Stepdad wants to know what name stepchildren should call him

This may be the wrong forum if it is feal free to change it

I am thirty five years old and recently married a wonderful woman who is also thirty five.She has two children ages five(girl) and two(boy), that I have known for about a year and a half.They have a biological father that lives four hours away and see’s them one weekend a month and six weeks in the summer. The children love him dearly.They also love me dearly and I have created a great relationship with both of them and love each as if they were my own.I have no intention of trying to replace or compete with their bio Dad,only to do the best I can in loving them and bringing them up to be the best they can be.

They have called me Brad for a year and a half and now since we are married my wife wants them to call me Dad or Daddy. I am flattered by this, but want to make sure it is the right thing to do. It will obviously hurt their biological Dad’s feelings. We have talked to the five year old girl and she wants to call me Dad the two year old is to young to understand.

I have mixed feelings on the “right thing to do” any advice? What is best for the kids?

As the kids without their mother around to get a feel for it. After all, what is comfortable for them should receive high consideration. Then again, would their mother be carrying any previous marriage ex-husband baggage?

As a step-parent, I am totally opposed to what your wife suggests. Just ask her how she is going to feel when the ex instructs the children to call his new wife ‘Mom’.

The children are young enough for you to be ‘Daddy Brad’; when they become teen-agers, they will not use it, but they will refuse to talk to you anyhow. And you will be absurdly touched when your 26 year old daughter reverts and uses the name.

As a step-child, I am totally opposed to what your wife suggests. Granted I was a few years older when my folks split and remarried, but for a short period my stepfather and mom tried to insist that we call him, the new guy, dad. I can’t even describe the distress and resentment it fostered in us… ultimately we ended up settling on a compromise of my father being “dad”, and my stepdad being “pop”. Mostly we still called him by name, unless we were sucking up to him for something :wink:

I have two step sons, 15 and 18. We were married about 4 years ago and I knew them well for about a year and have known them all their lives. Their dad lives very close and sees them every day or so. They call me Rich. At a scout event, one of the leaders didn’t like him calling me Rich, that I should be Mr. I asked him what does your son call you? Dad, of course. THen Rich will be fine.

I have been called Dad a couple of times by the youngest by accident and it is a nice feeling. I look at it as they have a Dad, I too don’t want to replace him. I like the Daddy Brad for young children, a sort of adaptation.

I also agree you should not be called Dad. It would be kind of hard on the bio Dad, as well as confusing to the kids when they try to explain it to someone else like school.

However, one thing we do is to make sure they are defined in the house like the answering machine has their last name on it as well.

Ah blended houses…the joy is worth the pain.

General Questions is for questions with factual answers. IMHO is for opinions and polls. There is no factual answer to your question, so I’m going to move this to IMHO.

Off to IMHO.

DrMatrix - GQ Moderator

I always called my stepmothers by their first names, but I was a little older when my dad got remarried and he wasn’t the custodial parent, so I didn’t have a really parent-child relationship with them.

You’re an important person in their lives in your own right, and it makes sense for them to call you something that indicates you have a special relationship. I would be careful, though, not to use the same name that they call their biological father. That should go a long way to head off any hurt feelings.

Not slamming IL or his dad, but this is a very good reason to avoid forcing ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ onto step-parents.

WSM

I have both a stepmom and a stepdad.
Stepmom has always been Pam (or when talking to my son Grammy Pammy), but it’s said with love.

My stepdad was really close to us for awhile and became Dad… then there was a falling out, a divorce and he became “Joe” or “that evil man”… well life is strange and he’s back and he’s wonderful, so now he is Dad ( my bio dad has since passed) or to my son Papa Joe

Have you tried Papa Brad?

Hope I helped!

Can you go by another “dad” name like Paps, Pop, Papi, Fa, or Da? I’m probably leaving out tons of options.

I have called my step-father Dad since I was about 14, but my bio-dad is not a part of my life (nor do I want him to be). Before I started calling him dad, I simply called him by his name. Since the children are already used to that, stick with it. If they want to call you something else, let it be something they do on their own.

Hm. What the kids are comfortable with should definitely be what they go with. Forcing children to call you “dad” could lead to some serious resentment, and not just on their fathers’ part. If it happens, and they do eventually call you “dad,” it’ll be because you’ve earned their trust and respect. And that’s what you want, right?

I was nine when my father remarried. I called his new wife Sue. She approached me one day asking me to call her mom. I told her I only had one mom and it wasn’t her.

My mother takes pride in being called mom by me. She was insulted and hurt by Sue asking that of me.

If you have a relationship where you can talk to their bio-dad, find out what he thinks about it. It’s his decision as to whether he wants to share the name with you or keep it for himself. He might not even agree to any of the other names being used either. He may feel that you are replacing him, especially with the children being so young.

Stepfather here. Even though my wife and her kids had MAJOR issues w/ bio father, I never asked or expected to be called Dad. I told them you only get ONE father. Had they wanted to call me Dad, it would have been fine, but only as their own idea. So they call me seal (no, actually my real first name, which is either Melchior or Balthazar).

Another Step-dad checking in.

My kids call me by my first name most of the time, except when we’re in social situations, and they feel like they need to establish ‘ownership’ of me- school, the mall, any other situation where i need to spend money on them…then they call me Dad.

It’s not anything I’ve ever asked of them…it’s just sort of happened over the last 6 years (3 years dating/engaged to their mom, 3 years married).
I got burned one time when i called my middle boy ‘son’ in the first couple of years (i use it as a generic ‘stupid young person’ remark) and was countered by a ‘you’re not my dad.’ he was pretty pissed, and I must confess my feelings were hurt.

So we’ve taken it pretty easy, until last year, when they both asked me if it would be okay for me to call them ‘son.’ I have to say that that was one of the better days in my life.

I am very conscious of how it might make their bio-dad feel, though. I also know the issues involved if they routinely referred to their step-mom as ‘Mom’ and what my wife’s reaction would be.

Thankfully, though, we all have a pretty good relationship, and the kids know where they stand with us.

Taking it easy and going only as fast as the kids are comfy with is your best bet.

Stepmom of seven years here… kids were 9 and 11 when Mr. Kitty and I got together. I’ve always been addressed by my first name, except at the very beginning when it was “Miss FirstName.” (southern regs, you know) When the ex-wife remarried the stepdad was also FirstName.

Normally, and especially if the bioparents are still involved, I recommend going by the first name. But since the children are so young in your case, it may be okay to use a variation of dad such as suggested above… I kinda like “Daddy Brad” as a transition.

Honestly, I have to agree with the others who think your wife is wrong in suggesting this to the children. I guarantee you she will not be so forgiving when it comes to relinquishing the title of Mom.

I was just going to ask this question as I am going to be in this situation fairly soon, it would appear. None of my divorced guy friends that have kids have anyone else in their lives so they weren’t any help on the topic.

Maybe I am oldfashioned, but I don’t like it when kids call me by my first name. Of course I come from a family who taught that is was never ok to call an adult by their firstname period.

I don’t want them to call me Mom, because I am not their mother. They Have one and she is a perfectly lovely human being most days. I do not want them to call me Deadly, but thats just my own Hangups, I also don’t want them to call me Mrs. Nightlight, because I feel that is way too impersonal. So I guess I am stuck with deadly in the long run.

When my wife and I were dating, she had a 1 year old son. I never liked the idea of kids calling adults by their first names, and still don’t. Being in the South, and kinda stolen from Charlie Brown, he always called me “Sir”. He was about 4 when his Mother and I announced our engagement, and the first thing he asked me was if he could call me “Dad”. He’s called me Dad ever since, and he’s 20 now.

I’m sure it P.O.'d his father to hear it, just as I didn’t care for it when he called his step-mom “Mom”, but if he was comfortable with it, then that’s what matters.

Now, when he says “Dad, can I borrow 20 bucks?”, I just say “Hold on, I’ll ask him” :smiley:

You don’t say anything about your relationship with the children or their ages, but could you be “MamaDeadly” like we’ve suggested for Brad?

When my oldest sibling was pregnant with the first grandchild, there was much debate on naming the grandparents. MamaKitty couldn’t be Nana, since we already had one of those. She didn’t want to be grandma, or granny, or any of those other things. Plus she had to be differentiated from the paternal GPs (of course each sibling wound up with inlaws who wanted to be something different). I finally suggested “Nona” which is Italian for grandmother, and fits perfectly with her heritage. So Nona she became. I don’t know how attached you are to your heritage, but how about a similar solution, subsituting an appropriate word for mom? Teaches the kids some language skills too. :wink:

I became a step-son (both stepfather and stepmother) when I was 13. I don’t know if it’s just due to the fact that I was coming into my own at that point, but I would have fiercely resisted calling either one of them Mom or Dad. You can still love someone and call them by their first name, in my opinion. Doesn’t say a thing about your relationship.