We were on good terms with our next door neighbor up until a few weeks ago. Not close, unsurprisingly, since we have very little in common. She’s in her late fifties, African American, church-going and conservative. We are in our thirties, white, liberal and not religious, but we were saying hi and making small talk whenever we saw each other, and keeping an eye on each other’s house, etc., until ‘the incident’.
She’s got a wood stove she’s been using this winter, and last month we were awakened at seven a.m. on a Saturday morning by a chainsaw right outside our bedroom window. Needless to say, we were irked. I called her and kind of blew up a little. I didn’t call her any names or anything, but when she said that that was the only time of day for that task that was convenient to her, I snarled something about it not being convenient to me.
And we haven’t spoken since. I would have apologized once I’d calmed down and tried to talk to her about it more politely. You know, something like, “sorry I was so short with you. I’m not at my best when I first wake up.” or “We have a chainsaw and Mr. McQ would not mind helping you out with that next time, if it can wait till midday.” But she’s been pointedly avoiding me, and I still don’t think I was wrong. We’ve never complained about her dog barking late at night, and if it had been some kind of emergency situation, we wouldn’t have said anything, but firewood? It’s not like it was freezing out and that was her only source of heat. Or even her only source of firewood.
We think it was very inconsiderate and wouldn’t have done it to her, and the way she’s reacting by giving us the cold shoulder makes me not want to apologize for my own rudeness.
Should I? I’m not friends with her, but I’m likely to live here a while longer and see her a lot. Bad feelings are just going to fester if I leave it alone, but I don’t know how to fix it or if I should even try, especially if I’m the only one who admits to doing anything wrong. :mad:
Absolutely. Sure, it was inconsiderate of her to use the chainsaw at 7 am–but it was inconsiderate of you to blow up at her. Offering the olive branch in this kind of circumstance really has no downside. In fact, I think you’d do well to offer it along with a plate of cookies or something. Then, when her guard is down, steal her chainsaw.
Well, I wouldn’t apologize, but you should go out of your way to run into her, smile and say good morning, or whatever. Let it be water under the bridge. You said your piece, she was irked (but I can’t imagine she’d do it again). Let it be done.
It’s hard to be know what you mean by “kind of blew up a little”. If you think you owe the woman an apology, you should give it. Whether or not she owes you one or gives you one is kind of beside the point.
If you think you behaved badly, apologize. If you don’t think you did, then don’t. But don’t act like her bad behavior excuses yours, because it doesn’t. An apology that’s contingent on someone else apologizing too is not a real apology – it says, in effect, “I’m sorry if you are, but if you aren’t then I’m not either.” There’s no way to offer that type of “apology.” It might well piss her off worse, since it isn’t really an apology at all.
So yeah, apologize if you can limit yourself to your own actions (“I’m sorry I was so short with you on the phone. It was early and I was tired.”) But don’t bother if the apology is just a springboard to bringing up her bad behavior again. (“I’m sorry I was so short with you on the phone, but if you hadn’t been running a chainsaw at an hour that most people are still sleeping . . . .”). That’s not saying you’re sorry; that’s rekindling the argument. IMO.
You might send her a card, with a note containing your comments from the OP. It’s a little more formal and conservative, which she might find more fitting. Maybe the “not having anything in common” aspect affects her as well – she doesn’t know a comfortable way to work this out face to face. After she gets the card, if she doesn’t respond or remains aloof, you’ve done your part.
Maybe I should send a card. It feels a little like I’ve let it wait too long. Or it could be that I’m even madder now because she’s been avoiding me. I was ready to say I was sorry and let it go, but with her acting this way it feels like I would practically be groveling for her forgiveness if I went out of my way to say I was sorry for a very mild blow-up. Damn. I should have called back that day or the next one, before things started escalating. Now it’s really awkward.
I have had a similar situation with one of my neighbors. We had all been friendly, then her dog attacked my friend’s 4 year old daughter and bit her, causing a visit to the emergency room. The hospital reported the bite and animal control came to our building and put their dog on house quarantine. My friend is a dog lover and not angry or vengeful, but she does want them to pay the hospital bills. They now want her to sign a waiver agreeing not to sue them. I’ve done my best to stay out of it, but things have been really awkward.
It’s been a couple of months now, and the other day when I saw her in the parking lot, we both smiled and nodded. I’m really glad it’s starting to blow over. The hard part is I really had nothing to apologize for. If she had come to me then things would have cleared up a lot sooner.
If your neighbor is actively avoiding you, then it will be impossible to make peace through casual contact. I’d suggest knocking on her door or writing her a note explaining that you regret speaking to her so harshly. She should come around unless she’s a real hater.
I don’t think the card is such a great idea. Any difficult human interaction is best handled in person, because it’s the richest form of communication. A card removes you from having to deal with whatever her reaction to your apology is, and moreover, puts the onus of renewed communication on her. You’ll feel you’ve done your part, but SHE still has to be the one to make the first in-person overature. That ain’t cool.
The next time you know she’s around, knock on her door. Offer her something neighborly – something home-baked, a bottle of wine, a bag of coffee, whatever – and tell her you’ve been feeling badly about how your conversation about the chainsaw went. I think it’s appropriate to say, “I am not at my best early in the morning, but I had no right to take that out on you.”
Important: NO "but"s that justify your behavior. As in, DO NOT say, “I’m sorry I snapped at you, but the chainsaw was really loud,” or anything that defends your part in the matter. Just apologize for how you handled it and tell her you miss feeling at ease around her. The rest is up to her.
I would apologize for the sake of keeping the level of tension down*. I, however, wouldn’t make the offer to help her cut wood in the apology. To me that sounds kinda like, “If you can’t do it right…” or somesuch thing that someone on a high horse would say.
*This sounds bad, but even if you don’t mean it, as long as she thinks you mean it that’s fine. Normally I wouldn’t say that, if you where never going to see her again (like if she was moving in the next month or two), I wouldn’t say that, but this is someone you have to see everyday, and trust me, be on non speaking terms with neighbors is awful. BTW it sounds like you ARE sorry and WANT to apologize, so this doesn’t really matter.
Don’t grovel, mail your apology, (steal the chainsaw) and move on with life.
I wouldn’t mail an apology. Go over with homemade cookies, apologize for yelling at her, and tell you you’ll compromise…you won’t yell at her any more if she doesn’t cut wood any more at 7 in the morning. Say it with a smile and I bet the whole thing blows over.
I agree with Beadalin. I have to say that some of the other suggestions would only piss me off worse, including getting a card rather than an in-person conversation, and getting an in-person conversation that including the conditions under which the person won’t yell at me anymore. But then I’m a Old Bat in the making, so take it FWIW.
The thing is that she may really honestly believe that she has to use the chainsaw at 7 in the morning. We’ve been having a lot of construction at our home recently, and we always made a point of contacting our next door neighbor in advance if we thought something would be happening early enough to bother her. Just ask your neighbor for the same courtesy: “The next time you need to use the chainsaw that early, would you mind letting us know in advance?” This way, your request isn’t overtly prohibitive, but it does highlight that her actions are inconsiderate and puts the responsibility on her to notify you the next time she considers doing something like that again.
I don’t understand why you feel like she’s being unreasonable in avoiding you. If it were me, even after you apologized I still wouldn’t go out of my way to talk to you again. Why couldn’t you have put on your robe and slippers and knocked on her door instead of calling and being nasty? Sure she should have notified you first, but maybe she didn’t know until early that morning herself or late the night before and was hoping you’d be more understanding. It isn’t as if she’s using a chainsaw everyday and if you have an issue with her dog you should bring it up instead of letting it fester.
Don’t appologize, but do find something new to talk about.
I had a similar situation in reverse. A guy was supposed to come various times during the week to fix the sign on our apartment building. But it kept raining and he couldn’t work until Sunday. So he is hammering on the stucco at 11am Sunday and my neighbor comes out in robe and slippers to complain to me that some people like to sleep in on Sunday.
Well, he is the kind of guy who keeps me up with his parties until 3am, and I never complain, but I can’t recall that at the time and he leaves still mad at me.
But the next week I tell him I spotted someone checking all the car doors on the street, trying to find one that was unlocked. I asked him if he’d seen anything suspicious, but he hadn’t. And bam, right then the prior friction was gone and behind us.
P.S. There was no one checking car doors. That was just my icebreaker.
I usually read entire threads before responding, but I’m going to jump right inm here.
Knock on her door (w/ or w/o a tangible peace offering).
When she answers, say something, like, “I wanted to try to clear things up before they go on too much longer. We’re neighbors and should be able live as such. I want to apologize for my part in this. I blew up at you and I’m sorry. I realize you have things you have to get done, but 7:00am is the only time I have to [catch up on my sleep] [sleep in]. I hope you can see why I reacted that way at the time.”
Then stop.
If I know older, black, church-going women (I had two for grandmothers), the next thing out of her mouth will be some acknowledgement of attrition, if not an outright apoplogy.
Don’t offer to do the woodcutting for her, unless you truly want to do it in kindness.
Face to face and don’t mention the chain saw. I’m gonna’ guess that your neighbor got the msg. that you like to sleep in on weekends. If she does it again, then you can approach her and try to find a compromise. I don’t care if I am in the wrong, it doesn’t justify someone being rude and angry, all they have to do is tell me what the problem is and, if I agree, I’ll apologize and avoid making the same mistake again.