women: your opinion of a man with depression

In a recent thread (I’m not going to link, its not that relevant), it was expressed that one of the more attractive qualities a man can possess is confidence. Not that this is news to anybody, its been known for quite awhile. If a man you might be interested in tells you that he has, or has had depression in the past would you consider that a lack of confidence. Just from my own experience anytime I’ve brought up my problems with depression with a woman who seems interested they tend to turn away. (I’ve since learned to not be so honest). What’s your opinions?

Depression doesn’t always mean lack of confidence. If a guy told me he suffers from chronic depression, I wouldn’t automatically assume anything about his self-confidence.

But I would worry if he was laying this information on me early in the relationship. It’s one thing if I had known him for some time prior to us dating. But if I don’t know anything about his pre-depression personality, and the first thing out of the gate is “Hi. I’m depressed. Nice to meet you”, I would likely run away. I don’t think there’s any shame in depression, but still.

It would entirely depend on the presentation, timing, and individual.

I can’t say I’ve ever introduced myself that way, but sometimes (usually due to my depression) I’ve been told I don’t seem interested or distant. So I’ve only felt its fair to explain what I’m going through. Sometimes its a relationship killer, sometimes they’re sympathetic.

I don’t think it’s safe to assume that women are rejecting you because you are depressed or because you lack confidence. They are likely rejecting you because you don’t seem interested.

The standard cliche is “put your best foot forward”, so I don’t think you should be telling women any of your negatives.

Not interested.

I wouldn’t look at it as a lack of confidence, rather an issue I don’t want to volunteer for.


Pretty much for the reason stated above. I’m sure you might be a great person, but that is not something I want to sign up for.

This question kind of stacks the deck against the guy here.

If all I (not a woman, btw) knew about a guy was guy + depression, then I wouldn’t think too much of him either.

Give the guy a chance. How about stable middle-class income, has a pet Parakeet, and has depression. What is your opinion now?

Some women might think they will cure you of your depression, so there’s that.

I’m not sure I’d want to take up with someone with depression, but not because of a perceived lack of confidence so much, but because it’s a disease and so I’d have to put some serious thought into it.

I’m not moving past the Parakeet.

As for the confidence-depression link: I don’t assume there is one.
Same here as a few others have already noted: I wouldn’t want it brought up in conversation during a casual date. Just as I wouldn’t care to hear about your hemorrhoids so soon (well, really - for that I’d want to be a good 8 to 10 years in).

What would matter to me is how a person is choosing to deal with any problem they may have. Are they dealing with it like a grown-up?

I can’t tell if you’re asking this seriously.

Do you really think this enough information to assess someone as deserving of a chance? A person can be a serial killer and have a stable middle-class income and a parakeet.

This isn’t likely going to be an issue I will face, at least any time soon. But if I was deciding on whether to give a depressed guy a “chance”, it would depend on how depressed he is and what exactly he is doing to fix it. If he’s the kind of depressive who can’t get out of bed, then that’s too much responsibility and potential anguish. If he’s a moody and angry depressive, I know I won’t have enough patience to tolerate him for too long, not matter how sweet he is otherwise. If he’s not in therapy or taking meds, and it’s clear he just wants to wallow, then I’m going to want to kill him before too long.

If his depression is one that I can personally identify with and he’s managing it well enough that he only rarely uses it as an explanation for his behavior, that’s entirely different. I can work with that. Especially if he’s bringing some good stuff to the table. Especially if I know how he is when he’s not depressed.

Knowing he has a parakeet and a middle-class income wouldn’t tell me much about the more important stuff.

I think you may underestimate parakeet ownership.

Seriously, though - it would be for me all about how a person is able to function in their daily living: paying the bills? going to work? personal care? interpersonal relationship skills?

Said the woman who cries at the drop of a hat. :slight_smile: (Reference)

(Sorry, I’m feeling ornery today.)

As a depressed man, I tell her upfront: “You should know, before you make any decisions, that I am an utterly worthless piece of shit that only ruins everything he touches.” * “With that being said, how does The Olive Garden sound this Tuesday?” :slight_smile: “You’d have to pay, of course, for both of us, so if you want to go somewhere a little less elegant and fancy, that is totally ok with me.” :o

*By now, I hope most regulars here recognize that for what it is

double post

I was half joking. I just think it’s silly to give one negative characteristic about a person and then ask people to judge him. I’m saying we need more information before we can judge someone.

It’s not a problem with honestly. You are dumping a huge personal burden on someone you barely know. Why bring up your depression? What do you hope it will achieve in this relationship?

I’m all for helping people. But I do not look for relationships among people I want to help. That’s not how a relationship should start. It’s supposed to be two people adding value and improving each other’s lives. Not one person desperately looking for someone to save him. That’s how relationships start in movies. And it’s why you never see movies about what happens to these couples five years into their relationship.

Depends on if he leaves the seat up or down. :wink:
My advice would be that if someone is depressed enough that they don’t seem interested in a potential romantic partner, they ought to focus on getting better, and pursue romance when they are in a more stable place.

I would also wait until you were a “couple” to bring up the depression issue. Even then, it can be very, very, very hard on a new relationship. It’s really hard on established relationships, so you know.

Another issue to consider is that if you divulge too soon, you can actually attract potential partners who are not what you need. You might find people who want to save you (and take over your life), or people who will want to “save” you but who will reinforce behavior that isn’t healthy. Humans are weird.

I would worry that you might see a relationship as a cure for your depression (there are some people who believe that), or that you somehow expected me to automatically fix things. (I’ve had experience there, long story) Right now, I think you need to concentrate on yourself first, depending on how bad things are. At least until you get things on an even keel.

Like others have said, don’t bring it up right away. Hopefully, you’re getting treated, and if so, only mention it as a, “hey, just bear with me right now, I’ve got a lot going on, blah blah blah.” Let her be sympathetic, but don’t try to use her as your therapist. (Again, I had that experience) Not saying that you’ll do that, necessarily, but I’ll throw it out there anyway.