A senior care support thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been thinking about starting this thread for a while, and then seeing a few posts over in this thread:

… made it clear that many Dopers are dealing with these issues. I expect that a thread in which we can share our experiences of caring for older relatives will be helpful. Here’s a summary of my family’s situation.

In June 2021, my wife and I moved in with her mother, 85, who, after a heart attack a few years ago, and perhaps some long term dehydration while living on her own, before we were fully aware of her condition, has been diagnosed with cognitive impairment, although not Alzheimer’s. The three of us now live in her small, two-bed, two-bath house, which has been in the family since 1960. I’ll turn 67 in October, and retired last fall. My wife, five years younger, works as a teacher in a private school, at a much lower salary than she had previously earned as a principal, but she enjoys the work much more, it’s much less stressful, and since we don’t have a mortgage, the decreased income is not an issue.

We are now full time care-givers for her mother. So far, it is not a very difficult job. “Nancy” is very pleasant, easy to please, and easy to get along with. She loves everything you make her to eat, and is happy to watch TV most of the day. She goes to the local senior center for a few hours for lunch every day, and for senior exercise class three days a week.

One of the most challenging aspects of taking care of her is keeping her fluid intake up. Several months ago she collapsed, and at the hospital they found that she was severely dehydrated. We had been trying to encourage her to drink more, but she has trouble swallowing (dysphagia, we learned), an apparently common problem for older folks.

Since then we have been trying to make sure she has at least 48 ounces of liquid a day. Drinking regular fluids is a slow and painful process: It can take her an hour or more for her to drink 12 ounces of coffee or any other ordinary liquid. So the main vehicle is Jello, and in season, watermelon. We’ve used thickening powder in drinks with mixed success.

I’ll discuss some of the other issues later.

All this is much harder on my wife than it is on me. She remembers clearly the intelligent, lively, and active woman Nancy was for most of her life, and is distraught to see her decline. The work we have to do – dress her, help her bathe, etc. – is not particularly onerous (yet), and we are grateful that Nancy’s condition is not as bad as some Alzheimer’s patients we have heard of. But we can see she is slowly declining, and it saddens my wife.

For that reason I’m glad that when my wife goes back to school this week, I’ll go back to being the primary daily care giver. Taking care of her is not as frustrating and emotionally fraught for me as it is for my wife.

She likens taking care of her mother to raising her three (now grown) children. The difference is that with the children she knew they would learn and get better at doing things and taking care of themselves. With Nancy, all we can hope for is that the decline is as slow as possible.

How are you coping with caring for your elderly family members?

2

I think this is an important issue and I’m glad you started the thread.
Here’s my experience.

When my parents were in their 70s, they lived in London in a 2 bedroom house.
My sister and I had moved about 100 miles away (for job reasons.)
Dad was unfortunately suffering from a number of conditions (Parkinson’s, macular degenaration, arthritis and high blood pressure. He found climbing stairs difficult.
Mum was in good health and was Dad’s carer.

So my sister and I suggested that our parents move up near us and (in particular) buy a bungalow.
This was a huge improvement (especially as we could both easily visit our parents regularly.)

Now being a full-time carer is very stressful. - especially when it is a loved one.

So we arranged that my sister would take Mum away for a weekend at a health spa (just lazing around) and I would stay with Dad.
This was a very good idea - Mum stated that she hadn’t realised how much stress she was under until she got a break. (Dad and I watched sports on the telly and ate takeaways!)

Sadly (some time later) Mum passed and the only alternative was to move Dad to a local care home - as both my sister and I were working full-time.
They did look after Dad very well, but he passed soon after (I know he was missing Mum a lot as they were married for over 60 years.)

I hope this helps others in a similar situation.

3

My mom is 93, but still pretty sharp. She has her moments though. Really though it can be hard to keep up with the modern world. She has Macular Degeneration, she still uses her computer, but I know it’s hard and frustrating.

Her mobility is in the tank though. She can’t even go outside by herself. We had found a VERY nice senior living facility. Brand new, as in no one had even moved in yet. Beautiful place. The one bedroom apartment I picked for her had a gas fireplace a full size very nice kitchen and it’s own private balcony.

Then COVID struck, and screwed that all up.

Her mobility issues got much worse. I drive 100 miles each way to see her every other weekend. Been doing that for years and years. That sort of jams my life up pretty good. I’ve thought of getting an apartment near her house so that when I do see her I have a place to hang my hat for a couple of nights. Her house is just too small. I sleep in the living room on a blow up mattress.

My Wife and I get an absurd amount of snow at our house. I plow it. I can’t stay away from home for long in the winter time. Hired a plow guy once because I had a hip replacement but that turned into a fiasco. He kept getting stuck, and I kept pulling him out. Rather pointless. He did not ask to renew the plowing contract :rofl:

We are now investigating in-home care for my mom. Need to meet the person at my mom’s for an assessment. Then my Wife got COVID, just when she was getting better, I got COVID. We are now COVID free and are looking into that again.

Due to COVID, I work from home now, which has be a tremendous relief for me. I could work from pretty much anywhere that has good internet (I had to go to Starlink at my house). Work understands my situation, understands and supports this. Been doing this for a couple of years.

4

My mom’s not that old- 74, but she’s got early-mid stage Alzheimers, and is at the point where she shouldn’t be driving or living alone, and does stuff like forgets where she puts things, then because it’s not where she’d normally put it, she’s convinced someone stole it, because she’d never put that item somewhere else.

We managed to convince/lie/wheedle her into moving into an independent living place with a dining hall, activities, etc… and she seems fine there, but she goes on fairly frequent spells of telling us how boring it is, and how they only play bingo, and how she wants to move home because she had all these wonderful neighbors, and could drive there because she knew her way around, etc…

None of which is actually true; she’s forgetting that she’d call us upset and lonely, she’d forget to take her medication regularly, she had one neighbor she regularly talked with, and she disliked several of the others, and she’d tell my wife she’d regularly get lost. But she doesn’t remember any of that- home was unequivocally better in every way when she goes on these spells. The rest of the time, she’s fine and enjoying herself.

It’s tough, because we can’t really argue with her and try to convince her. It won’t work- either she doesn’t believe us because she remembers it differently, or the result of the argument doesn’t stick, and she’s back to it. I don’t want to discount how she feels, but she’s absolutely wrong about living at home- even when we tell her that she can’t live alone, and needs a 24-7 caretaker, she says she’s fine.

We’ve got a neurologist appointment tomorrow, and I’ve enlisted his help in maybe getting some kind of categorical proof that she shouldn’t drive- I figure if we have it in writing or recorded, we’ll have some ammunition to just tell her no, and to sell her car so it’s not even an issue any longer. It just sucks to have to basically yank that away from someone who so obviously sees it as a vital component of independence, even though it’s horribly dangerous for them.

5

We where lucky on that front. My Mom brought it up herself. She didn’t feel that she was a safe driver any longer.

My dad (gone now) had bad cataracts, but we found out he still drove to the grocery store occasionally. It was quite residential streets. We asked him how he was doing with that and he said “Doing fine, I just put on my 4 way flashers and drive real slow” That was the end of that.

good luck @bump

Was going to Denver for my Mom again this weekend, but the drywallers that where supposed to come are postponing until Saturday (this is due to a flood/pluming leak so going through insurance). Shit, it really needs done. I should be here. Certainly either I or my Wife does. I might take Friday off of work to help mom, I donno.

I need two of me. Thank god my wife is right there with me.

6

Hah! That reminds me of my grandparents- he had some sort of neck problem where he couldn’t turn his head too far, so my grandmother would turn around and tell him when to go- apparently it would go something like my grandmother seeing and opening and saying “Hit it, Barney!” and he’d stomp on the gas and merge. Needless to say, my mother and aunt were not at all about that when they found out.

7

Very timely thread here.

My parents are both deceased, but my husband’s parents have defied all logic and lived to their mid 80s. Both have physical issues, MIL has early memory loss, and both are quite stubborn about not wanting much help. And they live a thousand miles away. Moving in with them is not an option - they are in a small 2BR condo. Moving them in with US is not an option - we have the room, but they cannot handle the stairs. We’re starting to research how to get them into Medicaid-funded assisted living - nobody in the family can afford to pay for it.

And there’s some resentment on my part - I love them, but I’ve been working for 40+ years, and saving for retirement, and I am going to have to put my foot down and refuse to let them wipe out my retirement savings.

They could not afford a car - so they leased one - which SIL had to pay for. When that lease was up, they leased ANOTHER one - without conferring with her.

When the second lease was up, the whole family told them “that’s it, no more car” which was a relief, as MIL will not drive any more, and FIL was getting kind of scary.

A friend made the very good point that we adult “kids” have to go through a grieving process: the smart, with-it, mostly-competent adults are gone, replaced by the stubborn, gullible, and still beloved frail elderly parents.

8

We’re up to our ears dealing with my husband’s parents. His mom is all but blind from macular degeneration. His dad has Parkinson’s and dementia. They’ve both got pacemakers and new knees and I couldn’t even begin to catalogue their various health issues.

FIL still drives - he shouldn’t but he refuses to not drive and MIL is OK with that. He falls down a lot. He was having hallucinations till my husband convinced them to contact his doctor and adjust his meds. And we live 800 miles away, so my poor spousal unit has been making many trips down I-95 - I go when I can. In fact, he’s there right now.

On the plus side, they’ve finally agreed that they need to move closer to us, so when FCD comes home next week, he’ll bring them along. We found a nice retirement apartment complex and we got them on the waiting list - they want to see it. And if they hate it, they’ll have a chance to look around. We’ll have them with us a week or so, then I’ll help drive them back to FL.

It’s very stressful, moreso for my husband. He’s got one brother who ignored his diabetes and he’s now all but blind and he’s on dialysis. His other brother has mental and emotional issues, and we’ll eventually have to take care of him, too. Right now, he’s refusing to move, so there’s another stressor.

I’m very fortunate to be 1 of 5 sibs, and the other 4 all live very close to our mom (Dad died 20 years ago.) I’m 2+ hours away, but with one sister living with Mom and another 6 miles away, there’s no need for me to be involved in the day-to-day. I visit when I can. Mom is 88 and she’s already booked a cruise for her 90th birthday - I won’t be surprised at all if she makes it. But having all those sibs is a real comfort.

The lesson in all this is, um, not to be a pain to our daughter…

9

In a talk I heard about demographics a few decades ago, the speaker said that the majority of women in my generation (I’m 67) would spend more time caring for their mothers than their mothers spent raising them.

10

Shit FCM. That’s rough. I only have to drive 200 miles every weekend. kind of screws up what I need to do though.

I have an older brother that lives 15 minutes away from my mom. He was screwing up. Mostly due to him finding internet dating. My god, there where some doozes. When I, at 6’3" and 220 lbs decide that it may be a good idea to sleep in my clothes at his house because I may need to fight or flight because my brothers new girl friend is an insane criminal, well, that’s a problem.

Because my Mom called him on this bullshit, he disowned the family. Before, we all had a great time together. Helped each other no questions asked.

I tried to fix this for 3 years. But, no. Mom bruised his ego by telling him the truth.

Instead of talking, or water under the bridge, he disowned the entire family.

He was my best friend.

11

So sorry to hear this @enipla.

One of my best friends is estranged from his eldest daughter, and he and his wife haven’t seen their grandchildren in years. After the break, I made a point of staying in touch with her, with a faint hope I might help with a reconciliation, but to my dismay, as time goes on it doesn’t look any more likely.

Family quarrels like this are tragic and very painful.

12

Yeah. My attempts where going nowhere. I was about to see a councilor this hurt so bad (my Wifes suggestion). I remedied the situation buy not trying to fix it anymore. Too much dashed hope. Fuck it.

13

My senior care is closer to home.

Mr VOW is 73, and has seizure disorder, Parkinson’s, and heart failure.

Like so many XY people, he thinks he can overcome any difficulties with the awesome power of his mind and body. Unfortunately, he’s not eighteen any more.

I fill the pill caddies, and he takes a shit-load of pills. He doesn’t like them, they make him feel “off.” I’ve explained “off” is better than dead.

He doesn’t hear me any more. It’s not a true hearing loss, it’s a husband thing. I’ve tried to be reasonable, but then he acts like a clown. I “remind” him over and over, then I’m nagging. Finally, I lose my cool completely and end up yelling.

That never works

I should also mention he takes Aricept. The Parkinson’s can monkey with short-term memory, and the neurologist prescribed that.

He can still function in most ways. He drives, he runs errands, he’s the shuttle driver for the granddaughters. I have been watching him VERY CLOSELY and I will pull the plug if he loses these capabilities.

He sees me more as a caregiver, or a “Mommy” than a wife.

Getting old sucks.

~VOW

14

Here are a few questions that have occurred to us recently that some of you may have some insight into.

As I mentioned above, taking care of my 86-y.o. MIL with dementia has not been too hard, but it’s become a bit tougher in the last few weeks because she sometimes forgets to use the toilet, and doesn’t always wipe herself properly when she does use it. We have switched her from panty liners to disposable absorbent panties, but things have gotten a little more icky.

If (when) her condition worsens, at some point we may have to either get part-time in-house care or move her into a full-time nursing home.

How did you deal with these options and transitions? Obviously, if there was no one living with the relative, a nursing home may have been the only choice. But for any of you who were living together, what made you decide to make the move?

Any advice on Medicaid and spending down assets that you’d care to share?

An unhappy thought that occurred to us: if she dies here in the house, what do we do in the first few hours? After some Googling, I found that calling 911 and having the body taken to a hospital is an option, but not necessary, although some official does have to certify the death. I’m going to make some further inquiries with local officials, but your experience may be helpful.

Thanks.

15

My nephew had a heart attack and died while his wife was out. When she found him, she called 911 and the EMTs pronounced him dead. The medical examiner was called and it was a few hours before he arrived. Then the body was taken to the morgue until funeral arrangements could be made. I believe that if you already have a funeral plan in place, that facility will send someone to get the body.

16

So the EMTs didn’t take the corpse? I got the impression that they might have to take the person to a hospital, even if clearly dead, and that might entail unnecessary complications and expense. I suppose it varies by jurisdiction. Where was your case?

17

This was in Tennessee. I assume his wife acted on the advice of the EMTs. We never talked about how that decision was made.

18

A good friend of mine and his wife have his late-80 yo mother living with them, since his father passed away and another family member (who was caring for her) moved away. It is a daunting reality, IMHO to become a senior care-giver. I shared my own experiences with this issue with him - the one main bit of advice I gave was to have an exit plan. This means if the needs of the family member start outstripping their ability to provide care, it’s time to pull the rip-cord. The trick is knowing when they are going under water, since it is likely to be a slow process. The last couple of times we have had them over I can tell tension is rising about caring for her, and it is straining their marriage. He is hesitant to place her in a care facility, due to the costs, but how much is a wrecked home going to cost? They have not been on a vacation and have severe limits on how far they can go from home/how long they can be away, etc. Again, the most important thing going into this is having an exit plan, and knowing the triggers for bailing out.

My parents have been gone for over a decade - they both had full and active minds but their bodies gave out first. In my mid-80s FIL’s case, his body, while frail and somewhat compromised here and there, is sturdy. But his mind is gone, wrecked by dementia. He no longer recognizes anyone in the family except my wife and MIL. He was a mechanic and then a manager for one of the major airlines for his whole career, and member of the “find-em, fix-em, fly-em” helicopter recovery team during Vietnam, and as strong (and strong-minded) as they come. He was also a great grand-dad for my kids. That man no longer exists, sadly, but his presence is still there. He now lives comfortably and safely in a care facility nearby. We are fortunate they made good financial decisions along the way to afford this - the cost is friggin incredible.

19

When we last visited the in-laws, my husband installed a bidet attachment to FIL’s toilet. FIL has developed some degree of fecal incontinence. He wears disposable underwear for the most part, but you still have to clean up afterward; MIL was helping him do that, and the hope is that the bidet seat reduces that.

There are also handheld “bidet shower” things that you can get to help with on-toilet cleanup, though that would require some plumbing (the sort we have, and that we gave the in-laws, basically just requires about 5 minutes of work, not a real plumber).

20

Any progress on putting the kibosh on that? It may be necessary to take the keys away, and/or having MIL (or your husband) given legal power of attorney so you can sell the car.

My FIL still wanted to drive. He’s 86 now, with not the greatest vision and is essentially deaf (though that has improved since he got a cochlear implant). He had two at-fault car accidents in their last vehicle - nobody injured, luckily.

This was a leased car - that the siblings were paying for. We stopped them driving by flatly refusing to fund another car (they’d leased THAT one without consulting the family at all, then expecting the family to continue paying for it as they had its predecessor).

When I drove them up here when they wanted to evacuate from a hurricane a few years ago, FIL had reserved a rental car. Everyone got together and the upshot was that I flew down there early the next morning, rented a car at the airport, and picked them up and hit the road. FIL really, really, really wanted to help drive. “Oh darn. You weren’t with me when I picked it up, so you can’t be added as a driver”. He kept offering to help drive on the trip up despite not being allowed to by the rental company.