How does one foster friendship (at the grade school level)?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just got an e-mail from a good friend who moved from Boston to Pittsburgh in August. Part of the reason she moved where she did was because the school system is supposed to be the best in that state.

Her daughter, who is in 2nd grade, is having problems. Back here, she had a lot of close friends. In her new school, she isn’t doing so well. She’s only made one friend, and this friend shuns her at school. She’s basically an outcast, people call her names, and she sits alone at lunch. Apparently there are a couple of “ringleaders” who instigate all of this.

What can she do to fit in?

2

I’m sure you well know there is no simple solution. If there were, I’d bottle it and be able to sponsor a banner-ad-free Dope alternative! :stuck_out_tongue:

We had similar problems with our kids. It really sucks when you hear of birthday parties your kid isn’t invited to. Or they invite friends over and don’t get a return invite. Or the phone just doesn’t ring.

It is especially tough if - as in our case - both parents are less than social butterflies. Very tough to instill in your kid attributes you lack. But damn, if you don’t envy the parents of those Teflon-coated alpha-kids who seem to swim so smoothly thru their pre- and grade school years.

All I can offer is to stick with it and keep trying. With my son, he was fortunate to hook up with one close friend. Having one friend makes such a difference. And I firmly believe some kids just have it in them to have a better time as adults than as kids.

My daighter is a little different. As I understand it she is pretty pleasant and social at school - but gets that all out of her system before coming home and being a bitch to her fambly! :wink:

One thing your friend should be aware of and - I think - try to avoid is becoming her kid’s friend by default. As much as you love your kid, your kid should be developing relationships with his/her piers, rather than solely looking to their ps for stimulation, companionship, etc.

In our experience it got WAY better in high school, where there are enough kids and subgroups that everyone can find a support group of their preferred flavor. But when your kid in in grade school, High School can seem a long ways off.

With my kids, I felt a lot of their difficulty was not reading other kids well. Heck, just this year we gave all 3 of our teenage kids copies of “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” and bought and recommended that they read a book on body language.

They don’t have to be popular either as kids or adults, but as a parent you wish that if they fly solo it is a result of preference rather than an inability to socialize.

3

Interesting stuff. I wouldn’t call her parents introverts, but they do tend to make just a few long-lasting friendships, at least that I’ve noticed. They don’t seem to go out nearly as much as they did back in their party days. Maybe that’s rubbing off on their daughter.

I don’t know what this girl’s reading ability is, but I think that seven (going on eight pretty soon) might be a little young to be reading Dale Carnegie.

I think what she needs is a little social proof. Once she is seen as having a couple of friends, then more will follow. But that first one can be awfully hard to get when social hierarchy can be so cruel.

4

I agree with Dinsdale that one friend can make a big difference. I would suggest inviting the one girl for a sleepover or a movie or some such. Maybe that’ll make it a little harder for her to snub the kid at school.

Also, I hate to say it, but I think friendships at that age can be [del]bought[/del] somewhat swayed by material things. If she got something really cool for Christmas, or brought cupcakes to the class, who knows?

5

It’s also important to develop social outlets outside of school, where the kid can mingle with other kids who don’t already know her as an outcast. She could participate in art classes, cooking classes, Scouts, sports through the Boys and Girls Club, you name it. Lots of chances to have friends who don’t go to school with her.

6

Yeah, I’m not trying to push that particular schtick. I think my wife got a copy supposedly aimed at teen girls for my youngest, so there might be even younger versions. And we acknowledge that even the DC approach requires that you want to WFAIP which, in many cases, might require that you sublimate your personality and tolerate some things in others you might not really want to put up with.

But I know there are various “socialization” resources for younger kids. The parents might want to spend some time in the appropriate section of their bookstore/library (if they haven’t already). There will be stuff across the map - it may take some trial and error to come up with an approach that makes sense to your friends. And other than books, various organizations ranging from school to county social services agencies have activities, courses, lectures etc on socilaization, avoiding bullying, etc. But if they are really concerned with this situation, they may need to put some of their personal interests on the back burner for a little while, while they try to figure out what is going on and how best to address it.

Another approach is to keep exposing the kid to different activities, such as scouting, athletics, church, etc., hoping that eventually she’ll strike a chord with a kid she meets somewhere. But it is a bummer when your kid says she wants to hang out with a kid who lives 2 towns over, instead of on the next block.

If the one “friend” is a good kid and you get along with her parents, it can be possible to work with her parents to have the kids socialize more, and to have the “friend’s” parents discuss with her whether she treats her friends differently in school than on-on-one.

And as a parent it is very natural to keep saying to yourself, “Why does it have to be so much work just to raise a happy, social kid?” I’m not sure if we have blinders as to exactly what it was like when we were kids, or if our expectations are just higher nowadays.

Also - in grade school girls can be incredibly mind-bogglingly evil. It really REALLY sucks! I was astounded when somewhere around 2d grade my eldest was invited to be in a “club” that, as far as I could tell solely existed to exclude others. And dealing with the school or the parents of these evil-bitches-in-training can be an exercise in frustration. To some extent, you might be able to find other parents who feel their kids are being similarly exiled, but there is a real limit as to a parent’s ability to make friends for their kid - nor should the parent need/want to assume that role.

Finally, try to figure out what, if anything, the kid might be doing to exacerbate things. For example, on one occasion when one of my kids had few friends, we were mortified to learn that she pushed/hit one of the few kids who came over! Come on, kid - work with me here!

No easy solution - just the long-term heavy lifting involved in responsible parenting.

7

I second the notion of Scouts, sports or some other organization. My son was a little isolated due to shyness and immaturity when he was a couple of years younger and being part of a pack and a team has made a tremendous difference. They also learn some new skills, which can help build confidence.

8

Outside activities are a great idea. The problem with them is that they are outside.

I had the very same problem when I was in 4th, 6th, and 7th grades. I had outside activities, but that didn’t fix my isolation in school. I only saw my friends on the weekends or at night. What was really odd was that one activity was after school, but on school property. One guy was my best friend in that activity, but one of my tormenters in the classroom. He was totally two-faced. I didn’t really even want to be his friend, I just wanted him to stop being a jerk.

9

My second graders social standing went up a notch or two when it was discovered that the girls who had gone to her birthday party (right after school started) got to go horseback riding.

Grade school girls are evil. The nice thing is that they are also fickle, so a little patience will give her a friend. Who will then hate her guts. And then she’ll get a new friend. And then get completely cut out. And then fall in with a group of girls that manages to be evil to other girls. Wait until middle school - because that is the point at which they stop being fickle and then you either need self sufficiency or a good friend going in (or to have entered into the evil clique to start with, and just spend the next seven years worried you’ll wear the wrong shoes one day and spend the rest of your high school career at the lunch table with the guy who has never taken off that jacket since seventh grade.)

10

You’re basically describing my experience when I was 8. If the situation persists, then the girl should be moved to another school. My parents left me and it did terrible damage. I was basically friendless at that school until I left.

11

Right. Sitting by the lake and communing with nature can ease the pain of being shunned.

12

Moving may not have done any good. I went to six elementary schools. They were all the same. The only one I had “lots of friends at” was when I was in fifth and sixth grade and I transfered in deciding to be the sort of person that was popular. I pulled it off - having seen it at four previous school - but it wasn’t me and when we moved the next year, I was back to being my outcast self.

13

Maybe, but not doing it certainly did me a lot of harm.

14

I wish I could remember the name of it now, but I found an interesting book on children and friendships at the library. My son was being picked on by a peer and I was at my wits end over how to make him feel more accepted. It was chock-full of advice, strategies, and tips for helping your child make friends, be a good friend, and succeed socially. Before stumbling across it, it never occurred to me that someone would have taken the time to investigate (and write a book on) the topic. You figure it all comes naturally, and either friendship happens with kids or it doesn’t. This suggested that there is something you can do to help a child who is having trouble.

Anyway, if it were my friend I’d suggest she peruse the library on some sources.

15

This might be beyond obvious, but make sure that the parents aren’t dooming her from the outset. For example, are they buying her clothes where other parents in the area buy clothes for their kids? I’m dating myself, but the polo shirt with a dolphin from Sears is not the same as the polo shirt with the alligator. Sadly, kids are attuned to things like this at amazingly young ages. Are they expecting her to exemplify any non-mainstream religious or political beliefs? There are benefits to not allowing your kid to watch TV, but it does isolate the kid since it sets the framework for a lot of what kids talk about.