So I have been pondering this a while. She is 75, in poor health, and she lives an hour away from me. I have written her doctor a letter expressing my concerns. The doctor’s office called and told me that they could only discuss my concerns if my mom was present. OK, we have an appointment tomorrow.
I have talked to my mom for years about her living situation but to no avail. Her philosophy is, “if I ignore it, it will go away.” Sadly, that time has passed. I know I will be the “bad guy” for starting this, but it has to be done.
So, any thoughts or experiences with older parents in assisted living?
No experiences yet - my mom is almost 70. We’re still having the “I don’t need a hearing aid” fights (she doesn’t hear anything we say if she isn’t looking right at us, but her hearing doctor said her hearing is normal - I think what he meant was normal for her age). Anyway, I digress - I wish you all the best for doing what is best for her, and her letting you.
None of it good, sadly. My Mom went into assisted living after having a stroke at 82–we researched carefully and I still wasn’t happy with it. Beware of chains like Sunrise.
They didn’t have enough staff, really, so we had to hire a private-duty nurse (an additional $5,000/month in addition to the $8,000/month the place cost–none of it covered by insurance, of course).
When Mom deteriorated to the point past “assisted living,” they booted her ass to the sidewalk and we wound up finding a nursing home that not only took Medicaid, but was a terrific place–well-staffed, well-run, I had no complaints about it (except that it was in the middle of nowhere and made visiting Mom a “get up at 5:00, get home at midnight” affair).
Sorry I do not have better news, but some clouds just do not have silver linings.
My wife and I are at the age where we’ve pushed our moms into independent/assisted/nursing homes (both of our dads died off early) while at the same time telling our kids “don’t you ever do this to us”.
The problem is that from the parents side (and as I get older I find I’m appreciating that side more and more) it’s safety be damned - old folks want to continue living in their own homes as long as they can. if they/we die as a result, no biggie - everybody dies. As the parent’s child you need to understand that point of view.
In my mom’s case, she led a happy, independent life until she got pneumonia at the age of ninety. She went to the hospital and from there into assisted living and finally into what they euphemistically called “the skilled side” of the nursing home, never making it back to her own home. I’m totally convinced that everyone did the right thing from a medical point of view (and she was quite happy during her four years in assisted living before moving into the skilled-care side of the nursing home), but I have to admit that a part of me keeps wondering if she’d have been happier spending, say, another six months in her own place before dying because something happened and nobody was around to help.
I’ve told my kids that when my time comes and they come for me I’m going to attempt to beat them to death with my seven-iron. Of course, what will probably happen is that I’ll lose my balance, topple over backwards and break my hip.
My mom was 87 when she moved into a “retirement community.” The community had 3 levels: independent living (where Mom was), assisted living, and skilled nursing. The theory is that you started in independent living and went through the levels as needed. Mom had several friends there so after a year of us kids talking to her about it, she decided that since Gertrude and Liz liked living there, she would. Mom lived there for over 3 years before she died. She was in the skilled nursing for a few weeks before she died in hospice. She said she was very happy that she made the decision to live there.
However. It took a year of us kids talking to her about it. She dug in her heels and said she wasn’t moving, so we stopped talking about it. Then one day she called me up and said “I’ve decided to move to Retirement Community” like it was her brilliant idea. Of course we were thrilled.
This is such an individualized decision and there are so many of these communities/assisted living places, with all different levels of payments and financing. The best way to find one is from personal recommendation. Physicians do not care, they do not know. I have experience with that. It is not something to be rushed into–take time and do research on facilities.
If Mom remains stubborn, look into various types of home assistance, like Visiting Angels.
All of this is time-consuming and expensive and frustrating. I hope everything goes well with the physician visit. Hopefully her doctor can make her understand that living alone is not the best option now.
We tried to keep Mom at home with visiting nurses, but she needed 24/7 care after her stroke, and visiting nurses (unlike the brave nurse who drives through a hurricane on the TV commercial) do not always show up–and sometimes when they do, they are incompetent to the point of simple-mindedness.
My sister and I could not take her into our homes, as we both work, are not trained nurses, and are just not home enough (and yes, I will feel guilty about that to my dying day). Plus, we wanted to keep her in her neighborhood near her friends, shops and doctors (and that was helpful for her).
Nursing and assisted-living homes cannot find enough good staff now–in another 20 years the situation will be dire indeed, so *my *“retirement plan” is a handful of sleeping pills and a razor blade.
In my grandmother’s case, my mom and her siblings were able to take advantage of a surgery my grandmother had to have in order to transition her to an independent living apartment in a nursing home. In other words, she didn’t have a choice! She grumbled a little (she hated being surrounded by “old people”!) but liked her little apartment and having a nurse come by every day to deliver her medications and have someone help a couple of times a week with bathing (one artificial hip and one entire lack of hip where the damaged artificial one had been removed made such things more difficult for her!)
I think that starting with discussion with a doctor is a good start; it will help establish what your mother really needs in terms of assistance and will help you in your search for a place for your mom to live. Having the doctors on your side is also a helpful thing when it comes to the inevitable battles with assisted living staff over what, exactly, is and is not included in their services, nevermind in the discussions with your mom!
If you can, include your mom in the search; identify a couple of homes that suit her needs and your financial situation and have her visit them too. It’s going to be her home - she needs to feel safe and taken care of there. My mother found a place 2km from her home for my grandmother (and my mom did all the laundry and grocery shopping rather than pay extra for staff to do it), and having the family be so close and able to visit made my grandmother very happy. Are you looking for something close to where your mom currently lives, or close to you? Having her close to you might sell her more on the idea (my husband’s grandfather only agreed to move to an assisted living facility after his daughter got hired there as a nurse…now he loves it and wonders why he didn’t agree to go there sooner!)
I honestly don’t think anybody does this too early (much like hospice, or euthanizing a pet) - if anything, most people wait way too long after the point where it would be a great benefit to everybody. My aunt, a nurse, spent a decade spending hours a day at her mother-in-law’s house because her husband refused to put his mom in an assisted living facility. Her dementia got to the point where they had to turn the gas off to the house because she couldn’t be trusted with it, but still he wouldn’t do it! When they finally agreed it was best it was clearly and obviously the best thing for everybody involved.
The thing is, sevenwood, perhaps she would have had an accident… but not died. Perhaps she would have had a stroke, for example, and because she didn’t get treated soon enough she may have lived for years unable to speak or move. Or died an agonizing death in a fire. Or broken a hip and had to go into nursing care anyway but with dramatically reduced mobility. Is that really better than going to a facility?
My grandparents weren’t happy about having to go assisted living, and it was under the worst of circumstances (my grandfather suffered a debilitating stroke and they were moved from Florida to Pittsburgh where most of their family was and he never saw his old home again after he went into the hospital in an ambulance) and while they weren’t thrilled about it they eventually grew to enjoy the company, the chance to participate in activities, etc.
My grandmother wound up making the transition out of her home after having heart surgery at 80 years old, followed by a stroke at 84. She went straight from the hospital to the nursing home. She was not happy about it, in any way shape or form.
When Grandmother was safely installed in the assisted living wing of the ritziest, plushest nursing home the city had to offer ($$$OMG$$$/month) we set to cleaning out her kitchen (YUCK!) and we were appalled at how bad the situation had really gotten. Hoarding, saving food, junk mail, etc… it was bad news. She should have been outta there at least a year earlier.
She wasn’t terribly happy with the nursing home, even though they spoiled her rotten there, but at least she was comfortable, more or less. She was sort of content with it after a few months, but her health worsened and dementia set in to the point where it didn’t really matter anymore anyway.
Oh, for crying out loud. Anything’s possible, of course, but let’s not get silly here.
Look, I’m not trying to minimize the advantages of assisted living. But I’m trying to picture my kids arguing with me about fifteen years from now (I’ll be 79 then) saying “Dad, you just have to move from the house you love and into a nursing home. After all, in your own house you could die an agonizing death in a fire!”
I am also considering moving her in with me. That might be more palatable for her, except that I will not allow her to hoard or have 8 to 10 cats. That might be her biggest sticking point right now. That and my brother. A lazy, no-account bum sponging and stealing from her after years drugs, alcoholism and prison.
My aunt’s mother-in-law had to have the gas turned off because, indeed, she kept leaving the stove on and wandering off. That’s why I mentioned “die in a fire”, actually.
Missed edit- one benefit, that my parents living in their own place miss out on, is socialization. They don’t drive much and it’s hard to see friends. At a facility my dad could chat with folks, my mom can play cards etc without it being so challenging to arrange it. I think they’re lonely now.
My father is in a nursing home and the two problems we have is that he does not get to use his tv much because his roommate is the next Rip Van Winkle. He doesn’t like the food, it’s very bland and he was accustomed to salsa, tacos and likes omelets.
Taking care of him here would be a 24/7 job and I would probably have to take him with me whenever I had an errand to run. I don’t have a bathroom set up, so would need expensive renovation and WIDER doorways for his wheelchair.
Is this brother living with her right now? Maybe a home might be a good thing for her then - she’d get out of his clutches. If she moved in with you, maybe he’d think that you’re his next soft touch.