Struggling to survive the Holidays emotionally and mentally

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sitting here home alone with a little tabletop tree strung with a strand of lights and Spotify running a playlist of my favourite Holiday music. Just trying to make it through the next few weeks with my psyche intact and ready to face the new year.

It’s not all bad news. I’ve nearly completely transitioned into a new group at work that appreciates my work and abilities (just waiting for that final form from H.R.). I know I have two parents who love me and care for me (be they yet 500 miles away and around 80 years old), I have a brother who lives nearby whom I can turn to for a couple of things. And I have about four or five friends—close emotionally but distant physically—whom I can turn to for long telephone conversations and positive support. My wife started seeing her own therapist today, so I’m hoping that bodes well for the near future.

There’s still a lot that’s wrong though, and I’m just trying to keep my chin up and power through it all as I can: (1) the state of my health has plummeted throughout the pandemic lockdown (gained weight, lost mobility, severe nerve pain), (2) my relationship with my wife is very rocky and we are making very slow progress, (3) my house is in serious need of repairs and cleaning, but my relationship with my wife, what I now realize are her hoarding tendencies, are making the process very slow. That’s just off the top.

And of course I am subjected to regular rants by my wife about how horrible holidays are.

I know my brother and my handful of close friends love me in their own way, but they have their own families to deal with on the holidays (especially during a pandemic), and it’s now several holiday seasons in a row in which I have not been invited to share in the festivities with somebody.

Of course, I could have gone to see my parents, but I don’t feel comfortable taking the risk of driving 500 miles by myself in my unreliable car in the winter during a pandemic. My wife long ago stopped visiting my parents on holidays. And my brother and his family don’t have room for me in their conveyance to tag along. (Yes, the idea that I would be “tagging along” with my own brother to see our parents does sting.)

And this is a small thing, but my therapist (whom I’ve been seeing on video calls during the pandemic), whom I really like, is transitioning to a new job in a new place, and I’ll have to find a replacement.

(Not even mentioning the global problems, like impending fascist overthrow of democracy in our country.)

I’m trying to focus on the positives: things are looking up at work, we are making some progress getting the house in order (if slow); my wife is seeing a therapist (I hope that lasts); I’m making some gains in my health (if slow); I’ve re-dedicated myself to learning languages on Duolingo (I find it keeps my mind sharp); I have been able to start reading a bit (the pandemic strangely killed my ability to read), at least comic books, if not novels; and I have a weekly RPG game (although not this week).

Trying to concentrate on the positives. But I’m still by myself (occasionally in the company of my wife). I know that there are probably a lot of people around who are feeling it as badly as me, if not worse, so I’m reaching out with my heart to them too.

I know I’ll survive, but I want to thrive, not just survive.

2

Alas, this is (yet again) not the year for thriving.

I’ll say to you what I’ve said to others before: It’s okay to feel bad when things are bad, and you’re not wrong about that.

But keep in mind that things do get better, if you’re still there to see it. I was in a pretty bad place myself, health-wise, after last winter, but things have picked up, even if this week feels like a major setback.

I don’t know if that will help, but I hope it does.

3

I do appreciate the sentiment and support.

4

Hang in there. First survive, then thrive. Good to hear your wife started seeing a therapist.

Progress is good, even if slow and very incremental. Keep chilling away at work, sorting out the house, getting healthier, and the mental sidebars like learning languages.

To be honest, not sure if seeing a therapist will help. What I do know is that NOT seeing a therapist usually results in a negative feedback loop and certainly does not help.

Be kind to yourself and others. Covid has been rough on everyone.

5

Thank you. All the best to you all.

6

All I can say is … I read every word of your OP with care and concern and sympathy, and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are doing your best in the face of a lot of challenges.

Also, I don’t know if it is any comfort, but I really think posts like yours are a service to others in the same boat. Not in a “misery loves company” negative sort of way, but in a “if he can hang on, so can I” sort of way. Life sucks in ways large and small for so many people right now. We’ll all get through it together, I hope. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself.

7

I’m seriously thinking about you.

This is gonna sound nuts, but sometimes when I’m feeling at least as much as you do about my life. I transition into my faking it mode. Usually that makes someone in my life respond. They respond and I re-respond back. Before I know it I’m really feeling better. And the faking it thing stops.

I’m sorry about your situation at home. But I believe you should have hope. Your wife asking for help is a positive sign. Rejoice in that.

Sometime tomorrow get outside and walk or sit on the porch and breathe in fresh air.
Good luck and be a tiny bit happy.

8

Thank you all

I guess the hardest thing is that I’m not comfortable in my own home and I haven’t been in a long time. I never expected to have to deal with such a situation and it is wearing. I have dreams regularly about moving back to live with my folks or just living somewhere else, with or without my wife. And she doesn’t really get my point of view.

9

I’ve been at some extremely low points in my life. I was living in Kansas and the only person I knew in that part of the country was my fiancée who dumped me the night before our wedding (and called me from her ex-boyfriend’s house the day before, since she was sleeping with him apparently). I also had no job; I lived in farm country, had no vehicle, and had depended entirely on my girlfriend while I was there so I had nothing and nobody. Luckily as a birthday present my dad sent me money to take a bus back to where I grew up (2 day ride) and I slowly got my life back together.

Years later, I had been married and had a daughter, my wife left me and took my two-year-old with her back across the country to live with her parents. I was left alone in a house that I’d recently bought for my now-destroyed family which was a major fixer-upper, and I couldn’t afford the mortgage on top of alimony, so I lived alone like a ghost for years waiting on foreclosure.

I don’t even like to think about some of those times. Yet they were in the past. Bad crap happens but it gets better eventually and when it does, you can really appreciate it. I’m extremely happy now.

I’m so sorry you’re alone and things are so bad. It sucks, no amount of rationalizing will change that. But you’re focusing on the good things and that’s the best thing you can do. You’re doing it right. Stick in there.

10

I’m very sorry you’re having a rough time. That’s especially hard at the holidays. Can you FaceTime with your family?

11

Find happiness in the small things. I was at the pub earlier, and had a sudden epiphany: Having just last week turned 53, it was the perfect year to post this on Facebook:

Try to connect with something that made you happy in the past. It doesn’t take much.

12

This is a great suggestion. I did Skype every weekend with my daughter until her teens so we were able to stay in touch. It’s not the same as seeing someone in person but it helps.

13

I totally understand this. A dozen years ago, I finally found a therapist who was very helpful, after almost two decades of trying. When she left, I was very fortunate to land with her boss until she stopped taking appointments and transitioned to a business-only role. By the time my 3rd therapist left, I decided I was just done. I was OK for a couple of years. I tried Talkspace and Betterhelp therapists during the pandemic and just found little benefit.

14

Thinking of you today and hope your holidays bring unexpected joys to you.

15

Best wishes to you and all those you care about.

16

This is very tough. Your OP made me sad reading it. You’re facing some very hard stuff and I’m not going to minimize that.

I think keeping a positive attitude, looking for the bright side/pony in the room, etc., is all well and good, BUT spend some time considering, from a slight distance away, that the parts of you that are sad and distressed have excellent reasons for feeling this way. Don’t be too hasty to dismiss and discount those parts, or tell them “it’s not all that bad.” They and their feelings have a legitimate claim on your attention, IF you can manage to sit with/beside them and not disappear IN-side them.

Yes, this is an exercise in imagination… but it can work if you approach those stressed-out, gloomy, pessimistic parts with recognition and sincere acknowledgement (instead of following the popular wisdom that calls for blowing sunshine up your shorts, no matter what). These are some very difficult issues you are facing.

Being in a troubled marriage at holiday time is The Worst! Been there, done that, ate the t-shirt-- even worse if you’re on what was supposed to be a romantic Christmas getaway! :nauseated_face: Having to think about finding a new therapist is almost as bad.

You’ve got some work and some bad times ahead. Ultimately you’ll get past those things and encounter other trials, as well as other rewards, IOW life. If you want to slap a smile on your face for others, so be it. But acknowledge, embrace, honor, and comfort that part of you that is truly suffering over some really miserable shit. IME that makes me feel better in the short and the long run than pushing aside the bad feelings. YMMV.

All the best to you!

17

Again, I thank you all.

One of the small things to be grateful for—I’ve been struggling with a very minor toilet repair and my friend called me from Colorado on Christmas morning to give me a pointer that really helped.

18

Take those little triumphs and enjoy them. They are bigger than you think. My family is hard to deal with at the holidays. I had forgotten what Christmas was like with them because I hopped over the pond to celebrate in the U.K. with my now-ex and his convoluted family (a good reminder that families and holidays can be a pain no matter who or where). Last year, staying home due to covid was a great excuse to indulge myself with just cats and a book for company.

This year, it’s harder again. I’m beginning to think that next year, I will just take myself away somewhere, meditate, go for a walk around a town I do not know and then back to a hotel room to curl up with a good book. To many, it seems wrong, but to me, maybe it will be relief.

So, yes, you are definitely having a tough time. Some years be like that. Keep working on finding a therapist and keep supporting your wife’s efforts to heal, clean (baby steps), and move forward with her life as well. Life is a rollercoaster though, who knows what small miracle might be around the next corner.

19

This isn’t a minor thing. If the toidy in the house isn’t functioning properly it can cause great distress. What did people run out and buy by the gross (as it were) when the lockdown happened: toilet paper. You have to be able to know you can go when you need no.

20

The repair itself was minor, but the plumbers didn’t want to do it. They wanted to charge me $800 for an entirely new toilet when all that was needed was a new fill valve. Easy in terms of the kinds of things that can go wrong with a toilet, but difficult for me because I’m not used to doing that kind of thing.