"If people are giving you a ride, you should always wait for them".. riiiiiiight!

The BBQ Pit
1

After reading this thread, it reminded me of what my mother always says to me: “If people are giving you a ride, you should always wait for them!” Somehow, I’m not too sure I agree with that one. I agree that you should wait for people who are giving you a ride IF you are on a tight schedule or something, and having to wait for the person who you are giving the ride to will seriously screw up your schedule. But seriously, how often does that happen? Will having to wait a few minutes (five, at most) really put a crimp in your schedule, most times?

On the other hand, what if the person giving you the ride is always late? I asked this of my mother, and got this in reply: “Well, they can be late if they’re giving you a ride. But you can’t be late if they’re giving you a ride.” And why was this? “Because then they’d have to wait for you if you’re late, and they’re the ones doing you a favor, so they shouldn’t have to wait for you.”

So what about my having to wait for the people giving me a ride if they’re late? “Oh, it doesn’t matter. Their time is important to them, and if they have to get things done on the way to your place, that’s okay. But you can’t make them wait for you because their time is important to them.” :confused: Forgive me if I’m being obtuse here, but that almost sounds like a double standard.

In fact, my mom is almost always a few minutes late (at least) picking me up to go somewhere. She claims it’s because she’s so busy, and has so many things to do that she can’t ever get out of the house on time. To be fair, she is busy with a lot of things to do and such, but if she said she’d be at my place in 10 minutes, then she’d better damn well be there in 10-12 minutes! (I like being punctual, as far as is possible) Unless, of course, there are circumstances beyond her control, like a huge traffic jam or something. Then she better apologize, which she never does when she’s late. (my friends do, and sometimes my brother does)

If there’s traffic problems or something, then that’s perfectly understandable. But there was this one time that she was 15 minutes later than the time she said she’d be, and gave traffic as an excuse. I happened to get into the car as soon as the traffic report was on, and there was nothing but the usual high volume for that time of day. (mid-afternoon)

I really don’t understand her rationale. In fact, I don’t really agree with her on this point at all. I was talking about this to lel on IM recently, and she said that it demeaned the person to whom you were giving the ride. I’m not sure I’d go THAT far, but it certainly comes pretty close.

Luckily, my friends don’t expect me to wait for them whenever they give me a ride. Of course, I’m more-or-less ready by the time they come to pick me up, but that doesn’t mean I have to be outside my apartment actually waiting for them, unless we were in a real hurry to get somewhere or something.

I’m not suggesting that everyone be on time when they pick me up, and I’m certainly not saying that I blow a gasket every time someone is late picking me up. (I don’t) All I’m asking is that my mother be reasonably on time when she picks me up. Oh, and don’t expect me to wait for you every time… my time is important to me, and I may not be on time simply because of that fact.

Or am I being totally out of line here? Should I just simply suck it up and continue to wait for her (as opposed to having her buzz me when she’s here) when she gives me rides to places? I’m sure my mom thinks that since I’m waiting for her in my apartment, I’m not really doing anything of importance in her eyes, and can therefore wait outside like someone who should be eternally grateful for being done this huge favor. :rolleyes: Not that I don’t appreciate it (I do), it’s just that I don’t like being made to feel like my time is not important to me.

I should mention that my father thinks liek this, also. Since my sister wants to be like our mom in every way possible (and somehow misses her whenever she’s out of her sight for even five minutes), of course she thinks like this. In her opinion, Mom’s always right, and can almost never be wrong. Whatever!

That’s only one of my issues with her; thanks for letting me vent. I don’t expect any replies to this, but it would be nice if someone could commiserate or something.

2

Hmm…

At first I took what your mother said to mean that if someone is doing you a favour by giving you a ride, you should not inconvenience them by not being ready when they get there. That is totally reasonable.

However, making you wait outside is, IMHO, incredibly rude. It’s the same concept as a boy who pulls into the driveway and honks for his date. I doubt your mother would have approved of that when you were a teenager, correct?

As far as your family always being late, that is something I can forgive if the tardy person is sorry. I don’t tend to forgive anyone who upsets me and doesn’t even care they’ve done so. Even if your family thinks their tardiness is ok, the least they could do is apologize for making you feel that they think your time is unimportant.

3

I have not owned a car in fifteen years or so, and live and work in a place where bus travel is absurdly unreliable, when it is available at all. Because of these things, I am often in the position where I need a ride, and have to wait often for someone who is driving me home.

What I have learned is this. If I am not willing to wait an hour for the person who is picking me up, I tell them, “If I am not there, don’t wait, I will make other plans, but thank you anyway.” Of course this means that I cannot be late, even a moment, because the person will leave, believing that I have gone without them. I will wait, or call, or find the person, if we agreed that they would give me a ride, and I did not tell them otherwise. Now, at times, I simply tell someone, no, thank you, for the simple reason that I know they will be late, and I don’t want to sit for an indeterminate length of time, not knowing if they are late, or simply forgot.

But, I am the one who needs a ride. I don’t expect anyone to wait for me, unless they specifically offered to do so (which happens a lot more than you might expect.) So, the etiquette of ride mooching is a bit different than the etiquette of just meeting people. If we were just meeting, I will wait as long as I am comfortable, and not bored, and not late. After that, which might be mere seconds, I will simply go on without the person, even if going on includes going somewhere else.

Habitual lateness is more than rude. It is a narcissistic, and callous expression of selfishness. I don’t care to play.

Tris

4

If you’re basically ready, it’s not rude to your mother to expect her to buzz you,especially if she’s always late . It might , however, be rude to other people for the person being picked up not to be waiting outside. One of my neighbors used to get picked up at 5 am. The person giving the ride, for whatever reason, wouldn’t get out of the car, and honked (rude in itself). But since it happened every single day, I was annoyed at my neighbor for not at least waiting outside to avoid the honking. And it seems like every morning, I get stuck behind at least one double-parked car or school bus waiting 10 minutes to pick someone up (The streets are too narrow to pass a double-parked car) If the person being picked up was outside, the traffic at least would have been blocked for less time.

5

I have two phobias - I fear being late, and I fear pigeons shitting on my head.

So I always start waiting early when someone’s coming to pick me up. (As a teenager opposed to driving, this happens often, especially when my bike’s in the shop, like now.)

Anyway, last week my mom gave me a lecture for daring to look at my watch when she picked me up twenty minutes later than she said she would for a ten minute ride (or an hour walk…). She’s habitually late as well. I feel yer pain.

6

Cessandra, I am usually ready whenever anyone gives me a ride. That is definitely reasonable, and I don’t have a problem with that. My mom doesn’t have a beef with that, either; she just wants me to wait outside for her. (which I am getting increasingly tired of)

Tris, I don’t expect people who give me rides to wait more than a few minutes for me at the most while I quickly turn off all the lights and such at my place prior to going out. (I wouldn’t be waiting in a totally dark apartment for them to buzz me) Of course, if I told a person not to wait for me if I wasn’t there, I would not be late. However, this is different; I am not telling them that. I take your point that ride-mooching is different than just casually meeting somewhere, of course. That’s very much a given.

doreen, having a horn honking at 5 AM sounds very annoying. However, if my mom (or anyone else) were to buzz me to say that they were here to pick me up, it wouldn’t bother anyone except me. (no matter what time it was) You see, I have an apartment buzzer system where you punch in the apartment number on the keypad, and it dials that particular apartment only. Much better than having someone honking at an ungodly hour of the day.

Jello, my mom doesn’t particularly like it either when she pulls up 15 minutes late (or what have you) and finds me glaring at her, or looking pointedly at my watch. She thinks that since I should be grateful for the ride, I shouldn’t mind if she’s late, and I should be happy about it. Example sentence out of her mouth: “You should be grateful for the ride, and not look at me like that. I just saved you half an hour on the bus, so shouldn’t you be grateful and happy?” Somehow, I don’t think so. If she were actually on time, then yes… I’d be perfectly happy. But she’s not, so I’m not.

Another thing she says is something along the lines of: “Well, if you didn’t want to wait, you could always have taken the bus.” Yes, I could have, but that would have taken longer. (now that I think about it, taking the bus would also preserve my sanity) Besides, having someone drive you to where you want to go is generally less time-consuming than taking the bus. Unless, of course, the person is really late, and taking the bus to your destination would actually have taken less time. I hate that when I realize it, of course.

They are the ones with the problem around lateness, IMHO, not me. I try my best to be on time, and generally succeed, Using your busy life as an excuse to habitually be late is not good enough for me. As Cessandra said, it’s very rude. It is definitely very much a game (as Tris put it) they like to play with me. I don’t like it at all, and it should stop. That’s all I have to say.

7

Flamsterette_X,

I didn’t mean to imply that not waiting outside is always rude, only that it could be. If, for example, you knew (like my neighbor did) that your mother would not get out to buzz you, but would instead honk, that would be rude to the people who had to hear it. If your mother will buzz you, but just doesn’t want to , you’re certainly not being rude. That’s what buzzers are for.
Having a similar , yet different situation (my mother and sister share the same brain, they want rides from me, they start looking at the clock about twenty minutes before I’m due to pick them up, look exasperated when I’m only five minutes early and don’t understand why I won’t pick them up at 9:00 to drive 5 minutes to somewhere we need to be at 9:30 ) let me give you some advice- they’re not going to change. Ever. Whether it’s a game, as you’re sure it is with your family, or some deep-seated neurosis as I’m sure it is mine. Find a way to preserve your sanity that doesn’t depend on your mother being on time. Take the bus, tell her you need to be picked up a half hour earlier, whatever. Just don’t think she’ll change, 'cause it ain’t happening

8

Consideration for others is the rule, as Judith Martin would say.

Now for the caveats.

Your situation here is that your mom appears to be your chauffer. She has agreed to do so if you understand that you are to wait for her, and not vice versa. If you don’t like it, you can darn well age a bit, get a driver’s license, a car, insurance, etc. While this sounds harsh to a teenager, believe it or not, your mommy has a life of her own (or at least wants one) and doesn’t particularly care to be the servant of a teenager. Go figure. My observation of teenagers is that you don’t want to push it so far that mama concludes you can get transporatation elsewhere and zooms off after waiting for you. Once she learns she can do that, you are screwed.

As for friends of teenagers driving one about, they are usually so proud of the fact that they have the privilege of showing off their car and license for friends that they don’t much care.

One of the amazing things about living until geezerhood (about 40), is looking back on when you are a teenager and realize how crazily self-centered teenagers are, and you were, and just being stunned that no adult ever strangled you for it. I just watched Attack of the Clones and couldn’t help but laugh at how Lucas just nailed the teenage self-centered schtick with Anakin.

Rules for adults.

There are adults in this country who refuse to own or drive a car. Whether this is because they are blind or cheap, this is no excuse. But they do know how to mooch. I’ve never had a mooch friend not waiting at the curb for me, so this is never a problem.

I do have a friend that has a zillion cars, but whenever we go out, we take my car, whether I drive or he does. If I pick him up, or if he picks me up, he manages to make me wait for him, and not the other way around. The more in a hurry I am, the longer he makes me wait. It always amazes me. My time, my gas.

9

“On the other hand, what if the person giving you the ride is always late?”
Why is this even a problem?

If you are unhappy with the curent situation, arrange for another ride.

10

I’ve always made it a point to be prepared and waiting for people who are picking me up… not because I think their time is any more important than mine, but because of one simple fact: I can control when I am prepared to leave… I can not control when they arrive.

This philosophy has given me an extraordinary amount of waiting patience… I remember once waiting three hours after school once for a ride (a wait which I was expecting). I just laid back and daydreamed.

11

If my mom were driving over to my apartment to give me a ride somewhere, I would be downstairs waiting for her at the appropriate time. I would not make her find a parking space (you’re not allowed to park in front of many apartment buildings, not even to get out and ring a buzzer), walk all the way up to the building, ring a buzzer, walk all the way back to her car and pull around to the pick-up lane. My mom has arthritis…and even if she didn’t, I should still be waiting. If I have asked a friend for a ride at my house, I am waiting by the door and come out as soon as they pull in the driveway, so that they don’t have to get out, walk up my stairs and ring my bell. To not be waiting for them is rude.

If they are a few minutes late, and it does not make me late to our destination, that’s fine with me…I’m the one who has asked them to go out of their way for me. And I know how you can lose track of time while finishing up a few errands.

A lot depends on whether this is a “why don’t you pick me up and we’ll go shopping this afternoon” ride or a “please can you give me a ride to my 3:15 doctor’s appointment” as to how upset to be if someone is late.

I’m asking someone for a ride this evening because my daughter wants to borrow my car, and you’d better believe I’ll be waiting outside for her. But I also know my friend won’t be late picking me up, because it’s more important for her to be on time to where we’re going than it is for me. And lilithfair if you’re reading this, can I get a ride from you to the concert tonight? Thanks!

12

If your rides are consistently late, then make other arrangements. Or tell them to pick you up earlier than you have to get there. But bitching to people who are doing you a favor–even if they are jerking you around a bit–is silly. Unless, that is, you’re paying them and then you have a right to demand better service.

If you don’t wait for people who have driven out of their way to get you, to me, this is rude. But I can also see how it would piss someone off by having to wait all the time. You should establish a grace period of 15 minutes. If you’re still waiting after this time, then you should not be expected to sit around for them.

13

I do hope you realize there are other possible reasons for not wanting to own a car besides ‘cheap.’

And for the record, I do my absolute best not to bum rides from people unless it is really, really necessary. I get around just fine on my own without wheels.

14

The noble DPWhite has said above very nicely, what I felt like saying very rudely.

How about a few selected phrases from my unpleasant diatribe, anyway?

“Gift Horse”

“Teeth”

“If you don’t like it…”

“Why, you little-”

Sorry, that last one belongs to someone else. I’m going to the Mall in ten minutes, anyone want to come along?

Redboss

15

Yeah, I don’t think it has a damned thing to do with age. You need a lift? You wait where and when the driver wants you to. You don’t want to conform to their ideas of when and where you should wait? Find another ride.

Your promptness in being ready to be picked up doesn’t matter an iota if you’re not where the person who’s giving you a lift tells you to be.

Beggars can’t be choosers, and alla’ that.

16

First off, I’m not entirely sure if Flamsterette is a teen; it seems more plausible as I read it, but that wasn’t the impression I got. Anyway, it’s kind of irrelevant.

Personally, I don’t have very much sympathy for you. Maybe this is because I’m living with a thirteen year-old who expects my mom and I to be her personal chauffers. Maybe this is because I’m loathe to ask people for rides unless it is vitally necessary. All I know is that when someone asks me for a ride, and then proceeds to do something like bitch about the fact that I’m three minutes late, or about my driving, or about the music I’m listening to, I feel extremely put-upon.

So your mom makes you wait 5-10 minutes for a ride. She doesn’t have to give you a ride in the first place. And, in my opinion, even a fifteen minute lateness is excusable if you’re not doing something with a set time frame (i.e., you’re just hanging out with friends at the mall, not meeting someone for dinner). Yeah, I know; I hate being late, too. Sometimes, though, it happens, and you have to live with it.

Also, it is generally considered polite to be outside waiting for the person to come (or to be waiting at the door of your house or something, or whatever the arrangement is with the person who is picking you up). No, their time is not inherently more important than yours. They do, however, spend more time on this than you do, and probably get less out of it. Say you call your mom for a ride; she has to get ready at her place, drive to your place, pick you up, drive to wherever you want to go, then drive back to her place or her final destination. All you have to do is get ready, go with her to wherever you’re going, and get out of the car. And you would’ve done that anyway. Making them take longer because you can’t be bothered to wait outside is pretty rude.

If it bothers you that much, talk to your mom about it reasonably. But don’t expect her to bend her life around you, 'cause that’s just not how it works. You can tell her to pick you up 15 minutes before you actually need it if it’s really going to piss you off, but otherwise. . .let it go. You’ll feel better.

17

" I’m sure my mom thinks that since I’m waiting for her in my apartment…"

By that statement alone, I did not gather that she is a teen.
Not many teens have their own apartments.

well, some may, of course, but it seems that if you are old enough to have your own place, you’re old enough to deal with the annoyances that come with ride mooching.

“Whether this is because they are blind or cheap…”

just curious, which one are you?

18

Flamsterette

I seem to remember from a previous post of yours that one of the things currently ticking you off was parental pressure to go home on the weekends, for which you would get lifts from your mom. Is that the current situation? Because it makes a HUGE difference whether she’s going out of her way, from the goodness of her heart, to give you a lift to somewhere YOU want to go, or if she’s taking you somewhere where SHE wants you to go.

But if that’s not the situation then yeah, fifteen minutes? no big deal. I find books are good for those sorts of situations…

19

Sometimes it’s not for the best to accept a ride. I take classes on three weeknights and getting to the college is pretty simple: one bus ride. It takes a relaxed 15 miunutes and I sit (or stand) calmly, thinking about course material, or last night’s Simpsons episode, or whatever. Though I own a car, I usually don’t bother taking it because of the parking nuisance.

My ever helpful father, recently retired, has repeatedly offered to drive me to shool. I usually beg off, since he’s almost always a few (or sometimes more than a few) minutes late, and riding with him means I have to spend 15 minutes engaging in pointless small talk.

Anyhoo, on this one occasion I say ‘yes’ and Dad swings by, slightly late. More minutes pass while he tries to find a “shortcut” better than the route normally taken by tyhe bus. We end up crawling through downtown Montreal on a weekday at 5:45pm, with lots of rapid starts and stops as he seeks openings in the traffic. Of course, this is all PERFECTLY relaxing. Result: I’m 5 or 10 minutes late for class. Had I taken my normal bus, I’d have been 5 or 10 minutes early. Rather sheepishly, my father has withdrawn his offers.

Sometimes the favour offers more hassle than benefit.

20

I meant to say that there is no excuse for making someone who is giving you a ride wait, not that there is no excuse for being blind or cheap. (Although cheap comes close.)