is there any way to "act" more confident in a particular setting?

[Win Place Show]

Somewhat inspired by the "attractive woman makes the first move" thread, is there any way for a guy to "act" more confident than he truly might be in that setting?

I guess the obvious example would be sitting around a bar, enjoying a beer, and doing some 'people-watching', but at the same time feeling oddly self-conscious. Is it a black/white "either you are/appear confident, or you aren't/don't" situation? Or are there things you can do to seem less self-conscious?

I'm thinking particularly about: eyes darting around the room too much (or not enough), making awkward conversation with strangers too much (or not enough), sitting up too straight in the stool (or not straight enough).. that sort of thing.

[Fuzzy Dunlop]

Originally Posted by Win Place Show

Somewhat inspired by the "attractive woman makes the first move" thread, is there any way for a guy to "act" more confident than he truly might be in that setting?

I guess the obvious example would be sitting around a bar, enjoying a beer, and doing some 'people-watching', but at the same time feeling oddly self-conscious. Is it a black/white "either you are/appear confident, or you aren't/don't" situation? Or are there things you can do to seem less self-conscious?

I'm thinking particularly about: eyes darting around the room too much (or not enough), making awkward conversation with strangers too much (or not enough), sitting up too straight in the stool (or not straight enough).. that sort of thing.

It's certainly not a black and white situation. There's clearly a continuum between being supremely confident and being downright uncomfortable looking, with most people being in the middle.

I don't believe you can successfully fake confidence but you can probably improve yourself if you are so insecure that your eyes are darting and you're skin is clammy. And since it isn't a black and white deal, getting rid of those negative quirks would be a big improvement even if nobody is going to look at you and remark how confident you seem.

What I would prescribe is figuring out which of those things you mention that you actually do and making a plan to fix it. Maybe ask a close friend or relative to observe your worst habits since a person probably isn't in a good position to judge themself.

[Anaamika]

A couple of things:

1) Remind yourself that you are not special. By this I mean, whatever you feel, lots of other people feel, too. You are not the only nervous person, lots of people are. They've just learned to hide it better.
2) Remind yourself that no one really cares what you do. Seriously, think about people. They just don't put a lot of thought into things. No one goes home and thinks "Win Place Show sure was acting weird today at the bar", or if they do, it's for half a second and then they move on.
3) Ask yourself - even if they do, do you really care? I mean, you know in your head why you are nervous, right? And it's not because of any nefarious reasons, you just are. Their opinion should not really matter to you.

All of these things are things that you slowly realize as you get older, and they helped me a lot.

Good luck,

[ReticulatingSplines]

Yes. Do everything slowly and deliberately. No sudden and frantic movements.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by ReticulatingSplines

Yes. Do everything slowly and deliberately. No sudden and frantic movements.

This.

Also be open and vulnerable, and take up a lot of space. Don't cross any limbs, and don't hold your drink in front of your chest like a shield. Adopt a Buddha (or George Clooney) smile. Make direct eye contact with everyone.

[even sven]

It's absolutely possible. The trick is, the best way to appear more confident is to actually be more confident, and that takes some work.

I realized at some point that professionally, I wasn't coming off as confident as I needed to be, so I went on a bit of a mission to improve my professional confidence. It worked wonders, and these days I waltz through interviews and job fairs with ease. What I found worked is:

1. Develop actual reasons to be confident. For me professionally, that means I improved my credentials, acquired some in-demand skills, made sure I did my research about the people I'm talking to, and bought a killer suit and wore it around until it felt natural. In dating, this might mean working out a bit, making sure you are dressed to impress, keeping up an interesting life so that you have interesting things to talk about (do anything to mix it up- meetup groups, movies, join a skeeball league....), and generally just making sure you are on top of your game. Make it a practice to keep up with news and the basics of pop culture and always be armed with at least one current "interesting thing" you can talk about. Practice always presenting your best, even if you are just hopping over to the grocery store. When you get in the habit of always looking good, you also get in the habit of always being confident.

2. Practice, practice, practice. A lot of confidence is just raw practice. Think about teachers- they are all, universally, nervous on the first day. But at the end of the school year they are walking in and teaching without even a moment of hesitation. When you do something enough, the nervousness wears off. For me professionally, this meant I'd go to career fairs and talk to everyone, even organizations I wasn't interested in, just to get used to it. I went on job interviews for jobs I didn't care for. I even used looking for housing and online dating as a way to just get used to talking to strangers. For dating, practice catching people's eye on the subway or at stores, just for the sake of doing it. Go on OKCupid dates with people you aren't necessarily attracted to as practice dates. Chat up strangers in public, just friendly chatter. Try to exchange a few words with store clerks and taxi drivers. It will be uncomfortable at first, but soon it will become more natural. You can definitely make yourself in to one of those people who can talk to anyone.

3 Read up. There are lots of books out there about understanding body language, improving communication, and making connections. A lot of this stuff is BS, but in even the most ridiculous book you can usually find a few really useful ideas. Spend a few days in the library browsing through books on dating, sales, and body language. Read widely from a lot of different approaches, even stuff you find obnoxious like pick-up artist stuff. Toss out what you don't like, but keep what seems useful.

[overlyverbose]

I would refer to Anaamika's post. People are usually so concerned about what other people think of them that they're not thinking about what you (general) are doing, except in the most general of terms.

Seriously, think about how concerned you are about how you appear to others. Then realize that everyone else is probably thinking the same thing to one degree or another.

Oh, and when you're speaking to someone you don't know, just pretend you're having a conversation with a friend. If you avoid talking about things like whether they have a boyfriend, religion or other topics that are probably better for a later discussion, you'll be more relaxed. And don't go into a bar or something specifically looking for a date. Look for an interesting conversation instead. It can a) make you more comfortable, b) help you avoid putting your foot in your mouth or seeming like a greaseball and c) may eventually result in a date.

[TruCelt]

Change your definition of success. i.e. success is not: "I'll get that gorgeous woman to leave with me tonight." Success is: "I'll talk to at least five people and make at least two of them laugh."

Once you set your goal for the evening, focus on it, not on the attention you want from a specific person.


Also, there's a simple trick to obtaining the right posture for the situation (open, relaxed, straight but not stiff, etc.) Pull your shoulders back as far as you can, really exaggerate it like you're trying to tough your shoulder blades together, then press them down. They will rotate a bit as you press down and fall into the correct position. Then your head will come back and your chin up, and you'll find you lean back a bit onto your hips for better balance. Perfect.

It will feel a bit awkward at first because it changes your center of gravity, but if you remind yourself to do this several times per day it will become natural, you will feel better and look better and people will begin to respond to you differently.

Good luck!

[tdn]

Good stuff, TruCelt. Also, be aware of your feet (flat) on the floor.

[Wheelz]

I have a 3-word mantra that I use when I find myself in unfamiliar and potentially unnerving situations:

"I belong here."

Whether it's a business meeting with colleagues I've just met, or a bar full of regulars I've never been to before, repeating the above to myself is a simple but effective way to help me stay calm and feel less self-conscious and intimidated.

[Chessic Sense]

Confidence = Arrogance + Sexiness

That's the equation. Confidence is just arrogance from sexy people. If you want to be confident, you have to be arrogant but also sexy. If you act like you're a badass (arrogant), and you are a badass (sexy), then you're perceived as confident. The girls say "Wow, that guy can do anything!" If you act like a badass, but you aren't a badass, then you're perceived as arrogant. The girls say "He thinks he's so cool, but he's not." If you don't act like a badass, and you are sexy, then you get put in the friend zone. The girls say "My friend Jim is cute, but he just doesn't do anything for me." If you don't act like a badass, and you're not sexy, then you're perceived as a creep or loser. The girls say "Wow, that guy doesn't get the hint. He won't quit talking to me, and he stinks."

Remember, though, arrogance merely means how you display your own ability. It can be anything from shooting pool to throwing your millions around to just having a "can-do attitude" at work. Sexiness doesn't just mean bodily hotness. It can also be anything from driving a cool car to having a party skill like card tricks or bartending.

[TruCelt]

Originally Posted by Chessic Sense

Confidence = Arrogance + Sexiness

That's the equation. Confidence is just arrogance from sexy people. If you want to be confident, you have to be arrogant but also sexy. If you act like you're a badass (arrogant), and you are a badass (sexy), then you're perceived as confident. The girls say "Wow, that guy can do anything!" If you act like a badass, but you aren't a badass, then you're perceived as arrogant. The girls say "He thinks he's so cool, but he's not." If you don't act like a badass, and you are sexy, then you get put in the friend zone. The girls say "My friend Jim is cute, but he just doesn't do anything for me." If you don't act like a badass, and you're not sexy, then you're perceived as a creep or loser. The girls say "Wow, that guy doesn't get the hint. He won't quit talking to me, and he stinks."

Remember, though, arrogance merely means how you display your own ability. It can be anything from shooting pool to throwing your millions around to just having a "can-do attitude" at work. Sexiness doesn't just mean bodily hotness. It can also be anything from driving a cool car to having a party skill like card tricks or bartending.

Wow, I disagree completely. Arrogance is status-oriented, shallow and being interested in what other people might do for you. Confidence is based upon actually liking oneself, and being interested in other people as personalities.

To appear arrogant one must only over-dress for the occasion, shake hands too hard, and purposefully make others ill at ease. (For instance, by maintaining too much eye contact, or invading their personal space.)

Arrogance is never sexy. It might be good at getting laid outside it's age bracket, but it's never sexy.

[msmith537]

Originally Posted by Chessic Sense

Confidence = Arrogance + Sexiness

That's the equation. Confidence is just arrogance from sexy people. If you want to be confident, you have to be arrogant but also sexy. If you act like you're a badass (arrogant), and you are a badass (sexy), then you're perceived as confident. The girls say "Wow, that guy can do anything!" If you act like a badass, but you aren't a badass, then you're perceived as arrogant. The girls say "He thinks he's so cool, but he's not." If you don't act like a badass, and you are sexy, then you get put in the friend zone. The girls say "My friend Jim is cute, but he just doesn't do anything for me." If you don't act like a badass, and you're not sexy, then you're perceived as a creep or loser. The girls say "Wow, that guy doesn't get the hint. He won't quit talking to me, and he stinks."

This is why whenever I enter a room, I punch the biggest guy right in the face.

[LurkerInNJ]

You could take some acting lessons. It will help you with your presentation of yourself.

[gurujulp]

Originally Posted by msmith537

This is why whenever I enter a room, I punch the biggest guy right in the face.

The problem with this is that, being the biggest guy in most rooms I enter, I tend to have bruised and bleeding knuckles a lot- and for some reason, the broken nose hurts a lot more when I give it to myself, as I know exactly where to hit...

It doesn't make me look confident, either, but I get dates from those girls who find me crazy in a Fight Club kind of way...

[Chessic Sense]

Originally Posted by msmith537

This is why whenever I enter a room, I punch the biggest guy right in the face.

If you were a lot sexier, you could pull that off and women would clutch their chest and go "Look how confident he is!" So, y'know, if you were Batman.

Originally Posted by TruCelt

Wow, I disagree completely. Arrogance is status-oriented, shallow and being interested in what other people might do for you. Confidence is based upon actually liking oneself, and being interested in other people as personalities.

To appear arrogant one must only over-dress for the occasion, shake hands too hard, and purposefully make others ill at ease. (For instance, by maintaining too much eye contact, or invading their personal space.)

Arrogance is never sexy. It might be good at getting laid outside it's age bracket, but it's never sexy.

I didn't say arrogance was sexy. I said that sexiness converts arrogance into confidence. Two men could say the same things, walk the same way, and do the same things, and a woman's evaluation of whether it's arrogance or confidence will be determined by how his ass looks in those pants. In other words, the only difference between an arrogant man and a confident man is how hot they are.

ETA: You definition of arrogance is wrong. Both arrogance and confidence are based on liking oneself. But others' evaluation of which it is depends on how much they like you.

[Jenaroph]

What you appear to be saying here, by default, is that ugly people can't be confident, only arrogant. Is that what you're trying to say really?

[Anaamika]

Originally Posted by Jenaroph

What you appear to be saying here, by default, is that ugly people can't be confident, only arrogant. Is that what you're trying to say really?

Good point.

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by Wheelz

I have a 3-word mantra that I use when I find myself in unfamiliar and potentially unnerving situations:

"I belong here."

Whether it's a business meeting with colleagues I've just met, or a bar full of regulars I've never been to before, repeating the above to myself is a simple but effective way to help me stay calm and feel less self-conscious and intimidated.

This is a big thing, which accounts for my own nervousness in a lot of situations. I feel like I'm intruding or I'm not supposed to be there. When I do feel like it's okay for me to be in a place, I'm far, far more relaxed.

[TruCelt]

From m-w.com:

Definition of ARROGANCE
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

Definition of CONFIDENCE
1
a : a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances <had perfect confidence in her ability to succeed> b : faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way <have confidence in a leader>

Arrogance is _presumptuous_ iow baseless. Confidence is based upon reliance upon one's abilities or worth.

The difference between the two manifests generally in a sort of nervousness or frenetic quality to the energy behind arrogance.

While I understand your confusion - because confidence is sexy and arrogance isn't - I assure you that sexiness results from the difference, it's not the causal link.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Wheelz

I have a 3-word mantra that I use when I find myself in unfamiliar and potentially unnerving situations:

"I belong here."

Whether it's a business meeting with colleagues I've just met, or a bar full of regulars I've never been to before, repeating the above to myself is a simple but effective way to help me stay calm and feel less self-conscious and intimidated.

That's good. Another one is "I own you". It sounds terrible to say it, but when you think it, it comes out right.

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by tdn

That's good. Another one is "I own you". It sounds terrible to say it, but when you think it, it comes out right.

That's...pretty creepy, and goes past confidence into arrogance.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Bosstone

That's...pretty creepy, and goes past confidence into arrogance.

You don't say it out loud.

[Vinyl Turnip]

Probably even creepier when whispered.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip

Probably even creepier when whispered.

*snerk*

The first time I heard about it, I had a WTF? moment. Why would anyone even think that? But I was encouraged to give it a try, and I was surprised to find that it works. It definitely sounds strange, but if it works, it works.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by even sven

Go on OKCupid dates with people you aren't necessarily attracted to as practice dates.

OP: most of even sven's "practice" advice is good, except this part. Using innocent people builds arrogance, not confidence; if I ever found out that I was anyone's "practice date" I'd want to smack them.

[Bosstone]

Originally Posted by tdn

You don't say it out loud.

No, but it seems to me it'd still encourage an arrogant attitude. If it works, it works, I guess, but I'll pass on it.

[hdc_bst]

Originally Posted by tdn

That's good. Another one is "I own you". It sounds terrible to say it, but when you think it, it comes out right.

Hmmm... I see this as approaching the confidence/arrogance distinction. To me 'confidence' is: I belong here. It's an extremely ego-centric (in a good way) view that has no implications on anyone else's worthiness, and is unconcerned about their view of your own worthiness: I'm bad-ass.

Arrogance is 'I own you,' it's an outward looking assessment of your worthiness based on comparing it to someone else's: I'm more bad-ass than you.

[drastic_quench]

Get another drink. No, really. See how confident you feel? Note how much more loose, talkative, and happy you are. Good, now just try to emulate that when you don't have two or three drinks in you. Or just drink more; it's easier short term. Not drunk. Elevated.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by hdc_bst

Hmmm... I see this as approaching the confidence/arrogance distinction. To me 'confidence' is: I belong here. It's an extremely ego-centric (in a good way) view that has no implications on anyone else's worthiness, and is unconcerned about their view of your own worthiness: I'm bad-ass.

Arrogance is 'I own you,' it's an outward looking assessment of your worthiness based on comparing it to someone else's: I'm more bad-ass than you.

Very good points. The thing is, if you're in an extremely intimidating social situation, then you might not believe "I belong here." If you start with "I own you", then "I belong here" becomes much easier to accept. If you already feel that you are among peers, then "I own you" is indeed arrogant. I only recommend it when you really need a sudden burst of confidence. Think of it as something that can level the playing field.

[even sven]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

OP: most of even sven's "practice" advice is good, except this part. Using innocent people builds arrogance, not confidence; if I ever found out that I was anyone's "practice date" I'd want to smack them.

Taking people out to dinner and having a nice time isn't "using" them. I wouldn't suggest going on dates with people you are categorically uninterested in and that you are just plain incapable of dating, or using OKCupid to meet people even if you are married or otherwise not looking for what you advertise you are looking for, but if you are dating, date widely and broadly and as often as you can, and use that time to really learn to enjoy just getting to know other people. Even if it's not a love connection, it's still a good way to practice being interested in people and showing it, which is the foundation of having good people skills. Don't lead people on or misrepresent yourself. But don't say "no" to a first date just because there isn't instant chemistry. It'll be good experience for you either way, and hey- you never know what's going to happen!

[tdn]

even sven, I went on one of your silly "practice dates" a few years ago. Stupid divorced suburban soccer mom who loves country music and dancing. I planned on it being the worst hour of my life.

It ended up being the best year of my life. I still regret not marrying her, but I'll never regret going on that date.

[Shakes]

If we're talking about a bar situation. Sit up straight avoid folding your arms. That part should be easy to fake.

[Chessic Sense]

Originally Posted by Jenaroph

What you appear to be saying here, by default, is that ugly people can't be confident, only arrogant. Is that what you're trying to say really?

Replace "ugly" with "unsexy" as I defined above, and that's precisely what I'm saying. This whole idea that women are attracted to confidence is a farce. The perception of confidence in someone is the result of being attracted to them, not a cause. For those you're not attracted to, it's just arrogance.

[Misnomer]

Originally Posted by even sven

Don't lead people on or misrepresent yourself. But don't say "no" to a first date just because there isn't instant chemistry. It'll be good experience for you either way, and hey- you never know what's going to happen!

What you just backpedaled and described are actual dates, not "practice" dates. The practice dates that you recommended to the OP are insulting: self-confidence built at the expense of others is actually arrogance.