Yeah, it’s from a while ago, but I read her column in spurts. Anyway, check out Jessica in South Carolina from Sep 9th.
Basically, a young woman is about to be married. She has a child (seems like from a different man) who was put up for adoption several years ago, and about whom she recieves regular photos and updates from his family. She and her fiance, in premarital counseling, agreed that they want their (hypothetical, future) children to grow up knowing about their half-brother from the get-go. Abby says that’s a bad idea. She thinks the couple should wait until the kids are older before telling them Mom had another baby.
I admit, I think they should tell them right away, as they tell stories about their own family. I think keeping it from them could just lead to horrendous trust issues later on.
I am not wildly in favor of these kinds of open adoptions, partly for this kind of reason. However, if this is the arrangment she has with the child’s family, then her kids need to know about it! I see no benefit whatsoever to hiding it until they get older. I think you are right that the kids may very well wonder what else mom & dad are hiding! Besides, it’s not like it’s anything to be ashamed of.
On the other hand, I have found that sometimes it is difficult for young children to understand about adoption. Sometimes they get afraid that they might be given away, too…this might be the kind of thing that Abby was thinking of.
That was my first thought, too. I would say that they should (sad, this is) wait until the kids have friends at school who are in mixed homes and are okay with that so they have a better idea of what it means to be in one.
Then again, I didn’t find out that my two oldest brothers were actually half-brothers until I was 14, and I turned out fine. After a fashion.
God forbid, don’t hide it. The chld will feel its a betrayal or a huge family secret.
Instead, they should share the letters with the birthparents from day one. When they get a letter or a photo, they should say - even if their children are six months old - oh, look at the nice picture of you bio-brother.
A little later you start reading stories about adoption. And you explain that “sometimes Mommies and Daddies can’t be Mommy’s and Daddy’s - and they make sure their baby will have a good Mommy and Daddy. That’s what I did when I had your bio brother, Cody. I was just not ready to be a Mommy, but Cody’s Mommy really wanted to be a Mommy. Then, when I met your Daddy and we were ready, we decided that we were ready to have a baby that we could be a Mommy and Daddy to.”
That’s what I’m thinking, Dangerosa. If it’s always in a kid’s life, even as you say, when they’re infants, then it’s not “weird”.
I’m actually considering writing something to Dear Abby on this one, but I wanted to see if there were any facets I hadn’t considered first. Sarahfeena’s idea about “what if they give me away, too?” is not without merit, 'though I think it could be averted by discussing it openly and honestly.
Well count me in the camp of not telling the kids until they are older… not like 13… but maybe school age once they get a better sense of the world.
I think it is just confusing for kids because not all children can easily grasp the rather complex issues that would come up from that situation.
The already mentioned “am I going to be given away?” question first of all. Then there’s things like: What is his family like? Why doesn’t he come visit? Who is his daddy? Why isn’t he around? Is my daddy my daddy?
A child doesn’t know what a “bio brother” is and it’s bizarre to expect a small child to understand that.
A baby doesn’t know what “juice” is. They have to understand everything. And the complicated things are easier to understand if they’ve always known bits of it.
My son is adopted. If you handle it right, that’s just the way it is. Adopted kids face all those issues “what if YOU give me away,” “why was I given away” “do I have bio siblings” “who is my birthdad, you know my birthmom” and all sorts of other questions. They really aren’t all that tramatic if they are handled matter of fact as they arise - and if you’ve been open about it from day one, they talk to you about it. I can’t imagine the situation being that different if you are in a family with a sibling that was raised seperately.
I vote to include them in the information from the beginning. While I understand the “Will someone give me away too?” issue, I suspect that that can be handled whereas figuring out the “right” time to break the news always results in the news being delayed too long. I also agree that if the earlier child ever encountered the family before the information was broached, that child would feel betrayed as some sort of shameful secret.
Regarding the question of giving away kids: some sort of explanation that mom could not care for the first kid because she was alone at the time (so she found a family who could care for him) and that as a family the current sib group was not in danger of being “sent away” would seem to be a possible approach.
Tell them from the beginning. If kids can understand step-families, and inlaws, and that Jacob has two daddies, and that Emma lives with her grandma then they can understand open adoption.
Actually kids can understand almost anything so long as it is presented in a way that is age-appropriate and reasonable.
I would probably present it more as a surrogate situation: “This lady couldn’t have her baby herself so mommy had her baby for her. We love that baby too, and like to know how she’s doing”.
It gives the impression that this baby always belonged to that family, just like the other kid belongs with HIS family. No one was ever “given away”. Figuring out that the situation was probably more complicated than that will happen in its own time.
I always get a little nervous with that approach - as well as the “afford to have” approach. While I intend to stay married to Brainiac4 for a very long time, shit happens - divorce or death. I wouldn’t want a seven year old to put together “now Mom will give me away” if the “family” doesn’t stay intact. Also leads to questions because by the time they are four they know single parents. So I prefer “ready.”
(I know a lot of adoptive parents use this “family” approach - most with a lot of success).
One grandfather who was adopted (his mother divorced and remarried) - one who was widowed and married my great aunt, making for three sets of great greatparents on my side, one who was actually their great grandmother’s sister (most had passed away before they were born).
Divorced parents on my husband’s side - making for two sets of grandparents on that side, including a great grandmother by marriage who never had any of her own grandchildren and loved getting great grandchildren in her later years.
Two aunts on my side, one who they’ve only seen three times in eight years.
One uncle on my husbands side - who has been married and divorced during their lifetimes and has had several girlfriends… One not-an-aunt who my mother in law placed for adoption forty odd years ago and reunited with when my husband was a pre-teen (and dropped her existence on both her sons at that point, which was not good). Her adopted son.
I vote to tell them right away. I found out when I was 14, and it was horribly traumatic. Of course it depends on how the family deals with it, but I know I would have preferred to know early on.
My husband’s aunt adopted his mother’s first two girls when they were small, because she wasn’t emotionally ready to care for them. It was kept as a big secret in my husband’s family and caused a lot of resentment on both sides. My husband resented being kept in the dark for so long and the girls felt doubly abandoned by their birth mother. Everybody is on reasonably friendly terms now, but I wonder how it would be if my husband’s mother were still alive.