My daughter is six going on seven and is very strong-willed.
I love the fact that she is willing to stand up for herself and is not a shrinking violet, but I need to find a way to temper that. She is running into problems with her peer-group, for example on Saturday she was fighting with the neighbor boy (who, granted is a bit of a jerk), and on Sunday we picked her up from a birthday party and she was fighting with a little girl there who, apparently told her that “she was the meanest girl in the world.” That’s a lot of fighting, so the common problem seems to be her.
I know what the problem is, she is bossy and wants to control everything. I have tried to talk to her about it and impress that no one likes to be bossed around, but I don’t think she gets it. She is an only child and that probably contributes to it.
How can I teach a seven year old to get along? How do I teach her that being right is not always best? That sometimes playing a game that maybe isn’t your first choice is better than always playing alone? How can I teach her to be “nicer”? I know I am biased, but she is a sweetheart - a bright, funny kid.
I should say that she does complain sometimes about “not having kids to play with” and she’ll come in from playing saying “everyone is being mean to me”. I know sometimes she chooses to play alone, and that’s fine, but sometimes she is lonely too.
She is at a bit of a disadvantage as we just moved to this area, so she is new to both the school and the neighborhood kids.
I have thought about going out and organizing some playing with the neighborhood kids, so I can see the group dynamics on my own, but I also don’t want to helicopter parent.
This isn’t an unusual problem in 6-7yo’s --they haven’t got much empathy yet and they’re still very self-focused. I don’t know what exactly you can do besides talk a lot about how to get along with other kids and point out that bossiness = no friends.
When she says everyone is being mean to her, does she elaborate on that at all? There’s “omg, people told me to shut up and stop being so bossy” mean, and then there’s “give the new kid a bundle of shit because nobody’s watching” mean and those need to be addressed differently.
Either way, I don’t think it’s helicopter-y to observe a few playdates so you can see for yourself exactly what you’re up against.
Most little girls seem to be like this at seven - you should’ve seen my Brownie troop. Or my daughter’s play dates.
The ones that are bossy and charismatic have friends. The ones that are easily bossed have friends. The rest have a few years (maybe until they are 30) of thinking OTHER women are bitches, and then figure it out.
Brownies might be a good choice for her. And if you volunteer to help out, you’ll get to watch - and explain - the dynamics.
My daughter - at ten - has discovered she’d rather play with boys. Other girls are bossy and mean (and she herself is bossy), boys are accepting (and boys do seem to have a lot less politics in their play). Her best friends are girls, but her larger circle is a lot of boys.
Can I just say what a relief it is to see that this problem is hardly unique to my niece–who is homeschooled?
I mean, not to say that public school wouldn’t help her see that the world does not revolve around her, but . . .
I don’t know that my niece is losing friends–but even if one is not supposed to have favorite nieces or granddaughters, her little sister is everyone’s sweetheart.
I think role-playing works best for kids that age. It is a great way for them to see and understand what you are trying to teach them. Explaining and lecturing usually go over their heads. Keep the sessions short, but frequent instead of one or two long sessions.
This is exactly how I was as a child. I had almost entirely boy friends and didn’t mesh well with other girls for the most part. My mother says it’s because I would jump into a group of girls and just start ‘directing’. Girls G E N E R A L L Y don’t respond well to that, but boys G E N E R A L L Y tend to look at that as a positive personality trait. So for a long time, I made friends with boys and still have a large circle of male friends.
When I was a teenager, I decided I wanted girl friends again and started seeking girls out. It’s not gone well. In fact, I’ve been burned so many times for my assertiveness by girls that I have gone way too far in the other direction without realizing it. I’ve spent the past five years or so not standing up for myself enough, and am still getting burned by girls. It’s all been very confusing.
So, PoySyn, I don’t think there is any reason that your daughter’s play be segregated by sex. Try seeing how she does in a group of boys. My mother did this and it helped when I was a kid. What I do wish my mother would have done was talk to me a lot about how other people feel, and really stress that other people have feelings. I really had to lean empathy on my own and ended up with a lot of stress and broken friendships and bad memories as a result. Your daughter MAY have a self-focused personality, so what comes naturally to most may have to be learned in her case.
Well you can’t teach your child everything, looking back at my own childhood, there were somethings I had to learn on my own, despite my parents warning me.
I think kids at that age are fairly good at “sorting out troublemakers.” The usual way is to send the child to coventry. Ostracism is one of the most effective way to modify behaviour in humans.
As long as there is no physical abuse, children will sort each other out. As long as the kid is developing in the general social norm, there’s not a lot you may be able to do.
Some kid are dominant and some by nature are passive. A child shouldn’t be friendless but having one or two friends is not a sign of trouble necessarily.
All you can do is advise your daughter to why people react to her like they do (or at least why you think they do) and let her learn it that way or the hard way
Seems simple to me. Explain to her that her behavior will have consequences and that she either needs to figure out how to change her behavior, or she will keep losing friends and people will keep being mean to her. Tell her you’re always there to ask for advice on this issue.
I reason with my 2 year old this way, and it works some of the time.
I think you’re on the trolley with this. She needs to learn that there is a way to be dominant and assertive without pushing people away. Some people are fine with alienating others, but I suspect this is not the case here, as she has expressed some regret about not having anyone to play with. Some people’s personalities are naturally (…looking for the right euphemism…) strong (okay, I didn’t try very hard), and I don’t think that’s something that should be modified or repressed. Rather, she should find a way to be who she is while still making friends.
I’m no parenting expert, so feel free to disregard what I say, but I’ve been bossy since as long as I can remember, and I like it. Not much has changed about my personality in that regard between being a mean little girl and a mean old lady, but the approach to people has matured (I would like to think).
First of all, I don’t think there are any parenting experts. If it’s any comfort to the OP, my own daughter was fairly insufferable between the ages of about eight and 11–bossy, a know-it-all, quick to slice friends and acquaintances out of her life. However, at 20, she is self-assured, mature, responsible and immune to peer pressure. I think it’s important to distinguish between self-confident “bossy” and mean-girl “bossy.” Is she opinionated and confident or a bully?
Well yeah, I suppose I didn’t make my point well (?). Some people just have “bossy” personalities, and when they’re immature little kids, they’re snippy little know-it-alls who demand to have their own way all the time. Not good. That same snippy kid can retain that personality assertiveness and confidence as an adult, but grow up enough to gain some humility and approach toward other people that isn’t so off-putting.
If she’s a bully, that may need to be modified. If she’s confident and opinionated, there just may be some growing up required so that she can learn to express it in a more productive and agreeable way.
For what it is worth, I’m a teacher and I have many strong willed children. I highly, highly, highly, recommend James Dobson’s book on Strong Willed Children. He is a Christian doctor, but this book could be used by Christians and Non-Christians equally.
I want to be clear - I have no desire to turn her from what she is into a girl that will bow to those around her either. I admire her string minded traits, I just think they need to be tempered a little.
Mahaloth, my mom has that book. She is quite religious (I’m not. Does that matter?) and has me for a daughter. I have no idea what’s in the book, or if the advice he offers was useful for my mother in turning my strong-willedness into something more productive or not. All right, I’ll stop posting in this thread now because I know fuckall about parenting, and am pretty much just running my mouth.
This is good advice. Along with allowing her the space to realize it’s true. Keep saying it, keep giving her the space and she will modify her behavior on her own.
Someone up there also suggested more playdates with boys and I agree with that strategy also. However, that will end in a couple of years because girls will be “icky” but take advantage of it while you have the window. Caveat: As long as she likes gender-neutral stuff…if she’s all into princesses and prefers dresses over jeans and sneakers, don’t bother.
My nearly 11 year old is…willful also and this has worked well with us, thankfully she’s also a rule-follower and has a deep sense of ethics.
One note of caution: Watch out for manipulative children; they don’t mix well and you could do damage to your relationship with your daughter.
My daughter has a BFF who delights in antagonizing Kiddo so much that, by the time I figured out what was going on (“Why, WHY are you so horrible when BFF is around?”), I still feel guilty about not realizing sooner that BFF was doing things purposely to set her off. So I had to do the, “I’m sorry. I know she was provoking you, but you are still being punished for your behavior in reaction,” speech. Tough lesson for Kiddo, tough lesson (and heart-breaking) for me.
I was already talking to Kiddo about limiting their friendship when BFF’s mom called me and said that Kiddo and BFF had gotten into a huge argument and we needed them to have a break. The cause of the argument? BFF was beating on her little brother and Kiddo had defended him. BFF’s mom admitted this. I’m not at all fond of BFF.
