forget to pull down their pants when they take a shit (also what does impotent mean, daddy?), then it's an eminently reasonable request.

[BigT]

Originally Posted by Sofis

To demand that a child stop liking a certain sports team would be unreasonable, certainly. However, we are at the tail end of a game of Telephone here, and do not actually know that this is what was requested. If, for example, what the father wants is for the girl to stop going on about how supporters of the wrong teams are horrible impotent morons who are so stupid they forget to pull down their pants when they take a shit (also what does impotent mean, daddy?), then it's an eminently reasonable request.

That's actually how I interpreted the comment. The fact that your kid happens to like a certain team wouldn't make you suspect that the parent is "making" the kid like them. But if the kid is hurling insults at others, or even just talking about it at inappropriate times, it would make more sense.

The only other ways I could interpret that comment is if it were a polite ribbing from a fan of a rival, or biodad is just an idiot.

[Barkis is Willin']

This is a lot tougher than ht sounds on the surface. Next to actually playing sports together, rooting for our sports teams was the strongest bond between my father and me.

Someone upthread was right, sports is religion for a lot of folks. Granted, the kid is free to root for whatever team she chooses, but I can see how the father feels like one of his strongest potential bonds to the child is being compromised.

[shiftless]

It would depend on the relationship I have with the father. In my current step-parent relationship I would first choose to tell him to screw himself, then I would change my mind and agree to do exactly what he asks in the hope that he won't mind-fuck his son anymore.

[Philster]

Technically right vs. Realistically right:

Technically, Bio-Dad has no case.

Realistically, he does (presuming it's about bonding with his child)

When one is right in terms of how the real world works (sports can bond parent/child), their argument only seems realistic if it's handled with diplomacy.

Bio-Dad should have been able to reach out to Step Dad and expressed honest/sincere feelings, and expressed his concern that he is afraid that it might affect their relationship. Handled in an up-front and honest way, which shows concern for the parent-child bonding issues, Step Dad would have to consider the best course of action and work with Bio-Dad.

If Step did not, then the onus for being a jerk is on him.

Yeah, technically, ain't now laws being broken if Step Dad turns her into a full-blown Cowpoke fan, but it might have real-world consequences for Bio-Dad.

I wouldn't bet a nickel on anyone taking the high road for the child here.

[Shakes]

Originally Posted by Philster

Technically right vs. Realistically right:

Technically, Bio-Dad has no case.

Realistically, he does (presuming it's about bonding with his child)

When one is right in terms of how the real world works (sports can bond parent/child), their argument only seems realistic if it's handled with diplomacy.

Bio-Dad should have been able to reach out to Step Dad and expressed honest/sincere feelings, and expressed his concern that he is afraid that it might affect their relationship. Handled in an up-front and honest way, which shows concern for the parent-child bonding issues, Step Dad would have to consider the best course of action and work with Bio-Dad.

If Step did not, then the onus for being a jerk is on him.

Step Dad says he's "Toning it down" which is more than I would do. So I'd say the matter is pretty much at rest. But for the sake of debate, I'd like to posit that step dad has a right to bond with the child too. It's unrealistic to think that step dad wouldn't develop any feelings for his step daughter. He's not a robot. I just don't think I could fold every time bio-dad makes such insane request out of fear that he might hold the child emotional hostage. Fuck that. Bio-dad needs to learn that, like it or not, she has two families now. More so he should feel lucky that there are more people in this girls life that love her.

I can say this because my sons think the world of their step-dad. And I feel lucky that such a cool dude has taken an interest in my sons. At the very least I know they have a positive male influence around.

[Kevbo]

Buy her a puppy. Name it either Dallas, Cowboy, or Landry.

[WOOKINPANUB]

Yeah,beause a six or seven year old really grasps the game of football enough to form an opinion of a given team. Dad needs to get a grip and step dad needs to pretend like he never heard the asinine request. Not saying this applies to all situations, but this is pettiness at its smallest and ugliest.

[shiftless]

Originally Posted by Shakes

I just don't think I could fold every time bio-dad makes such insane request out of fear that he might hold the child emotional hostage.

This is the part of step-parenting I wish someone had told me about beforehand. All the pleasure of child custody fights, including the emotional battles, with none of the rights or privileges. It's funny, I get the feeling that people think I, as a step-parent, am not doing a good deed but that I have somehow stolen something in a vague way. Of course the bio-dad thinks this.

[WOOKINPANUB]

Originally Posted by shiftless

This is the part of step-parenting I wish someone had told me about beforehand. All the pleasure of child custody fights, including the emotional battles, with none of the rights or privileges. It's funny, I get the feeling that people think I, as a step-parent, am not doing a good deed but that I have somehow stolen something in a vague way. Of course the bio-dad thinks this.

Quoted for truth. People get so caught up in their own agenda they lose sight of what's best for the kid. How often I want to tell the ex from hell that I do what I do for love of the boy, not for my own goddamn health and amusement and certainly not out of spite for her; she's simply not that important.

[Chronos]

Six or seven is old enough that she's making her own decisions of whom to root for. Granted, those decisions are influenced by who her parents (of all varieties) root for, but they're also influenced by whose colors she likes, who has the best mascot, who her friends root for, and maybe just possibly her opinions of how they play. And yes, I can see that watching football together can be a bonding experience, but it can be that even if the people bonding are rooting for opposite sides.

[Barkis is Willin']

Originally Posted by WOOKINPANUB

Yeah,beause a six or seven year old really grasps the game of football enough to form an opinion of a given team. Dad needs to get a grip and step dad needs to pretend like he never heard the asinine request. Not saying this applies to all situations, but this is pettiness at its smallest and ugliest.

A six or seven year old doesn't need to understand the nuances of football to have a rooting interest. They just need to know who the "good guys" are and what a touchdown is.

[Shakes]

Originally Posted by Barkis is Willin'

A six or seven year old doesn't need to understand the nuances of football to have a rooting interest. They just need to know who the "good guys" are and what a touchdown is.

Exactly. And if they're anything like my sons were when they were little; they just love a good excuse to hoot and holler like their Dad does when his team makes a touch down, interception, field goal, you name it.

[Philster]

The lesson here is up-front communication. "Fuck that" = hostility. There's an undertone to this thread of 'step vs bio' and calling things 'petty'. Argh... we perpetuate the problem.

It's so mind numbingly obvious that the adults get a giant "FAIL" when we cannot even fathom the concept that a step-dad and bio-dad could actually discuss something, which -- while seemingly mundane to some -- is a issue worth addressing (to bio-dad).

No, the issue is handled from the premise that bio-dad is a prick and/or basically unreasonable.

The whole tone and set of preconceived notions concerns me.

[Labrador Deceiver]

Originally Posted by Barkis is Willin'

A six or seven year old doesn't need to understand the nuances of football to have a rooting interest. They just need to know who the "good guys" are and what a touchdown is.

Most six or seven year olds I know absolutely do have a favorite team. Some even have whole rooms decorated, team clothes to wear, etc. On top of that, every step father I know respects the fact that their step son may have a pretty strong bond with their bio dad over such things, and they don't fuck with that.

It would really suck to be a father and to know that some other man is getting to live with your son, and having an enormous amount of influence in his life. It would probably suck even more to know that he's screwed up one of the things that you've traditionally bonded over.

"Hey buddy, you want to watch the Georgia game?"
"Nah. Just call me when the Gators come on."

Ouch.

[Barkis is Willin']

Originally Posted by Labrador Deceiver

Most six or seven year olds I know absolutely do have a favorite team. Some even have whole rooms decorated, team clothes to wear, etc.

Absolutely. When I said kids don't need to know the nuances to have a rooting interest, I didn't mean that their rooting interest couldn't be fanatical. It certainly can and probably will be.

I am well aware that it comes off as petty to a lot of people, but if my son had a (hypothetical) step father who managed to turn him into a Yankees fan, I'd be pretty upset about it.

[Labrador Deceiver]

Originally Posted by Barkis is Willin'

Absolutely. When I said kids don't need to know the nuances to have a rooting interest, I didn't mean that their rooting interest couldn't be fanatical. It certainly can and probably will be.

I am well aware that it comes off as petty to a lot of people, but if my son had a (hypothetical) step father who managed to turn him into a Yankees fan, I'd be pretty upset about it.

Ah, we're on the same page. Sorry for the confusion.

[NoClueBoy]

If it were a Broncos / Raiders type rivalry, I would have a different opinion.

No I wouldn't. BioDad sounds like he has control issues. I would ask him what it's really about.

[WOOKINPANUB]

I guess I'll just have to agree to disagree with some of you. I'm acutely aware of the nuances, pain and complexity of the bio/step/child triangle and of all the things that need to be worked out gingerly and the tongue holding (that came out wrong!), etc. This issue on its face, however, is ridiculous to me.

[Otara]

Without more detail, you cant be sure on its face who's being ridiculous though.

Step-parents have been known to play games for instance, and 'encourage' kids to like things that they know will annoy their biological parent, sports teams being a classic for this. Similarly bio parents have done things to try and make life hard for step-parents.

Then theres 'who's right' and whats best diplomatically. If its the second or third complaint like this, it might be time to set some boundaries. If its the first after some time, it might be worth taking seriously.

I also find it hard to believe sports is the only bonding opportunity for this step-parent, if so, maybe he needs to get a few more eggs in the basket options wise.

Otara

[China Guy]

All parties should try to do what's best for the kid. If one party is an irresponsible dickweed, the other still needs to do the best for the kid. Even if it's manipulative or unreasonable crap. I suck up a lot for my kids when I judge it's in their best interest.

I'm not a step parent though.

[Guinastasia]

Of course Step-Dad should honor it.








She should be rooting for the Steelers, like any other decent human being!

[biodad]

As a BIO dad who has come across this issue, I will provide you with my perspective on this.

My son is 8 years old. He is an avid sports fan. I coach all of this sports (basketball, baseball, football,). The teams that he plays for go by the same names. He and I spend hours playing and watching games and discussing our favorite players. We are avid Celtics, Red Sox and Patriotts fans. It is a big part of our father and son bond.

So, his mom has a new boyfriend whom she has been seeing for 4 months. At Christmas he bought my son a Drew Brees jerey (he is a Saints Fan). A bit confucing to my son - don;t you think. Where is his loyalty? Is he bing disloyal to Dad if he roots for the Saints ? Is he being disloyal to the new Bo if he roots for ther Pats? Why not keep it simple for him. He plays for thr Patriots. He likes Tom Brady. Maybe the best thing to do would be to respect that - and get him a Tom Brady shirt. Seems like the little guy has been put in a confusing situation. I think it is insensitive and selfish of the boyfiend.

Next episode...I buy my son a special gift for his 8th Birthday. A collection of basketball cards from a sports memorabilia shop in town. He is excited and tells his mother all about it. I return him to her on Monday. That night night, she and her boyfriend go to the exact shop and buy him more cards - only these onses are more expesive (special). In this case I find this act vnot just insensitive, but un-necessarily spiteful.

[ShelliBean]

I love some Alabama football. It's the house religion. My purse is houndstooth, our walls are decorated with the Bear, Stallings and (more recently) Saban the way some people used to have Jesus, Martin and John.

Yet every time I walk into a sports store I buy a goddamned Gator item to match whatever Alabama stuff we have. Why? Because that's who my ex-husband likes, so that's what the oldest boy gets. Oldest boy went for a long time where he didn't have much contact with Bio-Dad, and now it still isn't what it should be, but one thing that makes them allies is their deep, unabiding love for the goddamned Gators. When the boy is away from his dad he still gets a connection to him when we watch.

It's a pain in the ass getting trash talked by a 9 year old (all in jest, of course) and even worse when they win but the boyfriend and I have done it for years to support that identification he feels with his bio-dad. It's not about who gets the most fans for his team. It's more about being supportive with a "Hey game's about to come on - go call your dad and give him a Go Gators" or "Next time you see your dad you'll have to ask if he saw that pass!"

My boyfriend bonds just fine with my son over other things - things the bio-dad can't bond with the son over. Building things, going to Home Depot and looking at tools, making household decisions, whatever. Things that come up over the course of daily living. Things the bio-dad doesn't get a chance to have "pop up" on the limited time they have. So - we let the two of them have the goddamned Gators and buy two of everything: one crimson, one blue.

It would be nicer if the bio-dad could incorporate more daily life or a more varied set of interests to connect with his son, but he can't. It's up to us to nurture the relationship between them now, and sports is an easy way to do so with fathers and sons.

Hmmm - maybe I read a little too much into that?

[Dogzilla]

I think the kid should get to root for whoever the hell she wants.

[Dogzilla]

Missed the edit window:

And I'm also grateful that the guy my mom was with (closest thing to a stepdad I had) was into boxing while my dad was into motorcycles and racing. Bonded with mom's BF over boxing (which I still love) and bonded with dad over motorcycles/racing (which I still love). Win-Win.

Might I suggest the stepdad come up with some other cool sport to teach the kid about and bond over... baseball, hockey, basketball.... There's enough sports to go around, don't you think?

[Icarus]

Originally Posted by Shakes

Having dinner tonight with a friend of mine.

He tells me that his step daughter's father wants him to "Stop making her root for the (Dallas) Cowboys."

The daughter is about 6 or 7 (I think). Whatching football is a bonding activity for the Step dad and daughter.

He says he's trying (or was trying since FB is over now) to tone it down out of respect. I say he's crazy. The fathers request is laughable at best.

Snide comments about the Cowboys aside, what do you guys think?

Stepdad here - In my situation, nobody is being evil to each other, YMMV.

I have found the best way to think about it is that, as stepdad, you are NOT first in line (that's the kid) or second in line (that's the mom) or third in line (that's the dad). It's not your role to usurp a bio-parent. And don't badmouth the bio-parent - EVER.....this applies to anything they said, did, or decision they made. You don't want to be in position of having the child choose, or to appear to be turning the child away from the bio-parent. Take the high-road all the way, all the time. It's not about winning.

In terms of the OP, if the bio-dad says back off, then you back off. Is it possible the stepdad is subtly trying to one-up the father by bonding over football (fathers favorite sport)? Is it possible the stepdad is inadvertently trash-talking the fathers favorite team around the child? We don't know. But it's best not to risk it.

[handsomeharry]

Originally Posted by Labrador Deceiver

Most six or seven year olds I know absolutely do have a favorite team. Some even have whole rooms decorated, team clothes to wear, etc. On top of that, every step father I know respects the fact that their step son may have a pretty strong bond with their bio dad over such things, and they don't fuck with that.

It would really suck to be a father and to know that some other man is getting to live with your son, and having an enormous amount of influence in his life. It would probably suck even more to know that he's screwed up one of the things that you've traditionally bonded over.

"Hey buddy, you want to watch the Georgia game?"
"Nah. Just call me when the Gators come on."

Ouch.

This. What on earth is the thing with all of you people saying the bio dad is such a POS? The new guy married the mom, not the child. The new guy is a father figure, not the real father, and, unless Mom objects, should go along with the father's wishes, unless it is for something that would adversely affect the child, or the couple's relationship. Anybody that gets their underwear in a bunch over the biodad's request has more problems than the dad.

Best wishes,
hh

[handsomeharry]

Another thing: the OP says that the request was to 'stop making child...' Making?
Hmmmmm....could be more to this than we are getting. Not sticking on that, but, it seems significant to me, after reading Dogzilla's insights.
And, let's be real: Step whatever may walk at any time; Dad is dad for life.
Best wishes,
hh

[BigT]

Originally Posted by handsomeharry

This. What on earth is the thing with all of you people saying the bio dad is such a POS? The new guy married the mom, not the child. The new guy is a father figure, not the real father, and, unless Mom objects, should go along with the father's wishes, unless it is for something that would adversely affect the child, or the couple's relationship. Anybody that gets their underwear in a bunch over the biodad's request has more problems than the dad.

Best wishes,
hh

Nope. Biodad has no rights to his child while he is in the custody of Biomom. He may not have divorced the child, but he did agree to a custody agreement that grants him control half the time. If Biomom has chosen to allow Stepdad to have control while she has custody, that's her right.

Now, obviously, Biodad can make a request, but Stepdad has no requirements to follow through unless biomom requires it. Stepdad has no requirements to Biodad whatsoever.

That said, stepdad does have a requirement to the child, and that's why I'm okay with Stepdad being required to fix things if he's the one who has let the kid get away with being an asshole. Biodad has a right to protect his child from being badly parented as long as he doesn't violate custody agreements. I think most people here are assuming that Biodad is just upset that the kid likes a different team and is just blaming Stepdad unfairly*. Bonding over what team the child likes is a privilege, and even children with non-divorced parents can disagree with their parents' tastes.

*Think of the stereotypical aggressive sports fan, and combine it with someone who likely feels hurt by the existence of stepdad, and the hurt the guy feels for not being able to bond with his son over a shared team, and it's not too unlikely that biodad may have just lashed out.