If you frequently ask someone to give you a ride, what do/should you do in return?

In My Humble Opinion
1

If you were in a position where you had to ask someone to give you a ride to fairly frequently, like pretty much at least once a week, what would you feel like you should do in return?

Like, offer gas money? Or help in some other way, like, you mow their lawn or shovel their driveway when needed? Prepare dinner for them now and then? Anything? Nothing?

I’ve somehow ended up in this kind of relationship with one of my neighbors. She can drive, at least she did until a few months ago, the couple still has two cars that both still run. I’ve questioned her a little (trying not to make it feel like an interrogation) and she says she doesn’t have any physical problem and hasn’t lost her license or anything like that, she ‘just decided she never enjoyed driving and doesn’t want to do it any more.’

Well. I don’t think any of us find mundane driving a super pleasure all the time. It’s just something necessary for suburban life in this society, right?

Asking for a ride when there’s a real reason, like you won’t be able to drive home after some minor medical procedure. Or your car just won’t start. Or you need a ride to the airport for vacation and don’t want to pay a huge parking fee or have to haul luggage there on public transport. All understandable.

But calling on a neighbor to take you to the salon to get your hair done? Or browse the shops for a wedding present? Or just to ask them to go pick up your dry cleaning?? And all with your own car just sitting there in your driveway?

Doesn’t that seem, well, abusive? You don’t ‘enjoy’ driving, so you feel free to use someone else’s car, gas, and most important, time?

It also began to gripe me that she never offered ANYTHING in return. I mean, she says “Thanks” when she gets out of the car, but she’s never offered to help me out with some other task in return, or baked me a cake, or had flowers delivered, or ANYTHING.

So she called me Friday, wanting me to drive her to a dentist appointment today. It was just her six month checkup she said. And I said yes, stupidly. I have ‘pleaser’ tendencies. :frowning:

I then remembered I was fairly low on gas and noted I should take care of that this morning. But then I had a mean idea: No. I’d start on the trip and then “discover” on the way home I was low on gas and needed to fill up. I figured Mary (gotta call her something) would then say something like, “Oh, I should pay for this fill up! I owe you at least that much.” Right?

Spoiler: Nope.

That appointment ended up eating up over 3 hours of my time! 45 mins driving each way, of course she didn’t go to any of the dentists in our town, or even a close neighbor town. And her dentist was ‘delayed’ due to some emergency so nearly two hours sitting in the waiting room! Grrrrr.

So I’m already pretty POed. On the way home I did that ‘whoops, gas is way low’ and turned off for a station.

Mary said nothing.

Sat there staring into space while I pumped the gas. Continued staring off at the clouds while I opened the car door, and started deliberately fumbling in my purse. “Darn, can’t find anything in this mess. Where’s my wallet? Need my credit card…”

Reaction from her? “Oh, look in the bottom, they always hide there.” And that was it. She didn’t even look guilty or ill at ease or anything.

Guess what, lady? I know your numbers, both cell and home. I will NEVER answer a phone call from you again.

2

I am frankly amazed that, once you learned that she just didn’t like to drive, you didn’t just say “sorry, I’m busy” the first time she asked, and every time after. Wny did you go on driving her? And why should she offer something to you in return? You never asked and never told her you minded, did you? Personally, I think this is really all on you.

3

I can see how it would happen. If my neighbor asked for a ride somewhere and I was available, I would agree, no questions asked. I wouldn’t start resenting it, or wondering why she wasn’t driving herself, until the second or maybe third request. By then, a pattern has developed and it’s time to say no. But that would be a little uncomfortable for many. I’m too busy personally to get caught up in this being a regular thing, but I can see how it could. I would really resent doing this after a time or two, and paying for gas or buying me a nice bottle of booze wouldn’t fix it.

4

You’re being badly used, and you need to put a stop to it. I think your idea of simply not answering her calls anymore is fine. If she confronts you about it, I’d be forthright: “I’m sorry you don’t like to drive, but using my time and gas is not a solution. I hope you figure something out to get over your distaste of driving and doing your own errands. Good luck.”

I live alone and very occasionally need help with rides to the airport or a lift to and from a medical procedure that renders me unable to drive. I am fortunate to have good friends willing to fill this need. I make sure to always treat them to a meal, offer to pay for their gas and give them a gift to say thanks. Every time. I’d feel awful doing anything else.

5

How old is this couple?
Rather than just not answering, what about answering and saying you can’t this time? Or ask if it’s an emergency, and if not, decline. After a few rounds of that, they may get the message. And you don’t appear “unneighborly” this way, and that appearance may be useful in the future.

The total lack of reciprocity is astounding, and I understand your anger.

6

This neighbor is a user, and people like that home in on people like you who want to be nice to everyone. They never have any remorse, they don’t take anyone else’s time, resources, or feelings into account, and they usually get huffy if they’re called on it. It’s time for some boundaries, no matter how hard it is for you to set them.

I feel for you. I have always had a really hard time saying no, but for someone like that, I’d make the extra effort (to say no, of course, not to cater to her).

7

No is an often under used word.

Mary is using you for convenience.
Just tell her you feel used and was glad to help occasionally but not every week and not to another town for a dental that could happen when someone else could take her.

You’re right to feel outraged. IMO

8

I have a friend who I drive around on a pretty regular basis. But there are two major differences at work. My friend is disabled and can’t drive. And I generally drive her around when I’m in the area anyway so there’s no significant extra driving involved. But even with those differences, my friend has on numerous occasions offered to pay for a tank of gas or a meal (I generally say no).

9

Ugh. You’re right to be a bit rattled by this. It’s really sad all the way around. What you were doing was such a kindness, but her actions have proved yes, she is indeed a user. This sort of person makes the world a slightly worse place, because knowing such people exist, the person with actual need (and willingness to repay a kindness) is a tiny bit little less apt to ask for help, for fear someone else might think they’re taking advantage. Instead, they stay home and don’t get to the pharmacy for their pills, while your neighbor finds another free servant and gets her hair done again.

10

Takers don’t make givers want to give.

Save yourself … so you can be just as wonderful for the next – more deserving and appreciative – person.

11

Ass, gas, or grass! Don’t we all learn that?

Just kidding. I didn’t drive as a teenager, and it horrifies me now to think what a burden I must have been on my friends. I was truly oblivious.
Obviously that’s not what is happening here.

12

You spent three hours on her dental appointment? You’re right to be pissed, though I think you should be more direct with her rather than just ignoring her calls.

13

Grow a backbone and tell her “No.”

She’s taking advantage of you, and you are letting her.

14

If they ask you again, suggest public transportation, Uber, taxi, etc. Or, walk or ride a bicycle. I would’ve done that with the first request since none of them seem to be for things that require a ride.

15

My MIL has eye treatments every three months and she can’t drive home afterwards. In addition she’s given up her car because she wasn’t using it and it needs too much work to pass inspection.

She pays a woman from church to take her to her doctor’s appointments. It’s cheaper than a taxi, plus they chat the entire time. There was never the question that my MIL would get the rides for free, except when it was her own children providing taxi service.

She pays also for the person to wait for her, so she’s not just paying fuel costs.

16

Yep. Something like this. Prepare for it to be an uncomfortable conversation, but don’t let that deter you from having the conversation - just ready your expectations for some response or reaction that may be a further attempt to manipulate you into continuing - like suggestions that you are being unkind or that you are in the wrong for making it an issue or I thought we were friends etc.

It is not unkind to say no to stuff that is not good for you. You can be both kind, and firm.

(What I thought this thread was going to be)
I opened this thread thinking (because of the title) it would be from the passenger’s perspective - you know: I keep needing to ask this person for a ride and they always say yes, but now I feel like I am abusing their good will, so I will also answer that point.
If you think you might be leaning too hard on someone’s kindness, obviously the thing to do is have a frank discussion, making it very clear that you will not be offended by their honest views on whether the arrangement should continue or not, and if it does continue whether or not there should be some recompense for their expense and inconvenience. This is the conversation your neighbour should probably have done already.

17

Now you’re in the unenviable position of having to object without losing your cool and coming off as the unreasonable one. Gotta nip that shit in the bud.

18

Next time she asks for a ride, can’t you just say you’re busy? If she asks again, say you’re busy again. If she asks when you won’t be busy, say you’ll get back to her on that, and don’t. If she asks what you’re busy with, say “stuff”, and if she asks what stuff, say “personal stuff.”

In other words, be an asshole. It works.

19

People like Mary are very skilled at finding doormats. Do not be a doormat.

20

My mother started making excuses like this, but in reality she was starting to get dementia and probably should not have been behind the wheel at all. There is a good possibility that there is something going on with your neighbor that she doesn’t want to admit to, possibly even to herself.

Yes. Possible reasons aside, she still is taking advantage of you.

Agreed.