This is going to be an opionated answer thread, so in IMHO it goes.
Why is confidence so important, socially?
Salesmanship. Social value is all relative – if you present yourself as someone who is interesting and attractive and smart and able to handle yourself, then people start with that assumption. They may learn otherwise in time, but it’s easier to maintain that image than to build it from nothing.
Of course, I could be wrong. Everything I say is stupid anyway.
Honestly? I think it’s because people instantly (if sometimes subconsciously) assess others on the “Greater Than I/Lesser Than I” scale. Sort of an “Alpha Dog” thing, if you will. And if you come across to too many people as the dog who’s waiting to be kicked, well… they’ll kick ya.
This is a horrible thing to admit, but I recently met a person who was extremely nice, smart, thoughtful, etc… But I just didn’t like her very much, and I couldn’t figure out why (which made me feel both guilty and all the more determined to like her).
Anyway, I was watching, or listening to, or reading something, where one person said to another, “You walk around here like a dog waiting to be kicked, and then act shocked when you get kicked!” (Not an exact quote, but you get the idea.)
And it hit me, like seven grand pianos falling from the sky, that this was EXACTLY how I thought of this person. She really did give off a vibe equivalent to a neon “Kick Me” sign on her forehead, which I guess made me (and others) sort of subconciously feel like, “Hell, if SHE doesn’t like HERSELF, why should WE like her?”
That’s the best I can do.
I would guess that there are at least two reasons. The most important reason is that we unconsciously assume that a person with confidence has reason to be confident. True, people often feign confidence, and more often are deluded in their real confidence, but this doesn’t diminish our impression that this is a person who succeeds on a regular basis.
Conversely, when confronted with a person who acts as though they doubt their abilities, we naturally wonder what experiences this person has had to lead him to doubt him or her self. It’s true that many who project a lack of confidence do so because they acknowledge that everyone is wrong sometimes, and they may well be more sensitive to their own failures than more confident people are, but this doesn’t register as viscerally as the boldness of certainty.
In addition, many people are genuinely unconfident and truely desire a strong leader. In such situations vacillation can be annoying and even dangerous. Confidence can bring up the hopes (illusory though they may be) of an entire group.
I reiterate, most of this is illusion. In my experience, confidence is more often the fruit of stupidity than of success.
One reason I can thinkof why self confidence is important is SEX! No confidence, no sex, that is just the way it works!
Confidence is the social tool that most likely initiates social interaction. Lack of confidence is a lack of interaction. People with little confidence have fewer instances of sustaining an interaction.
I don’t think of it as a matter of “I’m looking to talk to someone who has confidence,” but of “I’m looking for someone who will keep talking to me.”
Subtle - I like it.
They can smell fear.
Sometimes it just seems burdensome to deal with a person who is not confident. If you’re a nice person (which I hope I am) you just always feel like you have to be boosting them up and making them feel better, and you worry about saying anything that might make them feel even more self-conscious. With a confident person, you can relax.
Of course, it’s pretty burdensome to deal with someone who’s over-confident as well, what with the cringing and the gritting of teeth and the constant irritation . . . Overall I’d rather hang out with a shy person than an egomaniacal jerk.
Oh, Podkayne, that’s so what I was thinking!
That, and:
I don’t know why so many people value confidence, but it’s pretty high on my list of overrated personal qualities. In my experience, people who are in the habit of doubting and criticizing themselves make better workers and much better friends. (I do have some empirical evidence for this; when my students turn in major papers, I sometimes ask them to write down whether they are satisfied with their work and what they would do to improve it. Invariably, the best essays come from the ones who are not fully satisfied, while the students who are doing C-level work write things like, “I’m very satisfied with this paper because I have faith in myself.”)
Personally, I’m much more inclined to trust people who show a certain amount of humility and self-reflection, but for some reason these traits don’t seem to go over well with people in general.
I think a person can be confident and humble at the same time.
Like Violet, I think confidence and humility need not be mutually exclusive (neither do confidence and self-reflection), but you do bring up an interesting point, and one which extends far beyond the ability to write a good essay…
I think a little humility could do us ALL some good…:rolleyes:
I think it’s the feel good factor. When you deal with a confident person, it feels good. A person who is assured of herself radiates a sort of positive mentality that rubs off on you.
One can be humble and confident at the same time.
A great balance if you can pull it off.
All too true. In fact, history is replete with examples of this on a national scale. Alexander the Great, George Washington, Napoleon, Winston Churchill — What they had in common was a confidence in the rightness of their cause and their own ability to succeed. The truth is, except for a few notable exceptions like Gustavus Adolphus, Napoleon, or Patton, who were all skillful tacticians, etc., a lot of great leaders are not especially good at anything other than inspiring others to give it their utmost. (And I’m aware that I’m going off into a military tangent here.) All other things being equal, a battle or a war will be won by the side that believes it can win more strongly than the other. And the confidence of each side’s leaders is what forms that drive, known as the “will to win.”
If you look at pro football coaches, very few of the really successful ones were quiet, reticent men. All of them could be considered more confident than average. They may not have tooted their own horn, but deep down they knew they were good at what they did, and instilled that same confidence in their players.
On a more personal level, I agree with the other Posters who said a lack of confidence is just unattractive. In the absence of other information, we are most likely to believe whatever a person seems to believe about themselves.
I always thought I lacked confidence until I met this one girl at school last August. About the only bit of confidence she showed was to approach me on the first day of school and say hi. That was about it. Then something happend at the school and she was full of “should haves” or “what ifs” and “it’s all my fault” and it got to me. I felt like shouting, “Either do something about it or shut the hell up!” Plus, she was one of those people who questioned everything I did. “Why do you do that? Don’t you care what people think? Geez, I would be SO embarassed.” Now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to be friends with her anymore (there are more reasons; this is just one).
Personally, I like being friends with people who have lots of self-confidence because they’re sure of what they’re doing and they don’t question things all the time (“Should I do this or that?” “Oh, I should have done that, shouldn’t I?” “Well, what if this happens?”)