A thought occurred to me today when a friend of mine told me I ought to be more confident in my dealings with the fairer sex. Isn’t this kind of advice telling me to actively engage in self-delusion? Think about it… attempting to increase my confidence would involve a mantra of positive thoughts, right? Although I don’t exactly actively doubt myself, putting too much faith on the other end would be just as futile, wouldn’t it?
Something I was wondering, anyway…
Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=confidence
Why self-delusion? Do you make other decisions based upon confidence? When you learned to drive (assuming you have been driving for years) how did you develop self-confidence behind the wheel? A mistake in learning drive might be a fender-bender, or worse, but little beyond that with a good driving instructor. (Let’s hope so!)
OTOH, interacting with the fairer sex has to start somewhere, badsed on a trust that other person may be just as nervous as you, might be less confident than you, that we’ve all been there, done that before. Some succeed early. Others need more time. And don’t worry. Most people “succeed.”
Source: Red as narrator in The Shawshank Redemption
Get busy living. The worst she can say to you is no. It will be her loss. And if she says yes, …?
Ahhh, yes - I’ve though about the same thing:
How to be confident in your abilities when you have a bad or non-existant track record? The usual answer is “fake it 'till you make it”.
I tend to agree that the type of confidence you want - that which is based on having done something numerous times and succeeded - is by definition impossible to aquire at first legitimately. I mean, how can you rely on or draw from something you don’t have yet?
It’s sort of like the circle involved in getting your first job: “I can’t get a job because I don’t have experience; I don’t have experience because I can’t get a job” For some that cycle is broken by luck, but for most it’s broken by jumping in and taking a crappy job, then a better one, and after an undetermined time, being good enough to get what you want.
It does take a certain amount of removing yourself from reality; almost being a bit dillusional in the sense of acting confident despite having nothing to base it on. But I’ve found that strict scientific “show me the proof before I beleive it” thinking has no place in such matters. You’ll find success much quicker if you just jump in rather than by being rational and calculating.
And believe me, nobody cares why you are confident, just that you are. Some guys rely on liquid courage, others are confident because they know they’re attractive, and plenty have a stuck-up attitude that’s based on irrational things to begin with - the stereotypical “jerks”. All of the above reasons for confidence are pretty foolish, but alcoholics, pretty boys, and jerks still get women, so obviously nobody’s looking very deep into why you act the way you do.
So Confidence = Blind optimism? Yes, at first. But so what? Your audience doesn’t know, or care, and it’s only temporary anyways.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be confidence in something you’ve done a million times. It can be confidence in the idea that you have something to offer another person, regarding romance, friendship, intellectual companionship, whatever. Confidence in the idea that you are a kind person and that kindness will make you attractive to the other person. Confidence in the idea that you can tell a good joke and girls always like a good joke. Confidence in the idea that your shirt goes with your pants and your shoes don’t look like shit. It can be anything.
This is the kind of claptrap often spouted by those who have no clue. Just pleasent sounding drivel to fill up the viod and sound “deep”. In your place I would pay them no attention. There is no definition for “more confident.” It has no meaning what-so-ever. They might as well have said, “Just be different than you are, then everything will be fine.”
I have no idea what your situation is but basing any future decision on how to conduct your life on such advice would be highly questionable. If you have some kind of difinable problem then get busy defining it and then find such help as you can in overcoming it. Don’t assume this well meaning freind is right or even that they know what they are talking about.
Just because you are not chasing away girls with a broom does not mean that there is anything wrong with how you are conducting yourself.
These replies have been nothing short of excellent, thank you all for your insight… I’ve got some serious thinking to do now.