Over the past several years, I suppose I’ve been feeling a buildup of stress related to my job, raising two kids, the political climate, the economy, and recently some potential health issues. The way I would describe it is almost literally like a invisible crushing weight I can’t escape from. I have trouble sitting still, concentrating, sleeping, etc.
In stark contrast, when things seem to be going well, it’s like that weight is immediately lifted I feel like a normal person again who can enjoy life.
So I don’t know. I have more to say on the subject but it’s starting to get late.
That is a textbook description of dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder). It doesn’t necessary keep you from being at least marginally functional but feels like a constant weight with occasional periods of enjoyment or satisfaction that don’t last very long. Given the stresses of the last several years, economic uncertainty even before the current insanity, et cetera on top of the challenges of maintaining a marriage and raising kids, it is hardly a surprise that that this is a pervasive problem.
I don’t have any particular wisdom for you other than to share your troubles with someone (not necessarily a therapist but sometimes a ‘paid ear’ is the most sincere kind) and look for ways to remove stress from your life without blowing anything up, i.e. a less stressful job, dealing with marital issues instead of talking around them, reconnecting with old friends, minimize your time spent on any kind of social media and doom-scrolling news, et cetera. And don’t beat yourself up for feeling as you do; it’s not something you can consciously control, and is probably a sign that there are some deeper conflicts you need to address, but you don’t need to do it all at once. Again, having someone to bounce concerns and frustrations off of who isn’t innately invested in either getting you to shut up about them or dragging them out for their own purposes is probably something to consider.
It’s getting brutal these days for sure. I use ChatGPT heavily. I write down 20 things to be thankful for (debt-free, supportive family, freelance income, etc.), and 20 things that pose a problem for me and worry me (jobless, spinal issues, inflammation, politics, etc.). Then I ask ChatGPT to write a 700-word analysis. You can do this as many times per week as need be. It helps really cut through the fog and relieves a lot of pressure.
I use ChatGPT in a similar way. I urp out whatever is bothering me in long rambling paragraphs (the way I used to journal) and it gives me a summary and synthesis of what I’ve said. This is pretty similar to what a therapist does. It’s extremely helpful.
If your ChatGPT account has Saved Memory function, you can even ask it, “Based off of what you know about me, please write 600 words about me, biography style or analysis-style, telling me my strengths, weaknesses, anything I may be overlooking in my life, some good and bad things I may not realize or understand about my life.” (or some similar prompt). It can give a very good external perspective.
All good advice, but I’ve found it challenging to do most of that.
I’ve never found therapy to be particularly helpful and most of my friends and family don’t want to hear me bitch about my life all the time.
I’ve really struggled my entire career. But like with my current job of four years, The first couple years were great. It was flexible, completely remote, paid well, good people and clients. It was still demanding, but in a way that I liked. But it was a job that let me go to work, do my job, but also allowed the flexibility to take care of my kids and other stuff and not really have to obsess about my job after hours, Now it feels like shit. I’m doing crappy, thankless work for shitty clients. When I land on a good client they seem to run out of money in a month or so. So there’s this ever present threat in my mind of being kicked off a client and fired to join all the rest of the people who lost their jobs in the current economic insanity.
I love my wife and kids but there’s a whole host of issues there that I can’t seem to resolve. But I don’t want to just up and divorce my wife and leave my kids. To do what? Be some weird 50-something dude living alone who hates his life?
And most of my anxiety about my kids revolves around worrying about their future and being able to provide a decent life for them anyway.
Oh here’s the best part. I went to my eye doctor today because I’ve been experiencing vision problems in my right eye. So apparently I am experiencing some retinal bleeding. So now on top of everything else and all my imagined problems of what might happen, I need to drop everything and see a specialist tomorrow to deal with that very real and immediate issue.
I don’t know if all my various frustrations are the actual problem as most of it is just “life shit”. But it does feel like even when things are going well, I can’t relax and am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
How realistic are your expectations? Do you expect to be really happy with a perfect family and a well-paying rewarding job? Or do you accept that life is just pretty challenging for most folk, so all you can do is make the best of what you have?
I think a lot of media works to persuade folk that life ought to be easier and more rewarding than it is. When you start thinking how bad things are, think of how much worse so many people have it and you may be glad for your problems.
Perhaps try to identify one thing that you get some degree of pleasure from. Stamp collecting, gardening, video games… And focus on the fact that, however much the rest of life sucks, at least you get to enjoy that one thing. Maybe you can build upon that.
There’s a lot of truth in this. If you just glance at social media it seems everyone is healthy and happy and well-adjusted. It’s all smoke and mirrors - everyone has struggles, but most of what’s shared is positive stuff, and people rarely share when they have problems the way the OP has courageously done here.
Lots of things can influence our mood. There are things we all have to deal with that are largely out of our control, like the economy, the environment, political hijinx, sudden emerging health issues, etc. Other things we have some control over, like family stuff, our job situation, what we put in our mouth and what we say to others, getting exercise, and relationships. And then there are things we have a lot of control over, like social media and news exposure. If current events are impacting you negatively, try going on a news diet. Limit or eliminate social media and all the toxicity that comes with it - make space for dealing with your eye issue by cutting out the garbage you really can control and don’t need.
And yeah, talking with someone is better than bottling it all up inside.
I’ve been in lots of therapy over the past five decades, and have found plenty of it to be extremely helpful. Some not so much. As with any profession that is both an art and a craft, some practitioners are brilliant at it, some are quite ordinary, and some are just plain incompetent. Same as doctors, teachers, dancers, and artists. People who try one or two therapists, and then say therapy is not for me are short-changing the entire profession. If you got one bad haircut or five, would you say haircuts are not for me?
The beauty of using ChatGPT is that you can bitch at it as long as you want to as often as you want to and it never looks at the clock and says our time is up. It’s also available any time of the day or night. Including on your phone. And there’s no worry about the cost.
You have to be a grown-up about it and realize that it is giving you back a synthesis of your own thoughts. You’re not talking to another person. It is so responsive that sometimes the illusion is quite powerful.
Can you find some new/old hobbies or personal projects? Having something to look forward to doing or learning after work makes a big difference in the earlier part of my day.
I’ve had some Big Changes my own late 40s self lately and have found some new things to do alone (or without SO & dependents) as well as coming back around to earlier, set aside hobbies and projects. Orchids? Betafish? Frisbee golf? Estate sales? Arduino? Cosplay?
I like to look for events related to these interests and, importantly, attend them: Get Out There. It takes effort to plan, gumption to exit the couch comfort zone and, especially, not flake out at the end. I’m always glad I went.
In the coming Summer, I’m looking forward to the Chicago Pen Show (a week from today squeee), a ham radio festival, the Chicago drum show (I’m not even a drummer), a musical camping outing, possibly a Weird Al show. In the last 6 months, I saw Ed Zotti present, bought/love escooter, sought and visited some shy relatives a few states away, visited the 007 exhibition, visited several auction houses to pick up won items, hide&hardwired my dashcam system (just in time to capture my at-fault accident!).
For many people, it’s because of how good their parents or grandparents had it, too. They grew up in a family that owned a house, had two cars, etc. and thought that was or should be the default norm. One quote that’s stuck with me is, “A middle-class lifestyle used to be thought of as a consolation prize in America; now it’s become the main grand prize itself.”
If you don’t want to get a therapist and don’t want to talk to friends/family, your only other option is to “get over it.” And “getting over” mental health issues is a myth invented by a society that stigmatizes mental health. Best case scenario is lucking into a workable coping tactic but it’s really shooting into the dark.
As I’ve mentioned here before, OCD is very prevalent in my family (father and son were both clinically diagnosed, paternal grandmother not diagnosed but was a hoarder). I myself suffered from panic attacks and almost crippling anxiety in my early teen years.
I’m NOT suggesting the OP is suffering from this; their anxiety and depression may be largely or completely caused by the external stressors they mention. But coping techniques (completely aside from medication) that can work for people suffering from OCD may also help for those of us suffering from external stress. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one therapy. As a teen, I came up with my own coping mechanisms that turned out to be very similar to the core principles of CBT.
CBT treatment usually involves efforts to change thinking patterns. These strategies might include:
Learning to recognize one’s distortions in thinking that are creating problems, and then to reevaluate them in light of reality.
Gaining a better understanding of the behavior and motivation of others.
Using problem-solving skills to cope with difficult situations.
Learning to develop a greater sense of confidence in one’s own abilities.
CBT treatment also usually involves efforts to change behavioral patterns. These strategies might include:
Facing one’s fears instead of avoiding them.
Using role playing to prepare for potentially problematic interactions with others.
Learning to calm one’s mind and relax one’s body.
Of course, these techniques may not be helpful for everybody suffering from the stress / anxiety / depression that the OP is experiencing, but I think as guidelines for improving ones’ thinking patterns and behavior they’re generally just good sense coping mechanisms for all of us, especially in these stressful times; either with the help and guidance of a therapist, or on one’s own, as I managed to do. Best wishes to the OP.
I have been in therapy on and off for about forty years now. ThelmaLou is absolutely right. Some of my therapists have been great. Some have been massive assholes who were convinced that since they had a degree they knew everything.
The current state of the world is both depressing and horrifying. I have started putting on weight again. Due to stress, I actually felt very cold in my apartment this winter. I would sit at my desk in long pants and a hoodie and still be cold. The thermometer on my wall said it was above 65.
I have a tele-therapy appointment for this Monday at 7 pm. I have already scheduled four more appointments for upcoming Mondays at 7 pm.
Aside: Are you saying you should feel warm when the inside temperature is 65? I leave my thermostat at 74-76 most of the time. If it were below 70, I’d turn blue from cold.
Sorry, sometimes I think my old posts are both more memorable and more widely read than they actually are.
For I am not sure how long, I don’t get cold easily. My record for wearing a short sleeve t-shirt (For decades now, the only shirts I buy with long sleeves are formal button down shirts for weddings and such) and shorts and walking outside while not feeling cold is 42 degrees. I walked half a mile to the supermarket. On the way back not only was I still not cold, I was eating a pre packaged ice cream cone.
During the twenty odd years I lived in my first apartment, I kept the thermostat at 55 in the winter. I would have been comfortable with a lower temperature. The thermostat did not go lower. Again, I generally wore shorts and a short sleeve t-shirt in my place and was not cold.
Considering that when I did feel cold this past winter and went to sleep in long pajama pants under a heavy blankets, I would wake up sweaty and feeling much too hot, and considering that when out running errands or going someplace with friends I was my old self, I am convinced it was stress. The constant increased anxiety has manifested itself in several other unpleasant ways since November.
No one’s mentioned meditation yet, I don’t think. Here’s one way to dip a toe into the practice: just close your eyes, sit silently, and be perfectly still. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Do not move a muscle, but let your thoughts do whatever they want to do. If it feels good, next day try 6 minutes. This can be done in your car, if you can’t find reliable peace from your family for that long, or if you’d feel weird if anyone caught you doing this.
You might find that this practice, all by itself, gives you a little peace, a little space within which to process stuff. I hope it does. FWIW I really enjoy your posts. You seem like a very level-headed guy in general. Not the type, really, to post the OP you did, which tells me this is serious business. Good luck.
I tend to follow reason and logic. Most of the time I rationally believe that whatever problem ultimately has a solution, hasn’t actually happened yet, or probably won’t happen at all.
Also, all things considered, I have a pretty good life and plenty of people have it a lot worse.
But I suppose like anyone, negative outcomes get stuck in my head and create an emotional response.
I like the idea of meditation or exercise. I think that’s one of the things that I didn’t like about therapy when I did it some years ago. I mean talking about shit is fine, but it didn’t seem to do much to dissipate that feeling of the world crushing you. Even if you know in your mind what it is that is making your anxious and depressed isn’t something that is actually happening.