Self Esteem

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have this friend ( yeah, that’s it…a friend) and he has terrible self esteem. I was wondering if those self help books really help. You see these reviews about the books saying things like, “This book is the best way to help you have a positive self image.”

Sounds like a load of horse shit to me. But, has anyone out there ever read any of these books? Did it help in anyway? How the hell can a book written by someone I’ve never met, and will never meet possibly help me feel better about myself?

If the books don’t help, what does? I have friends that can walk into a room, and just KNOW that they are the shit. It’s like they seem to own the room, and they are just full of self esteem. I don’t understand how the hell they do that. I walk into a room, and immediately wonder why everyone is staring at me. How does one boost their self esteem?

2

Depends on the book really. I don’t really go for those “self help” books, but have read some inspiring books.

One author I recommend is Denis Waitley. Specifically the book I found that helped me was The Psychology of Winning. Come to think of it, I should whip it out and read it.

This lead me to “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain. This is a “new age” book, and some of the things in there seem a little weird, but I combined the two books to come up with a visualization technique that worked for me. I came out of a serious slump in my life and for 4 years things seemed to have changed. Since I stopped my visualization techniques a long time ago, I wonder if that isn’t part of why I have been going through some crap.

Thanks for bringing this up, I think I will get those books out again and start my visualizations :slight_smile:

3

I used to think I didn’t have any self esteem, too. I figured my life was interminably boring, that I made no contributions to society, and was basically a good-for-nothing no one could ever love or even like.

I started thinking about it, trying to figure out what I have and what I want out of life. One big step for me was to make a list of my interests and things I’m good at. It took me about 30 minutes to think of maybe a dozen things. I listed hobbies, things I collect, what kinds of music and art I like, what kinds of books I like to read, everything that I do that isn’t work or family related. I was really impressed with what I came up with - it turns out I am a fabulous person with wide ranging interests and many avenues to contribute.

The next step is to figure out what I want. I’d like to become a teacher, since I’m good with kids and I’m interested in academics. Think about what you want to do, and come up with ways to actually do it. Figure out what’s holding you back (in my case, I’m lethargic), and work to overcome it. Set a reasonable timetable for you to reach your goal, and have some shorter term goals along the way if you like.

To answer your original question, do the books help, I don’t really know. I’ve read a couple (skimmed, really) that my mom has about being assertive and stuff like that, and it all sounded like so much hooey. Maybe 3 paragraphs of useful information in a 170 page book, and of course they aren’t all together so you just have to sort it out later and take away what you can use. If that’s the route you want to go for self-esteem, I’d recommend checking a couple out from the library and skimming them. Any bits that sound interesting, or applicable to you, read more thoroughly.

Maybe it’s because of the board format, but as far as I can tell from your posts, you sound like you’re doing ok considering your circumstances. If you’re as nice in real life as you seem to be here, you’re doing fine. And remember, of course, that you are your own worst critic. Try to become your biggest fan.

4

The Crackwhore Guide to Self-Esteem

Think positively. Be positive.

Decide what it is you like about yourself and focus on that. Build on those traits everyday.

Remember that you are unique and have a lot to offer the world. Remind yourself that until you believe it.

There, three easy steps to being self-confident and I didn’t even charge you. I am even throwing in a bonus tip for you…When you walk into the room and feel like people are staring at you, tell yourself it’s because you have peaked their interest, that they are curious, and want to get to know you…either that or your fly is down.

I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!

5

I think it obviously depends on the book and it depends on the person. If you think you need a boost, go for it, it’s certainly not gonna hurt. And like everyone else said, it’s a very internal process, you really have to like yourself, take time out for yourself, indulge. Don’t worry so much about what others might be thinking of you, they might be doing the same thing! Just hold your head up high and project yourself outward. If it doesn’t come naturally you just have to keep doing it. It’s a learning process, kind of like swimming or riding a bike. I say give the books a shot, reading is always a good thing.

so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts. what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts? Tori Amos

6

I strongly recommend omnipotence.
Works for me.

7

Geez, this is a tough board if GOD only ranks as ‘member’!

I’ll try to relate this to my own life to give my answer… When I train umpires, I tell them, there’s no substitute for knowing the rules. How does that relate to this thread? Well, I realized that when I felt most worthless, and that everyone was staring at me was when I was uncomfortable with my surroundings. I didn’t know the rules. Hell, it’s depressing. You feel like everyone in the whole world knows something that you don’t. My first day of umpiring, barely five years ago, I about crumpled under the pressure of work a 8 & under machine pitch baseball game! I called my brother, (an umpire of many years) almost in tears… “How can you do this?!..” I absolutely love it now. This year I got accepted in our NCAA college group.

Sorry my answer is so long. My short answer is I agree with missdavis102. If you get involved with something you like, you’ll eventually be around people who will share your interests and listen to your opinions, and THAT has to help self esteem more than a self help book.

Enright3
professional layperson

8

all of the above.

IMHO one of the greatest benefits of the good self help books is the reminder that you’re not alone - that everyone feels this way at some time or other.

Don’t forget that it is lack of SELF esteem. Others probably think well of you - and they’re probably correct!

9

Self-esteem is not the solution to your problems, it is the reward for working through them. The only way to get self-esteem is to earn it through hard work.

Most self-help books, I’ve found, confuse self-esteem with self-confidence, or completely ignore the fact that feeling good about yourself is the result of being a good person.

The only self-help book I’ve read worth beans is Peter McWilliams’ Let’s Do It!. He doesn’t talk about self-esteem, just the obstacles people create that keep them from doing the things they want to.

10

Read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

Yes, I know a lot of people hate Rand, but I happen to agree with a lot of what she wrote. So if somebody reading this wants to jump down my throat about it, start another thread.
– Sylence

I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.

11

I personally like Anthony Robbins’ “Awaken The Giant Within.” Nothing earth-shattering, but it inspired me to TAKE ACTION, not just sit around feeling sorry for myself.

The odds that the bread will fall butter side down are directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

12

I want to second this thought. I just went to a big conference downtown where I didn’t know anyone or even what was going to happen that day. While I was still waiting for things to get started I realized I was in this highly defensive, insecure personality mode. I felt like it was the first day of high school and I was wearing last year’s fashions.

When I realized this I was able to overcome it somewhat but it was directly related to my lack of knowledge about what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to act.

I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those people who are immediately comfortable in any situation, but I know I’m capable and competent and, given time, I will be become comfortable. But it was easy for me to slip into a general “I’m hopeless” mood because of the new situation.

I think missdavis and the others have some good advice. The only thing I would add is that sometimes it just takes time. In the meantime try to relax and recognize that everyone else is probably feeling about the same as you are, even if they’re not showing it.

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

13

I’m not so keen on self-help books. Most of the ones I’ve looked at are along the lines of Method Acting for Success, and that doesn’t really get to the root of it, at least for me. I personally think it’s all about knowing what you’re good at/for. Have some friends tell you what they like about you. Also, like my daddy always told me, it’s important to keep perspective. Like, sure, I have faults, but SFW? So does everyone else. If I know what they are, I can work on 'em, and that’s all anyone can ask, so problem solved.
Okay, not really, but it’s a start.

As for feeling uncomfortable in a room, dude, it’s all about an inner soundtrack. If you enter a room with the 007 theme playing in your head, (or my personal favorite, Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing) guaranteed it takes some of the edge off. Sure, it sounds dorky, but just don’t tell anyone you’re doing it, and you’re all good. :slight_smile:

“Are you frightened of snakes?”
“Only if they dress up as werewolves.”
–Preacher

14

One of the best ways to improve your self esteem is to concentrate on other people…then you don’t have so much time to think about yourself and slide into self pity. Concentrating on others…not only increases their self esteem…but could make you some new friends…

“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda

You wanna know something about me…ask me…not my friends…

15

I’m with Phouka. The educational community and Oprah jumped on the self-esteem band wagon as a solution for everything. It turns out the kids with the highest self-esteem are black boys in a gang!
Learn to do something well, let yourself be proud about it, and you have self-esteem. But, you have to do the work first! And, I’ll bet you already have several things you’re really good at.

16

You want self-esteem? The first step is to quit being so worthless. It worked for me, and who the hell are you to question me? Look, there’s nothing you can do about the fact that you are unatractive and that you have a faint but distracting smell which lingers after you have gone.

What, are you gonna cry? Huh, cry baby? Waah, waah, I’m a big cry baby! You make me sick.