Why is confidence so important to females?

I hear it over and over again: If you want to get girls, you have to be confident!

I don’t know any men who have CONFIDENCE as even in the top ten list of attractive attributes for the opposite sex. Why is this so important for you women?

Trouble is that I’ve been turned down for dates about a dozen times this year by as many girls. And quite frankly, it’s hard to be confident when I can’t even get a date. I know that if I did get a date, I’d be a lot more confident, thus able to attract more girls. It’s kind of a catch 22 situation. Oh sure, they want to be “friends”, but the ones they are all hot and heavy over are dominant alpha males. Is this some sort of evolutionary throwback?

Is confidence the be all and end all of what makes you attracted to men, and things like intelligence and humor are just bonuses? Maybe I sound a bit bitter over this… but I’m curious.

I think a lot of it is the part of us that’s still ingrained that men make the first move. If you’re confidant enough to do that you’re more likely to get girls.

Plus if you don’t seem comfy in your own skin it doesn’t help. I find that one works both ways. I started getting more guys to notice me when I became comfortable with who I am and not ashamed of my height.

I cannot speak for all women. I dislike indecisive people in general. I really like people who are at ease with themselves and their decisions. I also prefer people of action rather than people who merely talk about doing things. “Take charge” people make me comfortable because maybe I am more that way. But don’t misunderstand. A person can be confident and caring and considerate at the same time.

I don’t know why your requests for dates were denied. My only advice is to get into an environment doing things you like with other people (for example, Sierra Club, or bike club, or computer club or reading club…), and mingle and perhaps end up with a date with someone of common interests. FWIW. Good luck!

Can women tell if a guy is faking it? Confidence I mean?

I think that it is the confidence that attracts, but if a man does not have intelligence, humor and sincereity, he won’t keep my attention long.

Is it similar with men – with the woman’s looks attracting more than her confidence?

I don’t know your age, Blalron. But if it helps any, I think that men can develop confidence even if they are a little shaky at first. Do those things that make you happy and which allow you to feel good about yourself. Then date your best friend if you can. :slight_smile:

I don’t know about this. I find confidence in a woman to be very attractive. Of course, it has to be balanced, I don’t like overbearing either.

What Obsidian Flutterby said is true, men are expected to make the first move, and that means it’s the man’s decision which conversations get started, which ones go further than that, etc. If it was the woman’s responsibility to make the first move, you’d hear a lot more men longing for a woman “confident” enough to do so.

Blalron, you seem young. Are you? If you are, just know that you will probably get more confident as you get older and more independent. I’ve gotten to a pretty confident stage in my life right now. I’d probably get a lot of dates if I ever actually met any women. :frowning:

Confidence is important to me too. Humor and intelligence are required for a relationship. Confidence is needed for that first date.

You said you have been turned down about a dozen times this year. Are you only asking out about 1 girl a month? If so try asking out more girls. The more girls you ask out on a date the more likely one will say yes. Plus, you can practice asking girls out which will help build your confidence even if they do say no.

Confidence also means that the guy isn’t seeming needy or desperate. Anyone, male or female, who seems desperate for a date is generally not attractive to a potential date - it sets off alarm bells about why that person is desperate. Are they expecting one date to mean they’ve found their future spouse? What have they done in other dates that turned (apparently) so many people off that now they’re desperate?

My husband, when I first met him, was overweight and had only dated a couple of women. He was confident enough to talk to me without seeming to project any “I’m fat and that bothers me” or “I’m inexperienced and nervous” ‘vibes’, and that let me pay attention to his intelligence, humor, and kindness.

You can fake confidence, but that involves building at least a little real confidence in yourself. You have to be comfortable to some extent in what you’re doing.

I never had as much attention from guys as when I was already dating someone. I think it’s because I wasn’t “on the make”, so I wasn’t projecting any desperation or nervousness feelings around them. I was just talking to them in a friendly fashion, and so I seemed confident and comfortable.

There really isn’t any difference between being confident and acting confident. No, seriously, I’ve been reading about this in some sports psychology books (I do a dangerous sport but I’m really a bit of a wussy).

“If I was very confident how would I approach this situation?” Eventually “faking it” will become the real thing, because you will have practiced confidence till it feels natural.

Or, in the words of one of my coaches: “Be brave. And if you can’t be brave, pretend.”

Guys do look for confidence in women, even if they don’t say they do. At least, they always seem to be clustered around the perky outgoing girls, regardless of looks or other personal traits, while we shy types simply get ignored.

If you’re not confident enough to approach us for a conversation, at least, we might not ever realize that you exist.

If you lack confidence, and therefore come off as desperate and/or clingy, we’re put off. It’d be like having a kid or something.

Personally, I like seeing some confidence because it tells me that, in a pinch, I could possibly depend on this person. He’s comfortable in his ability to act and exist–he could handle bad times. He’s not going to freak out because I snap at him as the result of an incredibly bad day, or threaten to kill himself if I break up with him (probably–or at least that’s my reasoning).

Ferret Herder, Hello Again, that’s what I was hoping you’d say. Thanks!

Evolutionary? Yes. Throwback? No.

Evolutionary forces shaped us and they continue to shape up. Evolutionary forces did not end once the “modern era” (insert arbitrary date here) began.

Evolutionary biology has taught us that females look for stability in their potential mates, and a superior ability to gather the resources needed to support offspring. A confident male is one who can gather more resources than a less-than-confident male can.

So, yes, women go for alpha males … that’s why they’re called alpha males.

And, as usual, there are many, many exceptions to this very general scheme. I’m only talking about broad evolutionary trends … YMMV.

It’s not so much that confident males are more likely to have superior abilities to gather resources, it’s that those with superior abilities to gather resources are more likely to be confident.

Do what you can to maximize your personal appearance and appeal to the opposite sex. If you are markedly overweight, poorly dressed or poorly groomed you are starting with two strikes against you.

Many women will say out of politeness that looks are not that all important. Most often this is a bald faced lie unless the woman is not that attractive herself and has to “settle”. Looks and grooming aren’t always everything, but they will get you in the door (or even chased) . I have been heavy, and I have been trim and I have seen opportunities and interest rise and fall in direct accordance with the scale. I don’t blame women for this. They are making a reasonable and rational estimate of my date and mate appeal based on how well I take care of myself.

There are typically a few combinations of things that will interest a girl in you

Good looks + attitude
Athletic build + attitude
Demonstrated resources -wealth or conspicuous display of some sort + attitude
Demonstrated skill - professional/educational attainment, high intelligence, musical/ art skill etc. etc. of some sort + attitude

“Attitude” in this context basically resolves itself not into some swaggering braggadocio, but mainly into the ability to talk to women and keep them pleasantly amused and interested and feeling good about themselves with sincere, non-obvious flattery.

Assuming you have got their ear here is where the battle is lost or won. There is no standard rap here that is guaranteed to get results other than the ability to be witty and low key in light conversation. Women are as different in their personal likes and dislikes as men and you have to play it by ear. If you can’t do this or learn to do this you had better have an expensive car, a big house or be a well toned hardbody.

Confidence is very important and you have to learn

1: How to sell yourself - ( ie maximize appearance etc)
2: Realize it’s a numbers game
3: Keep trying and trying
4: Don’t get discouraged - if you hone your dating skills you will be successful and skills have to be acquired though intelligent application and practice.

You also have to set the stage for asking a girl out with some care. Ask at least a week or two ahead and have something entertaining to go to like a classical concert of a play.

Precisely. A friend keeps trying to set me up with an acquaintance. While her friend is quite pretty, she reeks of desperation. Big turn off.

Because people who sit there and just constantly put themselves down and all are really REALLY annoying.

And in some cases, turn out very creepy.


BlackNight: The EGG, I tell you!


BlackNight: EGG!


BlackNight: EGG!

Me: Oh look, this isn’t an argument.

BlackNight: Yes it is.

Me: No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.

BlackNight: No it isn’t.

Me: It is!

BlackNight: It is not.

Me: Look, you just contradicted me.

BlackNight: I did not.

</Monty Python>

Okay, let me try this again:

I’d just like to second everything said here. It’s exactly how I feel.

And to clarify something, it isn’t about a man being confident he can get a date. It’s about confidence and self-esteem in general.

And, yes, faked confidence is always found out, if not at first, then eventually. People say so much with their words, and so much more by their actions.