My mom is going blind (venting, whining within)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So. My mom and I both work for the same company, based out of the same location. She moved down to bumfuck (about 90 minutes south of me) when she got the ability to work from home a year ago. She wanted to get a house on a decent parcel of land for a reasonable price, which is hard to find up here. So she moved away from all of her family, in spite of problems with her vision that would likely worsen with age (due to below-averagely-managed diabetes, unlucky genetics, and obesity).

This morning I got a panicked email that she could barely see and was just touch typing and to please call her asap. Apparently her eyes took a drastic turn for the worse this morning, and she’s getting her brother (who lives slightly closer to her than me, but in another direction) to juggle cars and take her to that appointment. Oh, did I mention she drives a stick shift so we have to take my car everywhere anytime I have to drive?

She has somehow, in all of this mess, managed to get a boyfriend who lives 2 hours south of her. And surprise surprise: he’s legally blind! Don’t ask me how they happened to meet each other, it makes me (metaphorically) sick to think about it. She’s been happily ferrying him back and forth to her place for the last 6 months or so. Oh, the bitchings I could bitch about how she’s spending time with a non-sighted person. But when love strikes, I guess it’s not necessarily without a tinge of irony.

My sister, the lucky bitch, took a teaching job in Texas last year and has nothing to do with all this mess, except for offering our mom moral support over the phone. And while I know that going blind is **way **worse than the stress and inconvenience I’m dealing with, I wish I lived in Texas, too.

It’s hard for me to maintain a sense of perspective about my life in general, but why does it always have to be me? Why do I (usually) have to be the only one in the area who can drive her to shit? Why am I the only one taking time off work for her doctor’s appointments? Why does she call me to make a three hour round trip to drive her boyfriend to his bus station instead of calling him a cab? Oh right, because she doesn’t have to pay me to do it.

I can’t fucking afford any of this, financially or mentally, and I think I might decide to go mad today.

2

Because of your sunny, cheerful disposition, your many impressive academic successes and most importantly of all, your charming, magnetic personality?

3

Well, she may have moved down to bumfuck, but at least you’re still in the same valley.

4

My mom would be going blind whether I was an awesome super scientist or a bum in the gutter. Thanks for the sympathy vote, though! :slight_smile:

The pit is → if you’d like to continue the thinly-veiled personal attacks, and be recommended what to eat a bowl of in return.

5

The internet?

While I totally support your right to bitch, and you certainly have reason, I’m not sure why you find the visual problems of your mother’s boyfriend so upsetting.

Actually, spending time with someone who is blind but having a good life (presumably) might be a good thing for your mom. Maybe he’s helping her come to terms with vision problems. Maybe she sees life isn’t over even if you go blind (something you say is likely no matter what she does).

I do agree there is an issue with transportation. Are there any transportation services for the disable where you mother lives? Is she able to call a cab?

6

Shake yourself off and stop being such a doormat then. Some people just love playing the martyr, but if you’re serious about not doing this anymore, practice this little titbit in front of a mirror:

“No.”

7

I work in ophthalmology and yeah, your mom did not choose wisely with her move when she has that combination of symptoms. We get a lot of patients with diabetes- and age-related eye ailments like diabetic macular edema, proliferative diabetic retinopathy, and age-related macular degeneration. I hope she’s better at seeing an eye doctor and following any suggestions for treatment than she is at managing her diabetes, but not keeping her blood sugar controlled will have a really good chance at wrecking whatever good her docs can do with their treatments.

Is there any way you can draw a few boundaries? Say OK to doctor’s appointments as long as you have X amount of notice, but explain to her that you will not be putting 3 hours worth of driving on your car to be a free limo service so she and her BF can get together? Perhaps they can Skype to talk with each other more often if she doesn’t want to shell out often for his trips.

Agreed with the comments about looking into services for people with vision troubles - “medi-car” transport, the Chicago Lighthouse, etc. You can’t risk your own job over this, and you aren’t a taxi service.

8

Bitter, much? This is your mother’s vision, not the inconvenience to you. You need to learn to say no, learn to disengage a bit, and your mother needs to learn what resources will be available to her if her vision is really failing. You’re “usually the only one who can drive her” because others have learned to say, “It’s not my propblem” when she calls.

BTW - my sister’s diabetic, and she has three vastly different prescriptions pairs of glasses depending on what her body is doing that day. Your mother’s loss of sight isn’t necessarily a permanant condition.

Wake up, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Congrats to your mother if she’s managed to find happiness, no matter what the boyfriend’s vision is. Maybe you should make yourself a “lucky bitch” like your sister and move away from the mother you don’t seem to like.

StG

9

Thanks Ferret. I think it was you who provided some really good advice the last time I talked about this, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

The issue I’ve been having is that my mom’s done a lot for me, and I’m co-dependent in general so it’s very hard to say “no.” It’s because of her that I even found out this workplace existed, and I wouldn’t have such a good job if not for her.

I actually DID say something today, though, because I really feel transporting her boyfriend is taking advantage of me–that’s something that should be worked out between them. But the last two Saturdays in a row (one of which was my birthday), I made an 8 hour round trip to drive down to her place, take her bf home, back to her place, then back to my home. He wanted to bring his cat with him so they “couldn’t” put him on a train. She paid me a little bit for gas, but not enough to cover the whole trip. So I’ve been paying with time, money, and vehicle miles for the privilege of them spending time together… it’s hard not to be a little bitter about this situation. I wish she would have enough tact and shame not to ask in the fucking first place, you know?

When she called today asking me to come ferry him to the train this weekend, I said (paraphrasing here), “You know I am happy to take you to your appointments, but my face is going to explode with stress if I don’t get a weekend to myself.” She said, “All you have to say is no,” which is a big fat lie. She’s one of those people who often treats “no” as a challenge to argue or wheedle or attempt to justify that what I’m doing doesn’t really matter all that much anyway. sigh.

And yes they DO have cabs in her town. Accessible transportation in the area is possible, though a bit of a pain in the ass. It’s not as easy as hopping on the El, but it’s possible–it took her a few calls to figure out that situation, but there’s a disabled shuttle service that her city keeps on call. I mean, I hate to just sound whiny, but she even asked me to spend an entire day riding the metra from my place to her eye doctor in Wheaton to her place, then back again, so I could explain the route to her. I mean, I know she’s under a lot of stress right now, but christ almighty these are not reasonable requests! Look at a map, plan your route carefully, and take your bf with you. Talk to the conductor, I’m sure they’d be happy to help out. :frowning:

I do feel better getting to vent about it and bounce the situation off neutral parties. I will feel less guilty about setting down boundaries if I feel I have good cause, instead of feeling like people are silently accusing me of just being lazy.

I don’t worry about losing my job over this since I am sure I’d qualify for FMLA (she is already on FMLA for the appointments, and for days when she just can’t see well enough to work, like today). But, I do lose money to gas pumps and from not being at work, and that’s honestly not something I can afford to spare right now. I am, as of recently, making good strides to get my credit repaired after college, and a single lost day of work probably means a missed payment, which sets me way the fuck back.

I really just wish she had stayed in her apartment up here. It would be so much easier.

10

My mom’s already had multiple surgeries. This is a permanent condition *for her *because she won’t take care of herself the way she needs to in order to fix it. And mostly, I’m complaining because she expects me to be her personal boyfriend taxi. I don’t mind driving her to doctor’s appointments (okay, I mind, there’s things I’d much prefer to do than spend 6 precious weekend hours in a car/waiting room, but I do it without complaint). I DO mind being taken advantage of.

The reason I’m the only person around to ferry her around is because she takes pride in alienating friends and family by what she calls “being herself.” Which is to say, being a rude, judgmental buttinsky who doesn’t know when to shut her mouth. I, my sister to an extent, and her siblings to an extent are the only ones who will put up with it, but she takes turns alienating her siblings as well. Luckily for me, her brother has tomorrow off and is currently on speaking terms with her. But this is the first appointment in months that I haven’t had to drive her to.

You’re right that I don’t really like her as a person. I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever gotten to know this well who is so little like me. If we weren’t related, I wouldn’t want to spend a single minute of time with her. She is positively insufferable. She’s a drama-seeking extroverted harridan, and I’m an avoidant introvert who only talks when I have something important to say (I vent the stupid or irrelevant shit I want to say online). Even just listening to her talk stresses me out, because when I am around *she never stops talking *(unless she’s asleep). She even keeps talking to me while I’m taking a piss or a shower. It would be literally unbelievable to me if I didn’t know her. Having her in the passenger seat and droning on and on about stupid bullshit I don’t care about (and not being allowed to turn on my own goddamn car radio because she can’t think-that is to say, keep talking-with it on) is pretty much the worst, most unfun situation I can be in.

But in spite of all that, and due to my fuckwitted father’s witless fuckery, she’s the only parent I have left. I do fantasize about moving to the west coast so I have an excuse not to engage her, but I don’t have the funds to do it. If getting off my ass and moving away were just that easy, I’d have been out of here over 2 years ago.

I did say in the thread title there would be whining. If you didn’t want to read it, you didn’t have to click it :v

11

You have my sympathy, but I wanted to let you know that the above snippet gave me a black but hearty laugh. I mean, I’m sorry your dad’s dead and all, but damn, that’s some phrasing!

Vent away. Helping people clean up their messes and deal with their problems when they’ve created them in the first place is always frustrating. We’ve all been there … and will be, again.

12

Oh, sorry. He’s not dead. We’re just uh, very estranged.

Thanks, PHS :slight_smile: Your name makes me smile. And I read a post of yours yesterday that made me smile a lot, but I don’t remember what it was. I appreciated that.

13

If we’re not going to agree with you, don’t post. Got it.

StGermain was spot on, though.

14

Wow. That’s a lot to deal with, and I’m sorry you thought you could bring your venting here for sympathy and you got mostly ugly comments.
I lost my mom years ago, but I had years and years of having to care for her while she was ill so I know how frustrating it can be.

15

This. My FIL has been dealing with macular degeneration for years, and he’s now legally blind. Spending time with his sister-in-law, who has been blind for many years, has helped him come to terms with this. He’s still not happy about it, but he’s dealing with it a lot better now that he’s seen that SIL (who he likes and respects) is enjoying her life, getting around, etc.

16

It’s very easy to underestimate the stress of caring for a sick parent. You have my sympathies, rachelellogram.

It’s much better that you let off steam here than take it with you to your mother’s house. Vent away, there are still some friendly ears on this board!

17

Oh, yeah - I forgot you & your dad are estranged. I agree that perhaps this BF of hers can teach her some coping strategies. Good luck with that whole “setting boundaries” thing. It can be an absolute bitch, esp. when someone is accustomed to not hearing “no” from you and even more so when that someone is a parent.

18

I am glad that she has someone blind to learn from, as it were. He’s been legally blind since birth because of inherited cataracts–he gets colors and shapes, and can read large print on computer screens for a couple hours until the eyestrain gets too bad. Which is probably where she’s going to eventually end up, too.

The problem I have is that the time she’s spending with him is NOT time that she’s investing into finding a sighted boyfriend who is local and can help her out with the basic shit. She’s poly, so she has the ability to have more than one bf at the same time, but she’s been mooning over the one guy for so long that she hasn’t invested any time into helping herself.

I called her this morning to ask how her emergency dr appointment went, and she said her “only” option for grocery shopping was walking a mile to the farmer’s market once a week (which would cause her eye bleeds to worsen), and that I would “have” to help her with her grocery shopping now. No, mom, that bloody fucking well is NOT your only option. You could call a cab. You could have the disabled shuttle drive you to a proper grocery store. You could have a friend drive you there and back. You can also get groceries delivered, for christ’s sake. I DO NOT LIVE CLOSE ENOUGH TO HELP YOU WITH THESE MUNDANITIES, OK?

I am worrying so much more about this than I ordinarily would worry because she is making herself appear dependent on me, based on my proximity to her. If I was not an option for her, she would stop being lazy and actually utilize her accessibility options. As it is, I know that she thinks because I am where I am, she doesn’t have to work toward doing any of those things. And it makes more sense to learn them NOW when she still has some sight left, as opposed to later when I’m farther away and she won’t have me to chauffeur her everywhere, nor the eyesight remnants to figure things out sort-of-independently.

wah wah wah, what a shitty fucking week

19

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but really, cultivating a boyfriend just because he’s sighted and a means of transportation is actually… pretty damn skeevy. You’re basically saying your mom should treat someone else as she’s been treating you.

Did you tell you mom that? In those words? Because you really, really need to do so.

Also - all it would take is for you to be in an accident or become ill and you will really no longer be able to ferry mom around, perhaps for a good long while. That is why your mom needs to figure out alternatives for herself.

20

No, I didn’t tell her that (I called first thing after I woke up and my brain doesn’t usually kick in until an hour later). But even if I’d been more awake, I can’t actually talk about this stuff to her, because she is not good at taking no for an answer and I am not good about insisting–the written word is far more effective because she can’t interrupt me and justify (which means that dealing with her is going to get worse and worse over time as her ability to read decreases). She installed my guilt buttons and knows how to push them, so phone communication is really really hard for us.

Of course, I’ll try to work up the courage to do this eventually, and prepare myself for being called ungrateful/mean/selfish, and being cried at. But this is just the kind of person she is. She is never completely independent when there’s someone around to do her favors. When I was living with her back after I dropped out of college, there was a CONSTANT of being asked to run little errands around the house–simple, stupid little shit that a normal able-bodied person does themselves without thinking to ask. She was never like that when I lived at home before college, but then when I lived at home she had a husband to order around instead. (she’s very controlling, and I’m guessing this is a way for her to assert control, as it gets worse when she’s in an uncertain situation)

I’ve dealt with her as an adult mainly by keeping distance between us, and calling/visiting as little as I can. But this is not something I’m as capable of totally distancing myself from, given the severity of the issue. I’m starting to get suicidal creeps again, and I haven’t been able to focus on work today for jackshit. My own mental health is *extremely *shaky in the first place. I am seriously THE LAST person I know who is capable of dealing with something like this. I just don’t have the mental resources to deal with it. It’s getting so overwhelming. I need my free time to decompress from the bullshit I put up with here… when that is stripped away from me, the countdown-to-my-insanity clock starts ticking faster and faster. I have days that I can barely even take care of myself; tasking me with caring for someone else is… it just doesn’t work. I just fall to pieces.

I’m probably going to shut down on her at some point if I don’t draw a line, though. I’ll try to prioritize that. And thanks to anyone who is still reading at this point :3