Yeah, that does sound a bit odd that he’s turning down jobs that it sounds like he could do with some flexibility. I see a couple of possibilities:
There are factors that might make it make sense if you knew about them, but you don’t.
He is suffering from depression, which would make sense given his situation. Sometimes depression makes you do things that don’t make a lot of sense, even to himself.
Maybe you could ask him directly what sort of work he’d like to be offered and how much. Frame it not as “I’d like to help you” but as “You do great work.” If he is feeling bad about himself, turning down jobs might make him feel worse, and if you can avoid offering him things that you know he would turn down, that might help with exacerbating depression.
Good on you for working with him, by the way. I can see how it could be frustrating for you, especially because I’m sure you’d rather not have take the time and bother to look around for someone to do certain jobs when there is someone who can do them well right there.
We have friends at our lake house who are also extremely poor. He lives on a very small military pension and she, well she just died of lung cancer, God rest her soul, but before she lived on SS disability. Anyway, we pay them handsomely to mow our grass and “keep an eye on the place.” We send Christmas cards with gift cards, and always brought them Captain Morgan’s rum because it was her favorite. Other than mowing the lawn, they always left us gifts from their garden, fresh veggies and canned goods. And they always invited us over to their place to watch the Reds play and throw some darts.
While it’s definitely a one-side relationship in terms of money spent, it’s equal in terms of love and affection. They’re rock solid people, and I’m glad to call them my friend, even if the cynical part of me does wish that they’d do something to better their situation. Now that she’s gone, he’s in tremendous pain, and we fear what will happen to him. His life was already rough enough.
I know it’s very difficult, but try to resist making judgments or punishing them for not living like you’d live. You really don’t know their full story. The best thing you can do for them, for anyone really, is to be kind to them.
So my advice for you is to let him fix your deck, if you need a new one. And let him continue to mow the lawn if he was doing a good job.
From what you describe, and my own arm-chair analysis, the disconnect and frustration is because IMHO you are not recognizing and respecting his desire for personal “agency”. He wants to control what he does and doesn’t do, and doesn’t want someone telling him what to do and not do. He’s probably a little sensitive to your “suggestions”, but chooses to just cheerily ignore them - rather than outright refuse. By your attempting to “help” you are dis-empowering him, it’s runs the risk of sounding patronizing and putting him in a subordinate position.
This is easy … dump all the drama. why would anyone possibly care about this guy’s personal business? If he does good work and you need work done, hire him. Don’t refer him to others, let him get his own gigs. Done deal.
I don’t think you’re mean for feeling frustrated whenever the wife keeps talking about their poverty. If it’s a topic that she frequently drops into conversation, that would bug the shit out of me too. I know friends should feel free to kvetch about stuff. But I can’t see how “I sure wish we had gas money to see the grandkids!” isn’t an intentional ploy for pity and all the benefits that come from pity. If the wife keeps bringing it up, then she’s pretty much inviting you to point out the obvious. Right?
It sounds to me like he has a mental disability of some kind, even if it isn’t obvious to you. I think it’s dive not to offer him more jobs, but pretty screwy to stop having him do the yard work.
I wonder if the wife isn’t just as frustrated, or moreso, by her husband’s behavior than you are. She knows exactly how much he’s bringing in, and how much he could bring in if he were working full time. She loves him, but she can’t change him. She can only work so hard.
What I’m saying is, unless she’s obviously trying to guilt you into offering gas money, try to show some sympathy. You don’t have to fix her problem. You just have to acknowledge it. It may make a world of difference for her.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Hey chiroptera, I wrote two long responses yesterday raking your attitude over the coals, but my account timed out on the first one and an errant button press deleted the second and then I just couldn’t bother any more.
I was disappointed that those posts had vanished into the ether (and they were brilliant, of course), but now I’m glad as I would now feel somewhat jerkish in light of your reasonable reexamination of your view on the situation.
I’m thinking much the same way as Phouka - the wife must be frustrated by their situation, and if she’s not asking for help, she’s maybe indicating that she’d really like for her husband to do more paid work also, but for whatever reason, he’s not up for that.
It does sound to me like there’s an underlying depression or anxiety behind his refusal to do work. If you approached him as if you were the one wanting the cat-trees or the work, and with you paying for them (acting as a middleman) do you think he’d do the jobs for you where he won’t directly for the other people?
It is odd.
Good of you to re-think and keep letting him do work for you. Maybe having that small stable accomplisment will make him more confident over time, but even if not, it’s good to let people do work when they can, and are interested in doing it.
Ha! Thank you. Although I guess when I posted I KNEW I was being mean-spirited and I definitely expected some, uh, spirited responses.
I know it would appear that way, but honestly she is a pretty positive person and I have never gotten the impression that she’s trying to guilt me into anything - I think she is simply venting. phouka, you’re right - I don’t know how frustrated she is about her husband’s inertia but then I don’t know them that intimately, really. I imagine that since she’s working plus taking care of the bulk of the non-handyman household affairs, she must at times feel somewhat resentful at times. But then again perhaps not and I’m just projecting.
PunditLisa, this hit a chord and yes indeed (and PS I’m a woman not a guy) :
**
Green Bean, even sven and Icarus** - all good points and it occured to me today that it may well be depression and/or low self esteem (I know that’s sort of a pop-psych phrase.) People who already know and like him know he’s a really good guy, and capable too. But people who don’t know him personally might judge him harshly on a personal level if somehow they’re not happy with whatever he produces, if that makes sense? I get that could make him feel worse about himself so he just avoids the whole issue. And I’m honestly not trying to disempower him from personal agency. I get the point but I’ve been in construction for 35 years and that’s how it works - people recommend you for jobs, clients want the work done in such and such a way, we do it accordingly, get paid, and everyone is happy. The only type of work he has ever done is construction/handyman stuff so it’s what he’s familiar with.
I should mention for context that I’ve been diagnosed and treated for bipolar/bipolar depression since the late 1980s so I’m quite familiar with antipsychotics that cause coarse tremors, ghastly facial twitching and other nasty med side effects, wanting to stay in bed all day instead of going to work and generally feeling like whale shit. But I can honestly say that I have never in my life lost a day of work because of that. Work is one of the things I do well in my life and makes me feel better and keep going but obviously that doesn’t resonate with everyone.
But it is what it is and he is what he is, so he can make his choices, as can I. I’ll keep on hiring him for personal stuff. And since his wife is the driver in the relationship, I’ll make sure she knows that if he’s ever willing to take on any extra work I’ll do whatever I can for them.
Although I guess when I posted I KNEW I was being mean-spirited and I definitely expected some, uh, spirited responses.