Self-confidence

Is there any way to help someone else acquire self-confidence or is self-doubt and insecurity a personality characteristic some people - whether through nature or nurture - will always possess no matter how they struggle?

I don’t know if you can help someone else - it depends on whether they will listen to you or not.

But yes, people can develop self-confidence. It comes from success, and success comes from planning and practice. If the other person will let you assist them in planning and practice, you can assist them in developing self-confidence, to a great degree.

Regards,
Shodan

Everyone suffers from low self-confidence from time to time, to a greater or lesser extent. Accomplishments or new skills tend to help self-confidence for most people. But it’s an ongoing battle for many and some never quite achieve the level they would like.

I think there is some validity to “fake it til you make it”.

I vaguely remember an episode on Brain Games that sort of proves this point.

It’s difficult sometimes to judge just how insecure someone is. Maintaining silence, for instance, can be interpreted a number of different ways. But when a good friend habitually expresses self-doubt, or a no-can-do attitude, it’s fairly plain to see.

One would think that setting small goals and achieving limited success would over time build confidence, yet that does not always seem to be the case with everyone. Is there some other means to acquire self confidence? I don’t know, positive self-talk or something like that?

Grrr! And Shodan combined have it right in my opinion. Pretending to have self confidence can help give you the good results that will build true self confidence especially in social situations. For other thing simply having succesd will build self confidence and having a good plan can fill in for self confidence until you gain it. So if you’re going to paint a room knowing exactly how you’re going to succeed can fill in for just knowing you know how to paint a room, after you’ve painted a dozen that look good you’ll have confidence you know how to paint a roomm

I think it depends on the specific situation. For example, if someone is un-confident at work, maybe there are external factors in play, like an unsupportive team or boss or environment - which can be remedied by getting away from that situation. Or if they are just not good at that job, get a different one. If it is a particular life skill, such as cooking or swimming, then planning and practice can improve performance and thus success can build on success to build confidence. Taking small steps toward a goal and achieving them is helpful. And, as Shodan mentioned, someone must want to get better at something - you cannot help someone who does not want help or does not want to get better at something.

IME chronic self doubt happens when you habitually put yourself into situations that require different skills from what you’ve developed in yourself. I have never been a particularly social person. For a long time I kept finding myself in social situations, because I was taught that good, well-adjusted people enjoy interacting with other people. I was awkward, frequently misspoke or misread situations, just miserable and felt a failure. What works is a bit of honest introspection to work out what you like and what you’re good at, and try and get more of that in your routine. What also helps is having an ally in your life who will point out your strengths for you because when something comes easily it’s natural to assume it’s easy for everyone. Standard, and so unremarkable. Once you have demonstrated to yourself that you have actual strengths and that you know what those are, it’s a lot easier to stray out of your comfort zone and take on foreign concepts.

I reject the notion that the insecure person needs to work on anything apart from knowing and accepting who they already are. Conforming to someone else’s idea of confident and competent is the worst kind of betrayal. Essentially a murder of the self.

Encouragement and support from friends and family can help. But if your low self confidence is due to unhealthy relationships with family or friends, their “help” may not be accepted as genuine or sincere. So context and personal history matters.

Therapy is another way to go if that’s available and the person is willing to go that route.

I know of one case where independence and a healthy dose of challenge & controlled hardship served to build a tremendous change in a sense of self-confidence and achievement.

There is no one size fits all solution. So you have to try different things until you find what works.

Too broad a question, IMO.

Some who are lacking in self-confidence are surrounded by people who are never going to give them the opportunity to change, and then it’s entirely up to the unconfident to get away from those people. You can always *try *to help, but you may never succeed.

Similarly, some people wallow in self-pity so often that you have to wonder if it’s where they want to be, maybe to get attention or to justify their lack of initiative.

In any case, listening to people while they’re talking is just one easy way to help them gain confidence. And there are several ways of listening to people. With some, you can hang on their every word to show that they’re deserving of your attention, and with others you can push the conversation along so that they forget to be shy and nervous. There’s an old guy in my neighborhood who’s had a few strokes or something and sometimes has a hard time talking. If he trips up on one word and I have to tell him I don’t understand, it’ll make him nervous and things usually get worse from there. But on days when we greet each other with a smile and a laugh, the best thing I can do is not to hang on his every word but to keep the mirth just under the surface and respond with little remarks, practically interrupting him. It lets him know I’m going to laugh in the end, but I’m waiting for the payoff.

So, like I said, too broad a question, but I’m going to answer yes.

Well, when I get sad or lack confidence, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

I think the majority of people can gain self confidence some people have it naturally and others must develop it through practice. If you’ve ever seen videos of Cus D’Amato, Mike Tyson’s trainer the guy had a very unique philosophy on boxing that places greater significance on the mental aspect than the physical side of the equation.

In a lot of ways Tyson was a broken-spirited little boy when he came upon him, he did have talent but he had no confidence in his own abilities. Cus trained Mike who became the youngest heavyweight champion of the world as well as the boxer before him who held the record, he made to first convince Mike to believe and act like he was a champion before he actually became one:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bJD09c046n8

Get Confident, Stupid!

Insecurity and self-doubt is something almost everybody struggles with. Some people are better at putting these fears aside - due to personality (or personality defects), experience, social supports, better self-messaging, education or opportunity.

It can almost always be improved. There are limits, however, on how self-confident you would want someone to be.

IMHO, the short and most widely applicable answer is you try different things, while giving yourself permission to fail so that you can learn.

Good advice for oneself but OP refers to others.

I’ve always had plenty of self-confidence in some areas and almost none in others. I’ve always been successful in my work (although I’ve been doing it a long time and am getting a little weary). I am confident in my ability to pick up a guitar and entertain people. I’m also good at seeing the good in people.

I have never been successful in fitting parts together; my mechanical ability is abysmal. I can pay people to do that for me. However, I did manage to unclog the sunroof drain in one of our cars and fix a leak in our shower head in the same week recently). Any math beyond middle school level (with the exception of logic and stats) is beyond me. I don’t need it anyway. I never had confidence when it came to romantic relationships. I got lucky and found someone who was so smitten by me that she showed enormous patience, and we’ve been together for decades. If I were back in the market, though, my self-confidence would be back to zero.

I’d suggest a doctor visit for depression screening.
~VOW

You talking to me? :slight_smile: I’m already on antidepressant/anxiety meds for work crap. I tell people that if they want to see me pissed off they have a ten minute window or I’ll be past it. I’m a couple years older than Ms. P, so I’m likely to kick the bucket first. If I’m single again, my biggest problem is likely to be crapping my pants.

I have Asperger’s Syndrome.
This was not known about in England when I was growing up, so I had great difficulty making friends and therefore lacked confidence.

Fortunately I had a natural ability for chess (which is not unusual with Asperger’s) and once I joined a chess club aged 13 things changed. Adults asked me for advice and I became a team captain at 16.
So I rapidly got self-respect and self-confidence.