My Daughter is a Nerd ! Help Please !

In My Humble Opinion
1

Well, I don’t think so, but the kids in her class do.

She’s almost 9 years old and she has a learning disability, she’s also a little immature for her age. She stays in her homeroom for recess, lunch, social studies and field trips, but most of the time she’s in a learning support class. All of this seems to make her an outcast with the homeroom kids.

She had a best friend that was in both classes, but he had to move and ever since then, she’s been unhappy at school. At her request, we went shopping and bought her some “cool” clothes. It didn’t seem to help. I talked to her teacher and the teacher spoke about friendship to the class, but that didn’t help either.

On one hand I feel I should encourage her to stop being so silly and just go stand around at recess and talk with the other girls, but she has a great imagination and likes to pretend and draw pictures. The other kids have no intrest in any of that.

Is there a way I can help my daughter ?

2

Unfortunately there’s no magic coolness formula (although I was never cool, so maybe there was and I just didn’t know, but anyway) and she probably won’t be at school unless she has some friends, so there is no easy solution. Perhaps encouraging her to meet new people will help, but really that will probably happen in time. I know it doesn’t sound like a very good suggestion, but if you ride it out she’ll probably be ok in a few years.

Or you could send her to another school where she can make a better first impression, but that might be impractical.

3

Why does she stay in her homeroom for recess, etc.? Is she getting extra help, or is it by choice?

Also, is she bothered by this, or is she content to hang by herself?

4

Is it possible to switch homerooms? Maybe she has a friend from the neighborhood who is in a different homeroom who would help her acclimate to a new group.

Another thought: is there some after-school group she could get into that would help her learn to socialize more appropriately? I wouldn’t suggest suppressing her creative, whimsical side, but maybe just channeling it more appropriately. Poor kid. Good luck with this.

5

My daughter was like this. It turned out she was suffering from juvenile depression, so it wouldn’t hurt to have your daughter evaluated.

Of course, after my duaghter was treated, she still prefered to stay by herself (at least all the way until she entered college) but we knew that was her own choice.

6

My daughter was like this. It turned out she was suffering from juvenile depression, so it wouldn’t hurt to have your daughter evaluated.

Of course, after my daughter was treated, she still prefered to stay by herself (at least all the way until she entered college) but we knew that was her own choice.

7

Kalhoun, I think that’s great advice. If there is an art class in the area with other kids her age, that might be a great place to make friends with similar interests.

Also, are you SURE that the other kids aren’t interested in drawing and imaginative play? Maybe your daughter just hasn’t found them because she’s a little introverted. Maybe her teacher could put her on a team project with other kids whom she knows may have similar interests or are more quiet/introverted as well. Since you’ve already spoken with her teacher and it didn’t seem to help, is there an art or music teacher in the school that you could speak with?

Often it only takes one close friend to make school seem more bearable, as I’m sure your daughter had with the friend that moved away. I moved quite a bit as a child, and had the same type of procilivities as your daughter. It’s hard to make friends when your nose is always in a book, but I usually found a few people to talk with in drama or band.

One last thing, and please don’t be offended that I’m asking - are your daughter’s personal hygeine habits as sophisticated as her peers? I know that I was still a “kid” in terms of bathing, hair washing, clothes, etc, while it seemed everyone else in the school was wearing bras and makeup, and had more sophisticated hair and clothes. I didn’t really see it myself until I was in middle school, when I started asking my Mom for a bra (that I really didn’t need) and to start shaving my legs. Because I was a bit immature but ahead intellectually, it didn’t occur to my parents that I was behind my peers in that respect. I dreaded having to change in gym class!

And finally, will she be going to a new middle school next year, or is that two years away? I doubt that changing schools would work, since she’ll still be who she is no matter where she goes. But going to a school with more kids, and more diversity, might help her to find more like-minded friends.

My heart goes out to you both, and I hope some of this helps.

8

It bothers my daughter a lot. She’s not looking to be cool, she just wants someone to play with.

She has to go with the homeroom for all those things because that’s the way learning support is set up, there is no choice.

I’ve thought about changing her homeroom, but school will be over in a few weeks and next year there will be a new group of kids.

She used to like going to school a lot, she wanted to learn how to read a chapter book and be with other kids, but now she doesn’t even want to go.

9

Could you throw a “girlie” party and ask the teacher which girls she thinks your daughter would be well matched up with to invite?

Perhaps dressing up and doing make-up and such at the party would let her shine as you said she loves pretending.

I was a complete loner in school and I can say it was not fun. I too was a dreamer who was slightly gifted but was too offbeat and shy to join in the mainstream girls.

10

Does the school have some sort of socialization support? My nephew is immature for his age and had him put in “friendship club”, which is really special help for making friends. It has really seemed to help. He’s only 6 though.

11

Oh {{{{{dragongirl}}}}}, that just sucks. :frowning:

12

I was a big old loser in elementary school. The other girls would go out of their way to make sure I didn’t hang around with them. It was (a) completely, utterly, unbearably awful and (b) temporary. Many of my friends today, who are intelligent and popular and sexy and interesting, were also losers in elementary school. So she will get over it - but that doesn’t make things any easier for now !

Are there extracurricular activities she’d be interested in? Sports or drama clubs or something? Even if she doesn’t make friends there, she may do well with the self-confidence that can come of it.

13

Is it possible that the other kids were teasing her over something? Kids that age center on the group and don’t deal well with kids who are “different”, and that’s where a lot of the teasing comes from. They just don’t know how to relate, and the teasing is a coping mechanism. Not that this excuses the behavior, but that’s where it comes from. Playing up your daughter’s differences enhances this discomfort and makes her an even bigger target.

The other suggestion is a lot less pleasant. Is it possible that she was physically assaulted and is afraid to go outside with the rest of the class? The only reason I raise this is because I was assaulted repeatedly in grade school and had to go back to public school.

Robin

14

Can you enroll her in a martial arts class? I have seen this work absolute wonders for shy/withdrawn kids. For the girly side, how about a girl scout troop? The Girl Scouts are always looking for den leaders, could you volunteer to lead for one year? That might add to her personal prestige and make her appear less “nerdy”. If not Girl Scouts, is there an “American Girl” club in the area? Same concept as Girl Scouts, I think, but based on the American Girl series of books.

15

Ditto to what Lyllyan said. She’s just the right age to really get into say, Tae Kwon Do. I’ve seen it do wonders for kids too, really shoots up that self-esteem.

I would not have survived middle school and high school if I hadn’t had a life outside of school. (I was big into Upward Bound, but your daughter is too young for that right now.)

It’s all about extracurriculars. If she has something to look forward to every weekend (or close to it), she’ll live through school to get through the school week. Her mind will be on all the fun stuff.

16

What if she rode to school on her own PONY?

I was placed firmly in the nerd cast when I was 11. I stayed there untill college.

So look at me! I’m bitter and depressed years later! Maybe you shouldn’t look at me so much.

17

If you can in any way, try and make her enjoy learning by teaching her neat tricks, it may make her feel special and boost her self esteem. She sounds like a smart girl that isn’t socially adept, so teaching her some things that she may excel at could give her a moral boost.

Also if she continues to associate being unhappy with learning, it could cause problems later on. I know it did for me and it was a pain in the ass.

18

You may want to see if maybe you could start some sort of music lessons for her. I was an outcast in school, but music really helped me. I don’t know what year band starts at her school, but maybe you could give her a leg up on it. And since she’s real whimsical and has a strong imagination, she might enjoy being able to create music through an instrument. I have also heard (though I do not have any cites handy, sorry) that music often helps people with learning and/or motor skills disabilities.

Maybe some sort of art club would be available to her? There is a wonderful fantasy art site called www.elfwood.com that she might like to look at to get ideas, and you could even post some of her work there. It might do her good to have people telling her what a good job she’s doing, etc. You would want to screen what she looks at on that site though, because some artists have nudity in their pictures.

Let us know how she’s doing!

19

I have a few children in that age bracket, and I can imagine how heart rending your situation is. I’m sure we all have memories of how cruel children can be, and nothing is sadder than a sad child. I didn’t become an outcast until the teen years, and some of that was by choice, but my sister was one from the earliest grades on. Childhood was really tough on her, and if she had lost any of her few friends, who knows what might have happened.

I’m afraid that missing recess and lunch robs her of chances to make friends. If there is any way she could take her Learning Support after school, or perhaps during English class, it might help.

You say she is immature. Is she physically immature, emotionally, or socially? The former is not nearly as serious to making friends as the latter two. Her teacher certainly can’t force anyone to be her friend, and children are even less capable than we adults at the them. However, you could try forming friendships with some slightly younger children, if that is the case.

I also agree with Lyllyan, although karate is just one of many activities. We enrolled one of our daughters in swimming, just to pull her nose out of books, now the whole family is into it. As I see it, outside activities like sports or arts are a godsend. Because they are all participating in the same activity, the kids have something they are all interested in to talk about. At least with boys, doing things together means being friends. Plus, the kids are from school, and so do not have preconceived notions about her. That should help her make friends, and develop her social skills that are undoubtedly rusty. An activity with a wide range of ages might help too. T

he trick is to pick something that interests her, but is different from her current activities. Not all kids snowboard, but all kids agree it is a “cool” activity. It doesn’t even have to be that cool of an activity, as long as there is a significant number of people doing it. (Was anyone else a band geek?) At around that age, one of my sons came home and insisted on playing the violin. I think it was to fit in! :o

20

oops. I meant to say that kids in outside activities are not from her school.