Potential SO & Clinical Depression, Dealbreaker?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey there, Dopers!

I have been dating a fine woman for about four months now. She and I get along wonderfully. She’s been hinting at some kind of committed relationship, but I’m still undecided. My biggest hurdles is the fact that she’s was diagnosed with clinical depression about a year or so ago.

She’s 26, and she has had serious trouble dealing with her condition pre-diagnosis at about the age of 20. She is now getting started in her first year as a teacher.

She has exhibited only one bout of depression in the past four months. I that case, she was a bit weepy and down for an evening. She was fine the next day.

My parents have advised me not to go forward, but they are supportive if I disagree. They fear problems down the line with her and children as well as possible harsh expenses in terms of future health care if this relationship ever became marriage.

Other than the depression, I think she’s great!

Is this a dealbreaker? What say you?

Thanks.

2

Forming a long-term relationship with someone who has clinical depression is like doing so with anyone with any other chronic illness or disability. It doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but it can be.

But may I state, first of all, that depressed people need love, too?

My advice to YOU is to educate yourself about clinical depression. Not the media-hyped Hollywood version, but the current thinking and treatments available from professionals. In other words, scheduling an hour with her doctor (presuming she is seeing a psychiatrist, or psychologist) to discuss the disorder is not out of the quesiton. Make it clear you are considering a long-term relationship but want to be fully informed before committing.

The fact that she is in treatment is a good sign - UNtreated clinical depression is much worse. And, in fact, folks with CD can undergo periods of remission.

After you have educated yourself, do some serious soul-searching on this one. If you truly love and care for this person you can cope with the bad times as well as the good, but don’t make the committment without intending to follow through.

3

Also, please educate your parents about depression. Once everyone in your family has been educated, check to see if you still have doubts and questions. If you do, then you are not the one she needs to be with.

4

I’m trying to learn and keep an open mind. I was hoping for some good practical info or experience from Dopers with depression or in relationships with someone with depression. I can read all the books I want, but some good practical information or advice would be helpful. Thanks!

5

I’m not clear what kind of treatment she’s receiving. I’ve been on antidepressants for about three years now and have to say it’s proof positive of the “better living through chemistry” saying.

Yes, there’s a genetic component to depression (and its close kin, bipolar disorder), both of which definitely run in my family – but knowledge is definitely power in this. The painful thing is not knowing what the behavior is about – but once it’s diagnosed in even one family members, others start to keep an eye out for it. (There’s been a real domino effect amongst siblings and first cousins in my family of people checking out antidepressants and recommending them…)

Talk therapy, alone, I’m not sure would do as much good – though my bout with talk therapy was a decade ago, with a woman who didn’t recognize the depression – but who did help me with a bunch of other issues. (This was around the time my mother died, etc.)

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

6

Like Broomstick said!

Practical advice/information:

Depression can be a one time issue or a recurring, chronic problem. It can be treated and controlled, especially if one has developed good coping skills and is vigilant about the need for treatment. But, like any other disease process, there are ranges of severity. It’s caused by resistance to or low levels of substances that your body normally produces: serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine, and can be treated with medications. Just like diabetes is caused by resistance to or low levels of a substance that your body normally produces: insulin.

Would you be asking this question if she had diabetes rather than depression? Depression is really no different than any other physical chronic illness. You said she last had serious problems pre-diagnosis, six years ago. It sounds like she has it very well controlled and is having it treated appropriately.

I don’t see any reason for a history of depression to be a dealbreaker to a committed relationship, because the demand on you, emotional and financial, is no different than you may have to face with ANYONE in a committed relationship. All of us are subject to developing a chronic illness, and depression can even develop concurrently with other physical conditions that occur over the course of a lifetime, such as heart disease, diabetes, stroke, etc. I think the best question to ask yourself is, “Do I love this woman enough to give myself to her through any problems life can throw at us?”

If you aren’t sure yet, then why don’t you keep dating her and see how the relationship develops? It’s only been four months. What’s the hurry?

7

Good points, TMWSTER.

There is no hurry. I’m just trying to get an idea of what I can expect if we decide to “go to the next level”.

People in her past have not been sympathetic to her condition. However, I told her that telling me she has depression is like telling me she has asthma. No big deal. My only problem is that I really don’t know enough about depression to know if it is analogous to dealing with asthma, diabetes, etc.

So far, the consensus of the thread seems to be that it’s not a big deal if treated properly and I keep an open mind. That’s reassuring.

Any other stories are helpful… :slight_smile:

8

A couple of points to make, one more positive than the other.

First, be aware that many people recover from depression. I was treated for depression in my early twenties, with tri-cyclic antidepressants and counseling. It was a truly dark and heavy cloud, but it did lift, after no small amount of time. Things were fine, in fact, great, for several years.

Then I slipped back into something very familiar. A romantic collapse was, I think, an environmental stimulus that pushed me back into a state very similar to where I’d been before. Whle I didn’t seek counseling or antidepressants, a lot of what it took to beat the previous experience helped me finally effect some serious life changes and get past it. It took about a year and a half.

Been fine since then, and that was well over twenty years ago. Everyone has some hard times, and just plain unhappy times, and I’ve had my share in the intervening decades. But I’ve never since felt myself slipping back into dark world.

So, people do get over it.

The second part of my offering is not as upbeat. It relates to what I might call a syndrome that I experienced, and that I’ve heard of others, including one of my best friends with his (now ex-) wife, experiencing.

My SO of many years became depressed (this was many years after my last experience of depression). Quite a few environmental factors undoubtably contributed to the onset - I won’t go into them. Nevertheless, she started the big sink, and I recognized what was happening.

As her SO, partner, whatever, it became a mighty concern. Of all the people in the world, I was the only one who wanted to intrude on her funk. Nobody else was trying to have a little bit of Christmas in her world; nobody else tried to “make” her celebrate a birthday; nobody else was hinting that she might want to see a therapist.

In short, nobody else cared, and all those other folks were at least leaving her alone.

I loved her and I couldn’t ignore the self-destructive behavior. What that ultimately meant was that I, as her SO, by virtue of not leaving her to destroy herself, became the focus of her trials with the world.

My purpose is to only tell my story as far as it relates to the question at hand. Suffice to say that the ex is doing much better now (years later), and I watched my best friend go through an identical experience with his then wife. As she slipped off, he was the only one who cared enough to disturb her funk. He thus became the focus of her ire.

I’ll note that both my friend and his ex as well as myself and my ex are now, many years later, and with both of the exes well down the road with therapy, close friends.

Just a caveat, Bearflag70, since you asked. The fact that your lady friend has recognized a problem that must be addressed and is in therapy is most encouraging.

9

I and my husband are both clinically depressed.

My husband has had a lot of trouble finding a medication that works for him, and is of the mindset that he doesn’t really need it anyway. I say horses***. He needs it bad.

My MD is the one that suspected depression with me, and gave me some Wellbutrin, until I could get in to a psychiatrist. I was a little leery of taking Wellbutrin, because I have epilepsy, and Wellbutrin is not recommended for people with seizure disorders. But I tried it, and I felt a little better, and had no seizure problems while I was on it.

But when I finally got in to see a psychiatrist, he immediately took me off the Wellbutrin and started me on Celexa.

This was probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Oh boy. I never really knew how depressed I’d been until one day, I wasn’t. I’d gotten so used to life being a dull, gray blah that I’d forgotten that it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

I’m lucky, though, in that I didn’t have to fool around with one med after another (although I now currently take two anti-depressants every day, and a third as needed). My meds work quite well.

I mentioned earlier that I’m epileptic. I’m on meds for that as well, and they do work, but I still have the occasional “breakthrough” seizure. It’s that way with my depression, too. Most times, I’m okay. The meds don’t make me terminally happy and perky, but they do make me level and functional. They make me see that the whole world isn’t black and sucky all the time. But there are those times when yeah, even though I take these meds and they do help tremendously, I still get down. But taking the meds also helps me to know that being down is a temporary thing. They help me see that it’s just the screwy chemicals in my head, and it’s not really the whole world out to get me.

Depression runs in my family. Although I could have inherited it, I’m not real sure that I did (I do have a strong enough bond with my also-clinically-depressed mother, though, to be able to say to her “I’m in a bad mood, and it’s YOUR fault! Neener!” ;)) But as for being a deal-breaker in your relationship, well, that’s really up to you. It’s something that your girlfriend will have to cope with for a long time, if not for the rest of her life.

Educate yourself. And support her. Depression can be crippling (so much so that it’s now covered under the Family Medical Leave Act), but it doesn’t have to be. And the more support one has, the easier it is to deal with.

Best of luck to you!

10

Presentation of credentials: I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I’m in therapy. I take Klonopin for anxiety and Effexor for depression.

The thing you’ll need most if you decide to continue this relationship is patience. Patience, patience, patience. And then more patience. During a depressive episode, I don’t want to do anything. I can’t do anything. I’m occasonally irrational and always uncooperative. In order to be of any help to me, the people who love me have to be so kind and supportive and patient even though I don’t give anything back.

I know it wears on the nerves and causes strain in relationships. You have to decide if you have the reserves to expend that kind of emotional energy if and when she hits a bad spot. And it’s not a matter of “Do I like/love her enough to get through it?” You can love someone to the end of the Earth and back and still not have the personal emotional endurance to see them through extended depressive episodes.

11

If you love her…then you know the answer. Depression (people who don’t know anything about it) is a medical condition and it would be wise to educate YOUR PARENTS as well as yourself.

It does not mean she’s a freak or anything! But I must say…from experience, if you’re a strong, confident man, then you shouldn’t have any problems. Just support her the best you can. Good luck. Love rules.

12

Bearflag, if it is a dealbreaker, I’m in a lot of trouble.

I’m someone else around here who suffers from clinical depression, and I’ve started a support group for others around here who do. It’s not debilitating, and it doesn’t mean someone who suffers from it is any less of a person. In fact, some of the finest, most intelligent people I know suffer from clinical depression, and remember, I hang out with Mensans!

If you don’t mind, I’d like to e-mail you an essay on depression I wrote for my church’s newsletter. Since it is written from an explicitly Christian point of view, I do need your permission first. Either put in in this thread or send me an e-mail – my address is in my profile.

Your good lady has a problem, but she is aware of it and is taking appropriate measures. In my (biased) opinion, depression is no more of a dealbreaker than diabetes, heart disease, or any other recurrent illness. Also, please feel free to review my posting history here if you like. A recent thread in MPSIMS will show you what I’m like at my worst, but that is information you need.

Thanks for being willing to open your mind.
CJ

13

I’m glad this thread isn’t filled with responses like “You bastard! How can you even think of abandoning her when she obviously needs you now more than ever?” I hope nobody would encourage the OP to bite this off before seriously considering whether he can chew it.

I agree with mostly everything that’s been said, and I’ll just add a couple of things:

Millions upon millions of people go through something like this at some point in their lives. There are differences of degree, but it’s one of the most common classes of illness out there. If you decide this is a “dealbreaker”, that’s an awful lot of people off your list.

If someone I was dating rejected the possibility of taking it to the next level because of my diagnosis (for which I take medication and attend therapy), I guess I would be disappointed, but much better that than entering into a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t want to deal with me when I’m not at my best.

14

I am not doubting the battle that she has had with depression. You have received some excellent advice and information.

But, I would like to point out that everyone is sometimes weepy and down for an evening. No one is happy and up all the time. I wouldn’t worry about her every time she gets in a funk for a night or is just generally unhappy for a day. Let her have her moods with out worrying about it if she is getting depressed.

One evening of being down does not a depression make.

15

Yes, this is true, but I got the impression that the woman has had a history with symptoms of this sort. The OP said that she was diagnosed about a year ago. That likely means that she has had symptoms for a long time, possibly years, finally went to the doctor about a year ago, and is now dealing with it for the first time as an illness rather than a “blue funk” or something like that.

I think the way the medical community distinguishes between a general lousy mood and actual depression is the length of time it lasts and the degree to which the rest of your life is affected. If you’ve been in a bad mood for five weeks, then it’s time to see a doctor.

16

Assuming she continues the way she’s going (and it sounds like she’s doing really well, good for her!) I can help you with a bit of an analogy.

I get depressive sometimes. My boyfriend has severe asthma.

On both sides, sometimes is causes a sleepless night. Sometimes he needs to take are of me while I feel sad, sometimes I need to sit up with him when he’s wheezing. Sometimes we’ll have a spat when I’m feeling down, and need to talk through it. Sometimes I’ll have to get him in a cab and to the hospital, and sit with him till 6am.

In our cases, it is comparable. We’re both trying to get our conditions under control. But the truth is, while it does require some patience and time every once in a while, they are absolutely not dealbreakers. For us, anyway.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

17

I got the impression from the OP that she seemed fine to him for four months but then exhibited what he called a bout of depression by being weepy and down for one evening. My only point was that everyone gets down sometimes and even a person with a history of depression can be down for a night with out it indicating that the depression is coming back.

I would agree if she were down for five weeks then he needs to worry about her.

18

I think that in order to completely decide, you’d have to either see what she’s like when she’s down, or ask for and get a completely honest description.

I know that people said that if you love a person, it doesn’t matter. For the most part, I believe this to be true. However, if the OP and his SO were to get married without his seriously having considered this question. . .well, it’s just going to be that much worse.

If getting down and weepy for a night (or even for a stretch of time) is as bad as it gets…well, you’ve experienced that, and I assume that since she’s been diagnosed, she’s (probably) getting SOME form of treatment. Remember that no one is going to be happy-go-lucky all the time, and that as long as you can be there for her “for better or worse,” then there’s no reason not to get involved.

If that’s not the case, you need to find out before you take it to the next level.

Emotional disorders, IMHO, have more impact on the quality of a relationship than physical disorders, at least at the non-extreme level. If someone has, say, an asthma attack or a bad flu, that doesn’t change who they are. A depressive episode for all intents and purposes can.

Side note: I’m cyclothymic. I cycle very rapidly. I can go from hyper-giddy-happy to gloomy-gus-down in a very short period of time. I’m also in a wonderful relationship with someone who understands and accepts this. Depression and other mood disorders are not necessarily dealbreakers.

19

WOW! Thanks for the responses so far! Keep them coming.

To address some issues raised, she had some SERIOUS problems when she was about 20 years old (6 years ago). She attempted suicide twice. Also, she had bouts all through college and sobotaged her last relationship by picking fights. She was finally diagnosed about a year ago and prescribed medication. She’s not taking it, but she seems to be doing fine. She’s also not “in therapy”.

However, she says she’s very happy these days. The last bout was mild, as I mentioned. Her bout before that was about last April, and she said she was just “down” for a couple days. If all I have to worry about is an occasional “mood” or “funk”, then I’m not too concerned. My concern is, now that she’s diagnosed, whether she can relapse into an uncontrollable SERIOUS bout again. Maybe once the infatuation of our relationship wears off and she gets settled into her career, she’ll return to her old self??

As far as “loving her enough” and the idea that I may be deserting her when she needs me most… well, we’ve only been dating for four months. The relationship isn’t that serious (yet). I haven’t allowewd it to get more serious becuase I have been waiting to see how her condition plays out over time. We’re being patient and going slowly.

My parents thought was that I can date many people… why expose myself to this if I can avoid it? There are other wonderful people out there who don’t have clinical depression. (The “other fish in the sea” argument).

Also, she’s only 26, starting a new career, and diagnosed only a year ago. Maybe she doesn’t have enough experience dealing with the condition yet to be able to predict anything about her future bouts. If she was 30, she would have more history to draw upon. Maybe the timing of this relationship isn’t right, and I should move on to avoid the risk.

-Torn & confused…

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BTW, there is some time pressure here insofar as she is getting more deeply involved in the relationship, but I’m sitting on the fence because of this issue. I’m not allowing myself to get more emotionally attached until I can make an informed call about how far I’m willing to let this go. It’s not fair to her for me to stay on the fence much longer.