I have a specific question that I will put at the end, but feel free to make any other comments as well.
My daughter is 12. She has always been a bit shy, and a bit out of step, socially. She usually has someone to hang out with at school, and goes to the odd birthday party, and I dont think she is really being bullied or picked on. She just doesnt like most people. This last year at school, she has been getting more unhappy, arguing with her friends, and becoming more withdrawn, and maybe slightly anxious. I hope its just a stage, but Im a bit uneasy.
Her class is going on a field trip, 3 days and 2 nights, to Canberra, to see Parliament House, and various other educational things. It costs $300, which is kind of a lot for a field trip. Kid is saying she doesnt want to go, because she hates everyone at her school, (except one other girl), and they all hate her, and this other girl will not be going on the trip, so she will spend 3 days being a social outcast.
Her dad thinks maybe she should go, because you shouldnt run away from your problems. I think she should go, because its school, and education is important. OTOH neither of us want to spend a big chunk of money for our daughter to be miserable for 3 days. Is it character building or just unnecessary? She cried and cried when we told her she could go after all (we didnt think we would have the money at first).
Please don’t send her on the trip. Use that money to get her therapy, so she can talk about whatever is bothering her. She won’t get anything but misery out of it if she doesn’t want to be there.
I come from the ‘character building’ school and, without knowing the extent of the problem, would make her go. As you say, it’s educational and (more importantly, in this case) will cause forced interaction with her peers.
That said, you have to think beyond this particular issue and try to teach her social skills. As an introverted person (like much of this board, it seems) it took me years (until into my 30s, really) to come out of my shell and be pretty comfortable in social situations. There are coping mechanisms out there and any reasonably well-adjusted person should be able to get to a point where they’re able to make friends and prevent outright hostility from others.
It’s beyond no fun to have few/no friends and face meanness everyday, so my heart goes out to your daughter. All the best with your issue.
I agree with this. 12 is about the age where girls’ awfulness towards each other skyrockets and your daughter appears to be the target of it. Besides, if she’s already getting overnight field trips at that age, her school will probably have plenty more opportunities and hopefully by then she’ll have a decent group of friends.
As someone who was a lot like your daughter when I was a kid, please don’t force her to go. Those of us who are shy and withdrawn aren’t going to magically start being outgoing and such when placed in a situation like that. More than once my parents forced me to go to school outings where no one I knew was going. It didn’t force me to socialize and interact, it just made me miserable and I hated the entire thing. And if she’s crying at the idea of going…that’s definitely not a good sign. I’m going to have to agree with miss elizabeth on this one. Don’t make her go and start looking into getting her some therapy because I think there might be more going on here than just a shy personality.
Well, first of all, I sorta have a problem with you calling her “weird.” Second, I’ll echo what’s been said and suggest you not make her go. Being shy, out-of-step socially or withdrawn makes these situations hard, miserable, not fun, etc. She probably won’t get anything out of it other than bad memories. And let me just repeat, none of those characteristics I listed above make her weird, or deserving of being described that way by her own mother.
OK, I can see how that looks bad. Maybe I should have put it in inverted commas. I am trying to say that people are constantly surprised and confused by her, and she is very willing to be non-conformist if an idea amuses her. Like, sometimes she wears three plaits in her hair. She plays computer games, which no other girl in her school does. She says completely random things sometimes. Other kids dont know what to make of her.
I do tell her she is being weird, or that something she has done is weird. I dont think weird is necessarily bad, its just weird, and people will look at you funny. I can be pretty weird myself, which she knows. Maybe its the wrong term to use, but I dont mean to put her down.
This could be some minor temporary problem she is having with someone else at school. Leave her alone. From the sound of things I like her already. She’s interesting, intelligent, and creative. And going on this one field trip won’t make a lick of difference in the rest of her. Making her go when she doesn’t want to will if she has a bad time.
Spectacularly bad advice, when applied across the board. There are plenty of problems where running away is enirely appropriate. Child molesters, for instance; what does he recommend in that case? Honest dialog?
I agree with everyone else that you shouldn’t make her go. I’ve never been introverted but have some friends who are and a few of them have described their school years like you’re describing your daughter’s so far.
I think it’s important to try to get her to be more social and learn to acclimate herself to others in social situations. Being socially adept is an important characteristic to have in society. I know a lot of people (especially online it seems) don’t agree, but in my experience people tend to be a lot more miserable if they are too closed off and overly introverted. Like any other skill you want your child to have (patience, intelligence, critical thinking) it’s one that should be practiced.
Instead of a 3 day sink or swim for her maybe you can find some school based activities (dances, clubs) she can agree to go to. If it’s her particular schoolmates she’s nervous about, perhaps try to find other activities in your community where she could do some socializing. Horseback riding? Cooking class for teens? Crochet or knitting class? Volunteering at an animal shelter? I’m not sure what is available in your area, but getting her to do something outside of her comfort zone may help her become more confident and learn to deal with other personalities. She also might make a few new friends or develop a new hobby.
She most likely will give you some push back, but I think you should make her find something she can agree to do. If it’s away from schoolmates, fine. But she should be made to find some new outing she can do occasionally to work on her confidence and social abilities. Obviously everyone’s MMV.
The best gift you can give your daughter is to affirm that her parents love her just the way she is and that she can count on you absolutely to listen to her and protect her. Forcing her into three days of misery does not convey that message.
I agree with Sleeps With Butterflies that it would benefit your daughter to get involved in activities, but they should be activities that celebrate who she is. Helping her excel at what she’s interested in and what she’s good at will boost her confidence and social skills.
Based on my own experience as a weird 12-year-old, your daughter may interpret being shipped off against her will as punishment for being a disappointment to you.
Really hard to say, my hear goes out to both you and your child when I hear stories like this. Sounds like the little girl needs some positive feed back somewhere. Is their anything she is particularly good at or interested in? Is she concerned with her looks not being as good as the other kids or style perhaps? It doesn’t take a lot of friends to boost a childs spirit. I would try and find something very positive she could share or use as common ground to make friends. No opinion on the trip,
I agree that you should not send her, but speaking as a (still) weird (former) 12 year old girl, you’d be amazed at the bullying that girls that age can get up to. At that point in my life, I had absolutely no friends, and was suicidal. I generally try to avoid even thinking about that whole shitty period from fifth through eighth grades.
However, I do agree that helping her build social skills is a good thing, and I’d like to offer some specific advice on that front. When you’re looking for socialization activities for her, focus on things she’s already good at, and where she can be confident in her abilities already. If you want her building confidence in her social skills, it won’t help to have her stumbling over a new activity - she’s likely to feel even shyer because she’s making mistakes (at least in her own mind). If she can, instead, be the smartest person in the computer class, or the one who helps other girls during taekwondo, she’ll only have to build confidence in talking and relating to others. And being able to help them improve their skills will give her a natural avenue to do so. Note that this will work best with girls from outside of her school - she’ll be able to reinvent herself as fun and quirky instead of being pigeonholed as the weird girl.
I strongly, strongly recommend that you do not force her to attend a trip when the prospect of doing so makes her cry. Anyone recommending differently has obviously never been a 12yo girl who is being ostracized by her peer group.
I dont think he means for it to be applied across the board, but the question is does it apply here or not? She is never going to learn social skills if she always dodges social situations. Maybe this is too intense though.
Naturally, my heart melts when she cries, and says she doesnt want to go. Im surprised that most people so far have agreed that we shouldnt send her. There is no way in hell my parents would have let me effectively ditch school for 3 days. But they were always supremely indifferent to my social problems.
She will be moving to another school in January.
She does dinghy sailing outside of school. She has been a member of the same sailing club for 3 years. She loves sailing, but there are 2 other kids at the club she will talk to, and says she doesnt like the rest of them. Sometimes she does pottery after school, but she rarely talks to any other kids. Its not just some unlucky happenstance that she doesnt have many friends at school. Most of the time it doesnt really seem to bother her. I cant force her to make friends if she doesnt want to, even if I think she would be happier if she was less guarded around people.