How to reassure a woman who feels ugly?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a very close friend (we once dated…several times) who is in her mid-30s and is “feels like she looks 40.” She’s complaining that men don’t even look at her any more. I asked, “are you comparing that to when you were 25?” She said “yes”.

Thing is, she’s not 25. I don’t know about most men, but among my friends, we primarily check out attractive women in their early 20s because…well…they’re in their early 20s.

My friend is still beautiful, though I agree, she no longer looks 25. But though she looks her age, she is still lovely.

Just telling her that doesn’t seem to get through. She’s made up her mind that she “looks 40” and no amount of telling her otherwise seems effective in changing her mind.

Any thoughts on methods for reassuring her that she’s still beautiful? For those women here who have felt the same thing, does hearing it from someone have some effect (perhaps small and cumulative), even though you might not show it? In the end, she’ll have to change her mind, but can I do anything to help?

2

If she has reasonably good self-esteem and is just a little down about her looks, small compliments here and there about her daily appearance can go a long way, e.g. “Wow, that hairstyle looks great on you; it really lights up your eyes” or whatever.

If she has crappy self-esteem/is depressed/has poor body image/etc., there is really nothing you can say or do to make her believe that she’s an attractive person. I’ve known people like this, unfortunately, and the problem isn’t that nobody tells them they look good, it’s an underlying psychological/emotional issue.

3

In the grand scheme, I’d say she has average to above-average self-esteem. Though she does get into her ruts, as most people do. I think she probably considers my compliments as “he has to say that.” I’ll keep up with the little stuff 'til she’s back where she belongs.

4

Something else to consider, as she gets older, so does her dating pool. Older guys are usually less likely to be drooling all over themselves in an obvious fashion unless your friend is supermodel hot. She may just be looking for 20-something signals in a 30-something world.

Or you could have her call me :smiley:

…what…

5

You can also make a point to say nice things about older women around her, too (not that mid-30’s is older at all). Women get inundated with messages that only thin young women are attractive; you can say any number of things to let her know you don’t believe in that crap yourself.

6

Post her picture. Is *leeward of the Rockies *east or west?

7

Can she get any of these UK TV programs?

8

I know you don’t want to hear this because you care for your friend very much and you want her to be happy, but I would say don’t try to reassure her anymore. She is an adult and she has the right to feel crappy. I know how frustrating it is to watch someone you care very much about feel that way. But, I know that if I had an ex/friend jumping to tell me “no, you’re still beautiful”, I would be wondering why the hell he’s so dead set on me feeling pretty. I would also feel as though my opinions didn’t matter and I would probably resent it.

Little compliments about specific things that you notice here and there are good. Just not every day or she will think that you’re doing it to be nice. And don’t just compliment her looks. Compliment things like her poise or behavioral traits or little accomplishments or little things you know she’s proud of. Compliments don’t have to be direct, either. If she has a good ear for the written word, ask her if she can look over something you wrote. It’s that whole actions speak louder than words thing.

Eventually she will get to an age where if she doesn’t want to be miserable, she will have to find something besides her looks from which she can derive her self-worth.

9

She’s upset because she feels like she looks 40? Well excuse me, I guess those of us who ARE 40 (or older) should just curl up and die, and save the world from having to look at us.

I gotta wonder if this isn’t a bit of narcissism going on. Sounds a bit like fishing for compliments to me. I’d get mighty tired of being around someone who is so obsessed with her own looks and has to be told how beautiful she is all the time.

10

drachillix: She’s hot, but not supermodel hot. And I’m sorry, but I’ve lost your number.
**
DanBlather**: West. Same city as featherlou.

glee: I doubt it. Also, what?

Bacon Salt: I’m trying neither to fix her, nor is she mining me for compliments. She shared her feelings with me, and I’m looking for the best way to respond. I have found that women seem more susceptible to a negative perception of aging, and (being five years her senior) I don’t have a frame of reference. She doesn’t care to be miserable, nor is it a normal state of being. But thanks for the middle paragraph.

Scarlett67: I’ll note in future subject titles about age that you should not open it as you will have a strong reaction to somebody else’s feelings about themself that will trigger in you a need to respond with indignation. And snark. You might want to get that checked.

featherlou: Thank you kindly for your helpful suggestion.

11

I didn’t mean it as snark. If she was having serious self-esteem problems, that would be a different matter. But you say that she has average to above-average self-esteem (and looks). So why is she going on and on about how ugly she is, and so worried about how men don’t look at her, and how terrible it is to look her age or a bit older and not 25? Does not compute.

You don’t mention any other positive qualities she might have, such as pleasant personality, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. All we know about her is that she wants men to look at her. For all we know, men are looking at her – but then hear her whining about her looks and get turned off. If you can shed some light on this aspect of her personality, it might help. Maybe she’s a nicer person than she sounds.

It just doesn’t seem to me that people with healthy self-esteem have this burning need to be told how wonderful and beautiful they are all the time. I have decent self-esteem. I also know that I’m not a supermodel. I have average looks – and other positive qualities. I don’t go around moaning to my friends about how awful I am.

My take is that whatever her problem is might be better fixed from the inside, perhaps with counseling, rather than from you (or others) propping her up with compliments all the time.

12

You know, if I had spent the first 15 years of my adult life being told that I’m brilliantly funny (and that is the case, though dammit, it never seems to come through here), and nobody was telling me that any more, I’d probably start to wonder if I’m as funny as I once was. It might even shake my self-esteem a bit, as I use it to my advantage quite regularly.

I imagine that appearance and physical attractiveness have a greater impact upon women, given the pressure that seems to be applied by advertising, and society at large. I know that she has certainly relied in part upon her looks in her life, in the same way that I have relied upon my humour. We use those attributes that serve us.

She does certainly has an abundance of great qualities–well-spoken, intelligent (if not exactly “up” on current events…one thing that came between us), funny as hell, kind, compassionate, and has brilliant social skills. I am probably the only male that she has shared her feelings about feeling old and ugly, though I can only assume it’s something she has talked about with her girlfriends. It just wouldn’t be her style to share it with someone she’s in early stages of dating.

She can’t be the only woman who, in her mid-30s, is coming to grips with the fact that she’s no longer a twenty-something. She does not call me up and ask that I tell her how fabulous and beautiful she is. I concur, that whatever it is that she is dealing with must be solved on the inside. However, being a friend and someone who loves her dearly, I’m hoping to hear from people (as I have above) some strategies for supporting her in that.

I am still intrigued by your response, however. With the tiniest bit of information, you chose to pounce, rather than offer some helpful insight as to how it was for you when you realized you were aging (I assume most people go through that at some point, though I may be wrong). Why is that?

13

There is nothing you can do that will come even close to competing with the little voice in her head that tells her over and over again, every day that she is not pretty enough, that she looks like she is 40. You can’t overcome one lot of static with another lot.

If it was me I would tell her that I don’t think she looks 40 but she obviously does, so why does that matter? Did she think she would never look 40? Why does she want to look younger? Would she prefer to look 14? Is good looks the thing she most values in other people?

Not all in one go of course but if she doesn’t start to question that little voice she will never get to the point where she can hear it and just ignore it.

14

I don’t see it so much as “pouncing” and offering a dissenting opinion (notes forum). Quite honestly, that was my first impression, that this person has more insecurities than evidenced by your plain statement that she has excellent self-esteem, and that none of your compliments seem to “take.” It’s almost like some sort of body image disorder.

I have not had the “typical” female response to aging. I never had men dripping off me, and I realize that my personality is my stronger suit. So in the looks department, I work with what I have. I actually feel that aging is adding interesting dimensions to my looks. I’m letting my gray hair come in, and even grew it out in hopes of getting my mother’s and aunts’ lovely silver locks someday.

Granted, I have issues with weight, but I’m working on them. I don’t ask people if I look fat, because I KNOW I’m fat, and I know that for the most part it’s something that’s within my control. But I dress to minimize the effect, and I don’t need compliments (although I do occasionally receive them) to feel that I look good.

I certainly DON’T think it’s realistic to expect that I’m going to look 25 for the rest of my life, advertising or not. Or to base my attractiveness to men on my looks only. Or, hell, to want to attract the kind of man for whom my looks are the only thing that’s important.

15

Could this possibly stem from a recent break-up? Is she married and her sex life is starting to taper off? Was she recently passed over for a promotion at work by a 24 year old woman who has more boobs than brains? Did she just have her 35/36/37th birthday? Find out what triggered this if you want to help her fix it. Find out why now, after all these years, she is worried about how she looks and that will give you a clue as to how to help her get past this.

16

What that chick needs is a hawt 20-something guy to fuck her brains out. Guys her age may be looking at the sweet young thangs, but biologically your 40 YO is much the better lay. Sometimes I think the guys our age are scared shitless of us, since they’re all looking into Viagra and we can take on a football team and get up fresh as a daisy and smiling afterwards, metaphorically speaking. So yeah, she needs a meaningless hookup with some openminded, horny young man who’ll pork her brains out while learning a whole slew of neat new tricks to impress the little girlies with–then SHE needs to be the one to tell him to bugger off. She’ll know forever that she was hot enough to make a young guy’s eyes roll up in his head while he thrashed like a beached tiger shark AND was the one to decide when it was over. Works wonders–please don’t ask how I know this, 'k?

Bottom line is you can say meaningless pleasantries and tepid comments to a woman all you like, but if you want her to KNOW she’s a hottie you pretty much have to fuck her blue. If not you, then someone else.

17

That’s the great thing about not having been extremely hot in my 20’s; as I get older, other woman are catching up with me, and I’ve had a lot longer to get used to the idea of having a personality and some interests to go along with my looks. Maybe I’m schadenfreuding a little. :slight_smile:

18

Fair enough on the dissenting opinion. We are each most assuredly entitled to our own. I note that it is you who claims she has “excellent self-esteem”; I granted her merely average to above-average. Scarlett67, I thank you for your clinical diagnosis. Do you do cold readings as well?

pbbth, it’s a fairly recent development, and probably related to her recent swimsuit shopping for an upcoming trip to the tropics. But I could be completely making that up, as she’s not yet told me the trigger.

Thanks for the tip, SmartAleq! I’m neither 20-something, nor hawt, and we’re done with our screwing for good, but I will keep an eye out for a young buck who can take my place!

19

I guess I still don’t understand your snotty attitude toward Scarlett67. You’re relating information and asking for opinions about someone who we don’t know at all. Scarlett was giving an opinion. Just because you didn’t like it, doesn’t mean you have to be such a snot about it. Dialing back the sarcasm and comments that you seem to think are witty might help.

Since you’ve mentioned that she’s intelligent, I’m assuming that she realizes she is not nor will ever be 25 again so comparing herself now to her 25 year old self is an exercise in frustration. Continuing to do so would lead me to believe that she’s digging for compliments, a glutton for punishment, or willfully obtuse.

I think it would serve her better to help her identify the parts of herself that she is unhappy with and make suggestions on how she might make changes to feel better about those things. Of course she shouldn’t OBSESS about things and go plastic surgery crazy, but if there are areas she’s specifically concerned with, I don’t see the harm in encouraging her to take steps to feel better about those things. Maybe free weights to tone up, a trip to the dermatologist for skincare, a consultation with a hairstylist for an up-to-date haircut.

Little things can go a long way. Trying to compete with women an entire demographic younger than you? Insanity.

20

Beautiful <> attractive!

Being beautiful - her physical looks - will get a man to give her a second look. Being attractive - personality etc - will get him up the aisle.

IOW A beautiful woman can become unattractive when she opens her mouth; an attractive woman becomes beautiful when she smiles.

How you broach this to her is a different matter.