Maybe stop calling it self-confidence, that’s just too broad to be useful. People who are confident about everything are assholes. A more useful question is how to get good enough at something that you feel confident not just about that thing but adjacent things, and then, rather surprising things.
To get good at almost anything, you need to be able to be able to
find the beginning and start there. The beginning is a place where risk is low, experience is not necessary, and investment is minimal.
learn to fail and self-correct, without quitting. This is also known as “learning”.
Getting confident in one thing has effects on other things you are less confident about. Mostly it teaches you the process.
Example from my life: singing. I thought I had a good voice but had zero musical training, could not read music, match pitch, anything. I joined my “easy” church choir where everyone sang in unison and the songs were simple to memorize. Gradually I became comfortable enough to start trying to learn the notes, etc. After some years of total acceptance and praise (I needed all of that) I became brave enough to take voice lessons. By that time I knew I had a good voice, could follow a simple score, but a few years of voice lessons totally transformed both my voice and my level of confidence. I began singing solos, complex music, joined a semi-pro choir … but I didn’t start there. I started at the beginning, and just kept doing it.
Exactly. Failing and not quitting, combined with a realization that the consequences are not very great is a great confidence builder.
To use a personal example, I wasn’t too good at dating when I was younger. It took me asking a bunch of women out and getting turned down by some to realize that there wasn’t any real reason to sweat asking a woman out for a date- if she says yes, that’s great, and if she says no, it’s not a big deal. If anything, it was the second part that changed how I acted more than anything- I knew that I wasn’t going to sweat it either way, which made me behave in a lot less nervous and tentative fashion, and I was just a lot more fun to be around.
I think what you say is probably true for the vast majority. But…breaking out of a vicious circle can be easier said than done. Maybe it partly depends on how often the individual (male or female) gets turned down. If I had known I was going to hear yes about as often as I heard no, I could have convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal. The more I heard no, the more nervous and tentative I got. It was bad enough that I was nervous calling up the future Ms. P until we’d gone out a few times. Hell, even with the anti anxiety meds that make me not sweat much of anything the memory brings back anxious feelings. On the other hand, job interviews got a lot easier even though the stakes were obviously higher and I had less practice with them than I had asking for dates.
There was a girl in my extended family, about 12, who would say “I’m sorry” several times an hour. I took her aside and gave her some advice. Next time you want to say “I’m sorry”, think instead “I’m better than that” and say nothing. A couple of times after that, when I expected her to say “I’m sorry”, I glanced over at her, and saw her smiling at me.
And prone to mistakes because of a lack of self-doubt.
I think there are benefits to self-doubt in certain circumstances. I am a non-fiction author. Self-doubt makes me check everything two or three times which is essential when offering original ideas. At times my self-doubt has been crippling, but mostly it is very useful to eliminate rushed decisions.
So I don’t think confidence or self-doubt are automatically good or bad - too much or too little of either can lead to a mess.
Now all we need is someone here to define exactly how much we need of each and a way for us to know! Too hard basket for me!
You have to be confident that you have had enough self-doubt to be sure of yourself. Check mirror before going out, check tires before driving, check spelling before publishing, etc.
In some disciplines, they talk about learning and then forgetting, and I think it’s similar.
It boils down to humility. Not believing your own bullshit. Finding amusement in your own shortcomings.