People who share depressing thoughts after you've told them to stop

In My Humble Opinion
1

There’s someone I have to see often who’ll share depressing thoughts with me with no purpose even after I’ve told her to stop.

For example, she’ll tell me that some people I’ve never met and have no relation to have died. Recently, she told me some people had dropped off two kittens in the street and only one had been taken in which pretty much means the other kitten will freeze to death.

If that information were of some use to me in terms of improving the sad situation or changing my plans, I would not have anything against it. As it is, she just randomly tells me of sad events.

I’ve told that person several times to stop. After a few times I made no attempt to couch it in a soft tone and polite words although I did not resort to yelling, cursing and insults. I’ve bluntly told her that I’m not her therapist. Everytime she replies that she will stop in a way that makes me think she’s not taking it seriously and will do it again. Maybe she even genuinely agrees when she’s replying to me but forgets when the opportunity renews itself and does it again.

I understand that she feels a desire to share those thoughts but her sharing those thoughts with me do little more than make me depressed. Instead of one person feeling sad over it there’s two and it changes absolutely nothing to the sad situation. She feels sad and then craps on my day.

Can someone help me understand why someone keeps relating sad events even after the other person has explicitly said to stop? Am I some way off in requesting that? Do I have to start yelling for her to take note and not do it again?

2

Sounds like a real-life Debbie Downer.

3

Every time she starts talking about something depressing, start making farting sounds. You can use your hands pressed up against your checks and lips while blowing into them for particularly raunchy effectiveness. That should get the point across to her.

My point… don’t be nice about it.

4

Yeah, that’s kind of strange. Maybe make a joke out of what she says? Frozen kittens? I prefer fresh cat flesh when I BBQ. Mr. Fratastat passed away? Hmmm… On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the widow and what’s her net worth?

Maybe if you do this enough you’ll piss her off and she’ll stop.

5

I find that people who share a lot of depressing thoughts tend to be…wait for it…depressed. Most likely, she doesn’t realize she’s doing it because the things she’s saying are the kind of thoughts she has all the time. If I were you, I’d still ask her to stop (cause, really, you don’t need to be subjected to that all the time) but try to be nice and understanding about it.

6

You know how some people, when they sit down at a coffee shop and read the paper, check out the sports section or the politics section or the arts section? She checks out the obituaries. She used to be a nurse at the kind of hospital where people go to live the rest of their life and die.

She used to be a kindergarden teacher and one of the kids there died of some disease. When she had a son a few years later, the son got the dead kid’s name as his middle name.

7

You know, I get stuck in that mode every now and then, and it’s usually when I’m in the nadir of a bout of depression and cannot get my thoughts away from the crap humanity does to itself and everything around it. I try really, really hard not vocalize this stuff because I’m aware it’s not anchored to reality, it’s my own personal brain chemistry hell, and it will pass. If it does slip out, it’s probably because I’m desperately hoping someone will contradict me.

If she’s like me, she’s talking about this stuff because it matches the poison in her brain, she feels powerless, and she’s desperate to feel like there’s something, anything, that can be done to make it better.

Don’t try to push her away verbally. It clearly doesn’t work. Try to redirect her thought processes. For instance:

DD: Michael, did you hear? Somebody abandoned two precious baby kittens in the snow last night. Another person rescued one, but they left the other out there to . . . sniffle freeze to death.

Michael: Wow, that’s awful. You know, I bet if you were there, you’d have taken both those kittens in and found them good homes. Knowing you, you would have searched all night to find that other kitten because you just couldn’t stand the thought of it suffering like that.

OR

DD: Michael, the most wonderful seven-year-old boy just died a horrifying, painful death when his internal organs seeped out of his skin, hardened, and suffocated him. The doctors couldn’t do anything, and his mother cried herself to death, and his father has started mainlining brake fluid because he can’t cope with the grief.

Michael: Gosh, that’s awful. I’ll bet if it had been your little boy, you’d have scoured the medical literature until you found whatever rare disease it was and helped the doctor cure him. And if you couldn’t do that, you’d probably start up a Seeping Organ Disease Foundation to help educate people and find the cure. And you’d have gotten the father into grief counseling, because you know sometimes men have a harder time asking for help when they’re hurting.

OR

DD: Michael, have you heard? It’s in the stars - next July, we collide with Mars!

Michael: No kidding. Man, that sucks. Well, if I know if it were up to you, you’d come up with some way to realign Mars’ orbit into something that wouldn’t kill us all. And even if you couldn’t, you’d probably throw the best End of the World party anyone’s ever seen.

So, really, I guess what I’m saying is acknowledge the crappy thing and prop her up with a believable line or two about how it would be less crappy if only the universe had let her deal with it. It validates her angst and forces her to break with the consuming thoughts of “everything sucks”. After all, who’s going to argue that they’d have left that other kitten out to freeze to death. Alone. Scared. Crying for it’s mommy, who was probably looking for it, and . . . and . . . and . . .

8

It’s so nifty to meet another face-farter! I find it much more effective (louder!) than the palm-in-armpit method.

Nah… Making things worse is only of very short-term gratification.

I have to say, alas, that, while I admire MichaelEmouse’s positive behavior-modification strategy, I don’t think it works. You can’t blow sunlight at Joe Btfsplk. Depression has a lot more staying power than optimism. You can talk about the sunshine balloon of happiness for hours…and they’ll trump it every time.

“Life can be good…”
“I’ve got bone spurs in my foot.”
“Medical science is making such great advancements…”
“My mother just died.”

Where can you go with someone like that?

In the end, it’s kinder for all concerned if you simply stop listening. Let them get in their one hit for the day, and cut it off there.

“Two guys died in last night’s storm.”
“Yeah. Pity. Look, I’ve got a deadline, so, you go on to the cafeteria and get yourself a cup of coffee. No, no. Not another word. I’m on the clock here. Out.”

9

She probably suffers from some sort of depression. She reminds me of a coworker I had when I did clerical work who was molested and would always tell me in details what happened. The first time I sat there like :eek: . WTF could I say?! Then, she kept talking about it. I had to say to “X, I don’t think you’re doing on purpose, but you’re making everyone feel weird by telling those stories about what happened to you”. She kept doing it. :frowning: I later found out from a coworker I kept in touch with that she was bipolar and suffer from depression.

10

She is never going to change, and if you want to be rid of this, you need to be rid of her.

Is she depressed? Who knows, but as you’ve keenly observed, you are not her therapist.

The only real question of any interest here is: What are you getting out of this that you haven’t given her the heave-ho yet? I doesn’t sound like you enjoy her company much.

11

A little bit of depressing news interjected into a conversation seems to make it a little ore human and real, too much gets boring real quick.

12

You know who died yesterday?

Who?

A lot of people.

From an old Bill Cosby routine, about his granpa I think.

13

She’ll be dead soon, so you won’t have to deal with her anymore. See? There’s a bright side to everything.

14

True, my mother’s cancer might come back for good.

15

My mothers like that - she knows that stories of animal cruelty upset my sister, so she gleefully tells them to her.

I was attacked by a local boxer (who’s now kind of infamous) as a teenager, so whenever he’s in the papers, she makes a point of telling me about it, as if he was some kind of childhood friend that I care about, and she looks genuinely confused when I snap at her that I don’t care, and hope he rots in jail.

Another example - I was visting her with my toddler the other day, and she told me my kid got upset when a toy train went off noisily. I asked which one (as there are a few at her house) so she went to fetch it, and pointedly set it off in front of my kid who cried. Then wondered why my dad and I were angry at her. And set it off a second time.

I have no theories about why she does it (apart from the early signs of senility :stuck_out_tongue: ) but thanks for letting me vent :slight_smile:

16

How about non-verbally reacting? Apparently, even a sad and angry/annoyed conversation is still reward enough for DD to keep initiating such stories.

I’ll steal **phouka’**s line, because, even while depressed and telling abandoned kitten stories, phouka still remains funny, unlike the Debbie Downer that plagues Michael Emouse.

DD: Michael, did you hear? Somebody abandoned two precious baby kittens in the snow last night. Another person rescued one, but they left the other out there to . . . sniffle freeze to death.
Michael: I don’t want to hear about it, see ya.
:: pointedly puts in his Ipods earphones and stops looking at DD::
or
:: leaves the room::
or
:: swivels chair back to face computer screen and starts dialling a number on his telephone::

17

Please don’t fart in your mother’s face, or just turn and leave the room. That’s okay for an annoying coworker but not your Mom, in my mind. Your Mom may be in the very earliest stages of dementia - it can manifest in diverse ways!

When she starts, let her finish, then point out that the things she chooses to focus on, will grow to dominate her world. By choosing the depressing things to focus on and repeat, she only feeds her depression and makes it stronger.

When she starts a second time, tell her honestly that you’re feeling like you should shorten the frequency/duration of your visits as you find yourself deeply affected by the steady stream of sadness, and you think it’s really not good for you.

Be consistent, she’s not going to get it in one, be prepared to calmly go around a few times!

You can attempt, politely, to control the conversation, as you have been doing. When you ask her to stop, and then she doesn’t, point out to her that her inability to, ‘stop when asked’, makes you fear she may be showing the early signs of dementia (true!), and that you are beginning to think she should see her doctor about it!

Be honest, open and consistent. Isn’t that what you would want from your son or daughter? It wouldn’t hurt to come with your thoughts prepared, perhaps a couple of ‘feel good’ stories to share.! Good Luck!

18

Wow, you know my mom? Must be two of them, as I’d swear we buried Mom a few years back.

19

Well, what about “over reacting” in a positive way. So, for example, on the deaths of people you don’t know. Whip out a sympathy card and start writing it, get her to sign it. When she asks what you are doing, say “well, you must have had a reason for telling me that depressing bit of news. I assumed you wanted me to send a card to people I don’t know. Was there some other reason?” Or on the kittens, get your car keys and suggest the two of you go look for the lost frozen kitten. “Was there something else you wanted me to do? I know you don’t want me to just sit here and feel helpless and depressed–because you aren’t that cruel…” If she’s telling you about some awful disease or natural disaster, ask her how much she’s sent to the Red Cross to help? Or does she want to skip going out to dinner and you two can send that money…

Not sure if these things would help. But sometimes a little over reaction can make a point.

20

As others have said, your co-worker is depressed, and deserves sympathy, not ridicule (e.g., face-farting).

See if you can do something to help her get the help she needs.

In the sort-term, the sympathy-then-redirection advice that phouka has given seems to be the best.

It validates her feelings, which is sometimes all you can hope for.