Sometimes people constantly bring up negative things about themselves so that they beat others to the punch. If you’re self-deprecating, than no one else can go there because why would they bother?
Ignore the comment. Change the subject. Do not offer advice.
If they ask for advice, simply tell them, “I can’t help you,” and then change the subject. (You cannot “teach” someone how to lose weight in the conventional sense.)
I wouldn’t hug or not hug someone based on their size, nor do I consider fat people to be unattractive. I don’t care if people are fat. When I look at someone I like, they look good to me–it has nothing to do with their weight or their hair or their clothes or whatever. Maybe I miss the “big picture” so to speak, because I notice various details, but would never notice that someone had gained or lost weight unless it put them in a completely different category and I only perceive maybe four broad categories–unusually thin, fit-ish, overweight, and obese, I guess.
It seems like the “norm” is to be fat, but I’m not and my presence seems to make some fat people self-conscious. I don’t judge people at all for being overweight and I never assume being fat is voluntary or any of my business, but they feel judged by the world and so they feel bad about themselves. It’s not just this person: even people I’ve just met quickly launch into this topic. I don’t want them to just keep their thoughts to themselves or whatever, but I’m being put repeatedly into an awkward situation that seems to have no good way to answer. If I care about someone, like my friend, I want them to feel good to be around me, not bad about themselves and seeming to demand that I fix it when I don’t know how.
I’ve got more of a guy-style suggestion for you but something close to it may have value for your gal-style interaction:
“Jane, you sure talk a lot about being fat. It must be bothering you. I can give you some weight control tips that work for me. But the biggest tip I can give is to quit talking and start doing something, anything, to change what’s bugging you. By talking about it over and over you’re just making yourself miserable and miserable to be around.”
Keep repeating this message each time she brings it up. Eventually she’ll change her behaviors, get pissed & stop bugging you, or you’ll become so tired of the exchange you give up on her. No matter which way it plays out your problem is over.
People talk about how women don’t want problems solved, they just want validation. When I see somebody who wants validation for their invalid behavior I refuse to play. If she’ll change the invalid behavior I’ll be full of support. If she just wants a pity-rag, she should get a stuffed animal; humans in general and friends in particular shouldn’t be misused like that.
One of the lines of complaint though IS all of the stuff she is doing that isn’t working. What she has been eating and not eating, exercise she has been doing, etc. Unfortunately, her results have been non-existent and she is understandably discouraged.
I’d rather just provide the validation than lose a friend. How should it go to make her feel validated?
The OP asked, “How can I steer the conversation away from this tiresome topic.” And that’s easy: “Hey, can we change the subject? Thanks.”
But many here are answering a different, unasked question: “How can I help my friend with her psychological self-image difficulties stemming from being overweight and obsessively insecure about it?” That’s very different, and not easy at all.
This doesn’t sound exactly like the problem with the OP’s friend. Pre-emptive self-criticism isn’t a really good idea anyway, but who would do it over and over, again and again? Once, maybe. “Yes, I know I’m overweight, but you don’t have to worry about offending me by anything you might say.” That’s a relatively polite way of avoiding conversational difficulties. But, “I’m fat. God, I’m fat. I’m so fat. I gained two pounds today. I’m really hot today, but that’s because I’m fat…”
That isn’t healthy.
That’s a very good answer to the first question: “How do I steer the conversation away.” It doesn’t address the second question…but that question only arose secondarily in this thread.
I think this is a very sensible way of changing the subject.
And that’s a pretty good way to start the difficult work of addressing the second question, “How do I help my friend?” Directly asking them, “How can I help you?” is blunt, and it might not work. It might just trigger a whole new round of self-abusive passive-aggressive non-answers. “Oh, nobody can help me. I’m so fat.” But it might, with effort and care and some leverage, lead to some actually helpful paths of dialogue.
Are you a man or a woman OP? Do women talk constantly with men about how fat they look, I thought they mostly only did that with each other.
As someone who used to get caught up in the trap of constantly rehashing the same issues (and ignoring advice people gave me) I don’t know what the answer is. I think the person just wants their pain validated. But I have no idea if even that will help much.
Having to hear about fat all the time is just more way being a women means being treated inappropriately by others, even other women.
Women are told that only have value if they look good enough, so obsession with appearance is a natural consequence, but I don’t want to participate in that type of discussion even when it has nothing to do with weight.
How would you respond to someone of normal or athletic build who went on and on about their diet and exercise routine ad boredom?
“Wow, that burger looks good, but it has soooo much fat and there’s chemicals in the bun. And gluten!” (said while nibbling salad)
“I’m soooooo tired, my hot yoga class was exhausting, and this woman couldn’t do a decent blah blah blah…”
“I need to get in more steps today. I only did 5,000, I’ll get out of shape!”
Just as tedious. Same response? Or different?
(ETA, I find “fat talk” as tedious as “healthy habits talk”. I can’t think of anything I’d like less to discuss than my exercise or diet routine, except perhaps for someone else’s.)
I get the sense that you are unwilling to address the situation directly, for fear of negative social consequences. It sounds like you fear that a frank word would irretrievably alter the relationship between you. That’s really, really unlikely.
If the person is at all reasonable, the consequences would be an awkward moment at worst, which you can ease with a smile and a touch (or a hug, if you’re the type).
I wonder if part of the problem is that she is comparing herself unfavorably to you, which is probably subconscious but kind of jerkish, because it puts you in an impossible position. You can always just say “you know, discussions about appearance always take me right back to junior high school, which was a bad time for me. Can we change the subject?”
As others have said, that’s a different question from the OP. But OK; you’re allowed to ask more than one Q.
The problem solver in me wants to question that she’s really doing all the right stuff and still getting nil results. As opposed to doing 1/3rd of the rightish stuff, 2/3rds of the same old dead wrong stuff, and fooling herself about the difference between her perception and her reality.
But if you just want to validate, that’s fairly easy. It doesn’t involve changing the subject or getting away from weight as a topic. As long as she’s not making progress on her weight and on her attitude to her weight, this topic will be top-of-mind for her. And hence top-of-conversation for you two.
Validation ultimately consists of telling her that she’s a good person and that her failings are either illusory or beyond her control. The illusory part is tough; folks also want validation that their perceptions are reality. Telling her it’s all in her head is hardly validation she’ll value, true thought it might be.
So you need to express a blend of “You’re not so fat; look at Suzy over there”, “Losing significant weight is almost impossible; everybody knows that and here are a dozen books & articles to prove it”, and “I’m so proud of all the things you’re doing. Even if you’re not losing, you’re not gaining either. Each of us is getting older & trying to get bigger every single day. You stopping that clock is real progress you can be proud of.”
Obviously you need to use more diplomacy and rah rah than my quickie sound-bites. But those are the essential points to be made.
About the same, really. Just as any obsessive monomaniacal repetition is dreary.
My b.i.l. hates football. It isn’t enough that he hates football; he has to say so every time he gets a chance. We’re watching a TV show, and an ad comes on for the big game next Sunday. “I hate football,” he says, and everyone in the room is mouthing it, silently, in synch with him.
So…we’ve taken to saying, gently, “We know, guy. You really don’t have to say so every time.” And, because he’s not too obsessive, he grins and fesses up. “I guess I have said that once or twice before, haven’t I?”
One big question, then, is: does your friend have the necessary self-awareness to cope with an exploration of their dreary repetition? Can you point it out to her, in a way that will open a pathway to progress and healing? Or has she sunk into a robotic pattern of repetition that resists exploration at all?
Some people, especially severely depressed people, become so robotic in their responses, it’s as if there isn’t anyone there at all. You might as well be interacting with an Eliza program.
If it’s that bad – and I have seen it that bad – you can either put up with it endlessly, or run like hell.
Well, she is of normal build, but being overweight is normal. She’s not overweight to an unusual extreme or anything.
When someone goes on and on about their “healthy habits,” it’s usually boring, but it isn’t comparable to listening to someone complain about a situation that causes them pain. Hearing that someone is suffering and there is nothing you can do or say is difficult.
My mother does this with Thanksgiving turkey. Every year, she goes on (and on and on) about how much she hates turkey. One year I told her to just not to eat any of the f-ing turkey.
I can’t imagine anyone being too fat for me to want to hug them.
To the OP. I think I would - in fact, do - say: “You look great!”. I.e. You don’t have to tell them they’re not overweight when they are, but say that they look good regardless of weight - a sentiment you expressed earlier in the thread.
