Am I being an insufferable and mean-spirited prig?

In My Humble Opinion
1

About two years ago I got new neighbors, very nice people and in their late 50s. She works full-time as some sort of district manager for a gas-station company and doesn’t make great money. He is on permanent disability because of (as I understand) various and many orthopedic issues and a history of cardiac problems.

So she works, and he does not, but they are almost always broke between paychecks even though their lifestyle is modest. Husband quickly set himself up as the neighborhood “fix it” tool-man guy - he has a pole barn with a well-stocked workshop, is a “Hillbilly genius” and able to solve all sorts of problems and does so willingly, mows lawns, fixes cars, does emergency electrical and plumbing repairs, etc. Can and has built garden sheds out of free pallets for a couple hundred dollars.

However. He’ll do any of the aforementioned for “donations” and “whatever you can afford” for friends and neighbors but apparently and according to his wife, finds it stressful to do this for paying clients. (No, I do not understand this, at all.) They are seemingly almost always pathetically broke.

So I’m in construction and can and have referred him for many small, low-stress jobs. He says he’s willing, but then always comes up with excuses - my ribs hurt, new medication making my hands tremble, too tired, etc. So I’ve stopped referring him, but am getting tired of hearing how broke they are. But for the last two years he has been cutting my (and neighbors) lawn, put together a shed for me, installed gutters, done yard clean up, does almost anything in terms of fix-up etc. But he won’t do any of this for strangers, or for actual money?

Anyhow - I am getting surly because I do not have a high opinion of people who are able to work, but who choose government assistance instead. I was paying him $40 a week to mow my lawn, but decided to hire someone who runs an actual business and is after the work, this year. I will also pay extra for other work, even though I know he will do most tasks cheaper. But really I feel better about paying someone who who is not on assistance, and mainly I feel more comfortable giving work to people who actually want to work.

Am I wrong? Am I throwing really good neighbors under the bus in order to make a point?`

2

It sounds to me like he has a rather serious mental disability. I mean, it’s not like he’s choosing to lounge around the house and not contribute to society, he’s using his skills and doing actual work, he just has some sort of weird thing that makes him feel pathologically guilty or anxious or whatever to actually charge for it. I don’t think it’s fair to really call him a freeloader. I didn’t get the sense from your OP that they were intentionally leeching off the government or whatever.

My armchair analysis is that it’s possible that he’s even afraid of charging people because he’s broke to a degree. An overabundance of empathy, if you will. “Well, I’m struggling so I don’t want to force people to pay too much and put them in the same boat as me.” There really are some people like this, my grandparents knew someone whose store went out of business because they kept giving too much stuff for free because they felt bad charging people who couldn’t always afford it. Nobody took advantage of them that anyone knew (small town), but when it came down to it there weren’t enough paying customers to support that kind of “give away to the needy” model.

3

“Government Assistance” comes in many forms. You have no need to judge this guy. Send work his way if you want, or not; don’t take it personally.

4

My late first husband was on disability with significant cardiac issues. He’d have good days and horrible days, and many days in between. If he were doing something as a favor, he could choose one of the good days, or one of the good hours, or make it work around how he felt. But for a job? He couldn’t guarantee from one day to the next whether he was going to be able to do even simple, non-taxing things.

So, is it possible that’s what’s going on with this fellow? A “job” means an obligation that he might not feel able to meet.
ETA: Oh, and we were paying a TON for medications and medical care, so we were always broke for the first number of years, too.

5

Spot on, I think.

However, he has no social anxiety or other issues - he is actually a very social guy, with solid friendships, family relationships and all of that. He may not consciously be leaching because he THINKS he is incapable of being functional (I don’t know him or them well enough to make that determination) but “some sort of weird thing”
actually does not give one a pass for being a freeloader.

6

Sounds like you’ve got your mind made up.

7

You do sound slightly priggish. His wife works. He works–but can’t handle a “job.” He doesn’t burden you with details about his bad days…

Would you feel better if he watched TV all day, just waiting 'round to die?

8

When you do something for “real” money, then suddenly the pressure is on to do a really top-notch professional job. You will be held responsible if your workmanship is shoddy or if you do something wrong and end up killing/hurting someone. If it’s presented as a “favor”, maybe no one will raise a fuss isn’t perfect? I dunno, but it makes sense to me.

Not to mention, if he’s doing paid work, then can he really say he’s disabled?

9

It’s not quite the same situation, but my father-in-law has chronic fatigue syndrome. He’s somebody who wants to work but just can’t do it. It’s hard to get a feel for just how difficult it is from the outside, but it’s incredibly frustrating for him. Your neighbor likely has more going on than you see.

If you were happy with the job he was doing, then switching to the lawn care business might be a bit mean-spirited, especially if the company is more expensive. As far as not offering him any more work… that’s just what happens when someone never takes you up on an invitation.

If I remember right, you’re a Townes fan, so I have to think that this was intentional. You’ll be pleased to know it’s now firmly stuck in my head.

10

Two people that I know very well are on disability, one with CFS and another who has (among other things) bipolar disorder. In both cases, they have days when they can do anything they want to. On other days it is all they can genuinely do to get out of bed, and sometimes barely that much. Of course, no one can predict just which days will be good, which makes it very, very difficult to hold down even a part-time job. No one will employ someone who just may or may not show up for work on any given day.

A person on disability may earn a pittance and still qualify. So your neighbor’s odd jobs on good days is may well be within the permitted amount. Forty dollars a week is a pittance. It probably would pay for a small percentage of one prescription medicine.

I don’t understand why you have a problem hiring someone who’s also getting government assistance.

11

This is my reaction, too. If you do a “job” for someone, they have the right to expect that you’ll do it in X time. And some times, when you’re disabled, “my ribs hurt, new medication making my hands tremble, too tired, etc.,” is more than just whining.

12

Yeah at least he’s being honest and not trying to make more under-the-table money while on assistance. He’s done the math, he knows that X amount (that would be declared by a professional company) would bring his assistance down an amount probably greater than X, or completely wipe it out. He doesn’t think he can sustain work that would pay him more than his assistance, so he is better off eschewing professional work for low-paying favors and calling it a day.

Your tax dollars are going to support someone who is hard working. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

13

This sounds spot-on. For a few years, I had some health problems that resulted in the “good days, bad days” situation, and I can tell you that those things you call “excuses” may not be excuses but honest explanations. Many conditions are exacerbated by stress, so adding deadlines/expectations to the jobs might actually guarantee failure. He may be just doing the best he can to do as much as he can, as little as that may be.

One of the hardest things to deal with was people who thought that I was able to work steadily but was just choosing not to. And by “people” I mean mainly my ex-husband. Emphasis on the ex. It absolutely annihilated my self-esteem. (I’m better now, both in physical and mental health.)

You’re being an asshole, but at least you brought it up for discussion, so if you stop being an asshole to/about the guy, then all asshole points will be deducted from your account. :slight_smile:

14

From a professional standpoint, you have every right to stop referring your clients to this guy, if he’s consistently unable to come through. Any poor results could reflect badly on your own reputation.

That said, your rationale does come across as somewhat jerkish. There are millions of disabled people in this country who desire the chance to work, but as others have already said, aren’t able to work consistently. (And FYI you are indeed permitted to work a small number of hours per month w/o affecting your disabled status – YMMV by state, insurance policy, and a gazillion other factors, of course.)

15

I guess the real question is whether or not he’s really able to work. Clearly he can handle a variety of construction/general tasks. Whether he can handle doing those tasks every day as his primary job is very much uncertain.

The law (for very smart reasons) allows people on disability to work limited hours without eliminating their benefits. It makes people more productive, earns them extra money, and they may find that they can eventually be able to work full time and will choose to do so. None of that happens if you don’t let people try to get back to work on a limited basis.

16

If you know they’re living hand-to-mouth then don’t you know $40 a week has been important to them?

You all may remain friendly but it probably won’t be the same. And proving your point may be an empty victory. Good neighbors aren’t always easy to come by.

17

It’s not usually easy to get on disability assistance. (Cite: my husband is MD who has helped many people supply evidence of such. Lots of rejects, appeals, etc. Very few freeloaders.)

Lots of good responses above; I can’t quote them all. But seriously…if you want to throw a nice neighbor some work, do it. If not, don’t. He’s in his 50’s. What if it were just a few years later and he’s retired, but wants to make a few bucks to keep him occupied? People age at different rates, too.

Finally, similar to what others have said…I have some health issues like your neighbor. Not on disability, I’m just being a housewife/mom instead. Many days, I do pretty crappy job at that. My former employment was very physical (dance teacher). Could I do it now? Possibly, very part-time…But I’m afraid I’d have to cancel a lot or do a substandard job on THOSE days. I don’t think I’d have any more clients after a few months. So unless I find someone to pay me to teach senior citizens, some of whom would still be in better shape than I am, I may never work in that capacity again. It sucks…and it is depressing. But if my neighbor was getting married and wanted to learn a foxtrot routine, I’d jump at the opportunity. I could do that with the flexibility of not having to be “on” for a designated time every week, after wearing myself out from other clients. You get the idea.

18

Thanks all! Now I’m thinking I am being a bit of a mean spirited prig. I threw it out here because I’ve asked people in my life for perspective and I’ve received opinions ranging from “yes you are being self-righteous and mean spirited” to "“you’re better off paying people who are actively interested in providing for their families.” But you have collectively raised some very good points and this has given me better perspective.

He’s legitimately on disability and I know he has “bad days” and really could not handle working full time, or even working part time on someone else’s terms.

But his wife has told me many times how good he feels doing projects for other people and husband himself has often asked me when I’m ready to have my back deck built/replace the front window and various other tasks. As recently as Easter Sunday he pointed out to me that the weather was getting nicer so he could start on my deck as soon as I got the materials. Yet in the previous two weeks he turned down two little jobs - putting trim up around two doors in an empty rental house and cutting two pieces of exterior fascia to size in his shop, to be installed by someone else at a church. Both things that could be done leisurely and with nobody around. I also know of a large animal rescue who would pay for cat trees, feeding stations and such - things he could make in his shop out of reclaimed pallets and carpet scraps - and he’d be doing a good service, too. I’ve brought this up several times, but no. Yet at the same time they are almost penniless before every payday and using spare change to put gas in the car so wife can get to work. I can get him as many or as few of these sorts of jobs as he could handle, and it would tremendously benefit them financially, and I’d love to help. When wife told me on Easter she wishes they had enough gas money to go see the grandkids, I bit back commenting that her husband has turned down several little gig opportunities in the last few weeks and they’d probably HAVE the money if he hadn’t.

So it doesn’t make sense to me and frustrates me, but I suppose that’s mine to own, right? They are good people and good neighbors and not leeches at all (they might complain about being broke, but they live frugally and are too proud to ask for loans) so I guess he’ll be doing my lawn this year. And building my deck as soon as I come up with funds for the lumber.

19

It’s interesting and no nice complete answer comes to mind but in all honesty I think all motivation issues come down to two things. You need the right reason to motivate them to do something and they have to feel that they can do it. A failing in either of these makes someone impossible to motivate. It’s obvious really - if you don’t buy into the reason or think you simply can’t do it, you won’t try.

So on the reason front, I imagine that with people he is in closer relationships with he feels that sense of doing a friend a favor. So I would emphasize that with any work I offered him - the other party’s need for his assistance. Much though he’d like the money it isn’t sufficient incentive.

In terms of his capacity to perform, he seems to already have a good track record. I’d ask him, “How would you build these cat trees? Where would you get the materials? Would they be like…” Get him to actively acknowledge his capacity to do it.

I hope this doesn’t sound simplistic, but in all honesty I have found that all motivational issues boil down to these two things. You just have to try to find the right reason and the right task - one that the person can achieve.

20

Interesting point about motivation, don’t ask. I think it ties in with jragon’s point in post #2, although it’s illogical since most of my clients are well-off:

Oh and I missed the edit window earlier - want to add that I have no problem at all paying people on any form of assistance, that wasn’t my point. My point was that is IS extremely capable of doing odd jobs and handyman type stuff, since he often does it for neighbors (often for free) and has done some beautiful work fixing up his own house. So I find it odd that he won’t take on little paying projects to help the household. I’m aware that he can legally make x amount of money without it affecting his disability payments.

But my finding it odd, as I said earlier, is mine to own. I’m not going to be a bitch about it by insisting that people who don’t act as I think they ought to should be punished, somehow. Which I now realise is how I was approaching this in my OP.