This afternoon my friend must have brought this up at least twenty times. Sometimes it was in the context of how she had been eating or exercising lately, sometimes it was describing looking fat in various clothing, sometimes it was the precise location of the fat itself, and sometimes it was just a standalone complaint. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I must not be giving her the answer or response she needs and I don’t know what to say.
It isn’t just her either. I seem to be around people ceaselessly talking about how overweight they are and how it upsets them pretty often. I understand why they are upset, but I’m sure that is not the right thing to say at all. I don’t like to lie, so denying they are fat probably wouldn’t sound believable, plus that would seem like I think being overweight is so terrible I have to resort to lying about it, which isn’t what I think at all. It isn’t as if they are asking me whether I agree that they are fat, so offering a denial of it never works anyway.
How can I steer the conversation away from this tiresome topic?
They might be looking for validation; if so, you can steer the conversation to a new topic by complimenting her about something other than her weight. It doesn’t have to be something physical, although “that color looks really good on you” is an all-purpose compliment (just check first to make sure she isn’t wearing all black or all white). Or tell her that she’s fun to be around, or working really hard, or made a really thoughtful comment, or knows more about [pop culture reference] than anyone else, or is an expert with her iPhone, or has great taste, or whatever else is appropriate. I agree that getting into a discussion of weight is never helpful, but if you can make her feel good about herself in some other way, you can get the conversation moving in a better direction.
The problem with the approach that Trinopus suggests is that it’s only going to make her feel worse. If the source of the problem is that she’s feeling bad about herself, then drawing attention to it might stop it temporarily, but she’ll just go back to bringing it up later on.
Seriously, you have to do that now and then, when your friends are monomaniacs.
Now, you might be better off not being friends with a monomaniac, but if you want to remain friends, you need to stand up for your rights. If he says the same thing five times in ten minutes…call him on it. Ask to change the subject. You have a right not to have to suffer, and being a little assertive is sometimes the best way forward.
Look, I’m no expert on human psychology but I do have years of therapy as first hand experience. It seems to me one tactic is not to mention it at all at the time or on that day or even the next day. But you could select a day sometime in the future to address it with them when it’s not actually being discussed (by them) but you see an opportunity to mention it.
Or
You could say nothing now (or if they mention it tomorrow) but if they mention it next week or several days from now, then you can say, well, didn’t you say that the other day as well… then say something helpful/concerned after that.
I do agree that they are trying to illicit some type of comment support from you/other people.
[Bolding added]
It might be that you are taking on your friend’s weight issues a tiny bit. I agree that it’s difficult to talk about this in a tactful way but surely you deserve to have your friendships not be a burden for you. Could you perhaps say in a respectful manner something like “I’ve noticed that you bring up your weight sometimes. You’re my friend and I care about you. Is there anything going on that you’d like to talk about?”
As you suspect, there may well be something just below the surface struggling to get expressed. For a friendship to be something more than “I’ll buy your racket if you’ll buy mine”, you sometimes have to address uncomfortable, sensitive stuff. Be willing to push through that with your friend. I’d be willing to bet that your friend keeps doing this for a reason.
As for the other people you mention, you can be understanding and empathetic without phrasing it like “Yeah, I can imagine being that overweight would be upsetting.”
Be sure to value your time and your attention and not have either be overly taken up by people with agendas of their own.
Sorry if I sound like an asshole. I am striving myself for some degree of nuance and empathy beyond “Grow a pair.”
ETA: “The precise location of the fat itself?” :eek:
Friend: I can’t stop stop eating lasagna and I’ve gained 10 pounds.
You: Have you tried to lasagna at the new Italian place? It is to die for. What do you think they do to it? Extra oregano, maybe?
Friend: I’ve gained so much weight that I can’t button this shirt any more.
You: Great excuse to shop. The fall clothes are in. I saw some new clothes at the mall that are just to die for. And they are all on sale! I think the earth tones go good with my complexion. How about you?
Friend: I go to the gym, but I still look like a pig.
You: There are so many cute guys at the gym. But I am always sweating and I’m sure I look disgusting to them. But what the hell. I’m there to sweat so I just start pedaling harder. Have you been to a session with the new aerobics instructor? What did you think?
Don’t suddenly change the topic. Acknowledge that you heard her, but just lead the conversation off on a different tangent that makes you feel less uncomfortable.
Complimenting her as a response would seem like a complete non sequitur, but even if I somehow came up with a segue, wouldn’t it serve to reinforce the behavior, creating a repeated loop of complaints and compliments? I want her to feel good about herself, but I don’t think I can pull this off. Of course I think she is awesome, but I don’t have dozens of different compliments at the ready!
Maybe this works for you because it weeded away people that would be alienated early on, but if I started behaving this way, I’m certain I’d have no friends left and I wouldn’t blame them.
Also you say “he” in your example, which should probably not matter, but women are seldom so blunt with each other without it meaning something way beyond one got “a little assertive.”
The way I see it, it depends on how fat the friend is.
Basically: Is the friend too fat for you to be comfortable with giving them a hug? 'Cause that’s what I do. Whenever they complain, I give them a hug. If they don’t want me hugging them, they’ll soon enough connect the dots and stop the behavior that leads to the hugs. If they do like being hugged, the net result is more hugs for everybody.
If they are too fat or otherwise unattractive for me to want to hug them, I replace them with a less fat or otherwise more attractive friend. This last step may not be an option for you, in which case I’ve got nuttin’.
I pretty much agree with Trinopus. If you can’t tell your friends to shut up now and again, then they’re not really your friends.
I mean nothing wrong with a bit of a moan about not fitting into this or that, but then move on. Your friend is making things uncomfortable harping on about her problem - she’s the one being rude.
jimbuff314 suggests ‘growing a pair’, but has he considered the weight of those things - counterproductive methinks.
I have a relative who goes on and on about all of his health problems, which are almost all due to his obesity. I have told him, in a kind and loving tone, that he knows he needs to change his diet and that a lot of his issues would get better.
He agrees and then the subject gets changed. He’ll still do it again next time we talk so mostly I’ll just let him whine for awhile. That’s really all he wants to do. Or I’ll just agree that dieting is hard and then he’ll change the subject.
Or I’ll use caller idea and not answer the phone in the first place, depending on my mood.
If you’ve known this friend for a while Anamen, it might be easy to say something of a cross between jimbuff314’s (diet-lite, sugar-free) balls, and Robert163’s swatting method, along the lines of:
“In all the time we’ve been friends, I’ve never known you to be so focussed on your weight. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re mentioning it a lot lately - are you just off loading, or is there some way I can help?”
What Robert163 suggests is sort of okay in theory, but the friend is actually not talking about the lasagne, or the clothes or the gym - they’re talking about their worrisome and expanding fat arse - which is not uncommonly the symptom of something else (stress, depression, physical whatever). Friends expect each other to pick up on those kind of subtleties. It’s a gauge - the test for whether we’re overreacting, underreacting or shamefully inert.
I think difficult conversations can be more easily begun with, “I’m telling you this because I’m your friend…” - like a soft version of Trinopus’ direct approach; and one I have certainly been known to favour. I like being able to tell my friends to shut up.
Martian Bigfoot - genius…! I want to be* your* friend. A friendship full of hugs and ‘shut up(s)’. That’s a good friendship in a nutshell, I reckon.
