It was a joke. Although it wasn’t funny. It sounded less horrible in my head, I swear.
(I’ve been running around apologizing for my posts a lot, recently, BTW. I think I’ll go off for a while and sort myself out a bit. Something isn’t tuned right at the moment.)
For the little my thoughts are worth (as a male who is pretty clueless about how women talk about fat with each other) - Is your friend worried about how she looks or about her health? Has she always talked about being fat this much or is it a change? (Sounds like the latter.)
I guess if a friend of mine was obviously worried about something I’d ask more about it and engage in a real conversation about what their real concerns were and why. Why worried about it so much more now than before? Is something else going on that is driving the newfound concern and anxiety? A personal health scare? A family member with an obesity related illness? A relationship problem that she imagines is related to no longer being seen as attractive?
But from your op it seems like you have lots of friends (?suddenly?) bemoaning to you about how fat they are. Is that correct or have they always done it and you are just noticing now? If it is indeed new then I’d be wondering why so many of your friends are suddenly doing this. Did you recently lose a fair amount of weight or become more fit? Something else?
If nothing about you then I wonder if responding with telling friends who talk about it lots that “You look just fine. … Y’know, lately a whole bunch of friends, who like you I think look just fine and are getting healthier with their diets and exercise, are seeming to be much more fixated on their figures than they used to be. It seems weird to me and I wonder what is going on. Are you experiencing the same thing? What do you think is going on?”
If none of the above apply, or you’ve done that and it didn’t go anywhere, then yeah, a “You look fine.” quickly followed by a friend group equivalent to “And how about doze Bears?” Seriously, an obvious and pat standard joke line change of subject.
I think in an ideal world, I wouldn’t have been whooshed. But there have been too many “fat women are ugly” posts here and, well, all over the internet. I don’t think you are that kind of poster, though, which I should have thought of.
Your friend is looking for something. But not knowing her, it’s hard to say what she is looking for.
Maybe she is just making conversation, and her struggle with weight is what is on her mind. Maybe she is depressed about her looks and wants some kind of validation. Maybe something else. Can you guess by context?
If she’s just talking about weight because that’s what’s going on in her life, I think you can try to change the subject. Maybe there’s something else in her life? Maybe you two could go to a movie and then talk about it? Maybe you have some issues of your own that she might be interested in?
If she’s looking for validation, and she’s a friend you like and want to keep in your life, try to offer her that. “No, you aren’t fat” and “I think you look fine” are probably not great choices. "I really value your friendship because you are there’s when I need you/make me laugh/are fun to hang out with/are so smart and accomplished, I find you inspiring/… May be the right thing to say. That is, think of some true and flattering things you can say to her. And maybe don’t say them as an immediate response to the fat comments, but in different parts of the conversation.
I assume she is most worried about how she looks, but I’m not sure I guess. I have known her 10+ years and she has complained about being fat and tried to do something about it to varying degrees all along. I have seen pictures of her from before I knew her and she was very slender in high school and college. She has looked the same since I’ve known her as far as I know, which really only means that no drastic changes have occurred. People’s weight gains and losses have to be pretty severe before they register on my radar.
The other day her complaints were reaching a fever pitch for a couple of reasons: she was trying to assemble an outfit for a friend’s wedding and was unhappy that she would “look fat,” she is becoming increasingly frustrated at changes in diet and exercise showing no results, and she was diagnosed with a thyroid problem earlier this year and has been taking a supplement, so is probably disappointed that it isn’t helping. Coincidentally, I have a similar thyroid problem, but am not overweight, so maybe that makes it even worse.
I guess, but to be honest, as little as I care whether others are fat (other than the impact it has on their health/happiness), the idea of being fat myself fills me with horror, so no level of concern sounds like it needs particular reasons or explanations. I know how awful it sounds to say I couldn’t bear to be fat, and it probably is nothing like I imagine, but I can’t help thinking it would feel as horrible as wearing tight clothing or being pregnant and I wouldn’t be able to breathe deeply and would feel nauseous because all my organs would be squished. I understand that fat people probably do not typically feel this way, but most people seem to enjoy being pregnant and able to tolerate wearing squeezy clothing, so it’s not absurd to think I’d feel squished and suffocated even if most people don’t. Of course I never express this suspicion to others, so I don’t think it could be provoking the complaints.
Point being, what with the physical discomfort factor, the negative public opinion factor, the health factor, etc. it seems obvious why she’d not want to be fat. She isn’t in a relationship, but seems okay with that. Maybe she thinks she’d be more attractive to the opposite sex if she was thinner, but she is already beautiful as-is.
I’ve weighed the same my whole adult life, give or take 5 lbs, so that’s not it. I never go on diets or undergo any sort of weight-control strategies, but I try to live a healthy lifestyle in general. I talk about food sometimes because I love to cook and eat, but I don’t evaluate my food choices out loud and I never food-police others. I try to eat only healthy food in front of someone I know to be dieting, but if someone suggests bacon cheeseburgers and ice cream, I am happy to partake. I can’t think of anything I could do differently to distract them from their obsession with the difference in our sizes.
It isn’t that suddenly everyone I know talks about how fat they are ceaselessly, so much as it is people I see only occasionally because they are friends of friends or new acquaintances and nothing sudden about it. Probably they do talk about other things when I’m not around reminding them of how fat they are by existing, so we don’t become friends. They make hateful comments about “skinny” women and say insulting things to me that they pretend are jokes. My friend doesn’t do any of those things, but many of her friends do.
I think the conversation is supposed to go like this:
Woman 1: Ugh, look at my belly rolls, I’m so fat
Woman 2: Your belly rolls? Look at my thighs! I shouldn’t even be wearing this
Woman 1: You look great, you’re not fat like I am, blah blah blah
If I point out some aesthetically displeasing area of my own body in response, I am glared at, at best. Only being “fat” counts to end the complaint loop.
Pointing out someone else getting fit is the last thing they want to hear about, and being fixated on one’s supposed flaws is being a “normal woman.” Keeping people unhappy makes them active consumers and easier to control by corporations. Billions of dollars are spent to create this situation, so what hope is there for me to fight it?
I do say they look great, if it is true, I say they shouldn’t worry so much, I suggest fun active things I want to do with them, I change the subject… But it always comes back to fat and me with nothing useful to say.
I think it’s all of these things, but I don’t know what to say about it. She’s overweight and wants not to be. That seems like it should be achievable–it’s not like she has her heart set on becoming a mermaid or something–but what do you say to someone who is trying to achieve something and frustrated because it isn’t working in spite of their efforts? She isn’t being lazy about it, it just isn’t working.
I’m not allowed to have any issues. Only people who are overweight, poor, or have dead/dying children are permitted to have issues. Even the dead children one probably only gets you a few months to complain before you are thought to be a self-indulgent whiner.
Yeah, I should work on being more complimentary in general. I think positive things about people, but fear sounding awkward or patronizing. I will study the hyoomans more closely and copy their delivery.
Thank you for your quality suggestion, excellent human. 
Grin! I like the way you approach such issues!
Would you believe the advice in this thread came in really handy today? Different complaint, but same issue.
My mom just got back from a trip to Turkey. The terrain was more than she bargained for - she called it “a country designed for goats.” She had kind of a hard time of it, and said so many times in her emails and messages from there, on the phone when she got back, and when I saw her today. of course, her concerns are very important to me, but how many times could I cluck sympathetically?
So I finally said “you’ve said this an awful lot of times now, and I’m really not sure how you want me to respond.” She said I…don’t know." I said “is there anything I can do to help?” She said “eh, not really” and happily showed me the rest of the pictures. Maybe she just wanted to know she’d been heard?
Could it really be as simple as saying “I know! It sucks”? Maybe…
“So, are you doing anything about it?”
or, guaranteed to end “I’m so fat” conversation:
“Are you keeping a food diary?”
That’s a good way to give validation without lying.
It has the added benefit of being unsatisfying after it’s said a million times, which may cue her to stop fishing for sympathy (if that’s what she’s doing). She’ll no doubt get exasperated, and that’s when you can tell her that you don’t know what else to say. That’s when you say, “I’m sorry you feel this way. How can I help?”
This is a lot more tactful than what I did a few years ago. I had a coworker who was a broken record about how poor she was. Now, her finances probably were crap at the time–but she was making more money than I was at the time so I really wasn’t all that sympathetic. One day she started whining over lunch and I lost it. I let out a heavy sigh and told she was driving me insane with that shit and to quit it. I think I might have walked out of the room.
It seems to me that she stopped whining quite so much after that. Or at least whining to me.
People who are fixated on something often can’t see how annoying it is.
This.
I said the same thing earlier, but in a lot more words.
I really believe that the only truly effective diet pill is a notebook & pen. Or e-equivalent. Once they quit lying to themselves, suddenly their increased efforts start paying off. Or they decide to admit that they weren’t really doing anything useful, aren’t going to, and that they’d rather be fat. Either decision is valid as long as it’s based in actual facts.
I read this entire thread. Some great ideas here, but honestly I hate the weight/diet/fat talk all women seem to engage in. I respond by not giving any validation, just a mysterious smile with no words, and if the conversation goes on too long in a group, I will withdraw.
I cannot stand hearing people about how fat they are. Do something about it, or don’t complain, I don’t care either way.
This is indeed how the conversation is supposed to go:
It’s the same thing when they start venting about their husbands, which is another thing I never do. I know it is their way of connecting, but I won’t badmouth my husband to outsiders, ever. (I never complain about our relationship to anyone but him).
I do the same thing with the husband talk - the polite mysterious smile, and then change the topic.
The thing about people talking about being overweight a lot, or really anything someone has issues with, is that chances are they may not even really realize they’re talking about it as much as they are, or it’s something you’re hyper aware of and noticing it more. That is, a lot of us try to act like the alien on our face isn’t really there, and we’re doing a poor job of convincing ourselves, and even worse convincing others.
The thing is, it’s not going anywhere until it’s dealt with. We can feed their disillusions by ignoring it or changing the subject but, frankly, I think that’s being a poor friend. If you really care about your friends, you should be helping them confront their issues. That doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it, but it’s not difficult to find ways to encourage them to face their problems. And if you just get sick of it, maybe its really about time to reconsider how close you are to this particular friend. If I don’t have the time and energy for a friend, why am I still as close to them as I am?
But as for this sort of issue, its not hard. For example, when I talk to people who complain about the gym, I’ll offer to bring them with me and show them some things, or reassure them that, really, no one there really gives a damn what you look like and, in fact, many people will even be quietly happy to see someone new and still sticking to it after several weeks. As long as it’s more of a tangential mention, I’ll try to turn it into something that addresses it and serves as encouragement to do something positive about it. However, if they’re just complaining about being fat directly, then I’ll confront it directly.
I treat other similar types of complaints the same, like complaining about being single, hating their job, whatever. And, seriously, I tend to get pretty positive results, often people either pick it up and start doing something, or become more present to it, gain some small amount more acceptance for it, and mention it less.
The person in question actually DOES keep a food diary, so this would just inspire her to show it to me. She does exercise, she does eat decently, and while yes, she could eat less or differently without keeling over from starvation or exercise more without keeling over from overexertion, she isn’t just moaning about a problem instead of trying to fix it. Sometimes people are overweight in spite of healthy eating and exercise habits–as I mentioned, she is hypothyroid, and while it would be nice if a daily dose of thyroid supplement was just like having a fully-functional thyroid, it isn’t.
It does seem like she is fishing for something, and if I knew what it was, maybe I could give it to her and she would be satisfied and stop talking about it. If she were an annoying co-worker maybe I wouldn’t care why she shut up, but she is my friend, so exasperating her into shutting up is worse than listening to the complaining.
Maybe I can just work in a segue to second-most-annoying repeated topic, being poor!