I have started a thread like this once before, long ago. I was reading the thread in the pit about anti-abortion picketers, and the usual arguments have been raised - that an abortion is a baby, not a group of cells, that no woman should ever be allowed to abort, etc.
So I thought maybe it was time for another thread. I’ve told my story before, as I have said. I was twenty years old before I started having sex. I was vaguely aware of the existence of condoms and birth control but had had almost no teaching in it. I came from a family and a culture that basically considered premarital sex to be the equivalant of setting your house on fire with your parents still in it, and pointing at them and laughing at them as you did it.
But I grew up in this country. So we had sex, and it was only a couple of times we went without protection, and then after that, we used it. Still, it only takes once and the damage was done.
I absolutely knew I didn’t want to have a child, and I talked it over with him. He said he would be willing to support me in whatever decision I made…and I made the abortion decision completely on my own. I won’t say he wasn’t relieved though.
I’d like to say I put in a lot of thought behind my decision but I didn’t. I have never wanted to have a child, ever. I’m 35 now and that visceral reaction has never changed. I can’t see how someone who adamantly doesn’t want a child could ever be a good mother.
I believe in adoption (open) whole-heartedly but it was not for me, either. I was born out of wedlock and my mother cast me aside and never looked back. It hurt me so much I was never willing to do that to a child.
And I wasn’t willing to go through pregnancy to bring a child into this world that was unwanted and unloved. There is no shortage of children being born, and I don’t believe in the sanctity of human life - that is, I don’t believe every child is imbued with a magical soul at conception and that I must work to preserve it.
So it wasn’t even a guilt factor for me. Much worse was the thought of my parents and my family and everyone I know disowning me and tossing me into the street, or worse, for having a child out of wedlock. I’ve seen how they treated my real mother (I was adopted by an aunt). She is worse than a pariah. Her engagement was broken. Her sister’s engagement was broken. Nobody would marry them. Granted, this was 1970s India. But to this day I was referred to as “her shame” and my adoptive mother’s “duty”. They still don’t talk to her much or welcome her into the family. She will always be an outsider. NFW was I doing that to myself or a child of my own.
So we went to Planned Parenthood. I was in my first trimester, of course. They were the most wonderful, nicest people ever. They asked me if I was sure. They gave me some counseling, which I hardly remember. They set up an appointment for a few days away and encouraged me to talk about it with friends and religious figures and damn near anybody I wanted. They asked me, “If we leave a message on your VM, can we say Planned Parenthood?” (I said no, please.)
I went for the appointment. For all of you anti-abortion people, I am sure it will please you to know that it hurt like all fuck. I cried, and cried, and cried, but never wavered in my decision. The nurse held my hand while the doctor did it.
He asked me if I wanted to see it, and I did. I looked at the clump of miscellaneous cells and felt nothing. And I am a kind, compassionate person- but I can’t feel compassion for something that I don’t believe is there.
I left and sat out in their waiting room with my boyfriend, who was waiting there. I sat for a bit, and then we went home, where he took care of me.
It cost us $300 which is why it always makes me laugh when people say abortion mills are super profitable. Abortions really are not that frequent, people, and at $300 a pop you really don’t make a lot of money. We split it between us - it wasn’t money from our parents or anything like that. It was money we had earned, from summer jobs or whatnot.
I never regretted my abortion, not even for a second. I never was sad, or sorry over it. I think now, that baby would be fifteen years old. :eek: Fifteen years of either being adopted somewhere and wondering why her mom didn’t love her enough, or fifteen years of being horribly resented by me.
Oh yeah. I am firmly childfree. Everyone says “You’ll love kids when you have them”. That seems so…I don’t know. WHAT IF I DON’T? Will you take them from me? I think not.
I think abortion is a valid decision. And I’ve said this before and I will say it again. I WILL have an abortion if I should ever get pregnant again. And I will not stop having sex. I will not give up having sex my whole life because of some religious views that I do not share. We are very cautious now and if I should get pregnant it will be because of a failure in the birth control we use, but even if you made abortion illegal, I would still get an abortion. You cannot convince me it is immoral.
If you really, really want to reduce the level of abortions, you need to work at ensuring that every pregnancy is wanted. That means education. Birth control, easily available to everyone.
It has been put forth that all women and men should be given mandatory birth control at puberty that they can stop at any time. I think it’s a great idea…except not mandatory. I know we cannot put everyone on mandatory birth control but I see no reason why we cannot offer long-term birth control to young men and women who want it and do not have averse reactions to whatever system it is. If I had had such options in high school and college I definitely would have taken them.
More and more women are delaying childbirth now. Childbearing is not our only destiny. Some choose to wait. Others choose not to have them at all. It is our choice, and I am happy that I live in a country where it is allowed.
I know this is long, and if you read all of this, I’m grateful. I’ll answer civil questions but if someone Pits me over my decision I certainly won’t respond in the Pit. I hope other women will share, too - everyone is welcome, as long as you can keep a civil tongue. It just feels to me like anti-abortion people never consider the woman in these circumstances. So here is one woman’s story.
