I’m having some work done on the wall around the house, and the bobcat had to run up and down the neighbor’s driveway. I got their permission. They are an OLD Chinese couple. Her English is decent, his is none.
We get along quite well, but we don’t see each other very often. Friendly, not friends.
The Bobcat “rolled” about 6 inches at the edge of their driveway. Damage is minor, but obvious. This was expected and I budgeted to have it repaired.
I’m having my driveway repaved as part of the project, and the guy doing the work gave me a very good price to cut out a 2 foot strip of the neighbor’s driveway and replace it. It’s probably worth noting that the neighbor’s driveway is within 5 years of needing replacement.
I spoke to the wife today, and she insisted “we don’t need your money.” I think she’s taking it as an act of charity, but I keep trying to explain that I feel an obligation to restore things to how I found them. She doesn’t seem indignant, but it’s hard to know where she’s really coming from. Throughout the work they’ve been as friendly and accommodating as can be. I sent them a thank you edible arrangement after the equipment was gone.
What would you do? Press the issue? Let it go? Obviously I can’t force them to take the repair but I want to do the right thing (and honestly, the guy is giving me a great price on it; just a few hundred bucks since he will be doing my driveway anyway).
I’d give them the choice. Tell them your guy will charge you $XXX to repair the damage. They can accept that, but if they do not want your guy working on their driveway, you are perfectly happy giving them the $XXX directly.
I wonder if there’s a cultural aspect going on. I know sometimes a gift is not just a gift and the recipient is expected to reciprocate in some way. Perhaps she might not want to feel indebted to you in that way.
I personally don’t want to have close relationships with my neighbors and tend to take care of things like this myself to avoid having a closer relationship with them. Like when the neighbors had to tear up my lawn to get at the water main in my yard to install their sprinklers, I fixed the lawn damage myself even though they offered to have it fixed. The driveway damage seems more involved than that, but I might still prefer to just deal with it myself rather than have my neighbor fix my driveway. I value having a more impersonal relationship with my neighbors over relatively minor expenses to get things fixed. If my neighbor insisted over my objections, I would feel uncomfortable and likely just give in to end the encounter.
Speaking as a Chinese American, old Chinese people, especially those who were born in China, have a deeply ingrained “don’t rock the boat” mindset, particularly with “foreigners.”
How this affects your approach to the driveway situation, I don’t think they’ll ever accept money directly. I would just leave it alone. You spoke to them once already, and she insisted they didn’t want your money, so I’d believe them.
Thanks for the on-point perspective. Having read what you posted, I am reminded that she mentioned a couple of times that they are good neighbors. I wrote it off as the construct of non-native English, but maybe she meant just that.
I would also take this incident as a reminder that asking these particular people for permission to drive a destructive vehicle over their property was a pretty big ask, and in the future know that they’re not going to draw very good boundaries.
It’s not a criticism - there was no way to know. I think you did everything you could have.
We had to put in a new sewer line at our old house, while we were on vacation, and we asked the neighbors for permission for the truck to be on their driveway. “Oh, sure, no problem!”We got a call in Costa Rica from the workers who said the neighbors were refusing access. No warning given to us at all. So a few months later when they rented a bus to haul all their asshole friends to the Indy 500 and the bus was 6 inches on my property, I called the cops. They had to park it a few blocks away.
Firstly, I agree with the advice to the OP to just let it drop. You made it clear that you were willing to do the repair, and they politely refused. Not much more you can do.
As for the above, I don’t blame you. I get furious when someone parks on the street too close to my driveway entrance. I feel they should be at least five feet away, or it makes getting in and out more difficult.
The other side of that coin is that one day when my next door neighbour was getting some construction done, the crew parked a big trailer carrying heavy equipment directly across my driveway entrance, making it impossible for me to get out at all. It was there for the entire freaking day. But the thing is, these neighbours are the nicest people you could imagine, and I’m sure they had no idea these assholes were going to do this or for sure they would have asked permission. I could also see that this trailer was so long that there was really no place for them to put it without blocking someone’s driveway(s). But I had nowhere to go that day anyway so I put up with it only because these really are good neighbours. If they were assholes I’d have been out there in an instant demanding that their workmen move their goddam contraption or I would call the cops, and where they put it was their problem. The cooperation of good neighbours is about a zillion times better than petty warfare.
They are elderly Chinese and sound like immigrants. Of course, they don’t want to rock the boat as DCnDC wrote above.
Being Chinese they also MUST insist it is no big deal, don’t want your money (“we are not poor ya know”), etc. A lot of cultural aspects at play here.
My suggestion is to be full American on them. “Look, I have a contractor that agreed to do it for $xxx, I’d be happy to either have that done or give you the money for your trouble.”
Then they will refuse.
THEN you mix it up and send a fruit basket, bottle of wine or some homemade goods their way. AND you know you “owe” them a favor should it ever be asked (and prolly will never be).
Thanks for all the thoughts. I will take the advice, even though walking away from something I caused really bothers me.
I’ll be the first to admit I know little about Chinese culture, and on the occasions when we chat I’ve been a little surprised at how casually they criticize their adult children. One, the male, has apparently never had a job in his life and spends all day playing video games. 30s would be my guess.
The other, the female, is married and “we thought she was out, but now she is back.” (She recently moved back in).
LOL Yeah, they may very well hate what you’ve done to their driveway, and they may even want the money, but they will never, ever, say it to you. If they hate it, they’ll just bitch to each other in private. You yourself will never hear another word about it.
But don’t let that bother you. Aside from learning Mandarin and spying on them, there’s no way for you to possibly know, and that is very much intentional. As far as they’re concerned, they’ve been, in their eyes, good neighbors. Just continue to be nice to them in the future and if they ever do anything to piss you off, give them a couple of mulligans.
When you asked them for permission, did you tell them “Driving the Bobcat down your driveway is going to tear up the side of the driveway”? If so, why didn’t you also tell them then, “…but I will pay my contractor to repair the damage”? Then, you could have gotten permission for everything all at once and you wouldn’t have to deal with being the bad neighbor.
What would I do? I would insist on fixing the damage and I would never ask that neighbor for another thing again for the rest of my life if there were any way of avoiding it. I would also continue to do nice things for them, like dropping off fruit (oranges at Lunar New Year are indeed a great choice.)
Late to this discussion and just spitballing here… but is there any possibility that their personal/cultural etiquette protocols require them to graciously turn down your offer of repair/restitution a certain number of times before they can accept? IOW you are expected to ask a couple more times and THEN they can drop their protestations and let you either fix the driveway or give them the money? What about if you donate the money to an organization they support?
In my opinion, keeping on good terms with your neighbors is essential to peace of mind. Even if you have to bend over backwards, jump through unfamiliar hoops, and otherwise contort yourself to do it.
Would the daughter be able to shed any light on this? (If you happen to see her outside-- I definitely would not call her or knock on the door or anything.)
Maybe someone here who is from a Chinese family or familiar with Chinese customs can weigh in. Again.
An example of this protocol (sort of) is that when someone is seeking conversion to Judaism, traditionally, the rabbi is supposed to turn the prospective convert down three times before agreeing to give instruction.
If the son & daughter are both there, is there any way to go through them (without insulting the parents)? (Also spitballing)? Or letting them know that your guy can do their driveway for $XX instead of $XXX (the normal price) since he’s already there doing yours and letting them pay - so they’re not taking your money, but they are taking your discount?
Wouldn’t plywood dramatically protect the driveway from weight-induced damage ?
Anything we’ve ever had done on our house included a disclaimer in the contract that the contractor wasn’t responsible for damage done to the driveway by their equipment.
Really ?
We can put a Bezos in space (arguably), but … we can’t reasonably solve this – particularly for relatively quick jobs ?
They used these heavy composite mats under the bobcat both along the neighbor’s driveway and the sidewalk (the city is a real pain). However, once the old wall was removed that eliminated the material that was supporting the driveway (and sidewalk) edge. The sidewalk cracked in a couple places and the driveway, being asphalt, rolled.
I wondered about this, too. I remember a story about someone reminiscing about their youth in the Midwest. On summer evenings when it was starting to cool off some people would stroll around the neighborhood, some would be sitting on their porch and pleasantries would be exchanged, but it was understood that it was the 2nd invitation to come up and sit that was the real invitation.
Not my relatives. They’re required to graciously turn down your offer for ever. I’m required to find a way to circumvent their gracious refusals. (Because they’re relatives of my wife, they get to feel graciously superior about having won the battle. I’ve read about people who feel cheated and angry when they win, but that’s not my personal experience.)
I’m tempted to say: Just have the guys repair it. And when the neighbors look to you in askance, just say: “Aww man, I TOLD them to leave it alone! Boy, I’m sure gonna give them a piece of my mind!”
But that’s probably some shady advice you shouldn’t follow.
