In a book I just started, a 14 year old gives her daughter up for adoption. Five years later she gets married. Twenty or so years later she has a 18 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. At no time has she told anyone about the adoption except for her two childhood friends.
Of course, on her 40th birthday she gets a card from adopted daughter wanting to meet. Naturally, bad things happen.
If you were in the same situation, who would you tell? I’m a guy, but I would expect my wife to have told me, probably before we were married. It’s not like giving up a child for adoption should be something to be ashamed about. My wife, who has an adopted son from her first marriage, agrees with me.
I wouldn’t tell anyone ever except possibly in a case where I thought they needed the benefit of my experience. I don’t owe my personal history to anyone.
When you say she’s told nobody, does that mean outside her immediate family and whomever is handling the legal details, etc? Presumably a parent or guardian would have to know, if this were done legally, since she was a minor. And what about the baby’s father? How old was he, and did his parents know?
“Giving up for adoption” sounds a lot different from “dropped newborn off at no-questions-asked drop station.”
The book is probably talking about the typical legal adoption route that goes on all the time in the US. 100 years ago leaving it at the nunnery would have been the way to bet, but not nowadays. At least not in countries with significant functional administrative systems.
My wife (now ex) told me. Before we were married. Very few people knew, but her mother and sisters did, obviously. She told our kids when she started looking for the person (this was at least 20-25 years after the adoption,(I don’t recall exactly), they were teenagers. She found her child, and and my kids now have a pretty good relationship with their older half-sibling.
I can’t imagine not telling an SO. That’d be one weird-ass relationship if I kept something like that a secret. And why would I? It would be painful, not shameful. I’d also tell close friends, should the topic arise. And my doctor would know I’d had the pregnancy because doctors routinely ask us women how many pregnancies we’ve had and how many live births.
And of course I’d have told my immediate family (though if I didn’t, they’d figure it out pretty fast) and the attorney who handled the adoption.
Also, since this is 2021 and not 1921, other people would know, too: we generally don’t send teens to homes for unwed mothers or ship them off to aunts in distant cities these days. Note that in the book in the OP, the woman is 40. Even back in 1980, teen pregnancies were seldom hidden, as they had been 10 years earlier. And today 60-70% of adoptions are open adoptions. It’s on the verge of becoming an outmoded plot device.
Of course, there are still young women who try to hide their pregnancies, but in my experience (25 years teaching teens), they’re very seldom able to do so the entire pregnancy.
I guess I didn’t take into account that you would be a serial felon. One point for you.
Her parents knew, forced her into the adoption, now won’t have anything to do with her. Father was a wannabe low level criminal, 21 at the time. I don’t think he even knows about the baby.
See, that’s one of those little secrets you just know is going to slip out one day kind of accidentally. Best to tell her early so she can figure out how to launder the money. A busy criminal wife is a happy criminal wife.
It’s in England actually. Yes, formal adoption to parents who will take excellent care of the child etc, but instead ended up in a series of foster homes.
This, to me, seems like the best way to handle it.
Yes, much better to tell upfront than to have a sister who is mad at you spill it to your spouse after 20 years of marriage.
I was the girl. Pregnant and 16, surrendering my child for adoption.
On my second day in the hospital two Drs appeared, drew the curtain around my bed, and began asking questions, how I was doing. I had delivered via C section, they checked the wound etc. But clearly they wanted to say something, and began to stray into other topics like similar abdominal incisions and procedures. They were talking to each other, then looking at me expectantly. I had no clue what they were on about. The the woman said something about, ‘One day you’ll be getting married…’ and I got it! They were teaching me a believable lie so I could keep this secret from any future partner!
I could just manage to stutter out …’What?’ Then very bluntly, with utter disbelief, I asked them if they really were suggesting I carry this weight as a ‘dark secret’ the rest of my life? And also seem to think I’m going to marry, and spend my life with, someone I can’t share such a thing with? I made no attempt to hide that I didn’t have time for this childish shit!
I stared at them, they stared at me. Then they both started sputtering and beat a very hasty retreat.
I cannot explain to you the weight I was already carrying. It WAS the weight of the world. I was only a child, but charged with making a very adult decision, that would change several lives. Forever. A decision that could not be undone. A decision I would live with all my life. A decision that would change everything, and unpopular with the wildly dysfunctional beings that made up my family.
I would never keep this from a spouse, that’s a really bad idea for everybody I think!
Thanks for the first person account elbows, what a difficult decision at a difficult age. Luckily, this is out in the open so much more now. I can’t imagine having to keep such a major event in your life secret from people close to you.
Maybe for someone ensconced in the middle class. I have a feeling many on the edge of society think “give up for adoption” should include as few interviews as possible.
My niece who lives nearby is a foster Mom. She been at least a temporary Mom to several kids from very rough and deprived backgrounds. Those parents, dysfunctional and/or underaged though they were/are, ended up enmeshed in “the system”. To the benefit of their child. Sometimes the kids eventually went back to some bio-relative if not the parent; other times they ended up in an adoption. And some she still has that we’ll be providing Easter dinner for this weekend.
Let me be clear: I was not saying they would be less feeling towards their babies. You are describing women who wanted to stay connected.
I am talking about a mom who wanted to completely give up her child. Someone on the poorer end would want less paperwork and officialdom in general. That’s all I’m saying.
Thanks for telling us that. And frankly, you really made me realize I regret my first answer. I am a guy who likes to keep some things personal but this thing is an important thing to share with your life partner.
