I hope this is the right place to post, if not please move for better placement.
I have a newly acquired friend who sees nothing good in himself and is really struggling with the issue. I think he’s trying to find ways for himself to do something about it (I’m guessing self help web sites), we have talked about it (a little) and I am so confused because I don’t know what to do.
He’s the kindest and friendliest person I now, just shy and awkward when you meet him first. Most his issues probably stem from being bullied in school - yet now he’s very high achieving both at work and at sports. Why is his later found success not enough to pick him up? What could I do as a friend to help him see how awesome he is? I’m afraid that if he understands how worried I am he might start to stay more distant (like he was before). Generally we just joke around and if I suddenly change my behavior he might get weirded out.
I could use some advice here because no matter how hard I try I cannot quite understand his attitude. So, please Dopers, have any of you been in this situation before? What would be the best approach? If you ever had the same issue, how did you start feeling good about yourself?
Point out to him those acts he does which are esteemable. That’d be where I’d start. After that, it’ll be up to him to internalize the connection between doing good things and being a good person.
I know that a lot of Dopers will disagree with me on this, but he (and you) need to realize that it doesn’t come from without. There are some extremely successful people with low self-esteem, and very unsuccessful people with high self-esteem. It really comes from within.
There are lots of great strategies, but a great place to start is for him to become aware of any negative self-talk. That can be tough enough, because those thoughts can really go under the radar. Once he becomes aware of them, he can replace them with positive thoughts. It won’t happen overnight, but it’s a life-long practice that will serve him well.
And I recommend he read David Burns, Nathanial Branden, and Thich Naht Hanh.
This is what I’ve been trying to do, should make more of an effort still. I also try to stop him from putting himself down verbally all the time but that seems to be a real sucker of a habit - he seems to have a ton of things he doesn’t like about himself and things just keep coming up.
That’s what I always thought from my experience, it seems I was born with high self-esteem and I believe in myself, that’s what I’d like for him to learn as well. If there is nothing to build on within him, it’s surely going to be a long journey.
Thanks for the tips, I’ll get him a copy of Feeling Good for starters! And I’ll definitely pick up some reading for myself just to get a better feel for the problem.
Nice piece of advice, in other circumstances that would’ve been my first option as well Only problem is that I’m practically married to another guy! So I’m trying to get him out to meet some available female friends of mine.
True. But genuine self-esteem must, at its basis, start with doing esteemable acts. Without that part, one won’t get anywhere. With that part, one may or may not go anywhere, but that’s still step #2.
Too many approaches to raising self-esteem ignore that part. Such approaches may succeed in making one grandiose, if a true reason for esteeming oneself is not present.
Otherwise, I endorse Dr. Burns’ CBT approach to this issue.
They might be great books but somehow I think that you should avoid The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem and Boosting Self-Esteem For Dummies.
Self esteem is not a product–it’s a process. It comes from internalizing a sense of self worth via what it is we do–across many levels and domains. You can keep trying to convince him he’s a great person, but really he needs to do things that will change up his cognitive distortions.
First, he may be depressed. Regardless of how he acts in front of other people, he can still be clinically depressed. He needs to talk to his doctor about it.
Second, you can’t understand his point of view because the way he sees the world is totally different than how you see it. When a person spends a long time with low self esteem their brain gets used to it. Even though it makes them feel bad, it just feels right, like a well worn groove on a record. It makes it that much more difficult to break out of, and the longer it’s gone on the easier it is for them to rationalize whatever response they need to keep their worldview intact.
You weren’t born with good self esteem, you learned it. You had the support, validation, relationships, or whatever that he didn’t. If he was bullied, then that’s a really start toward low self esteem (and depression). Bullying makes you question your worth, think that no one will help you cuz they don’t like you, keep your head down to avoid attention, and just be miserable all the time. The longer it goes on, the worse the effects are.
This is something that’s going to take a long time. He needs support and probably professional help too. If you push him too hard on it, it might make him angry enough to keep you at a distance. If you don’t push him at all, he might think you dont care, and keep you at a distance.
How do I know all this? Because that’s where I am, minus the work success, ability to do any sports, and relationship with women. When you start off with the assumptions that it’s your fault no matter what, that you’re ugly/stupid/worthless, and that you don’t deserve to be happy, your worldview tends to be different from other people’s
I second pretty much everything hotflungwok said, and Qadgop’s bit about pointing out esteemable deeds too.
Here’s a thought. You sound as if you have considerable experience being supportive to your friends, albeit not on this issue. Some features of support apply regardless of the problem- start with those, if you feel stuck. There’s a reason you’re friends; start with that if you can’t think of any others.
Now is not the time to try to to help him meet people (unless he asked you to). There will be a time for it, but if he feels crappy enough about himself (which in the beginning he may) it’ll put people off and make him feel worse.
This is so true and it’s one of my fears as well. I was actually avoiding even thinking about it, I’m such a wuss. Thank you.
Finding the balance between not caring and caring too much seems challenging but this was one of my original worries. I don’t want to scare him off but I don’t want him to feel this way much longer since it affects every aspect of his life! I’m thinking baby steps but I’d love to see progress too.
True, thank you! No matter what the actual issue, friendliness and company should definitely provide some emotional support. I’ll keep doing what I do anyway and tackle the self hate as it comes up. But I don’t want to train him to hide it, I want him to stop thinking about it all together!
Thanks everyone, I hope this issue is possible to deal with over time. Great advice from so many people, thank you!
Only problem is that I’m practically married to another guy! So I’m trying to get him out to meet some available female friends of mine.