"I'm telling you to get it off my chest." "Thanks, now I feel rotten".

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A friend/neighbour of mine will usually say how she feels about something I have done or said. Especially when it is negative. She does that because: “it clears the air” and “otherwise she is stuck with that feeling and if she tells me, she gets it off her chest”.

An example? We agreed to repace our old front doors together so they would match. That project, as most non-urgent projects, had been dormant for five months, when some damage to our own front door yesterday got me to blow new life into it.

So I sent her (and our mutual husbands) an quick e-mail with six images of doors that had been the mutual selection five months ago, that I had pasted and copied into the picture of our home, and asked everyone to list three favourites. She responded, and justly so, by reminding me that she had subjected another door all those months ago that I hadn’t put in my selection because I had forgotten, and also reminding me that I had promised to make a few images with selected doors in other colours. (We had agreed that she would pick the color). All that was perfectly allright with me, and if she had left it at that request, I would have re-sent the e-mail with her door included and the other colors. No problem. All part of picking up a mutual project where we had left off.

But she added a few more lines to her e-mail, and that was where it went wrong, at least for me.

She said: “You leaving out those other doors made me feel like you didn’t listen to my contributions, and like you wanted to push your choice on us” .

Well, darn. Reading that made ME feel rotten. It isn’t nice to be called insensitive and pushy. Especially since I know I CAN be a little pushy, and not always that meticulous, especially when I feel I’m taking initiative for the common good and have to fight the usual inertia of such common projects, as well as my own inertia and lack of time. I had left a phase of the project in her care earlier, and she hadn’t finished it, so with mutual agreement I had taken charge again.

But the difference between me and her is that I wouldn’t, and won’t, reply with an emotional e-mail. Somehow I feel that telling someone that they made you feel bad is a veryheavy handed instrument. On the other hand, I know that for other people, it is a form of intimacy, intended to make the relationship better.
But for me, it is like getting a slap in my face and it makes me want to avoid her in the future.

So I don’t really know what to feel, or do about such an exchange. Is it just a diference in personal style? Is she wrong for bringing emotion into it? Was it something I could expect when I was a bit sloppy (quick and dirty) in reopening the project, and expecting my friends/neighbours to be assertive enough to remind me of what they wanted ?

Am I doling out emotional slaps-in-faces without ever using “I feel” remarks? Just by the way I act? I suppose so, but how do I remedy that?

2

Simple. Next time don’t involve the neighbors in your projects that way you can avoid things like this. Are your homes attached?

3

what - “never interact with your neighbors at all, and then they won’t have occasion to make negative remarks to you?”

well I guess that would work, but don’t you think it’s a bit OTT?

FWIW I would feel the same as you Maastricht, I hate that shit. But that may be just being emotion-avoidant too

4

No. I meant don’t involve others with your own home inprovement projects. That way you can choose the door you like and not have to deal with all the bullshit.

5

Well, there’s always the bland and hollow apology, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which I normally wouldn’t recommend, but seems nearly perfect for this situation.

Isn’t there that school of communication that suggests one starts their grievance with “I feel xxx” instead of “you did something that bothered me”? Feels all passive aggressive to me. It’s right up there with someone saying something nasty and then saying “ha ha, just kidding”

Now that you’ve recognized the pattern and her emotional manipulation for what it is, you’re in a better position to not get sucked into it. Just send her the choices she wanted and move on. If it makes you feel better you could add an totally insincere and breezy 'I’m so glad we cleared the air about this matter"

6

You and your neighbor have mutual husbands? Wow, that’s much more interesting than the front doors.

7

Yes. These are the old doors. Here are some of the alternatives.

8

Isn’t it? :slight_smile: No, I mean I sent the choices to her husband as well as mine. Sloppy word use. Again. Even in a thread where I am lamenting how my sloppiness got me into trouble.

I talked to my friend, the neighbours husband. He told me not to sweat it. "You are like you are, she is like she is, and by writing that e-mail to you she (neighbour) is totally okay again. " Which helped, believe it or not. For me, emotions are a much more serious matter and I assumed -wrongly- that such an e-mail meant deep and lasting trouble. Now, of course, it is my problem how to deal in the future with such sharing. But at least I know what to do now: don’t let it get to me. Still easier said then done.

9

I’d go with self-flagellation in front of her house. And to be clear, post a sign next to you that says, “I’m sorry (your neighbor’s name here)”.

Plan B would be to nuke her from orbit, but then you’d have to replace your door. Again.

10

Ok, so that deals with this one instance. Then what about the actual underlying problem which is the subject of the thread?

Glad your conversation with the husband was helpful, Maastricht

11

Aspidistra thanks, and yes, the underlying general problem is more interesting. For some people, getting an emotion of their chest indeed clears the air; for others, it is a very heavyhanded thing that worsens the relationship. Knowing what type one is and what type of person one deals with, helps. But what are the “shoulds” in this situation?

12

Sometimes all you can do is consider the source. Some people are clueless, some are deliberately antagonistic, some slip up from time to time or under duress. If you can identify the speaker’s motivation or intentions, maybe you can learn to modify your reaction. Maybe you need to “clear the air” with her?? I don’t know. I’m affected far too much by what some people say and I just try to let it go.

13

I doubt if there are “shoulds” - just a case of different personality types. It helps to know what type you are and why, of course.

I know why I’m the way I am - it’s because in my childhood “You did X and now I feel bad” was like the ultimate win card - it didn’t really matter what X was, and whether I thought I was justified in doing it. And I couldn’t counter with with “well when you say you feel bad then I feel bad” because … well, I don’t know really. There was an unwritten rule about it. I was very heavily invested in making people Not Feel Bad, because negative emotions didn’t seem to ever come in mild strength, it was “nuclear” or “not at all”

Which all, I guess, equates to if somebody is using the I feel card “too often” (whatever “too often” is in your case) but don’t really mean it like you would mean it then I guess you just got to deal. But you don’t have to LIKE it.

14

If, several months ago, she asked you to include her selections and color choices in your pick list, and you failed to do that, then it sounds like it was you who dropped the ball, not her. Yes, she could have followed up with you, but it sounds like she went to a lot of time and trouble to provide alternate styles and color choices, and you completely disregarded her.

Later, when it became a priority for you and you decided to resurrect the project, you dismissed her input entirely under the guise that you are “not meticulous.” Assuming that you had truly forgotten her feedback, there’s no excuse for not giving your neighbors an opportunity to provide feedback before asking them to choose from your list of favorites.

She responded in a very rational way, without hysteria or drama, that she finds your behavior to be both pushy and dismissive. And I think that she’s perfectly justified.

If it makes you feel “bad” to be chastised about your own failings, then perhaps that is your conscience telling you that you mucked up. Now go apologize to your neighbors for being dismissive and pushy and get the door replaced already.

15

I think the neighbor has found a way to disguise a ‘you statement’ as an ‘I feel’ statement.
“…you didn’t listen to my contributions, and like you wanted to push your choice on us.”

Her phrasing assumes bad intent on your part. Is she generally a bit clumsy in communicating?

16

I don’t think there’s any shoulds, and that her husband is right: that’s just her way, and it’s not your way. But I also think most people are not going to react well to that kind of statement (the kind she made). My guess is she feels like a doormat if she doesn’t make her feelings and preferences known, so she says something so that she doesn’t feel that way. Now that she said something, she is probably OK.

17

Come on, touch me Babe.

(Bad Doors Joke) :slight_smile:

18

Seems to me, part of the problem is that this was done via email. If the four of your were sitting together you could have laid out your choices and she could have quickly added in hers and that would have been the end of it. Instead, she had time to read in to it and stew over it and decide what you must have been thinking when you wrote the email etc…
Anyways, I know this is just one example so we don’t have to beat it to death. My guess is that if you were to ask her husband she’s probably always like this (not that he would necessarily tell you, since that might be betraying her trust). I’d be willing to bet there are plenty of times were someone does something that the rest of the world wouldn’t think twice about and she’s getting worked up about it. Times where she’s writing an email or dialing the phone and he’s silently rolling his eyes and thinking “OMG just let it go”.
Unfortunately, if she’s one of these people, there’s not much you can do about it as anything you try to do may just get her more worked up. If she’s not one of those people you might have some luck by confronting her face to face. For example, when I read the email she sent you, the first thing I thought was that the best course of action would have been to march your ass over there, knock on her door and say (nicely) “I didn’t do that on purpose, it’s been 5 months since we talked about this so I just didn’t remember everything. Why don’t you print out all your ideas and I’ll print out mine blah blah blah”

Also, when I read your thread title, my thought was the next time she “get’s something off her chest” your response should be "Now, I need to ‘get something off my chest’ I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and it makes me feel like crap when you imply that I did this on purpose’…adjusted to fit your needs, of course.

Oh, one more thing. When the husband said “You are like you are, she is like she is, and by writing that e-mail to you she (neighbour) is totally okay again.” Well, it’s all well and good that she needs to blow off steam once in a while, but it’s not fair that you have to be her punching bag. If this happens on a regular basis I might start limiting my time with them.

19

So she was letting you know the effects of your way of doing things. If you don’t like them, work on yourself. It’s unlikely that avoiding her will improve your effect on others, or that she’s the only one besides you who’s ever noticed your tendencies.

Of course to the first, and on the contrary to the second. This practice is specifically cultivated in some circles to make it less accusatory. It’s not that Maastricht is a bad person, just that she’s pushy and not meticulous. She recognizes that herself; there’s little doubt that others see it.

The fact that others, like Maastricht herself, may be reluctant to talk about the emotional impact of interactions doesn’t mean that the impact isn’t happening.

Based on what’s here, I suspect that the neighbor is both right and doing Maastricht a favor.

However, I agree that e-mail–or really anything but direct face-to-face conversation–can be less than ideal for such delicacies. It’s much to easy to read a tone that isn’t intended.

20

It’s unnecessary to assume bad intent, especially with someone you’ll be interacting with frequently.