(note: though the title seems flippant, I am asking this with the utmost of sincerety and desire to do what’s best).
As a sequel to my original post on the benefits of a separation, I’d like to ask a follow up question.
How do you tell your spouse that, perhaps, what they are experiencing is a problem related to a depression or similar imbalance?
I don’t bring this up lightly but I know that her father and her siblings are aflicted with depression to various degrees. A couple have been treated for it in the past while another is currently seeing a therapist. Now, under normal circumstances, I’d kindly suggest this as a possible cause of her self esteem issues (which seem to be a factor in our marital dispute), but I dare not for a couple of reasons. One is that she has a very poor (almost non existant) relationship with her siblings, except for her youngest sister. Two, is that I’m not exactly in a position where a comment of this nature would be seen as being in any way helpful to our relationship.
Now, I have never brought this possibility up to anyone before but two mutual friends and a close friend of mine (who does not know her) have inquired the very same thing…“Does she have history of depression?” I was taken aback a little each time. I honestly never considered her to be afflicted with depression. Sure, she could, on rare occassions, be mercurial but not (in my opinion) any more than the average adult.
So how do I suggest (carefully and caringly) that she may benefit from professional consultation with a reputable therapist?
Start with “we should go for counseling.” Or, even better, start by going to counseling yourself. Then, invite her to go with you. The therapist may suggest it, after seeing her.
She may or may not admit to being depressed. If she is big-time anti-doctor or anti-medication she may resist whole heartedly. How long have you been together? If you guys are married and have been for a while, I don;t see why you can not talk to her about anything…
I’d be direct, and sincere and very very sensitive. Make sure of the last one, because it sounds like all she needs is someone to be even the slightest bit insensitive and she’s off the deep end.
I’m trying to just use recall on this, and I think you might be the one who mentioned that your wife trains for triathlons, or similar. If so, I think that exercise tends to release chemicals in the brain that combat depression. So I would doubt the depression. Just a thought. And if my recollection is not correct, please disregard.
Very good advice. You may even want to tell her you are going, and not invite her. Leave it to her to ask to come, if she would do anything like that…Cognitive dissonance usually works.
I may be totally off-base here but I don’t think this is the time for you to mention it. The only way I’d bring it up is if her depression was something that you were thinking about for a long time but just hadn’t addressed it. You say it wasn’t something you had really thought of until now. I think it’s completely understandable to grasp at straws in a situation like this, but you may do some real damage if one of those straws is questioning her mental stability (which is how she may take it, regardless of delivery).
Although endorphins have been shown to combat depression, I don’t know if it’s a conclusion as simple as
exercise much=no depression.
Anecdotally, I have a friend who runs marathons and would probably easily fall under the clinical definition of depression.
I would suspect that it’s because people who are driven to
physical extremes may also experience more emotional extremes.
Perhaps it’s less of a depression issue than an anxiety problem or disorder, or what they would have referred to in the old days
as “spirited”.
No you’re correct Violet, she’s a tremendous triathlete. And yes, working out does release seratonins(?) that give you a lift (ex. a runner’s high). Though I’m not a tri star like my wife, I do work out regularly and do experience this boost.
The thing is, like caffeine, it’s a temporary high and for somebody who has a pre-disposition to depression, it may not be enough. There is a tremendous cyclist named Graham Obree who set track records in his time but continued to suffer dramatically with his depression. Exercise helps but does not entirely solve the problem.
blanx & Phlosph I have thought of doing just that recently, but what would I say to a therapist? Help me, my marriage is failing but it’s my wife that really needs to talk to you?
I suppose I could benefit from some form of marital therapy but I’m not entirely certain what my questions would be. I know why things have gone wrong and I know what I can do to fix them. I’m just not sure I will get that opportunity.
You are not totally off base. I’ve always know about her family’s history with depression. I’ve been a first hand witness to some of these bouts. I guess, because she’s never showed any symptoms over the 15 years we’ve been together, I assumed that she was spared that gene. I may have even turned a blind eye to some minor evidence. In short, it’s not that I’ve never considered the possibility, it’s just that I’ve never brought it to anyone’s attention.
Yes. If you want, call ahead of time and express your concern that she is depressed, and you’d like him/her to take a look at that.
Alternately, I would say in as loving-yet-concerned of a tone that I could muster something to the effect of, “I’ve been concerned about you, you’ve been not eating enough/not sleeping well/not yourself/tired all the time/uninterested in doing the things you liked doing last year/whatever. I think maybe you should see a doctor, to see if you’re all right.” Then call said doctor after she makes an appointment and express your concerns about the family history of depression and her behavior.
Youre working in the dark here, QuickSilver. If you want to go to a therapist, thats up to you but you say its your wife that needs therapy. Go in that direction. The time for beating around the bush about such thing is already past. Your marriage is failing and there is no time to be overly delicate. Talk to your wife and tell her exactly what you told us. You found out that depression can be the source of most of your marital problems. Ask her directly, if she thinks if this is an avenue to explore, possibly with a counsellor or therapist. Volunteer to give whatever cooperation she needs. Let her know it may not be her fault or yours. A chemical imbalance can blow simple things out of proportion.
Keep in mind that depression does not come out of the blue. There is an underlying reason for the the onset of depression and that is still something that needs to be addressed. Clinical depression is merely dwelling on issues that normally is resolved after a short period of time. There may be a “dynamic” that is in play that has to be revealed and resolved.
With respect to the question of whether or not a person who exercises that much can get depression–unequivocally, yes, particularly if there is a family history of depression.
For example: My father works out like a maniac, which helps to combat his serious problem with major depression, but he also requires medication and therapy to keep the disease under control. His mother and all four of his siblings also suffer from major depression.
I also happen to be good friends with a triathlete who has suffered from depression severe enough to require medication; mental illness also runs in her family.
Having quietly followed your situation, I would recommend asking your wife to attend therapy with you. If your wife is depressed, a good therapist will pick up on it.
What do you say to a therapist? How’s about, “Well, you see doc, I was out of work for a year and a half, and I had a lot of issues during that time that just kind of got swept under the rug. Things are better now, but still not up to par. Oh, and incidentally, I think the stress of dealing with my issues may have brought on a bout of depression in my wife.”
It’s true, judging by your previous thread, and it’s going to go over way better than “Well, honey, I know you think I’m the problem, but it’s really just that you’re depressed.” Trust me on this one.
I think you should just tell her. No need to bring the siblings or whatever, that’s not necessary.
I dealt with my husband’s depression and couldn’t take it anymore, and I told him he needed to address the situation. It took him a while to understand he was sick. He then took action and he is doing much better today. I took him to a kind of a meeting/conference about depression, and I think it was needed for him to hear what it was from somebody else than me.
It happens that therapy is not the best for my husband, he doesn’t like it at all. He did go for a bit but we agreed that he would deal with it another way. We have each other and he is back doing some exercice and things he hadn’t done in almost 2 years.
I’d sit her down, and tell her how worried you are about her and explain that it is nothing to be ashamed of, and most of all, it can be “fixed”.
Good luck!
I would suggest that she look into counseling and leave it at that. You can’t live someone’s life for them. When it gets bad enough she will either take you up on your advice or not. It’s up to her. You need to just look out for your self (as you seem to have done) and not get dragged down by someone else’s illness. Be supportive, but don’t get sucked in.
As someone who has experienced clinical depression and continually combats dysthymia, I agree. Exercise seems to help most those who don’t exercise much normally. For people who go at it hard and often, the effect is diminished over time. Not only that, but depression itself usually dulls a person’s motivation to exercise in the first place.
I would strongly advise against the OP saying to his wife that she needs therapy. If she is truly depressed, she is unlikely to be rational about it, considering that it is something that connects her to a family she abhors. (Depression often also affects one’s judgement and/or ability to do or see what is in one’s own best interests. It’s part of the whole motivation-sapping thing.)
What you do is, like others have said, go to therapy together. Tell her that it is marital counseling, but pick a counselor who is certified to recognize/treat depression as well. (That is, don’t go to a priest or pastor unless they’re a psychologist or LSW also). Tell the counselor privately before the first session your fears about your wife, and why you feel you can’t tell her directly. If he/she comes to agree with you, he can broach the subject. Since the news isn’t comig from you but from a professional who is paid to be impartial, she’ll be much more likely to listen.
If I were your wife, and given what I remember of your situation, I would think that you were looking for external excuses for the internal issues in your marriage. And I would be none too pleased that you decided it was my mental health that was the contributory cause. What exactly is it that you’re seeing that makes you think that this is what’s happening? If she is quiet, withdrawn and has no interest in things she used to (i.e. relating to you), and as you say, there have been ongoing marital issues, her behavior could simply be related to her dissatisfaction with your marriage. You said she wants a separation. It sounds like she’s creating one even though you’re still living together. That’s a whole different ball game from depression. (And not to say that she may not be sad that she doesn’t feel the way she used to about your relationship.)
I am not, of course, your wife so I don’t know all the details or know what she’s thinking. But as a wife in a similar situation to hers and yours, I’m throwing out a distinct possibility. Have you talked about going to a marriage counselor? Is she comfortable with the idea or does she just want to separate? They may be able to help sort through these questions, but it’s really up to your wife.
I would concentrate more on your own behavior/feelings which is the only thing you can ultimately change. If you bring this up, it could drive more of a wedge between you, especially if there’s been any kind of history on your part of not taking responsibility in your relationship.
I’m not so sure about the “take her to a therapist but not tell her what it’s really about” thing.
I suffer from depression, and paranoia along with it. If my hubby took me to see a shrink for “marriage guidance” and it suddenly because something else, that would only re-inforce my paranoia.
Some years ago my depression got too much for my boyfriend, and he told me flat out that I needed to go get help.
But then I always respond better when people use the direct approach on me, might not necesarily be the best thing for your wife.
But if you take her to a shrink, I do think you should be honest about exactly why. She may have thought of it too, especially if other members of her family suffer from it.
Whatever you do, don’t lie to her about what’s going on. If you do that, she’ll find out and it will be the final nail in your marriage’s coffin. She will never trust you again, and she’ll probably be out that door fast enough to make your head spin.
Tell her you wonder if she might not be depressed from dealing with you over the last couple of years. Tell her that it might help her figure out where she wants to go from here if she has an objective stranger to talk to. Tell her that we’ve suggested you get therapy. Tell her that you’ve decided you aren’t the problem in the relationship and you think she’s crazy as a shithouse rat. Tell her anythng that’s true, but don’t tell her that you want to work out your issues as a couple when all you want to do is get her “fixed”. That sort of dishonesty is a piss-poor foundation for something you want to last the rest of your lives.
As for telling her that her problems can be fixed, I can’t imagine a worse way to phrase something. Needing to be fixed implies that you’re broken, and that’s the last thing someone who already has self-esteem issues and/or depression needs to hear. The idea that someone who claims to love and respect you thinks you’re defective is more than enough to send you further along a downward spiral.
Gee, this really doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.
Isn’t your main motivation to improve your marriage? Suggest you go to marriage counselling. The counsellor will figure out what the problems are in the marriage. It’s not fair to assume that just because you’re having problems that maybe your wife is mentally unstable. I’m sure there are several contributing issues, and the therapist is better suited to figure it out than you are.
