Every single effing conversation I have with this woman ends up with her talking about how ugly she is and how people are so mean to her and how all guys are jerks boo hoo. I am not exaggerating. Every. Single. One. No matter how the conversation starts, she manages to steer the conversation back to herself. She genuinely is depressed and she’s taking meds, so I tried to be accommodating, but enough is enough.
When people call her on her BS, her friends jump to defend her. “Back off! Don’t you know she’s depressed?! What’s the matter with you?” :rolleyes: News flash: there are plenty of people who are depressed who manage to get through the day without talking about themselves all the damn time. And these friends of hers actually encourage her. They shower compliments upon her whenever she starts talking about herself and she obviously loves the attention.
Her main whine is about how people are so mean to her because she’s fat and ugly. She’s neither fat nor ugly, but I think I can guess why people are mean to her.
I usually have plenty of sympathy for people with self-esteem issues. I’ve been there. I can relate. I even joined in trying to talk her out of self-hating at first. If you insist upon bringing it up every time we meet, however, you can fuck off.
Could you be gently blunt with her and say something like, “I don’t want to talk about this. Let’s talk about something pleasant.” If she asks why, you can say, “Because first off, it’s not true (her being fat and ugly) and secondly, I think focusing on it all the time is not healthy. And thirdly, talking about it all the time depresses me. So let’s talk about something else. OK?”
If she can’t go along with this, then she’s not worth spending much more time on. Depression may make you a conversational bore, but it doesn’t entitle you to an audience. And how else is she supposed to get better if people don’t point out her unhealthy behaviors?
Tell her the topic of how ugly she is has been talked into the ground. All your friends know how ugly you are now learn to live with it and move on. You only get uglier as you age. I refuse to listen about your ugliness any longer, and will end the conversations with you when the topic comes up. Next stop talking to her when she gets on the forbidden subject.
Here’s a line for later when she starts up again. Do you know what’s uglier than your body? Your personality.
The only solution is to outdo her. Become the biggest attention whore imaginable.
“You think you’re fat and ugly? Imagine what it’s like to be meeeee”
“I would love to hear about your problems but I have such problems of my own. It will make your problems feel insignificant and trivial to hear of MY problems.”
[Bitch mode]Offer her a steak with a rope to tie it around her neck.[/BM]
…Ok, i got nuthin. An attention whore (with their own body guards) are a waste of time to be dealt with.
I sympathize with people that (are bad enough to need) medication for depression. No matter what you say in a positive way will not compute.
I agree with monstro: change subject of conversation. Hey, if you do it often enough, she’ll be the one to stop talking to you.
I think **monstro’s **response is great, but for the right person **Hong Kong Fooey’**s “You think you’re fat and ugly? Imagine what it’s like to be meeeee” could be freakin’ hilarious. If you are one of those self-confident people of average appearance, this line could really break up a room.
Maybe plant some factoid in her head “Did you know talking about your appearance has been linked to premature aging, weight gain, and cancer?” I know we’re about fighting ignorance, but this is more like substituting one type of ignorance with another–consider it ignorance neutral.
I have a work friend like this, and what I eventually started doing was 1) not stopping work when talking to her, so I don’t resent the time and 2) offering really, really blunt advice, including telling her when I think she’s wrong about something. I honestly started offering advice in the hopes that she’d quit bitching to me, but that hasn’t worked. However, at least I feel better.
I used to work with a woman like this. What worked for me was to deny her the responses she wanted. She wanted to hear me say “You’re not ugly!” or “You’re not fat!”
She wasn’t really either, but I wasn’t put on the earth to make her feel better about herself.
Her: I went shopping this weekend. I hate shopping because I’m so fat.
Me: I haven’t been shopping in a while.
Her: Well me neither, because I’ve gotten so fat.
Me: Where did you go?
Her: Target.
Me: …
Her: You know what? I hate being fat.
Me: Have you thought of joining a gym?
I would ignore anything that had to do with her fat & ugly routine and answer about other things. If she finally pinned me down I’d suggest things she could do to improve. Gym, a new hairdo, a makeover, weight watchers, etc. It only took about three or four conversations before she stopped. I suppose she didn’t like that I was “agreeing” with her instead of paying her endless compliments.
You could have just kept talking about Target. Speculating on reasons why you haven’t been there for a while. Or giving reasons you know are why you haven’t been there. Things you like or dislike about Target and so on and so forth.
Your way seems to have worked just fine though of course.
I’ll give Hong Kong Fooey’s advice a shot. It will amuse the people I work with, at the very least. If I’m lucky, she’ll think I’m whiny and stop talking to me altogether.
The main problem with her is her friends. They encourage her. When people point out that constantly talking about how unattractive she is is counterproductive, she takes it as an insult and goes crying to her friends, who tell her, “It’s not you. It’s them. They’re unsympathetic jerks. You’re perfect just the way you are.”
I think I remember reading a similar Pit thread a couple of months ago. These people really need to find something to focus on other than their perceived obesity and ugliness. Doesn’t she have a pet, a child or other relative she’s devoted to, or some social issue or cause she’s passionate about (other than herself and her problems)? Maybe you can bring that up when she starts complaining. Also, there’s a chance that if you start going on about your own problems she’ll get off your back.
I’m not sure if this link works, but this conversation reminded me of an imaginary scene from Family Guy, in which Peter contemplates Brian’s life after he is neutered.
I was with you up until this point, because I thought that reframing everything she says is the best way to go.
But I think you’re onto something here. You could truly ask her if she’s interested in a solution or if she’s just trolling for sympathy. Make it clear that you’ve got no sympathy to offer, but you’d be glad to help her look for a weight loss program.
Of course, be prepared to hear “Why are you being so MEAN?”
Depression affects the judgment center of the brain. She may be looking for constant reenforcement because she really does think that she is unattractive. And some don’t know how to stop being self-absorbed. So I would assume that it’s a problem that she can’t just solve by herself.
All the same, I would continue to change the subject and not give her the positive reenforcement that she is wanting so much. She will just want more. She really does need to get involved in doing some good things for other people. Is there someplace that she can volunteer that she wouldn’t drive people up the wall?
And using your humor is a great idea. I envision a sort of Monty Pythonesque one-up-man-ship. “When I was twelve, I was so ugly I could back a dog off a meat truck…”
