Annoyed with daughter over missed trip to Europe

[Ca3799]

OK - just venting and rolling a couple of ideas around...

My daughter is 15 and in 9th grade. She is awesome, smart, funny, shy, messy, disorganized, cautious and a bit of a slacker. She is also very frugal and doesn't ask for much or like to think she is putting her dad or I out. We joke that when she opens her wallet, moths fly out. She always hits the sale rack first when shopping. She takes all AP or Pre-AP classes, track, Latin and orchestra.

That doesn't sound like the schedule of a slacker, I know. She is a slacker in that she is lazy about homework and often turns papers in late, which affects her grades. Her binders and her room are a mess. She's like Pig Pen- the Charlie Brown character that leaves a trail of mess behind him where ever he goes. She turns in papers late, I think, because she is shy and doesn't like to approach teachers about missed or late work.

Her school takes a lot of trips- one big one every year. I only sent her on the 5th grade DC trip and skipped the China, Egypt and the Yucatan trips. This year's summer trip in London, Paris, Rome- 10 days, $2700.00. She said she wanted to go, so I saved money all year. I told her it seemed like a good value. It covered round trip air fair, transfers, hotel, some guided tours and two meals a day. Plus, afterward, the kids can take a test and write an essay and get college credit!

I specifically told her it was not a hardship and saved money all year for the trip, keeping her updated occasionally about the savings plan. I offered to go with her.. or not- her choice. She even cracked open her cobweb-covered wallet and bought a digital camera a while back in anticipation of this trip.

Lately, I've been asking her "Have your heard anything about the trip?" "Do you have a handout about that trip?" and "Isn't there supposed to be a parent meeting about that trip right about now?" She always replied " I haven't heard anything" and "I don't know."

So I emailed the teacher yesterday and found out she has missed the trip registration deadline. Plus her grade in that class is only a 60 and you have to be passing to go. I'm sure she will bring the grade up before school is out- she always does. She could still go but there will be a $300.00 late registration fee.

But I'm feeling disinclined to send her on this trip.

It seems that if it was really important to her, she would have done something about it like bring me the information sheets. It's not like I didn't ask. I can't believe it was not discussed in class at least a couple of times. How could she not have known about the registration deadline? And, the late fee would have been the bulk of her spending cash (which I could easily replace).

I told her last night that she had missed the deadline and her face turned red. She said "But we told them I wanted to go."

My feelings are that
1) I hate her to miss this opportunity
2) I hate paying a late fee
3) She slacked
4) I don't want to 'bail her out' or fix things for her
5) If she really wanted to go, she should have taken action
6) Not going is the natural consequence of her inaction
7) It's a luxury
8) There's always next year (London only)..and
9) I sure hate for her to miss this fun and educational trip
10) Her grade is bad

So, I told her to talk to her teacher about it today. Maybe she can't because today is a test day. Maybe she won't because she avoids talking to teachers.

Perhaps I wanted her to go more than she did. I can't tell if she just wasn't really all that hot about the trip or she missed the deadline because...well, why.

[Isamu]

It's a wonderful opportunity and reasonably priced. You are (sound like) an awesome parent.

Maybe you can make a deal with her (while also gauging how much she really wants to go) by telling her you'll pay the late registration fee if she agrees to pick all her grades up by the end of the year?

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Tough one!

Bailing out your kid every now and again is ok. That's what parents are for- to be that safety net for your kids. Clearly, you wouldn't want to bail your kids out all the time such that it becomes expected and personal skills aren't developed.

She's 15 and a bit scattered and clueless. As a mom of a 16 YO 10th grader, it's pretty expected. SO you have to ask yourself this question:

Will she benefit more from successfully going on the trip: budgeting money, having to meet deadlines (like where to meet up with the group, being ready in the morning for a group tour), independence, exposure to other countries etc than should would from the lesson of losing the trip?

Only you can answer that for your child and your family, but it's a fair question to ask. If you choose to say yes and send her, be assured that bailing her out and facilitating her going on this trip won't send your daughter down a path of ruin and irresponsibility. That comes from a pattern of parenting over a young lifetime, not from any one decision.

[Grey]

Learn now or learn later. Basically she procrastinated and then felt guilty either about not knowing or having missed the registration deadline. She seems to have secretly hoped someone else would flag the problem so she could avoid bringing it up and disappointing you.

Bad habits and definitely not ones you'd want to reward. Besides it isn't as if there wont be a great trip next year that you already have cash for.

[Sarahfeena]

Your daughter sounds a bit like me, and I suspect that I have ADD, though I haven't been diagnosed. I am disorganized and miss deadlines. I had trouble turning in homework on time, and it affected my grades. I have no idea if your daughter has an issue like ADD, but I would caution you a bit about referring to her as a slacker. I was often chided for "not caring" about my work, or being flaky, and neither of those things were true at all...I was actually fairly serious about things, but I just have a problem with schedules and organization. I have worked out a lot of coping strategies over the years, but I wish wish wish these issues had been recognized in those days, so that adults would have helped me figure that stuff out, vs. just riding me when I would forget stuff. Riding me about it was not helpful in the least.

I've been reading a bit about this lately because my niece is your daughter's age and was just diagnosed. She had a rough time in grammar school and especially middle school, because although she's a bright kid, it's tough to be successful in the later grades if you can't concentrate on homework and studying.

So...I'm just saying that I understand the annoyance (believe me, I'm constantly annoyed with myself), but I'm not sure about making her miss the trip. Maybe you could make her pay the late fee, as that is also a natural consequence of missing the deadline. And then try to figure out if there's some way that you could help her get organized so that she does better with deadlines. That's way more important in the long run than this one trip.

[Peremensoe]

Originally Posted by Isamu

Maybe you can make a deal with her (while also gauging how much she really wants to go) by telling her you'll pay the late registration fee if she agrees to pick all her grades up by the end of the year?

That's an awfully generous "deal" coming on top of the original trip cost. Bringing up the grade is a prerequisite for going on the trip in any circumstances, and shouldn't she be doing that even if she wasn't to go?

[BigT]

IF someone has that low a grade in an AP or pre AP class, then they aren't ready for the class. Why hasn't she been pulled out of them? I don't even mean by you. I got forcibly dropped out of my English class when I didn't know about the summer reading requirements and thus did poorly for the first half of the first quarter. My grade was automatically jumped up a letter point, I got specialized help to get me caught up, and I wound up with an A in the regular class from a D in the AP class.

As for me, I'm favoring the consequences look. But do remember that, if you were in this same situation, you would have a $300 remedy. So she should get one, too. Make her pay the $300 in some way, by earning it somehow or something. Or give her a punishment that fits $300 worth that she can opt out of if she doesn't want to go.

Making the consequences worse than real life though really should not be in the cards, in my opinion.

And maybe throw in a "If you just told me that your forgot, we might have worked something more favorable out. The teacher may have even let the $300 slide if you told me soon enough."

[jjimm]

Weigh up the seriousness of the offence against the value of the trip, and again the pain and envy she will feel when her classmates return with their stories of exotica.

IMO, foreign travel for the young is such a valuable thing, it seems a shame for her to miss this opportunity on a disciplinary matter. I would pay, grudgingly, then get her to pay you back in instalments over a long time on her return. That way she gets a lesson in responsibility but still gets to experience other ways of living before she becomes set in her ways.

[stpauler]

The one thing I'm missing is having a real heart-to-heart with her and asking her if she really wants to go.

She's fifteen and she's getting to that awkward age of still being sheltered by the parents and also wanting to do her own thing. When I was with my ex (who has three children) one thing I did was always check the grades online on a regular basis. I would know whether an assignment was completed and turned on time or not and each one had to be explained. She quickly grew tired of having to explain why things were being turned in late (as her excuses were always shot down as being invalid) and she began turning assignments in on time.

Too be a bit direct, I'm surprised that as a parent you didn't have more notice about this trip and know when payments and permission slips are due.

[you with the face]

I say either make her pay the late registration fee or tell her that she can't go until next year. The last option actually seems best to me.

Sometimes I'm clueless about logistic details, so I sympathize with her overlooking the registration deadline. But her grades in that class suck. This suggests that not only was she clueless about the registration deadline but also the grade criteria for trip eligibility. Maybe she'll pull up her grade at the last minute (to what, a D or C?), but she should've been giving it her best a long time ago. Allowing her to go on this trip if she manages the Herculean feat of barely passing this class seems like a good way to reward a sloppy pattern of behavior that could hold her back in life.

Denying her the trip this year might just snap her into improving her organization skills and tackle her procastination habit. She'll be unhappy, but it's not as though she wouldn't have herself to blame.

[ugly ripe tomato]

I can say what my mother's reaction would have been if this were me, and your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age.

A failing grade in ANY class would have been the dealbreaker (keeping in mind that my mother was a real hardass about grades - promising to bring it up at the end of year would be Unnacceptable.) If I couldn't be bothered to do the coursework I wasn't mature enough to go on a trip to Europe.

Without the failing grade, if I lied about not getting any info/missed the deadline she would NOT have paid the late fee; if I still wanted to go I'd have to find some way of making up the difference myself. If I couldn't, no trip for me, QED.

At the time I hated my mother for being such a dragon about school stuff, but it learned me the hard way that there were consequences for being a scatterbrain and I was hurting no one but myself by it.

[Markxxx]

It sounds like the mother, not the daughter wants to go. Save up some more money, and the MOTHER should go on the trip and leave the kid home.

[Ruby]

Eh, I vote for either saving the $2700 for next years trip or spending it on a class to teach your daughter how to be organized. The latter will benefit her for her entire life.

She may or may not have wanted to go. Her failing grade made it impossible so her response is to put the trip (and you) on ignore when asked. Not mature but very typical for 15 years old.

There's a whole lot of teenage dynamics going on here that are considered "normal" but very frustrating for parents. My stepson was labeled "gifted and talented"while in grade school. He was very smart but extremely disorganized. Unfortunately, he struggled through high school because he never learned those organization skills. What fascinated me was that often he would take the time to DO the homework and then never turn it it. WTF? He apparently figured it out because he ultimately graduated from one of the best private engineering school in the country and has a successful career now (although he's still a bit of an airhead - think Absent Minded Professor).

My unsolicited advice is to sit down with your daughter and talk about the underlying problems and not focus on the trip. Good luck.

[Foxy40]

Trip of a lifetime or a lesson that may or may not make a difference in what seems to be her personality.

No brainer to me. Let her go if she can get the grade up.

[Living Well Is Best Revenge]

I would let her go if she pays the late fee herself. Otherwise, no go. She can go next year. That is if she even wants to go. She might have sabotaged it on purpose. If that's the case, there are some underlying issues at play here.

By the way, you are a great parent!

[pbbth]

Originally Posted by Markxxx

It sounds like the mother, not the daughter wants to go. Save up some more money, and the MOTHER should go on the trip and leave the kid home.

Actually, this isn't a bad idea. You worked to save money for this trip the whole year, why shouldn't you get to go? Or if you don't go on the trip buy yourself something that you had been wanting but putting off getting (my fantasy right now is having a jacuzzi tub installed in my bathroom but YMMV) since you were the one who put in all the effort of setting the funds aside to a luxury purchase. Showing your daughter that hard work pays off and slacking earns you bupkis might really encourage her to pick up her grades and focus on the trip if she wants to go next year.

[Bootis]

You didn't say if she has a lot of friends at school, or is outgoing, or shy, or whatever. If it was me, and I was 15, and didn't have any of my few good friends going on the trip, but found out that a few people who were particularly asshole-ish were going, I sure as hell would end up not wanting to go, as well as not wanting to explain why to my parents. I'd just ignore things like signup deadlines and feel stupid about it, and probably lose interest in the class and my grade would drop to a 60... so, that could be a possibily too.

[Renee]

I went on a similar trip to Italy my junior year of high school, and it literally changed my life. It made me see the world in a completely different way, and after that trip I saved every penny until I graduated high school and backpacked alone through Europe for two months leaving the day after I graduated. It was amazing. I think she should go, if she can.

But not this year. She has a 60? I would have been grounded from everything with a grade like that, certainly not sent to Europe, and rightly so, in my opinion. That's ridiculous. And she missed the deadline? Honestly it doesn't sound like she's particularly motivated to go. She has a few more years of high school, and I think she'd probably get more out of such a trip when she's a bit older and more together. Save the money for next time; she needs to learn that you can't just expect everything to fall into place with no effort at all on your part.

[Ca3799]

Thanks for your advice and opinions everyone.

[bump]

Originally Posted by Ca3799

My feelings are that
1) I hate her to miss this opportunity
2) I hate paying a late fee
3) She slacked
4) I don't want to 'bail her out' or fix things for her
5) If she really wanted to go, she should have taken action
6) Not going is the natural consequence of her inaction
7) It's a luxury
8) There's always next year (London only)..and
9) I sure hate for her to miss this fun and educational trip
10) Her grade is bad

So, I told her to talk to her teacher about it today. Maybe she can't because today is a test day. Maybe she won't because she avoids talking to teachers.

Perhaps I wanted her to go more than she did. I can't tell if she just wasn't really all that hot about the trip or she missed the deadline because...well, why.

My vote would be that she screwed around, she should pay any late fees out of her own pocket. If she doesn't get her act together on that or can't scrounge up the cash, then she flat out doesn't go.

Actions (and lack thereof) have consequences. If you bail her out on this, she won't learn the lesson not to slack.

Whoever suggested bribing her with the trip to bring her grades up has it all wrong- that sends all the wrong messages to her.

My parents would have made the trip contingent on me having good grades (i.e. A's and B's), and if I somehow blew it after they'd paid, they'd have made me pay them back.

I guarantee that if she misses the trip because she slacked off, she'll think twice in the future if it's something she cares about.

[Bootis]

Originally Posted by bump

I guarantee that if she misses the trip because she slacked off, she'll think twice in the future if it's something she cares about.

Maybe, though I still think it sounds like something happened that made her not really want to take the trip anymore.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Originally Posted by ugly ripe tomato

I can say what my mother's reaction would have been if this were me, and your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age.

A failing grade in ANY class would have been the dealbreaker (keeping in mind that my mother was a real hardass about grades - promising to bring it up at the end of year would be Unnacceptable.) If I couldn't be bothered to do the coursework I wasn't mature enough to go on a trip to Europe.

One thing to add, for my scattered son it was his trip to Costa Rica over the summer between 9th and 10th grades that changed things around for him. He had to be independent and he got a taste of individual freedom and the responsibility that came with it and it caused him to mature. He put into practice all the life lesson we had tried to teach him.

He was mature on many other levels- good with money, emotionally independent etc, but very disorganized and scattered and trouble getting excited about school. The trip changed everything for him. He became passionate about photography and is now on the school newspaper etc.

[kathmandu]

I agree with Bootis. It kind of sounds that she doesn't really want to go, and has taken the path of least resistance (consciously or unconsciously) to make sure that she doesn't have to. It may be that she feels a bit self-conscious that she's apprehensive about the trip when you seem to be so excited about it. She may not want to disappoint you by telling you she doesn't want to go.

I did something similar when I was in high school. My parents really wanted me to apply to a specific university that I wasn't keen on going to. I dithered and dawdled about it until I finally missed the application deadline. I didn't consciously decide to miss it, I just put it out of my mind until it was too late. In hindsight, it was an easier way out than having the discussion with my parents about why I didn't really want to go to that particular school, and perhaps having them be disappointed in me.

[sugar and spice]

Originally Posted by BigT

IF someone has that low a grade in an AP or pre AP class, then they aren't ready for the class. Why hasn't she been pulled out of them? I don't even mean by you. I got forcibly dropped out of my English class when I didn't know about the summer reading requirements and thus did poorly for the first half of the first quarter. My grade was automatically jumped up a letter point, I got specialized help to get me caught up, and I wound up with an A in the regular class from a D in the AP class.

This is what I would wonder. Sometimes perfectly smart responsible kids end up in classes they can't handle. Because they're not prepared, because they don't click with teacher, or maybe because they failed one test at the beginning of the class and lost their confidence (not to generalize but I think this last one happens a lot more with girls than boys). Or some other reason, and rather than ask for help she just pushed the problem under the rug and gave up.

Not saying this *is* what happened. It could be anything. But, I think it's possible enough to post. I would try to find out what happened with the class and deal with the trip afterwards. There will be other chances to travel.

[Boyo Jim]

Yeah, what someone else said -- YOU take a nice trip, and remind her before you leave that it could have been her. That is a lesson she will never forget.

[jz78817]

Originally Posted by Bootis

Maybe, though I still think it sounds like something happened that made her not really want to take the trip anymore.

I'm with this. when I was in high school I sure as hell wouldn't want to go on trips like this (not that we really had any anyway.)

[needscoffee]

Send her. It'll be worth it to her. My kid at 14 would have been much the same, but by a couple years later has become much more responsible and pro-active. Your daughter will gain enough benefits by going that it's worth having her mother pick up the pieces and put it together. I know how frustrating it can be, especially the extra $300. Maybe she can work it off with extra chores around the house for $10 an hour or something.

[chela]

I recognize that kid.
Don't sweat the missed trip Mom, it is not a once in a life time opportunity, remember she has at least 3 more years in HS to choose from multiple travel adventures. She has a lot on her plate now, it is not a failure if she defers the trip. Congrats on having a small nest egg saved, keep at it!

[Desert Nomad]

Send her. In 9th grade and 10th grade I went to France and Switzerland with my French class. Very much worth it. Later on (the summer between my junior/senior year) I spent most of the summer wandering around Asia on my own... those three trips cemented a much larger world view for me.

[threemae]

With a 60 in any class in high-school, I think this signifies very significant academic difficulty. Getting to the bottom of and resolving that academic problem should be the priority, in my opinion.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

My son had a 60 in history one marking period because he missed one assignment and at midterms they had only had two assignments. By the end of the marking period he had a 90+. Sometimes grades can be weird.

I am curious about a 9th grader taking AP classes- that's different than my experience has been.

[ugly ripe tomato]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen

One thing to add, for my scattered son it was his trip to Costa Rica over the summer between 9th and 10th grades that changed things around for him. He had to be independent and he got a taste of individual freedom and the responsibility that came with it and it caused him to mature. He put into practice all the life lesson we had tried to teach him.

He was mature on many other levels- good with money, emotionally independent etc, but very disorganized and scattered and trouble getting excited about school. The trip changed everything for him. He became passionate about photography and is now on the school newspaper etc.

That's great

I just don't know if the OP's daughter would have the same kind of good experience with it and maybe it's more important to work on the underlying issues there. Like why she's failing the class (doesn't gel with the teacher, overscheduled etc.) and finding out whether she really wants to go or not. If all that gets straightened out, she's only 15 so there's still time to travel when she wants to and is ready.

[Thudlow Boink]

Doing poorly in school because she turns in assignments late or not at all is a serious issue, trip or no trip. How you deal with that may depend on its cause: she may have ADD-ish issues (a definite possibility—see Sarahfeena's post); she may be unmotivated; she may have something weighing heavily on her mind; she may be going through a phase where this is her way of rebelling or asserting her independence; or she may just never have learned a system for how to be organized and get things done on time.

[Dung Beetle]

I agree with Renee. It would kill me not to send her, but with the bad grade and the possibly-on-purpose procrastination, it would probably be best to just wait until next year.

[SecondJudith]

Originally Posted by Sarahfeena

Your daughter sounds a bit like me, and I suspect that I have ADD, though I haven't been diagnosed. I am disorganized and miss deadlines. I had trouble turning in homework on time, and it affected my grades. I have no idea if your daughter has an issue like ADD, but I would caution you a bit about referring to her as a slacker. I was often chided for "not caring" about my work, or being flaky, and neither of those things were true at all...I was actually fairly serious about things, but I just have a problem with schedules and organization. I have worked out a lot of coping strategies over the years, but I wish wish wish these issues had been recognized in those days, so that adults would have helped me figure that stuff out, vs. just riding me when I would forget stuff. Riding me about it was not helpful in the least.

I have ADHD and agree with this. The "slacker" in the OP set off warning bells for me too.

[ugly ripe tomato]

Another thought, maybe she's overwhelmed by school? I had 2 AP classes in high school, 1 each in my junior and senior years, and honors classes for almost everything else. I didn't have her extracurricular activities, either (just a loathsome part-time job at K-Fart) and there were times when I felt I was in over my head. The thought of having ALL AP courses plus track and orchestra makes me want to barf now at age 35

She might be feeling so much pressure to excel and get into college (not saying from you, OP, but from her teachers, peers, or even herself) that she doesn't want to admit she's stuck.

I can remember thinking, I don't know what to do, I can't do this, I'll skip this homework and do extra well on that paper, and I"ll make it up by the end of the year. In her shoes I'd be wondering how the hell I was supposed to find mental room for the trip to Europe on top of all that.

Just my two cents on why it's more important to find out what's going on with her schoolwise than sending her on the trip right now.

[Marley23]

This is going to come out wrong - and I'm not a parent - but I'd be more concerned about the 60 average than about the trip. I don't know if she cares about the trip in the first place, and whether you decide to send her or not, but this sounds like a good time to have that conversation about how you're not going to bail her out like this anymore.

[ZipperJJ]

Reading this as not a parent (see my tag) but as a previously-awkward teen, the first thing I thought was "don't be mad at her because she doesn't want to go." I had to read a few replies before I realized you were mad because she missed the deadline to sign up.

And yeah, a 60 in a class for a smart kid means there's something going on emotionally.

[Agent Foxtrot]

I agree. She must pull up her grades by the end of the term and pay the $300 if she wants to go. She'll learn a lesson and get to go on the trip. Everyone wins.

[Suburban Plankton]

Your daughter sounds a lot like my son, who's currently 12.

My advice would be to focus on the grades first. If she gets them up to an acceptable level, and at that point she still wants to go on the trip, then make the arrangements if there is still time to do so, and make her pay the late fee in whatever manner you guys work out. If she decides the trip is not a priority, or if it's too late, then plan for next year and both of you make a commitment to be more proactive in order to keep things on track.

[Hippy Hollow]

It sounds like she didn't want to go. There's no way in hell I would miss a deadline as a scattered (non-ADD/ADHD) 16 year old for a trip that I wanted to go on. Plus it wouldn't be a thing that she just knew about - every kid and the teachers involved would be chatting it up.

It does sound like the OP may be more excited about the trip, and hence, why the kid is taking the passive-aggressive approach of not following through so she'll miss the trip.

I'd ask, straight up - "Do you really want to go on this trip? It's okay if you don't."

Exotic travel is talked up as being the be-all end-all for young people, but some kids are scared, uninterested, would rather spend the summer in their hometown, etc. And what's wrong with that? If the kid is reasonably intelligent and college bound, there will be opportunities for overseas travel later.

The grades are also a red flag. There is some organization and maturity that would be beneficial for a trip overseas. I certainly did the same bullshit as a teen - very smart but halfassed homework, assignments, etc. So I could totally be the one with a mid-C that would turn into an A after a lecture from a concerned teacher offering make-up credit. College disabused me of this approach real quick.

Here's what I would do. I would have a calm discussion with the teacher about the kid's performance, and ascertain what kinds of discussions ensued in class about the trip. It's possible it was hush-hush so as not to rub it in for kids who couldn't go. If it turns out that it was discussed quite a bit, that's a pretty strong signal that the kid intentionally ignored the trip deadline.

Props to the OP for figuring out that there's probably a little bit of "you should really do this!" going on. I don't think sending her as if it was just a slip of the mind is sufficient. I agree with others that she should have to make up the difference of the late fee if she does indeed want to go - after being assured that it's okay not to.

There could be any number of reasons why it's not an appealing trip - lack of friends, jerkish classmates going, a special friend who is staying in town this summer, being scared of flying or being overseas, not liking staying in hotels... it goes on. I'd see if any of these issues are at play.

[Eonwe]

Originally Posted by BigT

IF someone has that low a grade in an AP or pre AP class, then they aren't ready for the class.

Not always. The OP's description of her daughter reminds me a lot of me . . . my grades for my AP classes were across the board (As and Bs for English, As for Physics, Bs and Cs for History, and Fs-Cs for calc), but I learned a lot and aced my AP exams in all four courses.

Just sayin' . . . not that there isn't an issue to be resolved, but odds are that taking a course with requirements that are more easily met without an increase in effort isn't going to solve them.



And, I second the thought that you might want to talk with your daughter and find out how she's feeling about the trip. What she did (miss the deadline, and keep it from her parents) sounds exactly like something I would have done . . . let circumstances steer me down the path of least effort in the moment because I didn't care that much, and then be embarrassed that I was letting my parents down and so keep it a secret as long as I could, in the hope that maybe they'd just forget, or something.

[DMark]

I am always the first to say GO when someone mentions a trip to Europe, especially for first timers.
However, in your daughter's case, I have to ponder.
Something isn't right - I think she subconsciously doesn't want to go. Maybe you don't know the whole story.

Plus, if her current antics are any indication, you might be going to Europe a few days after your daughter gets there - to help search for her after she missed the bus, forgot to check back in the hotel, got in a VW bus with a bunch of Romanian Gypsies, or godknowswhat....

Maybe this just isn't the time.

[Hippy Hollow]

one more thing, from the OP's description of the school it sounds pretty competitive (esp. if 9th graders are already in AP courses). Maybe there's too much pressure and it's really unappealing to the kid to spend a lot of time around a bunch of overachievers.

I was in talented and gifted from 4-8th grade. I voluntarily left after 8th grade because it was uncomfortably nerdy. Not good nerdy, with kids doing crazy science experiences, but annoying nerdy with kids constantly obsessed about who got the highest grades, etc. (And that kid was often me, but I actually wanted some normal social intercourse.) I turned out pretty okay, educationally.

Maybe that's what's going on? Does the kid have a lot of friends at school? Does she look for other outlets to socialize? Does the school have a broad range of abilities, or is it a Lake Wobegon kind of place?

[sugar and spice]

This is a pretty minor point, but I noticed you said there is a trip next year, but only to London. Just speaking for myself but I would far rather take a trip that is 7-10 days in London than 3 days each in London, Rome, and Paris. A trip with 3 days per city is going to be a lot of: hop off the bus, visit museum, be back on bus by 5pm and then go to dinner. Especially with teenagers on a class trip, they will only be given so much free reign to explore/experience on their own. A longer trip in one city means more time to actually get to know the place, and to see more than just the usual main attractions.

My point is that I don't think it will be a big loss if she goes on next years trip instead of this year. Paris and Rome aren't going anywhere, if she really wants to see those 2 cities she'll find a way to go when she is older. And actually wants to make it happen herself.

[Voyager]

If it were just the grades, I might say go, and work out a deal to improve them.
If it were just missing the deadline, I'd definitely say go, since kids this age are pretty clueless. However, any reasonably competent high school teacher would be on the kids to turn in their forms all the time.
Perhaps she didn't listen or tell you because she knew she wasn't qualified to go?
In any case in 2 or 3 years she will be going to college, where no one is going to babysit her and where she might lose a lot more than $300 by not keeping up. Not going is a better life lesson. London, Paris and Rome will still be there five years from now.
One thing I would definitely not do if I were the OP was go myself. There is no reason to add insult to injury. Assuming she actually wants to go, which I agree is unclear. Better to save the money and figure out why she is getting a 60 in the class, which is going to hurt long term far more than not going to Europe.

[Lakai]

Ca3799, you sound like an awesome mother. The OP reads like a model example of reasonable and effective parenting.

Your daughter, like most teenagers, has problems with responsibility. That's because there isn't much teenagers can do that will result in severe consequences. I remember not doing any of the assigned homework in one class in high school and still passing the class.

Like most people, your daughter will learn how to be responsible. She'll learn once people stop correcting and forgiving her mistakes. That usually happens around college, where most people are surprised to learn that you're expected to make your own decisions about class and extra curricular activities.

What you have to decide is whether you want your daughter to learn responsibility now, or at some later point in her life like everyone else. You won't ruin her work ethic if you send her on the trip, you'll just prolong the inevitable.

While she's in HS, I would put her on responsibility training wheels. Make her make more decisions for herself, but be ready to step in if you think she's making a terrible choice.

Remember that if she fails to be responsible, it'll be a learning experience. It won't always mean she's missing out on something invaluable.

If you think the trip is something she shouldn't miss, then fix the problem for her. Otherwise let her miss it. Europe will still be there when she becomes an adult.

I think that's a healthy to deal with things until college. That's when you can inform her that her room will be turned into a day spa for mom and dad, and she has 30 days to move out (j/k).

Whatever you do, don't take the money and go on the trip yourself. It will send the wrong message. You want her to know that you're doing this to teach her how to be more responsible. If you go on the trip I guarantee that all she'll be thinking is that you're one major asshole, and the fact that you're supposed to be teaching her a lesson won't cross her mind.

[Machine Elf]

I agree that the OP should have a chat with her daughter and verify that she really does want to go on the trip. If so, think about splitting the $300 late fee with her - maybe $200 for you, $100 for her (or some other split that seems appropriate). As a parent, you are supposed to shield her from horrible consequences, but - IMHO - just mostly, not completely. She should feel a little sting from her mistake.

[Ca3799]

I really appreciate everyone's opinions.

Here's how the day shook out. I asked her to approach the teacher about the trip this morning. This afternoon, she said she was not able to do so- it's test week and the schedules are weird and she was confined to the center building.

I decided to put the responsibility on her to email the teacher to see if she thought she would qualify grade-wise and if she could be added to the trip list as a late registration. I thought that would let me know if she was really interested in going. She did this.

She did say this big trip was a little scary, but she was interested in going. She thought the handout I got several months ago had all the information ("We told them I wanted to go.") and she states she did not hear much about it class.

I've decided to treat this as a scheduling screw-up and let her go it she can. She is a great, if shy and retiring kid, and I thought this trip would be good for her on a personal (and school) level. It's a new school to her and she does not have a lot of friends there (several have speculated or asked). If she can go, great. If not, there's always next year.

[Little Nemo]

I think the mixed feelings you're having is due to the lack of proportionality between the offense and the consequence. The offense was your daughter letting her grades slide and not keeping up on the schedule. The consequence is she's missing a really great opportunity. While they're relating as cause and effect, they're not proportionate - it's too big a punishment for the crime.

My suggestion is you come up with some alternative consequence that you feel is more proportionate. Tell her that you will still pay for her trip (including the extra money) and allow her to go (assuming she starts immediately working on getting her grade up). But also tell her she has to do all the family's laundry for the next six months - that's her punishment for screwing up the trip and costing you $300.

This way, she'll still get to experience Europe but she'll also learn a lesson about not screwing around. And you'll have somebody doing your laundry.