The Straight Dope Lounge (a modern "colossal cave adventure" game)

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You awaken in a strange room. There is a door to the north labeled "EXIT." There is a door to the south labeled "Straight Dope." There is a door on the east wall labeled "Staff Only."

There is a desk in the southeast corner with a large guestbook. A desk in the southwest corner has a sign saying "register here," and a friendly-looking receptionist sits behind the desk with a pile of registration forms. A stand next to the staff door holds a shiny polished tuba, a well-worn souzaphone, and a scrawny turkey costume.

The west wall has a collection of couches and comfy chairs (you are on one of the couches). A steady stream of people are passing through the room and signing the guestbook.

>

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

(Just to show how this works)

> Examine registration desk

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You walk over to the registration desk. In addition to the stacks of triplicate registration forms, it has a very large book labeled "members," plus some assorted office supplies. The receptionist looks at you and says, "Welcome back!"

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

> Make Thief Sign

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You spot the thief, who was crouched in the shadows in the corner. You grab him by the scruff of the next and force him to sign a registration form. A notice briefly flashes on a hitherto unnoticed sign above the door saying, "Newest user: PissedOffThief27."

>

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

Take turkey costume

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

The staff door opens just far enough for you to see a wizened man with gray hair. He is wearing an artist's smock stained with ink. He slugs you on the arm and says, "that's mine." He holds out his hand.

>

[Wargamer]

Give Thief

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You grab the thief (who's really starting to get annoyed) and shove him toward the open hand of the wizened man. The man seizes the thief, gives you a puzzled look, then pulls the thief into the staff room and closes the door, leaving you holding the turkey costume.

>

[Oakminster]

Sign Registration form

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

The receptionist says, "You don't need to register, sir. We already know you. You can just sign the guest book and enter."

>

[Malacandra]

> xyzzy

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

There is a thunderclap and a blinding flash of light. When you can see again, you find yourself in a large, smoky, round, and rather warm room. There are small fires everywhere, and no visible doors. A perilous staircase winds around the walls, going upward into the gloom.

All around the room, people are shouting insults at each other. Whenever someone utters a particularly creative insult, others rush over to offer congratulations, sometimes even running down the stairs to do so.

Two men sit in the middle of the room wearing jackboots, name tags, wry smirks, and little else. They are holding large hammers. Due to the smoke and bad lighting, you can't read their name tags from where you are.

>

[Doctor]

Climb stairs.

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You proceed up the stairs, ignoring the whispers ("another scaredy-cat lurker"). As you climb, the rough-hewn rock gives way to more smooth and polished stone, handrails appear, and you eventually find yourself on a balcony with granite floor and marble walls.

Over the railing on the south side of the balcony, you can see into the Pit below, but your view is obscured by the smoke. Looking across the room to the south wall, you see a large glowing inscription that says, "Abandon civility all ye who enter here." There is a door on the west side of the balcony. On the north, a notice is posted on the wall. On the south is a staircase going down, winding around the walls of the room.

[Doctor]

Read notice.

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

The notice says,

• ATTENTION TROLLS:
  The only reason the floors below are not littered with the dead and dying bodies of your fellow trolls is that we prefer to make your type disappear without a trace.

You are on a balcony with granite floor and marble walls.

Over the railing on the south side of the balcony, you can see into the Pit below, but your view is obscured by the smoke. Looking across the room to the south wall, you see a large glowing inscription that says, "Abandon civility all ye who enter here." There is a door on the west side of the balcony. On the north, a notice is posted on the wall. On the south is a staircase going down, winding around the walls of the room.

[twickster]

Go through door on west side.

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You are in a long north-south hallway, bustling with activity. The east side of the hallway is full of doors, each with a small brass sign on the wall to the left of the door. There is a plaque in the middle of the west wall. At the far north end is a door with a lit sign above it saying "EXIT."

>

[Inner Stickler]

>examine plaque

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

You see a plaque with a fuzzy (almost unrecognizable) photo of a man in jackboots. Underneath it are the words

To Manhatten: He WAS the f---ing hall monitor

You are in a long north-south hallway, bustling with activity. The east side of the hallway is full of doors, each with a small brass sign on the wall to the left of the door. There is a plaque in the middle of the west wall. At the far north end is a door with a lit sign above it saying "EXIT."

>

[Mahaloth]

Read plaque.

[Inner Stickler]

>gnaw on plaque

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Originally Posted by Mahaloth

Read plaque.

You being re-reading the plaque, which looks like it says the same thing it said a moment ago. Looking carefully at the sixth word, you --

Originally Posted by Inner Stickler

>gnaw on plaque

--stop reading and attempt to chew the plaque. It is, however, flat against the wall, and you can't really get your teeth around the edges.

You are in a long north-south hallway, bustling with activity. The east side of the hallway is full of doors, each with a small brass sign on the wall to the left of the door. There is a plaque in the middle of the west wall. At the far north end is a door with a lit sign above it saying "EXIT."

>

[Inner Stickler]

ugh fine

>read the small brass signs

[Jragon]

> inventory

[Oakminster]

> sign guestbook

> open south door

[Trepa Mayfield]

>Begin telling story about three hard-boiled detectives in a vaguely prohibition-style office...

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Originally Posted by Inner Stickler

ugh fine

>read the small brass signs

You begin at the north end of the hallway. The first door on the east reads, "Game Room." The second door ---

Originally Posted by Jragon

> inventory

-- You are carrying a 14-year-old thesaurus, a copy of the third Straight Dope book, an MP3 player which is currently playing --

Originally Posted by Oakminster

> sign guestbook

> open south door

-- There is no guestbook to sign in this hallway.

There is no door at the south --

Originally Posted by pedescribe

>Begin telling story about three hard-boiled detectives in a vaguely prohibition-style office...

-- You are not in one of the rooms. You cannot tell a story here.

[Trepa Mayfield]

>Exit Hallway

>Bungee jump into pit

[Inner Stickler]

>Grow wings

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Originally Posted by pedescribe

>Exit Hallway

You stare up and down the hallway, trying to decide which door would be the "exit." You notice the big EXIT sign over the door at the end of the hall and walk through it.

You awaken in a strange room. There is a door to the north labeled "EXIT." There is a door to the south labeled "Straight Dope." There is a door on the east wall labeled "Staff Only."

There is a desk in the southeast corner with a large guestbook. A desk in the southwest corner has a sign saying "register here," and a friendly-looking receptionist sits behind the desk with a pile of registration forms. A stand next to the staff door holds a shiny polished tuba, and a well-worn sousaphone.

Originally Posted by pedescribe

>Bungee jump into pit

There is no pit here.

Originally Posted by Inner Stickler

>Grow wings

You feel an itching sensation on your upper back. As the feeling intensifies, it seems that the muscles along your shoulder blades are about to burst through your skin. You fall to your knees and rip off your shirt (looking nothing like a soccer player, by the way) just as two stubby wings erupt from your back. Each wing has several downy feathers on it.

The receptionist raises an eyebrow at you.

>

[Doctor]

Enter Straight Dope

Enter MPSIMS

[Prox]

>Pontificate

[Trepa Mayfield]

>Tattoo"Join Date" in left hand and "location" in right hand. Tattoo a funny picture on your chest

[Inner Stickler]

>ask the receptionist out on a date

[gryx00]

>Chew on thesaurus in inventory

[Malacandra]

Originally Posted by Doctor

Enter Straight Dope

Enter MPSIMS

> Enter "The Game Room"

> Open thread "The Straight Dope Lounge"

[Inner Stickler]

Malacandra, if you make the whole thing crash, I'm going to be so put out with you.

[Malacandra]

There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say:

"There are two types of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Originally Posted by Doctor

Enter Straight Dope

You are in a long north-south hallway, bustling with activity. The east side of the hallway is full of doors, each with a small brass sign on the wall to the left of the door. There is a plaque in the middle of the west wall. At the far north end is a door with a lit sign above it saying "EXIT."

>

Originally Posted by Doctor

Enter MPSIMS

You are in a large mundane room. I would describe it, but that would be pointless.

>

Originally Posted by Prox

>Pontificate

As you begin speaking, a crowd starts to gather. You hold them rapt with your wittiness and the depth of your knowledge. Fourteen people inform you that they find your views fascinating and they wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Six correct your spelling. Eight disagree vehemently. Three complain that you didn't bring pictures of your cat. Two complain that you let your cats outdoors. Four complain that you're wearing your shoes in the MPSIMS room. One professes undying love.

>

Originally Posted by pedescribe

>Tattoo"Join Date" in left hand and "location" in right hand. Tattoo a funny picture on your chest

You have no tattoo equipment, but find a Sharpie (TM) in your pocket. You write on your hands.

>

Originally Posted by Inner Stickler

>ask the receptionist out on a date

There is no receptionist in MPSIMS.

>

Originally Posted by gryx00

>Chew on thesaurus in inventory

You find the thesaurus tasteless, bland, monotonous, weak, unexciting, insipid, and dull as dishwater.

>

[Jragon]

> Inspect mundane and/or pointless objects.

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Originally Posted by Malacandra

> Enter "The Game Room"

You move through the southernmost door on the east wall of the hallway.

You are in a gigantic room. The north wall is a mosaic of flat-panel wide-screen TV sets, showing every sport from curling to NASCAR. People are standing three deep in front of the screens, many holding clipboards. They are analyzing--and arguing about--every aspect of the games.

A very long counter runs the full length of the south wall. There are power outlets behind the counter every 6 inches, and the counter is loaded with every imaginable model of computer and videogame console. The wall above the counter is full of shelves holding monitors, TV sets, and other displays. People are playing and analyzing--and arguing about--WoW, Final Fantasy, Zork Grand Inquisitor, GTA, Pong, MineSweeper, D&D Online, Bejeweled, and almost any other fantasy game you've ever heard of.

On the west wall are a series of daises, each with a person standing on it. They have labels like Feud and Mafia.

The center of the room is full of tables at which people are seated playing chess, Mahjong, strategy board games, CCGs, TCGs, poker, and more.

>

Originally Posted by Malacandra

Open thread "The Straight Dope Lounge"

I don't know how to open thread "The Straight Dope Lounge"

>

Originally Posted by Inner Stickler

Malacandra, if you make the whole thing crash, I'm going to be so put out with you.

I don't know how to be so put out with you.

>

Originally Posted by Jragon

> Inspect mundane and/or pointless objects.

All of the mundane and/or pointless objects in this room have been moved to MPSIMS by moderators.

>

[Jragon]

> Start thread about the glorious PC Gaming Master Race and their clear superiority above the Dirty Console Playing Lowlives

[Inner Stickler]

>talk to the person on the dais labeled Mafia

[Autolycus]

>masturbate like a motherfuck.

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

>

Originally Posted by Jragon

Start thread about the glorious PC Gaming Master Race and their clear superiority above the Dirty Console Playing Lowlives

You leap onto a table and declare that the PC Gaming Master race is clearly and obviously superior to --

>

Originally Posted by Inner Stickler

talk to the person on the dais labeled Mafia

-- no, wait. You jump from the table and run across the room to the west wall. You approach the dais labeled Mafia and say, "Excuse me, but --

>

Originally Posted by Autolycus

>masturbate like a motherfuck.

-- you drop your pants, settle into a comfortable position, and grab your --

A pleasantly-dressed woman with jackboots (smelling faintly of hot dogs) ((the woman, not the jackboots)) steps in front of you. Looking carefully into your eyes, and not one centimeter lower, she suggests that you might not be in the correct room for that particular behavior. She makes a note on a clipboard and walks away.

>

[Prox]

>search for mafia

[Autolycus]

>13 k of g in an f p d

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Originally Posted by Prox

>search for mafia

With your pants now pulled up and fastened firmly, you look around carefully. You see "MAFIA" on the dais in front of you. That was easy.

Originally Posted by Autolycus

>13 k of g in an f p d

I'm sorry, it does not appear that your f p d can hold any more than 9 k of g. Perhaps you need a larger f p d?

As you ponder this question, a burly man approaches you. He has unruly red hair and an enormous beard to match. A bandana is wrapped around his head, and a parrot is riding on his shoulder. He has a heavy coat over a blousy white cotton shirt with ruffles. His pants are torn, he is barefoot, and he smells bad. He leans in close to you and says, "would ye like to play a game?"

>