If you want to challenge her, drop her off to camp out for a week end with nothing but a blanket and a knife. (Okay, and a cellphone.)
Do not leave her undefended around a bunch of vicious middle-schoolers.
I would not assume the children marginalizing her are other girls. Boys can get very offended by girls who don’t conform to social norms.
I was “weird” at that age, too. I kind of wish someone had given me tips on when to dial it down.
But you don’t learn that from being forced to do things that make you break down. Flooding is a discredited psychological therapy. You’re more likely to reaffirm your fears. And then you also have broken any chance of trust between the child and the parent.
You have to choose to fight your fears. Forcing the issue is being a bully because someone doesn’t adhere to your standards.
+1
She wears her hair in three plaits? gasp Shocking!
She plays computer games? Really? Doesn’t every kid on the planet do that? What school is this where this makes her a standout?
I’m all for non-conformity, myself. I’ve never fit in with others very well, especially in school. The fact that she is comfortable with being a non-conformist even if she gets grief for it is a good sign of healthy self-esteem, I’d think. Good for her! I’d rather my kid were like that, rather than someone who signs on to whatever everybody else is doing, especially as she moves into her teens.
I don’t know if therapy is the answer, but you need to talk to her and find out exactly what she’s dealing with. Bullies? (And I mean girls by that.) Are boys noticing her and harassing her? I suppose you should talk to her about conforming and picking your battles and, like, not being “weird” for the sake of being weird. She could get stuck in weird mode and see herself that way and let it affect her choices.
It’s an awful thing to dread going to school every damn day. 
As a weird child, I had adults give me Very Special Talking-to’s and I did all the “right” character-building things, and yet I continue to be weird and asocial to this day.
I did a 3-day field trip when I was that age. Guess who I roomed with the whole time? The teacher! I don’t even remember how that happened, but I was perfectly fine with it because I couldn’t stand the other kids. That’s how weird I was!
I wouldn’t assume, though, the tears are necessarily because of the other kids. It may be the kids and something else–something she can’t describe. Like the change in routine or the unexpectedness of the schedule. Maybe it’s as something as simple as her being afraid her period will come (if she has started). Goodness, on that 3-day field trip that I took in the eighth grade, I was reluctant to go because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do all my homework. How was I going to be able to work on my book report while we were at Disney World?! That was much more important to me than not getting along with the other kids. I’m not saying the other kids are not in the picture at all, but it could be a lot more complicated than mere social ineptitude.
It may not be a bad thing to have her talk to a professional, just to make sure this isn’t more than a phase.
Well, when your comfort zone is “not being around people, who hate me and make my life miserable, for three straight days” I don’t think there is much use in breaking out of that.
I think you’re in a tough situation because how DO you make someone not end up as a misanthrope?
Do you think it would help to find out what it is about people she doesn’t like? At her age I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an insecurity of her own that might make her dislike others. Maybe she sees them as intimidating or outstanding in a way she’s lacking? I’m not trying to insult her, I’m just not convinced that a 12 year old has the critical thinking abilities to sort through personality types so easily and come away with completely reasoned determinations. Critical thinking is not fully realized until late teens, even early 20s for some so I doubt a 12 year old has all the answers worked out. I’m betting there’s more to it and for a girl that age it generally comes from self esteem in my experience.
I’ve done some traveling as a chaperone with young teens and insecurity seems to be their biggest issue for sure, even among the popular girls. Maybe if you can get her to talk about WHY she doesn’t like a certain person you might get to some ways to help her. Maybe remind her that just like she has struggles with her self esteem or confidence so do other girls and everybody presents those struggles differently.
As cliche as it may sound, people often do not like what they don’t understand. Explaining to her that everyone is struggling with someone and challenging her to find something she likes about each person might help her see these people as flawed people just like herself. That may be asking too much of a 12 year old, but we all have to deal with people in life that we do not like and the sooner she realizes that she has to work with and for people she may not like and she should get used to it, the better.
How many friends does one really have in life? If you can count them on two hands that’s a lot. She’s 12, let her be. Don’t send her.
Like many here, my first thought was ‘Yeah, she needs to learn to get outside her comfort zone’ but…if she’s having problems with a specific set of people, this won’t help. And, as already stated, she won’t lose much by not going, but it might end up a memorably bad time for her if she does go.
Maybe have a talk with her, somehow, about trying new things and getting outside of what she’s comfortable with, and use the money, or some of it, towards that end instead. Perhaps a school-oriented sport or band interest or…whatever. It’s a good thing to know who you are and like it and accept that people will think it’s ‘weird.’ But it’s a lot harder to learn how to deal with people who think it’s weird; few people are that ‘cool’, and no 12 year is. It’ll take time. Just try to avoid letting her get into that ‘picked on’ mentality that makes everybody else the enemy, and the ‘victim’ one with special rights. If that makes sense. ‘Yes, you’re a unique snowflake, honey; now go put on your big-girl panties and handle your shit.’
Um…you’ll have to figure out how to word that for a 12-year old yourself, lol.
As the mom of a “weird kid” I’m with all those who say don’t make her go. My son is a year older than your daughter and has grown to embrace his weirdness. He now has a small group of weird friends. Sounds like your daughter would fit in.
There was a school trip to Washington, DC last year, he didn’t want to go. It wasn’t required and we didn’t make him go. It was fine.
Do you know any of the other kids or parents in her school? I would agree with the “don’t make her go” camp if there is a genuinely toxic environment at school, but you really can’t know that just from your kid’s perspective. My stepdaughter had a lot of the same problems despite going to what was possibly the most laid back middle school I’ve ever seen. In her case, sort of nudging her to engage more with her peers paid off, but I don’t think it would have in the lord of the flies type institution I went to.
PLEASE don’t make her go. I know that’s what most people are saying, but just to add another voice. As a former ostracized middle-schooler, it would be cruel for you to force her to go. As for it being a “genuinely toxic environment” – it’s obviously genuinely toxic for her. Please please please. Thank you.
Don’t force the kid. She sounds a lot like my daughter, who is 14, wears odd clothes, and loves computer gaming. Of course, my kid is extremely socially aware, and has plenty of friends. However, you’ve got to realize, this is the internet age. “weird” people can find others like themselves online. It’s just a matter of finding your group online. Encourage the kid in that direction. She may be able to convert online friends to real-life friendships, and/or learn more about how to relate to others. Keep an eye on her online interactions, of course, and make sure she doesn’t do dumb things like give out personal info to random strangers, but…people like her are destined to find their best friends/confidantes in the online world, usually. Let it happen.
Former 12 year old weird girl. Don’t make her go. Twelve year old girls are horrible creatures.
My mom tried her best to socialize me with Girl Scouts. My mom drove to pick me up from Girl Scout overnights a lot.
Weedy, have you talked to her school about her social interaction? They may have some insight into what’s going on between her and the other kids. If she was previously socializing but now is withdrawing, there may be issues of bullying. Alternatively, your daughter may be developing depression, such that the school is not really the root of the problem.
talk to your daughter about dare I say it - being socially acceptable and fitting in. By the sound of it being how she is sure isn’t working out for her. talk to her school maybe. They have school counsellors for a reason.
I’m genuinely sorry.
I wouldnt have thought it was a genuinely toxic environment. She is never reluctant to go to school. Just this trip.
Girls can be evil beyond your wildest imaginings at this age. And unlike boys, they don’t always target or even prefer outsiders. Close friends are frequently targets for ostracism, insults, and rumormongering. Even if your daughter was the normallest normal that ever normalled, her 12-13 years could still be a total misery.
Personally I recommend finding a Second Place - a NON-school activity that involves people her own age, but not all from the same school where the problem is. Horse riding, theater group, orchestra, sports team… whatever she’s into.
It seems to me than she adroitly recognizes that an unpleasant situation that is more or less tolerable (school where you go home after a few hours) becomes a trip from hell when you’re locked in with Mean Girls 24/7 with minimal adult supervision.
I wouldn’t lay this at the feet of the Weird. It’s a very common female experience that strikes the socially adept and inept alike. The adept just adapt faster and take the arbitrary cruelty less to heart as a comment on themselves. A Second Place can really help with that. There’s no problem here a copy of “No Exit,” some black eyeliner, and a [del]clarinet[del] can’t fix. (j/k. sort of.)
One possible thing you might consider is that she might be nervous about something about staying away from home, like having her period while having to sleep somewhere overnight.
Is your daughter Daria Morgendorffer?
I would *absolutely not *send her on a multiple-overnight trip if she doesn’t want to go. She’s probably going to have to share a hotel room with a bunch of chicks she despises (or cabin, whatever the accommodations are). Spend the money on sending her to a few therapy sessions instead. Drop “weird” from your vocabulary, and work on accepting that she will never want to be popular.