I am in that minority of blind people fortunate enough to still be working. Post-divorce, my kids and I moved back into the apartment building where my work wife also lives. Because a Lyft ride from my home to my work cost about 25 bucks one way, I generally use the local para transit service, MATA Plus, to go to and fourth unless I have a late meeting forcing me too summon a Lyft. Because of the built-in inefficiency of MATA Plus (let alone the fixed-route buses) I am forced to schedule my daily rides for long before I actually need to get to the office. Even so, I’d rather budget $60 a month for work travel rather than $50 a day.
My work wife has a schedule frequently but not always coterminous with mine, so she has suggested that I routinely ride with her. She doesn’t want any money for this, just as she always refuses to be compensated when she has to, for instance, take me to the doctor without warning. I don’t like the idea of this. It is bad enough that my stepdaughter has to routinely take the bio kids to and from school; asking my work wife for daily shuttle service seems beyond the pale to me. It seems like the sort of thing that would eventually strain the friendship. Emergencies are one thing, but I don’t think I should depend on her for daily rides when I can afford an alternative.
It has been suggested that I am allowing my pride to cause me to act foolishly. Am I?
I wouldn’t want to do that either. I don’t mind relying on people I am paying to provide a service. But I wouldn’t want to be a daily chore for someone. Especially someone I have to maintain a good professional relationship with. That is a recipe for messiness.
You’re not being unreasonable at all - I think it makes sense to have a business relationship with the people providing you the service, particularly since it’s not an occasional or optional thing. That way if she gets sick or if something happens you don’t have to figure out alternatives and any disputes can be resolved through a company rather than creating an awkward situation between the two of you.
Also, I hate, hate, hate talking to people during my morning commute. It’s the one and only time of the day I can count on not having to speak and I treasure it. So maybe I’m a tad biased.
I don’t know what you do for a living, but is it possible to work from home? Seems like your workplace would want to accommodate that for vision impaired.
If I were you I’d probably let her drive me a couple times a week, while making sure I do something to thank her now and again. Fill up tank, buy her dinner, etc. That’s what friends are for and I bet you would do the same for her if the roles were reversed.
I get wanting to remain as independent as possible, but at the same time, she is offering a significant benefit to you. Maybe sit down with her, explain your concerns, and accept rides with her only upon the condition that you at least be allowed to buy her a tank of gas/month (or other reasonable period).
Or even pay half the IRS mileage rate to compensate for vehicle maintenance and wear and tear.
I was in your position once (temporarily after leg surgery) and couldn’t have afforded any alternative. I am forever grateful to the awesome coworker who drive me to and from work for several months.
In the 90’s, there was a series of books about living in foreign countries. Living in France. Living in Iran. Etc. And one of them was about living in the USA. It pointed out (in contrast to their expected readership), that Americans were uncomfortable with social debts, and would actively avoid accepting favors that they couldn’t reciprocate in some form.
So, no, you aren’t being irrational, just American.
I would say, just be aware that this might be a smaller favor on her side than on your side. You might be able to pay out the social debt by being nice to somebody else, rather than by monetizing the relationship or forcing her into a contract.
Can you consider it a carpool? I carpool to work, and of course part of that deal normally includes splitting driving duties, which you can’t do. But, I did once have a nondriving member of my carpool. At first, he covered the entire cost of our parking space, which was a decent mileage plus gas equivalent. Later, gas prices went up, and we figured out an additional weekly amount that he paid.
I can definitely understand not wanting to feel like you are getting a favor twice a day, nearly every day. But, it can be a pretty standard mutually beneficial relationship if she’s willing to make it resemble a carpool.
If you only ride with her when she’s going anyway, then I don’t see how you’re imposing any burden on her. You could still take MATA on any days when she wouldn’t go otherwise, or even Lyft if there’s not enough warning to arrange for MATA as long as that doesn’t happen often.
Is there any equivalent thing you can do for her? Does she hate, or even just dislike, doing some chore you can do and are good at? Does she have pets, and sometimes go out of town and need someone to feed them; or even houseplants that need watering?
If the relationship really would be entirely one-sided, I’d explain to her that you’re uncomfortable with that, and would really be much happier if you can at least pay for some of the gas/parking/vehicle maintenance/whatever.
If I were her I’d feel awful heading for work and seeing you outside waiting for para transit or a Lyft. Since she is not going out of her way and so long as you keep to her schedule, I don’t see any problem. Definitely buy her gas. Dinner - depends on your out of work relationship. Might be taken wrong. Maybe pay for a car wash. Maybe get her appropriate thank you gifts.
Ride with her on the condition that she let you pay. Explain how it would otherwise feel quite unbalanced to you. Ask her to imagine the situation reversed. I’d do more than buy a tank of gas. I’d offer to pay at least half to 3/4 of what you have to pay for your other ride. There is seriously NO MERIT in grossly inconveniencing yourself. NONE. You don’t get extra Virtue Points on your Permanent Record Card or anything. Nor does she for insisting on doing you a favor. It’s about equity and balance. My 2 cents.
How easy will it be to use the MATA if she is sick or on holiday? Can you call them for a ride the day of, or is it something that must be scheduled far in advance?
If you have an easy alternative for days when it’s inconvenient for her, then by all means accept the car pool arrangement. You can compensate with lunches, or coffee, or gas money, whatever suits her best. You refer to her as work wife, so one assumes you know her pretty well.
If, however, her waking up with a migraine would mean that you had to call lyft, then that would cost the same as the monthly MATA charge pretty quickly. In that case, it may be best to keep your inexpensive (and more independent) routine intact.
But don’t underestimate the value of letting other people do something nice for you. An opportunity to help someone else can literally stave off depression. None of us can go to heaven unless some of us consent to have kindnesses done for us.
Fortunately, blind people don’t have to wait outside for MATA Plus. They call on arrival.
The out of work relationship is that of best friends. The work wife/husband thing started 18 years ago when we were both new hires at a different company. My bio kids call her Auntie. and she is already and will probably remain the person most likely to be called for, for instants, a late night trip to the ER, as she is literally downstairs. even if she were not driving me to the hospital in such a circumstance, she would be likely be the person opening the door for paramedics and facilitating their entrance into the building. She is also the second choice for babysitting duties, as my bio kids are her god-kids. and she introduced me to the new girlfriend, just as I said her up with her current wife.
In other words, our lives are already very entangled.
If you work at the same place and live in the same building, then it doesn’t make any sense not to ride to work together. If you’re concerned about fairness, then just find small favors you can do for her. Maybe save her the next time she’s attacked by a swarm of killer bees?
But anyway, it sound like the two of you are already at and well past the point where each of your lives is better with the other than it would be without. That’s balanced enough.
If you work at the same place and live in the same building, then it doesn’t make any sense not to ride to work together. If you’re concerned about fairness, then just find small favors you can do for her. Maybe save her the next time she’s attacked by a swarm of killer bees?
But anyway, it sound like the two of you are already at and well past the point where each of your lives is better with the other than it would be without. That’s balanced enough.
I understand the OP’s hesitation, but objectively I don’t see a problem with it. We all try to do nice things for each other especially when it costs us nothing. Allow her to help you out and then help her out when an opportunity presents itself. It it doesn’t, then help someone else out.
It’s sort of like watching the neighbor’s dog when they are out of town, and he trims your hedges. If you both stubbornly refuse the help because you don’t have a dog and he doesn’t have hedges, then you both are out because you have to pay others to do these things.
Are there no other ways in which you can help her?