Yesterday afternoon my husband noticed our elderly neighbor across the street trying to hang an exterior door (on his house) by himself. The neighbor, I’ll call him Mr. J, has a grown son that lives 1/2 mile away but doesn’t do much to help his dad. Hubby tells me he’s going over to help Mr. J with the door. How nice, I think to myself. Hubby was over there for a couple of hours. I saw him come and get various tools from our garage and also a piece of leftover trim and some shims we had. He comes home and tells me it’s all done except for some finishing that Mr. J should be able to do on his own. I gave him the necessary praise. Then, after an hour or so, he says to me, “you know, you’d think after all of the work I did over there he would have offered to pay me.” I was kind of shocked and said, “you did that to help him out, it was a good deed”. His response was, “I know, but I even gave him some of my materials (trim & shims). If someone helped me like that, I would offer them something. It’s not that I want to be paid, but in my opinion, that’s something that should be offered. Most people would offer something.” We went around and around with that. I never made any headway and ran out of things to say on the subject. I know if Mr. J had offered something, my husband would have said, “no, that’s ok”. He just thought it should be offered.
So, what’s your opinion? Would you expect to be compensated in some way? Would you offer compensation if someone helped you out like that?
I’d expect an offer. If someone helped me that much, I would certainly offer, and if refused I would do something for that person (bake a cake, buy a case of beer, whatever might seem appropriate). Is he saying the guy didn’t express any gratitude at all or just didn’t offer any repayment?
I’d like to know if Mr. J offered any praise or thanks for your husband’s help. I think in most cases, that would be sufficient to assuage a longing to be appreciated. If not, then I can see where your husband might be a little disappointed.
If I offered to help a neighbor on my own, then no, I wouldn’t expect any compensation. I wouldn’t even care if they did or did not offer any. I wouldn’t help out with feelings of “expect something in return”. However, if someone helped me, I would offer compensation, even if it was only free beer or pizza or something.
I don’t disagree that it would be fairly standard for the neighbor to offer something like a beer or buying a burger for your husband, which he could turn down. But if I would cut the neighbor some slack if he really is struggling elderly, rather than just older.
I do think your husband making an issue about it is misdirected. He wasn’t asked to go over there, he volunteered.
You know, I didn’t ask him if Mr. J thanked him verbally or not. I’m assuming he did. He’s not “struggling” monetarily at all. He’s probably in his late 70’s so the usual struggles that an elderly person would have. But he cuts his own grass (rider) and snow blows. (My husband has helped him shovel after a heavy snow many times too) Hanging an exterior door by yourself at any age would be a struggle.
To be clear, my husband wouldn’t have accepted payment, but just thought that most people would offer. He was surprised by not being offered anything.
Offer something or for the neighbor to pay it forward to his skills and ability would be nice.
Offering to help with a expectation of compensation is OK, but not praiseworthy.
I think you should let him know you offered the praise in the spirit that his help and material freely given, but once it was done expecting compensation, he has already got his reward for his job. He entered into a contract in his mind where he offered labor for voluntarily compensation that the neighbor can decide on, and got it, his neighbor volunteered zero to him. Contract fulfilled. No need for praise as it was a contract your husband accepted.
I would also refer him to the teachings of Lord Jesus on this.
I helped my next door neighbour rebuild the steps on his deck last year, or more correctly he helped me
In the course of this, my crappy 20 year old circular saw gave up the ghost. My neighbour offered too buy me a new one, which I declined. Afterwards he did bring me over a great winter jacket that his company makes. I certainly didn’t expect anything for helping him, but it was appreciated.
If I am doing a project on my own it’s because I have no intentions of paying someone else to do it. If someone comes to help me, I will shower them with thanks and let them know they helped me save money - but I would never offer to pay them for their help.
In my neighborhood, people often return favors on an “in-kind” sort of unspoken arrangement.
If my neighbor goes on vacation in July, he may ask me to water his plants on the porch, patio, or in the yard.
When I go on vacation in August, he’s happy to return the favor, no questions asked.
Likewise, in the winter, if one neighbor has the snow blower out, he might make a pass or two to clear the sidewalk in front of my house, and another time I would clear his.
If someone helps me I offer profuse thanks and ask if I can do something for them in return.
On the other hand, when I volunteer to help someone thanks and offers of compensation are nice, but I do not expect them, nor am I hurt when they aren’t offered.
In your husband’s shoes I would have told Mr J, “Looks like you need help with that door. Would you like to borrow my phone to call your son?”. I would not have expected anything in return.
He shouldn’t expect payment, but probably beer or food as a kind of appreciation. If J asked him to help, then possibly, but not when your H went over there on his own. If your H was a carpenter by trade, then maybe also then he might expect payment.
One other thing to consider is that J may have wanted to do the task on his own. I’m an introvert who does a lot of my own home repairs and I don’t like when a neighbor offers to help. I like being able to think through a problem on my own time and not have to deal with someone else as I’m trying to figure things out. I’ve replaced a few exterior doors and it can be done by a single person. OTOH, I like helping neighbors and have often helped them with hard stuff like digging fence posts and cutting down trees without expecting anything in return.
I have a bunch of old trim and shims in my garage (along with a lot of other scraps). I wouldn’t expect people to pay me for that since I’m likely to throw it away anyway the next time the city does a bulk trash pickup.
An offer of payment would have been appropriate if the OP’s husband does things like this as his profession and the neighbor knows that. Otherwise all that is legitimately expected is thanks.
I don’t think the OP’s husband expected payment, or did it with the expectation of payment. But I too would be surprised if after 2 hours +, including tools and materials, the neighbor didn’t offer something- money, dinner, return favor etc. I would have declined and been touched by the suggestions, but it seems like a common enough social nicety that I would have noticed if it was neglected.
I wouldn’t regret having done the favor, and I wouldn’t say something to the neighbor, but it would have been something I would have noted and mentioned privately to someone close.
Any expectation beyond being thanked is misguided in my mind. Are you offering a kindness? Or creating an obligation? If it’s the first, you should have zero expectation of ANY return, praise, glory, beer or cash included. If it’s the second, you’re doing it wrong.
This issue wasn’t the result of the neighbours inaction, but entirely by the husband’s expectation.
Personally, I don’t expect payment for helping my neighbors. I don’t even expect a thank you. Anything they do give is appreciated, just not expected. Neighbors pay for all of the pieces and parts of their projects. I’ll do carpentry, electrical, plumbing, landscaping, simple auto repairs, etc. and I’ll bring my own tools. I do, however, expect people to replace anything they borrow and then damage or break.
In your case, it seems that your husband had been helping Mr. J in the past (shoveling snow). What protocol had been established? A silent “tip of the hat” type of thanks? A handshake? One of those creepy hugs people seem to be so fond of dowling out lately? An offer of cash, baked good, or a “let me know if you ever need my help” kind of thanks?
This door-hanging only occured yesterday. Mr. J still has time to do something nice for you guys. Maybe an extra large carmel apple in your trick-or-treat bags? Or a hanging plant?
