We had a similar thing happen recently. A relative of a friend needed a place to stay and friend asked us if we could let them stay in our home. We had to postpone our plans to go to our lakehouse to accommodate her, but okay, our friend was undergoing a medical crisis and wanted her family there, so what to do? We have plenty of room, mind you, but my husband and I spent several hours cleaning on our day off because we normally don’t keep our home guest ready.
Anyway, the guest and our two grown children all showed up around dinner time. We asked if anyone had eaten dinner yet, and of course no one had. So we ended up ordering carryout from our on-site restaurant (country club neighborhood). Everyone picked their own meal.
After guest left the next morning (after eating breakfast that my husband made), my husband mentioned that he found it odd that the guest hadn’t offered to pay for her own dinner, even though he would have refused to accept it. He’s a very generous man, but I think that the sum of all parts made him feel a tad taken advantage of.
So, yes, I see both sides. And I, personally, always offer something up, even if it’s a case of beer, for someone who helps me out of the kindness of their heart.
IMHO, if you would have turned down payment had it been offered, then you are being disingenuous to criticize someone for not offering it. The lack of offer just means both parties are on the same page.
It wouldn’t even occur to me to offer to pay a neighbor who offered his time, help, tools, or (minor) materials without my request.
The proper way to “repay” kindness like that is with an offer of help in the future, or other unspecified friendly ways.
Like, I’d maybe offer to cut the neighbor’s lawn next time I’m out with the mower, or see if he likes salsa verde, and bring over a jar next time I make some.
Paying at the time of service reduces a friendly interaction into a transactional relationship. Expecting it when you offer your help is kind of a bait and switch.
In that situation offering direct cash payment is awkward. Your husband could just have easily been the type of guy to get offended by the thought of being paid when he’s trying to do a favour as, (as it happens to be here), being offended by not even offering. Mr J had no way of knowing which way the offenceometer would fall. Hopefully, if he is ever in a position to do you a favour he will, and also expect no payment.
Hell yes. There’ve been a few times over the years where I’ve done a good deed and been offered cash in return - and it just makes the whole thing feel icky, IMHO.
Nah, the way someone should say ‘thanks’ is by offering something else. Offer them a beer, drop off some baked goods, something like that.
But what should the doer of the good deed expect? The satisfaction of having done a good deed. Just because the recipient of the good deed should do something in return that doesn’t involve cash, doesn’t mean the doer has the right to expect it.
I think it is weird to offer to help a neighbor and then be offended that no payment was offered. If some expensive material had been involved I might feel differently, but certainly not for scraps. I think accepting help from a neighbor does create an obligation, but it is to try to return the favor at the right opportunity.
I cannot imagine expecting to be offered payment. In fact, I would probably be mildly offended if my neighbor actually offered to pay me for helping out. Especially if he was offering to pay me for my time. If he offered to reimburse me for supplies, that would be fine, but since they would likely be leftover from another project, I would decline.
If someone came over and helped me with a project like that, I would probably bake cookies or bread or something to thank them, but I would never offer payment.
What about when the tables were turned? When a friend or stranger helps your husband, does he offer anything?
My feeling is that I don’t expect to be compensated for helping because one day my neighbor will help me out. One day I help him put up some siding, some other day he helps me cut down a tree. If he compensated me for helping him, I would feel like the transaction is complete between us. Then when I needed help removing a tree later, I’d have to compensate him in some way. I’d rather he “compensate” me by helping me in the future.
This goes for helping strangers as well. Unless I actually had to purchase something significant for the stranger, I wouldn’t want to be compensated. So if they need a jump and I have to go to the store to buy cables, I’d expect to be reimbursed for the cables (and I’d give the cables to them, of course). But if I had the cables already, I wouldn’t want them to compensate me for giving their car a jump.
My brother is a very smart man and a very successful businessman. And he’s totally clueless when it comes to tools and any job that requires their use. When we were kids, I was the one who fixed our bikes because he hadn’t a clue how to do it himself. (Neither did I, but I figured it out.)
My point is, his son might have been more of a liability than an asset. Not all men possess the DIY gene. Or the neighbor might be like my FIL - he’d rather to it himself, but he’s too nice to refuse an offer of help, even if it slows him down.
I would be offended if I offered help to someone and they offered to pay me when it was over. Ick! Am I supposed to specify an amount so we can start negotiations? I would also be pissed if I was minding my own business in my own yard and some guy came over, acted all friendly, offered a hand on my project then expected payment afterward. That’s the kind of neighbor I would avoid.
As I get older, I find that I receive a strange sort of inner joy from doing good deeds…
When I was younger, I still performed good deeds, but somewhere deep inside I always hoped to hear a “thank you” or even get offer of payment {which I always refused}.
Now that I’m in my 50’s, I find myself being actually driven in some sort of strange way to help out my fellow man whenever I can. That little voice inside of me that hoped for a “thank you” or even money is now completely silent…
The husband didn’t want compensation. What he wanted was the courtesy of the offer. The offer represented good manners. It does not have to be a quid-pro-quo but it’s an acknowledgement of someone’s time and effort.
I use to help an elderly lady years ago keep her house from falling over. she and her husband did the best they could to keep it up but it appeared they lived a frugal lifestyle. She insisted on compensating me with food. The food represented her labor. I accepted a few times to be gratuitous about it. That’s also good manners. It allows the person their pride.