Someone very close to me is struggling with a difficult decision about when to tell his daughter that she is adopted. He has raised her since infancy and she is now 7. He also has a biological daughter who is 5. He has always considered his adopted daughter just as much his as he does his biological child.
We were discussing what he needs to do regarding telling her. The ex-wife doesn’t want to tell her at all, which seems wrong. He wants to tell her, but doesn’t know when to do it or how to go about it. Obviously, he’s concerned about what the information will do to her emotionally.
Has anyone been through anything like this? I thought I’d post about it on here since you guys always seem to have solid advice. Thanks!
I have not adopted, but considered doing so due to fertility problems. I had read a story about a couple who had told a little girl that she was adopted by saying that she grew in her parents’ hearts instead of her mother’s stomach. Not sure how well it would work now that the parents are divorced, though.
My sister is adopted, and we let her know from the word go that she was. It didn’t have any impact on her, because she was so young, and by the time she really knew what it meant, she had accepted it completely. For a long time when she was really young, she thought she was “a doctor”, not “adopted”! She never really had a problem dealing with it - my parents told her that they were 100% her parents, they just didn’t get her from a hospital, and that made her special.
I’d say he should let his daughter know as early as possible, and matter-of-factly - don’t make a big deal of it, just drop it into conversation casually, together with lots of supportive statements and prepared answers to any questions she might have. At seven I think she’s probably young enough to take it in her stride. Any older and it could cause difficulties.
So, she is his step daughter? Or his ex-wife gave birth to her and in the divorce dad is her legal guardian, because he adopted her while they were married?
I agree with jjimm. Tell her ASAP and treat it like a casual, normal part of life instead of a big dramatic secret.
I think it is harder for older kids to accept the news than it is for younger kids, because the older kids mgiht feel like they were misled or lied to for all those years they didn’t know.
I completely agree that sooner is much better than later. If I found out in high school that I was adopted, I would feel very betrayed.
OTOH, I knew a few adopted kids at my old church, and none of them had a problem with it, because they had known it for so long. One of them even liked to pull it out on people who commented that she looked like her sister.
I have a cousin who was adopted when she was maybe 18 months old, she was told she’d been “chosen by” (as opposed to born into) the family. I remember she went through a phase where she used to talk about her mother leaving her in an orphanage - but no one had told here where she came from at that time. She seems to be totally OK and well balanced. A girl I used to know was adopted by her grandparents and the told her straight out cold bloodedly when she was 11, she’s totally *ucked up and not a very a nice person …
Not sure if that helps, best of luck to you
My older brother and sister were adopted before I and my younger brother were born. We always knew about the adoption, and it was never treated like any big deal. I was always amazed that more families didn’t adopt. I thought everyone had an adopted sister or brother!
Once, my mom was pressed on which of her children were adopted. She said that it wasn’t important - we’re blended and we love all the children. When the point was pushed, Mom said that should couldn’t remember.
I would tell her (and her sister) soon. Explain exactly what happened in very simple terms. But be very casual about it. I’d suggest doing it while doing something else, like raking leaves or cleaning the kitchen or something like that. Be very non-chalant - that’s just the way things are. When they are older, and have more questions, be very matter-of-fact about it and that you love them both equally.
A friend of mine adopted two children before her natural daughter was born. The natural daughter always felt as if she was the one losing out, as her parents had no choice in the matter where she was concerned, whereas her siblings had been “chosen”.
My first child was placed for adoption at her birth. She has always known that she was adopted and that she was a gift to her parents. She has known who we are and that she has a little brother.
I think its the best way. She may have have trouble understanding why she was placed and not him later in life, but she will never feel that her parents have lied to her.
Being adopted, I remember being told when I was little of ‘just how special I was’ quite a bit, so I had the grasp of the situation early on.
For me it was no big deal. In fact, when my brothers would do something dorky, I could think to myself, " Hey, no worries, that’s not in my jeans. ( thinking genes, but not knowing what the difference was.) and they may be smart, but I’m funny."
Just tell in with as little fan fare and have some plans of what the response will be when she asked about her real dad.
A seriously bad idea. I have never heard of a person accidentally discovering in later life that they were adopted where the adoptee did not suffer a lot of hurt.* And it is simply not possible to guarantee that they will never find out. I know of no one who has been adopted, who has adopted, or who has worked with aoptions who believes that secrecy is a good idea.
I am sure that someone can now post with an anecdote in which the 18/35/65 year old friend or relative discovered their adoption and it never bothered them. I am not about to try to debunk any such claims. I will simply note that the overwhelming number of cases of “discovered” adoption go the wrong way.
I’d recommend introducing books with adopted characters in them, then mentioning to her afterwards that, although her mom is her birthmom, her birthdad was someone different. But that doesn’t change that he is her “forever” dad (although I hate that term, a lot of adoptive parents use it - I think it implies that I will be there forever for them, and if I die I want them to understand I’m not breaking my promise)
My son is adopted, my daughter bio (they are a year apart in age). They’ve both known forever.
In our case its easy. My son grew in his birthmom’s tummy. My daughter grew in mine. He is also Korean, so its not a secret we could have kept.
We talk alot about the number of “moms” we have. My son has three “moms” and two “grammas” (he had a foster mother as well). My poor daughter only has one mom - for which she feels cheated.
zephyrine - just an fyi, the term “natural” children is considered politically incorrect. i.e. there is nothing about my son that is “unnatural.” Although the term bio is used, and it isn’t like he is inorganic either, so don’t look for logic in these things. I just thought you might want to know that some people frown on the “natural” term.
DreadCthulhu, it’s also not fair to let someone think she knows her family medical history, when really she’s adopted, and her family’s history means nothing to her medically.
I found out when I was 6. I was thumbing through my mom’s date book and saw noted that while I was born on one day, there was a notation two months later “MissTake came home today”. When asked, mom simply stated that I was adopted, that the woman who had me chose to let me go to a family that could give me the love and support that she could not. Quite simple. She let me think on it, answered any questions that came up as honestly as she could, and purposely made it to be no big deal.
(Like has been posted above, I get a kick hearing that I look so much like my mom. When I reply “I’m adopted”, I have been told “No, you’re not”… ummm, I think I know whether I am adopted or not. My mom even slips sometimes- I was lectured about getting my cholestrol checked, as her family has a history of high cholesterol related health problems. blink Ma, you do realize you should be talking with your genetically related child, don’t you? Oh. )