When I lived out in the country, I had a terrible time finding a plumber who would come to my house. Especially if it was a simple job. They’d rather be working in a new subdivision where they’d be employed all day. And I don’t have one handy bone in my body (nor did my late husband).
Where I live now I’m a renter, and my prince of a landlord is an architect who lives one block over. He is willing and capable of doing most repairs-- like the one you needed.
My friend, you have some legitimate reasons to feel sorry for yourself.
The problem is, feeling like this doesn’t feel good – as you have obviously discovered. I can see (and applaud you for it) that you have undertaken some steps how you can come to feel better about things. I don’t know whether your therapist prescribed mindfulness and cognitive behavioural therapy for you. Having had strong anxiety over the progression of my stage 4 prostate cancer, these things worked for me – in conjunction with an antidepressant. (I mention my circumstances not to imply that mine are objectively worse than yours, or that you’re not entitled to feel lousy. Everyone has things they struggle with.)
I think you are on the right track focusing on the positives and stuff you have achieved. Concretise these a little by making a list of things to do, then ticking them off. This seems like an incredibly trivial suggestion, but I can tell you, it works for me. Time of day is important – I find mornings are best for doing stuff like this. The first hour after you get up sets the tone for the day. On the other hand, you could be an evening person. Do this planning stuff at a time that works for you.
Other things that I have found difficult about holidays are having my routines upset, and feeling there is something wrong with me because I’m not having a great time. There’s nothing wrong with feeling out of sorts in the holidays. For me, the question is – what to do about it? New year’s resolutions are a much derided institution. It’s true that one can make a resolution any time of the year. Some recent research I read about (I can post the link, if you like – if that’s allowable) suggests, however, that the new year can be an effective inflection point in focusing our energies on positive steps. Just don’t get too carried away with this – go for modest, concrete, measurable goals. To resolve to win the Boston Marathon, or whatever, is setting yourself up to fail. Instead aim to go for a walk a couple of times a week. Something like that and which is appropriate for you. The article suggested making no more than four resolutions. Just one puts a lot of pressure on yourself, more than four and your energies will be dissipated. Give it a go!
Finally, give yourself a pat on the back for hanging in there, being positive, and knowing how to fix a toilet! Respect! Wanting to improve your circumstances shows faith in yourself. Good on you.
I am having trouble sleeping because my wife came to me a little while ago and said something about how lucky I was because I had everything I need. I was just flabbergasted but I was also already in bed trying to relax before sleeping and I didn’t want to get riled up. Instead I admonished her for starting a conversation when I’m trying to go to sleep and she went say angry muttering that it’s never the right time for a conversation.
But it still has prevented me from sleeping. I can’t believe how clueless she is about my point of view, whether she is deliberately blinding herself or is just truly clueless or just had no way to see past her own problems.
I can see much of her point of view. I can understand she is grieving the death of her mother, who died just as vivid lockdown hit. She wasn’t able to travel then and had since been unable to see her sister and her then newborn niece. She has work stress. She had trauma and hurt from life experiences.
But I’m just floored that she thinks I have everything I need. I live in a house that constantly causes me stress. I don’t have room to unpack my own belongings after 10 years. I am embarrassed to allow service people onto the house. Inviting guests—even without a pandemic—would be unthinkable.
The house is in a state that whatever else is going on is contributing to the harm to my physical and emotional health. But when I try to make that point she turns it around to make me look selfish and unreasonable. She is able to perform some kind of conversational jiujitsu to make me give up.
I need badly to find another couple’s counselor but it’s so damn difficult. They’re hard to find, hard to schedule and when one doesn’t work out it’s so much more stress.
Ugh.
So I couldn’t hold it in. Had a big fight. Again, she made me feel like the heel.
This is excellent, insightful advice.
The fact you’ve felt you had to hold it in is so telling. So is the fact you feel like a jerk after an argument. You seem emotionally drained and overwhelmed, and when that’s the case, biting your tongue and looking on the bright side can break you. I speak from experience here.
Would it be helpful to write each other emails instead of arguing orally? IME writing things out allows me to phrase things better. It also keeps the other person from misinterpreting a tone of voice or facial expression. Maybe that wouldn’t help you, but I thought it might be worth a try.
There are few things more miserable than not feeling at home in your own home. (Been there, too, and for years. i wish I could get those years back.) You deserve a better life than the one you’re struggling with now. I hope you’ll make your own happiness a priority.
This. I suffer from depression and it is very much like a dog chasing it’s own tail. The dog cannot see the larger picture and neither can your wife. Right now, I suspect she is very much living inside her own head and she can’t get out of that rut without help. Her situation feels very familiar to me. First, she needs a therapist who is someone who can help her see that a) she is not alone in her feelings and b) can draw her out to see a bigger world and c) convince her that it is okay for her to participate in that bigger world and to enjoy it. I don’t know if her current therapist is in the process of doing that, but I hope so for her sake, and yours.
Until she has someone she can confide in on her own, a couple’s therapist won’t help much.
As I type this, I want to be clear that I am not in any way a mental health professional. I’m just someone who is grateful (and possibly still alive because) they exist.
Well, she had her second remote therapy session today. She still isn’t speaking to me civilly.
Our New Year’s Eve reservation is cancelled, which might have been a good idea anyway, given spiking in omicron. Our Sunday D&D game is going virtual because of that. The DM knows of 10 infections amongst his circle in the last few weeks.
It’s all wise but it leaves me even more alone this weekend than I was last weekend.
I’m out for a walk. At least the weather is good and I can try to work on my health a little.
Yes, it is wise, and yes, it sucks wind. Covid is hell on social people. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to create a funny poll and post it to the Polls thread.
If the weather is nice, you clearly aren’t where I am so count that blessing. The temperature here is dropping far tonight so I’d recommend staying home anyway. But we are here (well, popping in and out) and we are your friends. Keep that thought warm tonight.
I wanted to tell you Happy New Year, especially.
I’m thinking of you.
Try to have a bit of hope. I know it’s hard.
A new Year is here. I think it has to be better. I have hope in my heart for you.
Yes, here’s to a better year, for all of us. Set yourself a few goals of your own. You can ask a therapist for help setting those goals. But do something that is just for you, even if it’s just a puppetry class or making paper flowers or woodworking. Perhaps learning a different cuisine to prepare. Or volunteer at the animal shelter. Do something for you.
{{{Ascenray}}}
After mulling this over and reading posts after mine, I wanted to tell you that you absolutely don’t need to wait for your wife’s therapy to help her before seeking marriage counseling. Some mental health issues are chronic and take a long time to treat, and if the marital issues wait, the marriage won’t survive. A good couples therapist can help you understand how best to communicate with and adjust your expectations for your wife while she’s in therapy. That would help both of you.
I speak from experience. My now-ex suffered from depression. The psychiatrist he consulted, an MD, was into herbal remedies and didn’t put him on antidepressants, so the depression dragged on for many months. The marriage was in trouble for various reasons, and his depression actually played a relatively small role. Marriage counseling was still helpful.
Your own mental health and emotional needs are equally important as hers. It’s very stressful to be married to someone in turmoil. In fact, there’s a higher risk of depression among spouses of depressed people, and the mental health issues of one spouse can put tremendous stress on a marriage, so at the VERY least, you should see a therapist yourself to understand how best to cope with a tremendously difficult, emotionally draining situation. Consider, though, that since marriage counselors typically see the couple together for at least one session and then see each person individually for a session or two, they get a better understanding of the big picture than a therapist treating only you could get.
I hope 2022 is good to you!
Or maybe just get a divorce? All this talk of therapists and marriage counselors and whatnot to do what exactly? Trick your brain into tolerating an intolerable marriage?
You are in a marriage where you don’t feel comfortable in your own home and your wife makes you depressed and “feel like a heel”. I think you need to ask yourself why are you still in it at all?