standing next to depression

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve written a number of threads on the dope about my home life. 30,000 foot view is: Lots of crap happened. Of all kinds: death, financial, raising twins, both my wife and I broke down and tried to cope with the stress and loss in our own ways and medications to varying degrees of success.

Wife started hanging out ‘with the wrong crowd’, essentially running away from the situation. We had it out over that, started really talking again, adjusted our medication, and started to gain some ground in improving our outlook.

That lasted about two months…til last week when I think the season caught up with her. She used to make about 10-12 dozen cookies for the family. Now two of the most important people she did this for are dead, or have diabetes and can’t have the cookies. The one hobby she fell back on to get her though is Halloween. She’s spent the year talking about it, making props, helping other people get ready for it. I don’t completely understand the draw, but it’s hers, and I have my own odd distractions, so I’m not one to judge. But Halloween is over for another year, and putting the decorations away didn’t help her outlook.

Divorce has been mentioned a time or two. I figure that’s pretty natural considering. But the end decision was always: Our problems aren’t with the relationship. If we get a chance to pause and take stock. We get along pretty well. Our libidos are out of sync, but considering what we’ve been through, that’s pretty understandable and by itself isn’t a big issue. And if anything, Divorce would make our situation much much worse.

Last week, she plummeted again. Deep depression, feeling numb, lethargic, constant weeping, and a desire to feel pain…the only emotion she says she can feel. This happened when I was out of town and I was powerless to do anything to help. She has not done self mutilation, and while suicide is something she’s thought a lot about, it’s not something she’s seriously considered. There is a case of self-mutilation in her near relatives, so it’s something I’m on the lookout for.

At my behest, she contacted our family doctor again, who changed her medication, again, and recommended a neuropsychiatrist. I think my wife’s problem is outside the Dr’s abilities to treat. This is a very busy guy, so assistance would be a ways out before she can get an appointment.

In the meantime, there’s psychiatric counseling available through my work and we’re getting her there next week.

We talked and came to an understanding that no big decisions should be made while she’s like this, that she cannot be sure her decisions are accurate or tinted by hysteria. I can accurately say that, as during my worst moments, I was overpowered with hysterical (and inaccurate) feelings that she was being unfaithful. I’m well aware of how the brain feels fear, THEN sorts around for a cause for that fear and inserts whatever convenient phobia it can find.

Here’s where I’m at, and the reason for the post:

Over the months that my medication has taken hold, I’m feeling a LOT better. But those reserves are rapidly being used up. The burden of operating a household, working a job, taking more than my share of the child-rearing, and trying to get someone I love though this stretch is draining. What’s worse is: I don’t have a firm grasp of psychiatry, I don’t know what to expect or how to help. Your car’s broke? I can fix that. Network clogged? I can handle that too.

How to get someone help who doesn’t want it and kinda likes sitting in the pit she’s in? Not so much.

I will not leave her. That speaks against my morals. I entered into a relationship for better or worse and if I left at a low point, I’d never forgive myself. Early in this situation I determined that I’d take the high road. Whatever happened I could look back and say I did everything I could.

This doesn’t feel like the other marital issue threads I’ve found here. There’s no animosity, there’s no backbiting or infidelity. The relationship isn’t well, but it’s not our relationship that’s making it that way. It’s a person I care about who needs help that she doesn’t want, I’m doing my best to provide, and I feel increasingly frustrated at being in this situation.

She hasn’t been on the new cocktail long enough for me to see if it’s made a difference or not, but last night she had a manic episode, really really really up. It’s better than sobbing on the floor, but not by much.

2

I’m sorry to hear you’re having troubles. The holidays seem to trip it for a lot of people.

The new shrink may decide that a period of hospitalization is needed. Your wife may need to be monitored for any new medication they prescribe to make sure she’s properly dosed. That time in the hospital could be very helpful to both of you; there are therapy sessions (my experience was both individual and family sessions) that can help you two make a plan for the future. She may be resistant to the idea of a couple weeks away from home, but the doctor should try to impress upon her the importance of finding the correct mix of meds and/or therapy to get you guys over the hump.

Good luck. It sounds like you’re on the right track.

3

I"m hoping meeting with a professional (as opposed to our family practitioner) will bring about an ‘a ha!’ moment. Either in helping her to move on, or having a professional say: You really need X kind of help.

4

I once was the spouse that was in the depths of depression. I give my wife a lot of credit for sticking by me during all that.

Speaking from “the other side” so to speak, it is easier sometimes to give in to the depression. I always saw it like a black velvet blanket that wrapped around me. Days could pass while I was wrapped in it. I went through all sorts of treatments - some good, others horrific. The good news is that I have been out of the pit and without need of medicinal support for over a year now.

I can say that the things I remember most about what my wife did for me during those times was the times that she simply held on to me for a while when I was in that black velvet. It just helped somehow, even if it did not seem that much. Just be there for your wife. Don’t fall into the temptation to try to “guilt” her out of the black velvet. It won’t work & will likely make it worse both in the short term and the long term.

In the end, though, it was me that had to pull out of that pit. Support along the way helped, medication kept me from harming myself, hospitalization at the right time kept me safe when I needed it, but no one other than me could have pulled me out of there.

5

How old are your twins?

6
  1. And the workload for taking care of them has lessened since they were potty trained a few months ago. A lot of things have improved but none of the good stuff gets any traction. (Understandable, considering the situation).
7

Having had some time to talk to some coworkers a couple of things have kinda come to light.

I think the biggest reason why we’ll most likely work things out is: We haven’t lost respoect for each other. You get a divorce when you don’t want to be around someone anymore, neither of us are there.

I also think she’s spending time trying to find stuff to ‘fill the hole’. It used to be buying things, but lately that doesn’t seem to help. I think until she finds something she’s in control of and is uniquely hers, she’ll have a hard time with that.

8

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I don’t have any advice to offer, but I did want to add that you sound like a great person to hang in through a very difficult time for your wife. I hope that things get better for you when the time is right.

9

Ditto what H&R said.

10

Hopefully over time with the medication and counselling, she will learn how to heal that hole. In the meantime, maybe there is something else she could find to do, that would be a more positive focus? Does she like to do anything creative? Could she bake cookies for coworkers? Dog cookies for the animal shelter? Learn to knit? Take up painting? The benefit of something creative is that it might help her get some of these emotions out.

I know it can be hard, when things are overwhelming, to add another “thing” to do every day. But one thing I have noticed - spending 1/2 hour or so in my little studio every day creating something doesn’t lose that time - because it improves my mood enough that I am more productive with the rest of my day.

11

That’s for the support guys.

Her Xmas present this year is to push out a part fo the basement and give her a dedicated location to work on her hobby. Last year it kinda took over the dining room, living room and island in the kitchen…not because it was a lot of stuff, but because there wasn’t a specific place to do it. She doesn’t really have a place like that in the house that’s uniquely hers and I hope that’ll help.

12

gah, too early in the morning. Thanks…thanks for the support.

13

You have my deepest sympathies, UI. The situation sounds very rough. As someone who grapples with depression[sup]*[/sup] I know how difficult it can be to move out of it. The fact that you are “being there” for her is really good. My SO at the time was not, and it made the situation much harder. I also like the idea of creating her own space to do her projects. That’s a sweet Christmas gift. Good luck and best wishes to you and your wife.

[sup]*[/sup] [John Astin]Though I’m much better now.[/John Astin] :smiley:

14

I too am sorry to hear of your situation, Unintentionally Blank. I feel like I’ve turned a corner in my own struggle with depression, and congratulations on feeling somewhat better, but I know all too well how dark and dismal and numbing it can be, and how easy it is to slip back into it. It beckons.

I found some books to be worthwhile, like this and this one, both about living with a depressed person. I bought it for my boyfriend, because I knew I was hard to live with and I wanted to let him know that right now I couldn’t help it.

But reading it myself really helped too. At the time I wasn’t seeking care for myself but this book and others like it helped me want to get help. I think that’s the hardest part, deciding that you want to help you and that it isn’t anyone else’s decision. It hurts the people around you because they can’t help you or make you want it enough to take your own steps. You can want help without knowing how or having the will to do it, and how I came around myself is something I don’t even fully understand, but with books and journaling and medication, somewhere a light turned on in my brain.

During my worst depressive periods, I was convinced that my relationship was useless (my boyfriend and I have lived together for five years). I tried so hard to make him leave me, so I could justify the depression. I really thought that I didn’t love him and I constantly questioned his mental state for wanting to stay with me.

The good news is that as I am seeing things more clearly, I realize that I do love him and he loves me and that we have a very good relationship. I don’t want to give it up, and I would be stupid to try because he’s stuck with me through my worst. The hardest thing for me is to accept that he loves me, because I have a hard time believing that I’m worth it. But it’s good practice.

I apologize for rambling on about myself, but I hoped to reinforce that it is possible for things to get better, as you can probably attest to. It can turn around for your wife too, but as you know it takes tremendous patience. Good on you for seeking support to alleviate the pressure, and have you considered a therapist (if you mentioned it I missed it)? Not a psychiatric doctor but someone who can listen and offer support and help you get perspective.

15

UB You are doing great taking care of a household, children and a wife. It must be physically and emotionally draining. Don’t let yourself get burned out. It would be ironic if your wife got better just in time for your to break down. If you have any family or friends that can help you with the housework and/or children ask for help. You are already a hero there is no need to be Superman. If you don’t have any people you can ask for help, hire someone once a week to give you a chance to take a break. Also if your wife has had a job she may be eligible for Social Security benifits, her conselor or doctor may be able to give you some help on that. Take care of your family and yourself!

16

Thanks for the bump figure9. It reminded me to follow back up with y’all. After 6 days of incredibly bad (she was very down for 4 of those days), we had a burst of good. I’d say over the last four days, she’s been good most of them. Had a little emotional jag twice today, but they were manageable and didn’t last.

The visit to the counselor/therapist/shrink is Tuesday. Based on what we’ve seen over the ast few days, I think the new meds are working for a bit, and I’m pretty sure we’re gaining ground.

We got the christmas tree up and lit, and the lights hung outside this weekend, I’ve been told keeping to the routine stuff is important and it did feel good.

17

Glad for the good tidings!

When my husband and I were first engaged, he was concerned that he wouldn’t know how to deal with my depression which was generally chronic but low grade with episodes of more intense depression.

He has been beautiful! One thing that he does is to ask me if there is anything that he can do to make me feel better. Often I just tell him that “it’s just depression” and that I will just have to let it run its course. But sometimes there are little things he can do. Rub my back, brush my hair, put some music on, find a comedy routine to listen to, hold my hand while I go to sleep, get me a cold towel for my head. These are just some of the things.

I really hope that you two give yourselves a chance to grow together when you are both fully yourselves. Things can change like you wouldn’t believe! I’ve been there!

Very good together – 21 years later…

18

My household has also undergone a really, really rough year. So much loss and transition. We have done pretty well, hey we’re still standing.

I still haven’t put up a single Christmas decoration, I was in total denial until a few days ago, that I could make it through okay. That somehow Christmas would catch up to me. But then, finally, on Friday I admitted the truth to someone, I just don’t feel it, I can’t seem to get into step with the whole Christmas vibe. It’s just not there.

As freeing as it was to acknowledge how I really feel, (met universally, with “Well, it’s to be expected, in your circumstance.”), it sort of felt like I was telling the depression to just pull up a chair and have a seat, settle in, in some ways.

I’ve struggled through so many months of this year to stay one step ahead of it, it was defeating to acknowledge it in the end. After some serious reflection I came to see it differently. When I really examined how I felt, separated the loss from the depression over the loss, I began to see another side.

It’s difficult to put into words but I’ll try. A very large part of me wants this year, this horror show of a year, to just be over already. I’ve kept my head down and my chin up, I’ve done my best to struggle through. But the truth is this year cannot end soon enough for me.

Where a marathon runner gets a fresh spurt of energy once in sight of the finish line I almost feel like the reverse has happened for me. Having come so far the sight of the finish line makes me just want to lie down, like I cannot find the energy to take the last few steps. I can’t explain it, I can only tell you how it feels.

Perhaps some of this is happening for your wife as well.

Either way, I empathize with you and wish you peace and a hopeful new year, my friend.

19

elbows We’ve walked your path. You story sounds very familiar. You need to have a support structure in place for when things ease up (and they will). Be on the lookout for anxiety attacks or other mental oddities as things ‘get better’. My brain got so good at handling adversity that it didn’t know how to handle things when there WASN’T adversity. When there’s nothing wrong it would search for somethign wrong, then start to make shit up. I saw our family doctor and started getting treatment for Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I won’t get into the details of what happened as it kinda turns into a ‘you think YOU’VE got it bad, well look at me!’ thread. But you are NOT the first person to experience this and there’s a lot of support out there to help. Keep the faith, but be prepared.

20

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, but I’d also like to lend my support. I was going to suggest a plant or an engrossing hobby for the wife (and possibly for you as well, but they don’t have to be the same). Something to do in order to beef up one’s definition of who they are, find out what they like and what they’re good at and stuff like that might help to make a self-inventory easier and more…fun to do.

You’re also a good person for bucking up and taking on responsibility when it came along. Some people wouldn’t do that.

Hope the holidays bring something positive to you and the family. So far, it sounds like there have been some recent positive events. If you so desire, keep us informed.